Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

DARCY

I toss and turn all night, my heart feeling like it’s being squeezed and twisted in my chest. When the sun starts to rise, I’m still fatally anxious without really even knowing why. If I had to guess, it would most likely be the giant brew of other emotions churning in my stomach—emotions I have no clue how to identify or ease.

Normally, my emotions are the one thing I can control. I can’t control why I feel the way I do, but I can control how I deal with it. Now, I can’t control a damn thing. I’m at a loss. Cody has me at a complete loss.

Every time I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, I think it might be him. But then they pass, and I’m always disappointed, even though I’d already been expecting as much. But why? Why do I want him here? Why do I care? He’s not mine to miss. He never has been. That doesn’t change because of one good conversation.

I feel strange for even thinking about Cody to begin with. I know that I don’t have the right to think about him in such a way. He’s nothing to me but my best friend’s older brother. I shouldn’t care where he is or why he stormed out the way he did. It’s his business. Not mine.

And yet, I’m angry with him for throwing such a big fit and being a dick to me.

But then I feel guilty for being angry because I know how he’s feeling. I know the gnawing pain that comes with being left by someone you love.

I just hope Cody is okay. That he’s home. That he didn’t drunkenly wander off and freeze to death overnight in the snow. For his sake and Maya’s. I know how much he means to her. She shouldn’t have to worry about him while she’s on vacation. They should both be enjoying their limited time together. He should be safe and sound, gossiping with her about their parents’ new religion or their childhood dog eating a neighbor’s two-thousand-dollar plush pillow.

I’m a goddamn wreck. Because of Cody. Because of Cody . What the hell is the world coming to?

I’m rather peeved when Maya barges into our room at half past six—apparently totally okay to be walking again since her injury—and quite literally drags me out of bed and spews some nonsense about taking Cody into town for a change of scenery. I try asking her about her ankle and why she’s not with Louis, but she waves a dismissive hand. All she wants to talk about is Cody.

Cody needs some fresh air this, and Cody didn’t mean to be a raging douchebag that. Typical Maya, defending her older brother with every last breath she has. It would be sweet if I wasn’t personally victimized by it.

“He could’ve at least called and told you he was okay,” I tell Maya as I slide out of bed. “I mean, you do know that this is a shitty thing to do, right? He can’t just disappear and worry you all night like that. And if you hadn’t been waiting for him in his room, you would probably have no idea that he was okay. I mean, what would you have done if Louis hadn’t been there to let you in? You would still have no idea where he is or if he’s okay.”

“I know that, Darcy,” Maya says, and I can hear the exhaustion seeping from her voice. “And I know it freaked you out. I’m sorry about that. But I think he’s already miserable enough without us ganging up on him.”

“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about!” I walk around Maya to dig around in my suitcase for a change of clothes. “He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself because you never ask him to. It’s not fair. I mean, God, I was worried last night and I’m not his sister. I can’t even imagine how you must’ve felt.”

“I know that, but he’s had a hard?—”

“Year,” I finish. “I know. Haven’t we all, though? What makes him so special?”

Maya is quiet for a moment too long. It makes me nervous.

“We’ve been friends our whole lives, Darcy. I’ve almost never led you into anything you couldn’t handle. Can you please trust me?”

Trust her, yes. Enjoy it, absolutely not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m relieved that Cody is okay. And I’m glad that he’s willing to spend some quality time with Maya. But I’m just not seeing how I fit into this. It’s been made abundantly clear that he and I are bad for each other’s sanity. If Maya wants to make Cody feel better, then I’m definitely not the one to invite on their day out.It’s too freakin’ convenient that Maya can go M.I.A. for the entire trip, then show up when her heart desires and drag me along with her on some dysfunctional adventure.

“But why do I have to go on this little field trip? Can’t you just take him and leave me here? I doubt he’ll want to see me anyway,” I admit as I begrudgingly lace my walking sneakers. I warily eye Maya as she aggressively applies chapstick. I think she’s been doing that for the past fifteen minutes. Maybe the day has finally come. Maybe Maya has lost her damn mind. I always knew it would happen eventually. She watches too many true crime documentaries not to completely lose it.

“Because both you and Cody need all the friends you can get right now and, quite frankly, I can’t trust either of you enough to leave you alone.”

Can’t trust either of us enough to leave us alone, my ass.

She needs to be humbled. If she thinks she can’t trust me , she needs to be locked up.

“That’s ridiculous,” I argue. “I’m a grown adult, and so is he. And besides, you sure seemed to think we were trustworthy enough to be left alone for the past two days. We haven’t seen you at all, Maya.”

Maya shoots me a look. “That’s not relevant. I didn’t think I had to spend my vacation babysitting but you both have proved me wrong.” The sass is unmatched. I think it must be genetic because I swear Cody has looked at me with the very same dull stare at least a dozen times. “And if you’re so confident that you’re trustworthy adults, maybe you should start acting like it. This nonsense all started because you were picking a fight with him, and he’s too immature to let it go when he knows he should. I don’t know what it is, Darcy, but when the two of you are together, it’s like you’re a couple of thirteen-year-olds again. And you took it too far this time. You ‘kids’ have gotten yourselves into adult trouble, and you’re both too damn stupid to get yourselves out of it.”

That might be true.

Okay, it’s definitely true.

“Alright, fine,” I say. “So maybe he and I aren’t on our best behavior together. But that doesn’t mean you have to baby us. We can handle things on our own.”

Maya snorts a laugh. “Yeah, right! I left you two alone for less than a day and look what happened. It’s time for some supervised exposure therapy. You and Cody are going to become best friends before the day is over, with a little help from me, of course. Just trust me. Doctor Maya is on the case.”

Best friends. Yeah, right. That’s almost more laughable than ‘Doctor Maya .’

“I can’t be friends with him,” I debate. I stare at the side of Maya’s head as she pulls on a clean T-shirt and a pair of jeans. “He and I just don’t mix, Maya. We’re like oil and water. No matter how much we try, we just reject each other.”

Maya scoffs. I can tell I’m pushing the limit. She’s getting frustrated. But of all my great talents, knowing when to stop isn’t one of them. “Well, isn’t that poetic?” she asks me. “Just try, okay? For me? If today goes badly, then I will never force you to talk to him again for as long as you live. Just… don’t half-ass this, Darcy, okay? Try. Really, actually try. I think if you did, you’d find out that Cody isn’t and never was your enemy. You guys used to get along. At one point, I even wondered if you two had feelings for each other. But that was for, like, half a second. Then it all went to shit I guess.”

I want to explain that Cody isn’t my enemy. I don’t even hold any real animosity toward him anymore. It’s just a blatant fact that we weren’t made to be friends.And ‘ feelings for each other ?’ Hell no. It had always been one-sided.

But for Maya, I’ll do it. I’ll give in and stop arguing. I’ll actually try. But I just know that this isn’t going to go well. Cody and I just can’t seem to connect. It’s sad, but it’s true. There’s too much distrust between us. We don’t understand each other. And a day in the city won’t change that, no matter how much all of us wish it would.

I mean, we came so close last night to achieving something close to friendship. It was within arm’s reach. But as quickly as we had it, it was gone. It’s starting to seem like that’s just how it works for Cody and me.

“Fine. Let’s just get this over with.”

As I watch Maya's face light up with excitement, I'm struck by a wave of guilt. Here I am, grumbling about spending time with her and Cody, when Maya has been nothing but supportive of me for months. Despite flaking on me during this trip, I know in my heart that Maya deserves a break.

My mind drifts back to that awful night, just two weeks after Milo and I split up. I'd been putting on a brave face, telling everyone I was fine, that I was better off without him. But inside, I was crumbling.

That night, the facade finally shattered. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor, surrounded by shards of the plates we'd received as engagement gifts. I'd been unpacking them, intending to return them, when the weight of everything suddenly hit me. Our future, our plans, our life together – all of it was gone. In a moment of blind rage and despair, I'd hurled the entire box across the room.

I don't know how long I sat there, tears streaming down my face, my hands bleeding from where I'd carelessly tried to pick up the broken pieces. That's how Maya found me when she let herself in with her spare key.

She didn't say a word. She simply sat down beside me, heedless of the mess, and pulled me into her arms. For hours, she held me as I sobbed, stroked my hair, and whispered that everything would be okay.

When I finally calmed down, Maya got to work. She cleaned up the broken dishes, bandaged my hands, and ran me a hot bath. While I soaked, trying to wash away the pain and humiliation, I could hear her in the kitchen, talking quietly on the phone.

Later, I found out she'd called her boss and taken a week off work. For the next seven days, Maya was my lifeline. She cooked for me, made sure I showered, and forced me out of the house for short walks. She listened when I needed to talk and sat in comfortable silence when I couldn't find the words. She fielded calls from concerned friends and family, shielding me from having to explain my heartbreak over and over.

Most importantly, she reminded me that I was strong, that I would survive this. "You're Darcy fucking Gray," she'd say, her eyes fierce with loyalty. "You're the strongest person I know. This pain won't last forever, I promise."

And she was right. Slowly but surely, with Maya by my side, I started to heal. She celebrated every small victory with me – the first day I didn't cry, the first time I laughed genuinely, the first night out where I didn't think about Milo once.

Even after that week, when she had to go back to work, Maya remained constant. She'd check in every day, drag me out for girls' nights, and always seemed to know when I needed a shoulder to cry on or a kick in the ass to get moving.

Now, looking at her bright smile, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Maya has been my rock, my cheerleader, and my best friend through the darkest period of my life. She's put up with my mood swings, my self-pity, and my occasional backslides into grief without complaint.

If spending a day with her brother is what it takes to make her happy, then that's exactly what I'll do. Because after everything Maya's done for me, she deserves nothing less than my best effort. Even if it means playing nice with Cody Banks.

I walk down the sidewalk at a leisurely pace behind Cody and Maya. They’re chatting casually about something or another—a visit with their parents, I believe. I feel completely out of place. Like an outsider. We’ve been walking around town—blustery and miserable—for nearly an hour and if anything, the day is just getting worse and worse.

I’m a big enough person to admit that I’m not completely faultless in this situation. I could join the conversation, play nice, and pretend like I want to be here. But I’m too tired. The thought of pasting on a smile and playing the role of the sweet girl makes me feel sick.

Luckily, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s avoiding eye contact like the plague. Which is precisely what I’ve been doing since we met up with Cody in the lobby. I don’t look at him. I don’t dare. I don’t think that I could even if I wanted to. Things are different after last night. I see him differently and I know he sees me differently too. We were vulnerable. We saw parts of each other that we’ve been pretending don’t exist for the past ten years. I want to trust him. My first instinct is to trust him. But there’s something holding me back and I’m not quite sure what.

Well, that’s a lie. I do know what. It’s the fact that he’s a man and lately, I’ve found myself untrusting of men. I’m sure anyone could guess why. It’s not my fault. I’ve just been burned too many times. If I could just read his mind to know for sure that his intentions are pure…

Great. Once again, I’m driving myself mad trying to figure out what a man is thinking. No matter how much I pick it apart or dissect it, I’m as lost as I was at the beginning. It’s almost sickening how stressful it is.

And he’s glancing back at me. Every few steps, he’s looking over his shoulder. I pretend like I don’t see him. I pretend like he’s nothing but an empty shadow in front of me. But I see him and it’s making me crazy. Why is he looking at me? Why is he so utterly unpredictable? I hate unpredictable. I want to know when, why, and what at all times and with Cody, I know absolutely nothing.

At some point, Maya must become annoyed with the fact that I’m pointedly avoiding her and Cody because she slows the two of them down and they fall in line to my left. It’s quiet, almost uncomfortably so.

Maya is the one to break the silence, walking between Cody and me on the sidewalk. Her nose is bright pink from the cold, but it looks cute on her tan skin. I’m sure I look like a literal tomato, my face a neon shade of red from the blistering cold. “Is anyone gonna say anything here, or do I need to start a conversation that neither of you is going to like?”

At first, neither of us says anything in response to Maya’s enquiry. It’s uncomfortable, and we all feel it. But when Maya starts to open her mouth again, both of us jump at the opportunity to stop her. Maya is too unpredictable. There’s no telling what she’s going to say, and it could most definitely make things worse—way, way worse.

“Okay, okay, fine,” Cody says.

“We’ll talk,” I add.

Maya smiles triumphantly and for the first time in a long time—what might just be forever—I have to fight the urge to slap the smile right off of her face.

So much for wanting to keep her happy no matter the cost…

Cody and I are momentarily quiet, and I at least know Cody well enough to know that I’m going to have to be the one to start this.

“So, how’s the hangover?” I ask loudly, hoping to break the ice with a little harmless humor. I look over just briefly enough to catch Cody glaring at me, dark circles under his eyes making his face appear much more pale than it normally is. He looks miserable and angry. Apparently, he didn’t enjoy my joke.

This is exactly what I warned Maya about. Cody and I just aren’t on the same page.

“Fine, thanks,” he replies shortly. “And how is the stick in your ass feeling this morning?” He almost catches me off guard, but I stand strong.

I start to retaliate with something significantly worse when Maya grabs my arm. “Okay, that’s enough!” She groans and looks up at the sky like she’s cursing God for putting her in this situation to begin with. “I don’t understand you two. You get along one second, then the next you’re like a couple of bitter divorcees. And it sucks because you two individually are the sweetest people I know, but together, you turn into people I don’t even recognize anymore. Come on. Please. Can’t you just talk it out?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Cody says simply. “Whether we get along or not is our business, and you can’t force us into rekindling a relationship that just isn’t there.”

I’m offended that he’s speaking on my behalf, even if what he’s saying is true. We tried. We really did. And I thought things were going well, but nothing between me and Cody ever turns out the way anyone wants it to. It’s like we were made for the sole purpose of tearing each other down again and again.

“What happened between you two last night?” Maya asks, on the verge of anger. No one else would be able to detect the subtle tremor of emotion in her voice, but I can. And I hate it. This day was supposed to be for her, to ease her worries, but all I’m doing is making it worse. I hate myself for it. I must be the worst best friend in the entire world. “I mean, I really don’t get it.” She turns to her brother. “Is throwing a fit something you normally do, Cody? Because it’s not a trait I associate with you.” Her attention turns to me. “And Darcy, why were you and Cody together in the middle of the night, anyway? My God, for a couple of people who bring out the absolute worst in each other, you sure do struggle to stay the hell away from each other.”

“It’s not Darcy’s fault,” Cody intervenes before I can muster a reply. I’m caught so off guard by the admission of guilt that I’m rendered speechless. “I went to her room to talk to her, and I didn’t leave when I probably should’ve. She was trying to help. She was giving me good advice, but I didn’t want to hear it. So, I picked a fight and stormed off. The argument was my fault. Plain and simple.” His eyes flicker to mine, so big and blue that I immediately forget any negativity I feel toward him. Cody is sweet. But Cody is also a boy. And for the longest time, I’ve believed that that combo didn’t exist. But now? I don’t know.

“I’m sorry, Darcy. I was a dick to you yesterday. I don’t blame you for what happened last night. I’m just… angry. At everything. But not at you.” He looks at his sister. “And not at you, M. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. This was supposed to be a fun trip. I was going to show you everything that I love and teach you everything that I’ve learned here. I’m completely ruining it by letting myself get so caught up in unimportant things.”

I watch Maya give Cody a look that I struggle to interpret. Which is strange, given that I thought I knew every emotion Maya has. As I should . I know everything about her, right down to the freckle on the inside of her thigh and her fear of clowns. But this is new. It’s something she and I have never talked about. Not on the floor of my bedroom or in her parents’ basement. It’s foreign, almost as foreign as the pain spiking into my heart right now as I watch her.

I think this new emotion of hers might be sadness, but not an everyday kind of sadness. It’s the kind of sadness that cuts deep. It’s grief. Horrible, undeniable grief. But what could she possibly be grieving?

“Claudia isn’t unimportant,” Maya says to her brother, quietly, as if it’s not something I’m meant to hear. “And you know I don’t blame you for being upset over it.” The moment between them seems intimate. I feel as if I’m interrupting something private by listening. “And you haven’t ruined anything Cody. I’ve been just as distant as you have, so if you’re going to blame anyone, blame me. I mean, jeez, I’ve been running around with your coworker instead of spending time with you. The thought of that kept me awake last night while I was waiting for you to come home. Starting today, I’m going to be better. I’m going to get my priorities in line and be with you, like a good sister should.”

Cody sighs deeply, a loud breath that speaks louder than a thousand words. He nods and scratches the back of his neck “Yeah, yeah, alright. Can we just agree to start over?” He looks at me. “All of us? You guys are only here for a few more days, and I want to make the most of it.”

I nod, feeling oddly comforted by the situation. I never thought comfort and Cody would be two words to go together, but such is life, I suppose.

“Works for me,” I agree.

“That sounds perfect,” Maya echoes with a smile. She glances between me and her brother. “Thank you. Both of you. I love you guys.”

“Love you,” Cody and I echo back, our voices overlapping. Our eyes meet, and I find he’s actually smiling at me. This cocky, presumptive, gorgeous bastard is smiling at me!

God, I hate him and his stupid dimples.

Well, no I don’t.

But I really wish I could. It would make life so much easier.

Maya starts to walk ahead of us, or rather, Cody falls back to walk beside me, and I let him. He’s close, so close that I can smell his cologne and feel the heat of his skin against me. It’s like he’s testing me. Or taunting me. I don’t know which is worse.

“I really didn’t mean to freak out last night,” he tells me when Maya is out of earshot. “It’s just that Claudia is a sensitive topic. It wasn’t personal. I hope you know that.”

I think for a moment, carefully planning my words. The last thing I want to do is say something wrong. “No, I get it. I really do get it. I just… That’s why I thought I could help. Because I do understand. But I get not wanting help yet, or at all. God knows I probably would’ve reacted the same if I was in your shoes. I’ve been told that I can be a bit too forward at times, but unfortunately, I usually don’t realize it until it’s too late.”

Cody starts to speak, but my phone begins to ring before he can get a word out. I check it, and my heart sinks when I recognize the number as one that Milo frequently calls from. I grimace as I decline the call and feel any good mood I may have been starting to approach completely slip away.

Maya looks back upon hearing the phone, and her brow furrows when she sees my face. “Tell me that wasn’thim again.”

“Wish I could,” I say, tucking my phone back into my pocket.

Cody looks between us. “Wait, what? Who’s calling you?”

I don’t say anything, but I don’t have to because Maya’s on it. “Milo. He’s a complete stalker who won’t leave her alone no matter how many times she tells him they aren’t getting back together. He keeps finding new ways to contact her. Creepy fucker.”

Cody stops walking and watches me with the kind of concern that only he and his sister can achieve. It’s the kind of concern that you know is genuine—empathic concern. But beneath the concern is an emotion that his sister has never been able to master.

Anger. Pure, unbridled rage.

“He’s harassing you? Even after all this time?”

Maya and I stop walking and turn back to look at Cody.

I shrug. I feel like Cody can see right through me, like I’m completely exposed. “He thinks I should forgive him. But it’s honestly fine. I’ll admit, it’s annoying, but he’s harmless. All bark, no bite.”

Cody’s expression darkens in a way that would scare anyone but me and Maya. His anger isn’t for us. I know that. And I also know it’s my job to dissolve the anger before something bad comes of it. The last thing any of us needs is more trouble. I’ve had enough trouble in the past two days to last an entire lifetime.

“Give me his number,” Cody demands, pulling his phone out. “I’ll take care of it.”

“No,” I say immediately. “You’d just make things worse. And I can take care of it. I know how to handle him without rocking the boat.”

“Bullshit,” Cody growls loudly. A couple walking past us on the sidewalk give him an odd look and quicken their pace. “He’s gonna keep bothering you because you’re too nice to tell him what he needs to hear. I’m not. I’ll tell him exactly what a worthless piece of shit he is, and I’ll explain in explicit detail how I’ll personally stick my shoe up his ass if he doesn’t back off.” His voice is low and raspy. I nearly lose my breath. I don’t know what I can possibly say to that. I don’t think I could speak even if I wanted to. This is a side of Cody that I almost never get to see—a side that is utterly terrifying.

And I think I might like it.

“Back off, Cody,” Maya says for me, although I almost wish she wouldn’t. How far would Cody go if unchecked? If he wasn’t forced to behave, what lengths would he go to for me? “If Darcy wants your help, she’ll ask for it. It’s not your place to interfere.” She looks at me. “I am worried though. The calls are becoming more frequent.”

I wave her off, swallowing any kind of feelings that had been momentarily rising over Cody. I cannot let myself become consumed. Consumption is dangerous. It’s unreliable. It’s primal. I cannot afford to be primal. I have to be logical.

“I promise, it’s fine,” I lament easily. “Milo loves to whine and complain, but he doesn’t have the balls to actually do anything about it. Please don’t worry, alright? I have everything under control.”

Maya is watching me, and I know she doesn’t believe the words I’m saying—Hell, I’m not sure if I believe the words I’m saying. But she nods regardless, my silent supporter no matter what the circumstance. My cheerleader. My person. “Alright. Just be careful, okay?”

I give her my best smile, hoping it puts her nerves at ease, but I know her, so I know that it doesn’t.

“Always,” I say, taking her hand and squeezing it. A snowflake falls and lands in her messy curls. It’s beautiful, almost as much as she is. More flakes begin to fall, white and pristine. It really is gorgeous here. It’s like nothing bad could possibly happen. Nothing can hurt me.

It feels freeing.