24. Chapter 24

Zil puts me on the soft bed that smells like him. I rest and let out a breath. It is great to be here alone again. I'm with Zil, so I'm not exactly alone, but I still enjoy this.

I spread my arms and legs, lying in bed, waiting for Zil to strip me naked. I close my eyes, taking in his scent that lingers in the room.

After a while, I'm still alone on the bed. That's weird.

I open my eyes again and sit up from the bed. "Hey... Are you... Oh!" I hop off the bed. There is a bruise on him. "I'm sorry. I didn't see this earlier."

But I don't have anything to help him with. I look around, trying to locate something, when he sighs.

"Hazel, I'm fine."

When I turn to him again, I flinch at his frown. "Are you sure? You look upset or tired. I don't understand."

I thought we were good, and he was going to pin me on the bed in no time.

He shrugs and remains leaning on the wall, not moving an inch and not holding me. "We're alone now. There's no need to be all cuddly."

So... It is an act, after all. Maybe I got my hopes up.

Does that mean I want to be with him and... want to be his mate?

I nod. "It's okay. You must be tired after the fight."

He gives a weak smile. "I'm fine. I won."

"Yes, you won." My heart flutters. I want to hug him again, but what if he doesn't want that? The way he talks is... "How are you feeling?"

"Fine?" He looks away. "I was happy when... Never mind."

"Tell me."

He shakes his head. "There's no need for that. We are arriving at the destination space station in a few days. Maybe we should be planning how to get you somewhere so you can head back safely instead. It can be dangerous out there when you are alone."

A load forms in my chest and weighs me down. That's what he remembers, so he doesn't want to get too close to me. Maybe that's what I should do too. But...

He rubs his horns, letting out a heavy sigh. "Just rest, sleep."

"But I don't want to sleep. How bad can it be if you tell me what you are thinking about?"

He remains quiet, looking to the other side.

I stroke his arm. "Look, is that about what the captain will do to you?"

No, I don't even get a single word from him.

I ask again, "Like, what will happen after I... leave?"

He glances at me. "We will figure that out when that happens."

I scowl at him. "I'm saying after I leave. There won't be us and we won't be figuring that out together."

"Do you want there to be us?" He leans over. The intensity of his eyes burns. He is serious about that, right?

I swallow. "Do you mean to ask whether I want to be your mate?"

He takes a breath. "Yes. But I don't want to give you any pressure. You are on a uzain ship, so... I'll keep my promise, regardless. I won't let anyone hurt you."

I stare at him, not knowing what to say. I've never meant to feel something for him, but...

Everything he did for me and... he doesn't even want me to be worrying about him after I'm gone.

But staying with him will mean that I'll never go back to the space station and I'll be traveling with him on a spaceship that probably fights a lot. And... maybe kidnap other beings.

"Zil... I don't know. You are going to be flying and fighting."

‘Yes, I'll be with my fleet. We will fight until the end."

"For what?"

"Well, we work for other beings, saving up for uzains to fight against the Empire and get back to our home."

I frown even deeper. "You seem hesitant."

"I'm not lying." That's what he said, but it feels like there's something more behind it.

"Just be honest with me if you are serious about the mate thing? I can't be with someone who won't even be honest with me."

He cups my cheeks in his large hands. "Look, I mean it. We are doing whatever we can to move our fellow uzains closer to our homeland."

"But you sound hesitant. You were a lot more certain when you asked whether I want to be your mate."

He sighs. "I am not sure how to think about that. I know that was why uzains started our travels and our fights, but... The planet is so far away. No one on this spaceship has ever been there. We've seen photos and videos, but we've never even gotten close to there. The risk is too high for us to even get close and have a peek at the actual planet."

Oh... It must be bad to have never seen...

Well, it isn't like I've been to Earth either. I think humans come from there, but that's so far away. Other than being human, Earth doesn't have anything to do with me. I don't have anything there, don't know anyone there, and don't know anything about there.

He rubs his horns, looking up, but to the side. "Even my father and my father's father have never seen that planet. I'm not sure how many uzains actually care about bringing everyone back there. What does the planet have to do with us after all those years? We hate how the Empire kicked our ancestors out and is brutally controlling those who are still there. But... do the beings living there know about our existence? Are they still waiting for a day to get out of the Empire's control? Or... Do they already consider themselves part of the Empire's reign?"

I hug him when there are glints in his eyes. I have no idea what to say. I'm only good at shouting at my own stall staff to get them to work more efficiently, not to comfort anyone.

He holds me. "I don't want to bother you with all those. To be honest, I'm not sure about that either. I don't know how we'll beat the Empire. I don't know how it would be if we managed. I... I don't even know whether we are still working toward that."

"It's hard, right? But I think you are doing your best."

"Am I?" He rubs his horns again. "I suppose I'm trying, but I don't think I'm as keen as the uzains that were the ones attacked and kicked out."

"You feel different and that's okay. You aren't exactly the same as them."

"Will they be upset about that? When it feels like most uzains no longer care?" He rubs his eyes but snorts out a laugh. "This is so strange. I've never talked to anyone about this."

I pat his back. "Maybe you didn't have the chance."

"Maybe." He lets out a heavy breath. "I hope they won't be too upset."

"I think they will understand that every generation has their own task."

He remains quiet, staring at somewhere with his mind elsewhere. Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I shouldn't say anything.

"Hazel... I don't understand, but it feels safe to tell you."

"Thank you? I'm not that good at saying the right thing." Maybe I should have gotten better, get some practice, something like that.

He shakes his head. "You don't have to say anything. I'm good when you are here. But don't take it as a reason you have to stay. I'm just trying to explain to you what is happening here on this spaceship."

I nod. "Now I understand."

"I suppose. Do you understand it the same way I do? Do I understand the same way my father did? My father's father?"

"Don't be too harsh on yourself. You're training the uzains already."

He nods, but the tension lingers in him. "Yet, I'm getting into a fight with the captain for you. Don't get me wrong, I'd do that again and again. But... It feels like I don't know what I'm doing on this spaceship for a moment."

"It takes time. The Empire is huge. It is going to take a lot of time to build yourselves up."

"I hope you are right." He pecks a kiss on my lips. I kiss him back before he breaks it. I can understand he isn't in the mood to flirt with me.

He pats my back. "Think about it, sleep over it. There's no rush and no pressure, okay? Regardless of your decision, I'll respect that. Don't think about what will happen to me after you leave. I want you to be happy and only you know what you want."

So...

He lies on the bed, putting his hands behind his head. I lie on the bed too, staying close to him, soaking up his warmth.

If only the decision is easier. Nothing is what I expected.

Zil has been treating me well. The other uzains seem to like me, except the captain. Maybe most uzains like me for the food, but that works for me too.

I've never felt something as strongly as I feel for Zil, does that mean I should give that a try?

But... it feels like I should give that more thought. Life is too complicated...