Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

CODY

I don’t make it back to my room until the sun is halfway risen. I feel like crap, and I’m sure I look even worse. I spent half the night downing any drink that was handed to me, and the other half was spent hunched over the bar, too sick to fall asleep but too tired to throw up. I know I brought this upon myself, and I deserve every miserable second of it. Every single thing that went wrong was because of me, even long before Darcy ever got here. I think I might have done something to make God mad. Or maybe I’ve been cursed. All I know is there is something truly wrong with me. It’s just one tragedy after another, and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I’m not strong enough. I try so hard to be cool, to be strong, and to be the guy everyone wants me to be. But sometimes I just can’t. I’m too weak. I’m too damaged. I’m too damn exhausted. And God, am I exhausted. It’s the kind of exhaustion that couldn’t possibly be fixed with a good night of sleep. It settles deep into your bones and consumes you. It feels like running and running and never being able to reach a destination. It feels like I’m slowly drowning, and I have no life raft anymore. I’m trapped in the middle of a raging sea with nothing to keep me afloat.

I think I might reach the end soon. I think I might completely succumb to the waves. And I think it will be a relief.

When I make it into my room, I have every intention of going straight to bed and preferably never waking up again. But it isn’t that easy because Maya is sitting at the kitchen table with the chair pointed toward the front door, and I know that she’s been waiting for me. She’s as tense as I’ve ever seen her, and her eyes hold the kind of fury that I’ve seen in the mirror more times than I’d like to admit.

“Did you have fun ?” she asks in a tone that I know means she doesn’t actually want an answer to that question. “I hope so, because you scared the crap out of me. I get a call from Darcy at one in the morning, all freaked out because she thinks you’re gonna do something stupid, so I do what any good sister would do. I go looking for you. Your room is empty. No one has seen you. Darcy says you completely blew up at her. And where do I finally find you? Shit-faced with a bunch of tourists and drunk dads.”

That’s not good. That’s not good at all.

I’m not sober enough for this.

“Maya, I?—”

“Shut up, Cody.” In one quick motion, Maya stands up and gets in my face. I can’t help but notice she looks exhausted, and it’s a terrible feeling to know that it’s my fault. “You’re lucky that I’m not strong enough to drag your ass up here, or you’d still be fully dressed in a freezing cold shower, and you’d deserve every second of it too.” Her angry exterior momentarily cracks, and I can see the barely concealed sadness hiding beneath the surface. “You didn’t have to do this, Cody. I was right here. I could’ve helped you.”

I swallow thickly. “I don’t need?—”

“You don’t need help?” Maya fumes with a manic smile. “Yeah, sure. Of course you don’t. Look at you. You look amazing. Like a million bucks. Not like you spent the entire night with your head in a puddle of booze.”

I don’t say anything. There isn’t anything I could say to justify this even if I wanted to. She’s right. I know she is, and more importantly, she knows she is. Maya must take notice of my utter defeat because she seems to take pity on me. Her face falls ever so slightly, and she sighs. Her hand wraps around my wrist, and she leads me into the living room, where we sit side-by-side on the couch.

It’s quiet for a little while. I don’t have any words, and Maya doesn’t seem to either. It’s nice just being with her, though. It’s been so long since anybody cared about what time I came home. And lately, it seems like, more and more, I don’t make it home at all.

“I thought you were coping with this,” Maya finally begins. “That was the deal. I won’t tell anybody about what actually happened as long as you can prove that you can handle it on your own.”

I know, I want to scream. I know what a total screw-up I am. I know how damn pathetic this is. You don’t have to tell me. I know.

“It’s been eight months, Cody,” Maya continues. “Claudia has been gone for eight months, and you’re still in this same sad room. Look at this place! She’s—she’s everywhere! You still have the same throw pillows she picked out. You burn her favorite candle. You even buy her crappy health foods that you and I both know you hate. Why? She’s not coming back. You do know she’s not coming back, don’t you?”

I almost want to laugh at how much of a mess this is. Honestly, this is one for the books. If Claudia were here, she’d just laugh and laugh until she cried. But that’s exactly the problem. Claudia isn’t here. And she’s not coming back.

“I know she’s not coming back,” I tell my sister, surprised by the ragged state of my own voice. “You think I don’t know? I buried her. I take flowers to her grave every Sunday. No one knows better than me that she’s gone. I can’t forget that she’s gone, no matter how hard I try.”

Maya is quiet. I don’t dare look at her because I’m all too aware that the expression I’m sure is on her face will completely break me. My little sister pities me. I am pitiful. The love of my life has been dead for nearly a year, and I’m a complete wreck.

“You need to get some sleep, Cody.” Maya is disappointed. I can hear it in her voice. “I’m going to check in on Louis and I’ll come wake you up in a few hours. I’m taking you and Darcy into town for lunch. We all need to put some space between us and this cursed hotel.”

“Town?” I echo. “No, Maya. I don’t want to. Especially not with?—”

“You’re going,” she declares without leaving any room for argument. “And so is Darcy. And I’m going to figure out what the hell is going on between you two because something is off. This isn’t your guys’ typical dumb argument about pineapple on pizza or the state of the economy. This is more than that. This is serious. And if it’s serious, then I need to be involved, no matter how much all of us don’t want that. You clearly can’t be trusted to handle any of this on your own.”

That feels like a punch to the gut.

“I’m not a little kid, Maya.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re sure acting like one.” Maya’s lips stretchinto a thin line. She wants to say something, but she’s holding back. Probably for the best. I don’t think I could possibly handle any more criticism right now. “I’m not trying to be a jerk,” she tells me quietly after a while of silent staring. “I just know you. I know you need tough love right now. I mean, we’ve done coddling. We’ve done emotional support. None of it helped. And I don’t want to lose you, Cody. I don’t want to get another call in the middle of the night telling me you didn’t come home, and this time it’s permanent. I don’t want to have to explain to our parents why my big brother isn’t around anymore. And that’s exactly the path you’re heading down. It’s so easy to make one little mistake and ruin your life forever, and?—”

She realizes what she’s said. I realize what she’s said. I feel every bone in my body tense up, and my throat begins to tighten. My hands shake. I can’t make them stop. I can’t breathe. I’m trapped in a burning car, and I’m screaming for help, but nobody is coming. I’m dying, and it’s almost a relief because I can no longer hear the sound of Claudia’s pained whimpers beside me, and I know that my life has been ruined forever, all because of one little mistake.

“I’m so sorry, Cody,” Maya sputters with wide eyes. “I didn’t mean?—”

“I ruined her life. I killed her, Maya. I—” The words get caught in my throat. I think I’m going to choke on them. “I killed Claudia.”

Immediately, Maya is at my side. She’s wrapped her arms around me, but all I can think about is Claudia sitting next to me on this couch. I can hear her sweet giggle as we watch TV together. I can smell her perfume, still lingering on every T-shirt and pillowcase. I can feel her hands in my hair, weaving and winding until I fall asleep.

I miss her so much, I think it might kill me.

“It’s not your fault,” Maya tells me. “It’s not your fault, Cody.” She says it again and again and again, but the words don’t sink in, because the truth is that it is my fault. I was the one driving. I was the one going too fast on wet, winding roads. I was the one who looked over at Claudia. I was the one who didn’t see the truck coming right for us. I was the one who lived.