Chapter 15

fifteen

. . .

ALIL

Addy's promise to not rush our departure from our sanctuary proved to be pointless over the next few days.

I tried my best to take advantage of our time here, to focus on us, and not on the little one growing in my belly, but it was impossible. The child and my body didn't allow it.

And I was utterly depressed about it. I didn't want my last days here to be ruined.

The curtain gently parted to reveal Addy on the other side, looking in at me with concern.

"Hi," he said gently.

"Hi," I returned.

"Do you want to get out of bed for some food?" he asked. "It's past noon."

I frowned.

I should get up, pretend I didn't feel exhausted and weak, put on a bit of a show so that Addy didn't drag me out of here tonight.

But I was too tired.

"I'm just going to sleep a little bit more," I mumbled.

He watched me for a minute, not leaving even after I closed my eyes.

Finally, he sighed, and I felt the lighting drop. When I cracked open an eye to look, the curtain was shut again and Addy had left.

After a couple more hours, I managed to drag myself out of bed. I didn't feel terrible. I was just exhausted and a bit dizzy. A dip in the pond would probably clear my head. Some food would help too.

"Addy?" I called and then stopped dead when I realized what I was looking at. The shelves we had made out of the boxes were packed back up again.

The tarp was down, neatly folded.

There were blankets tied into sacs for us to carry no doubt.

"You're up," Addy said from behind me.

I turned around to see his grim face and bowed my head, overcome by sadness.

"When do we leave?" I asked.

My voice trembled a little and Addy must have heard it because he came forward and put his arms around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Love," he whispered into my hair. "We're leaving tonight."

"Tonight?" I asked incredulously. "That's not enough time."

"I've let this go on for too long already," he said regretfully. "If we travel by night, we won't be as hot. We have blankets to keep us warm and can take our time resting during the day."

I shook my head but found I had no argument. He was right about everything.

"I really don't want to go home," I admitted, clinging to him.

"If we could stay here forever, I would," he said. "But you're not well and I don't know if this is normal or not... I won't be able to rest until you've been seen by a medic."

"I'm sure it is normal," I said, trying to reassure him. "I'm just tired."

"And you have no appetite, and you wobble when you stand for too long."

"That must be normal. I am growing an entire new person inside me."

He nodded.

"You're probably right, but I'm still worried. Please."

"Alright," I said, sighing. "But can you swim with me one last time?"

"Of course."

We ended up in the water for most of the afternoon. Splashing and laughing. The cold did bring me around, as well as Addy's arms, his kisses and reassuring words.

He didn't seem to care much about being punished and what we would have to face upon our return and that bothered me because sometimes I thought that Addy wanted the punishment and if he did, then that meant that I deserved it as well.

I had purposely snuck away to be alone with him. I had asked him into my bed. I had taken his hand and made him touch me. I had fucked him first. On top of all that, I had begged him for that bonding kiss.

The thought of telling everyone back home the details of our affair made me feel sick and intruded upon and we hadn't even done it yet, but there was no doubt that we would.

I would share every detail if I had to, if it would lessen the scorn that Addy would face.

He hadn't known what the others were planning. It wouldn't be fair to punish him too severely...

"What are you thinking?"

I glanced over at Addy. He was packing up the remainder of our dinner, wrapping it up in leaves to bring with us, but he kept glancing at me curiously.

"You're huffing and puffing," he informed me.

"Oh." I chuckled, embarrassed to realize I was that easy to read. "I was just planning the arguments I will have with the alpha council over you."

Addy's gaze darkened.

"You don't have to worry about any of that," he told me. "I am your alpha. I will take care of it."

I snorted.

"And I will just go for the ride, is that it? For the rest of our lives you will make all the decisions for us?"

Addy's frown deepened.

"Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?" he asked. "I want to take care of you, that's all."

"I want to have a say in my own life," I argued. "Was that not clear when I convinced you to bond with me?"

I set down the blanket I'd been in the process of folding and went to him, pushing the bag out of his lap and replacing it by straddling him.

He put his arms around my waist and returned my kiss before I pulled back to look him in the eyes, seeing that I had his sole attention.

"Addy, I chose to remain unmated because I wouldn't be able to choose who my alpha would be. Once we were alone out here, I begged you for this... Don't you think that means I'm someone who has an opinion on the things that happen to me? And I can assure you, anything that happens to you, happens to me too. We are one."

His gaze softened and he nodded.

"Of course."

I stroked back his soft, straight hair and shook my head fondly.

"It does not all need to rest on your shoulders. Let me support you."

He sighed, tension leaving his shoulders and nodded.

"Thank you,"

We sat there for a while, just enjoying one another's embrace before Addy pulled reluctantly away.

"Shall we get going?" he asked.

I nodded.

We didn't speak much as we finished our packing.

I had two blankets, wrapped up in another one that acted as a sling. Addy took the heavier items; packs of dried food, a collection of strong looking sticks, rope, and the tarp wrapped in another makeshift sling that he pulled over his shoulder with a hefty sigh as the sun finally descended.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me.

I shrugged. I didn't want to bring down the mood any more than it already was.

"I'll miss this place," I said simply. "If only because we get to be ourselves together here."

He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it.

"We'll have that at home too," he promised me. "Come on."

I took one long moment to look around, committing it all to memory and then nodded and followed him.

The heat of the day still radiated from the sand even though the suns were gone. The sky was a dusky purple as it sank into night and the stars brightened. It was beautiful in its own way, but I couldn't concentrate on that.Truthfully, I was nervous.

I hadn't said it to Addy, but with the way I had been feeling lately, I didn't think this trip would be easy. I couldn't even imagine it.

But we were doing this. We had no choice. So, I would just have to deal with it as it came.

"You're sure you know the way?" I asked.

Addy nodded, glancing at me.

"As long as we head north in the direction of Diwan, we'll see it eventually."

I nodded.

Even I could tell by the position of the stars and sun, the general way we should go, but I was very uneasy with the fact that we had no idea how long it would take.

Addy caught my hand silently as we walked and squeezed it.

Immediately, I took a deep breath and pushed my thoughts away, concentrating instead on each step.

Sometime around midnight, with the moon illuminating the desert as far as the eye could see, Addy stopped and took the pack from me.

"You're shivering," he pointed out, and took out a blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders.

I hadn't noticed. I was too distracted by trying to keep going. I was already so tired.

When I felt the warmth of the blanket around me though, it perked me up a little bit.

"Can you keep going?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, pulling the blanket tight around me.

He kissed my forehead and then returned to my side, walking with both of our bags now.

"Do you still like to read?" he asked me.

"Hm? Oh yes. I have a book waiting on my bedside table for me, in fact," I told him. "I've thought about it here and there... I suppose that's the silver lining of going back. I'll finally find out what happened to Sal's brother."

He laughed.

"Tell me about it?"

And with that masterful distraction, I was lost in retelling Addy the story I had been in the middle of, instead of focusing on our current predicament.

He got roped into my retelling, hanging on my every word, asking questions and eventually speculating how it would end with me.

By the time I was too tired to go on, the moon had somehow moved across the sky and morning was approaching.

I slowed, suddenly hit with exhaustion.

"That should be far enough for tonight," Addy said and pulled me into a comforting embrace before he set to work setting up our tarp. He took his time tying the sticks together so that we had four that would be long enough to hold it up.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

He glanced at me curiously.

"You didn't care about the book. You just wanted to distract me."

He shook his head, bemused.

"Well, yes, I don't want this trek to be horrible for you and I thought a distraction would help, but I was genuinely entertained and now I will be thinking about that book until we get to read the rest."

He finished tying the tarp to the last stick and then came over to me, taking my hands.

"I am interested in everything about you, Lili, even the books you read."

I practically melted.

"Oh well, I can't be mad at that."

"Good."

He pulled me into his arms, kissing me so sweetly it made my teeth hurt.

"Just a moment," he said and then took one of the blankets to spread out for us.

"I will never get used to how amazing this is," I told him, once I was lying in his arms.

"Me neither."

He traced his fingers through my hair.

"I hope it's not too hot out here in the open tomorrow."

"I'm sure it will be," I mused, "but at least we will have some shade and each other for company."

He nodded.

"Yes, and let's try to sleep through as much of the day as we can."

"That, I can promise," I said. "I am exhausted."