Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

DARCY

I try to tell myself that I’m not in the wrong. I try to tell myself that Cody is pretentious, rude, immature, and downright stupid. He’s not my bodyguard. I don’t need him to protect me. I don’t want him to protect me. I don’t want any man to protect me. But that wouldn’t really be the truth.

I spend the evening pacing the floor of my room. Maya, naturally, is nowhere to be found. I’m angry at her. I’m angry at Cody. Hell, I’m angry at myself for being so affected by everything. I’m a grown adult. I’m above temper tantrums. And yet, I sure threw one out there with Cody like a damn fool. And over what? A disgusting old man.

Randall is not the first disgusting old man I’ve had to deal with in my life. I can’t fathom why I got so worked up. I’m supposed to be better than that. I have to be better than that.

My rhythmic pacing halts when I hear a knock at the door. It’s nearly midnight. Maya has a key.

That could only leave one possible guest, and I really don’t want to see him. Not after I made such an idiot of myself.

I move toward the door. Please don’t be Cody, please don’t be Cody, please don’t be ? —

I pull the door open.

“Cody.” There he is, with those sickeningly blue eyes.

He pushes past me into the room and picks up where I left off, pacing across the carpet.

“You were right, Darcy. Completely right. I was abrasive and violent, and it didn’t help anything. You don’t need me to defend you, and I’m?—”

“Cody.” I put my hand on his shoulder to stop his repetitive turning and walking. His eyes meet mine, and I can’t help but smile at the worried indentation between his brows. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who should be sorry. I was abrasive. If I wanted you to stop, I should’ve just said that instead of getting mad and storming off. That wasn’t very mature of me. Of course, I didn’t need you to speak for me, but I do appreciate the thought. It’s been a long time since anyone besides Maya has cared enough to threaten a little old man for me.” I smile and hope it isn’t too soon for such a joke to land, and apparently, it’s not, because Cody breaks out into a grin.

“Oh, well, anytime. It’s my pleasure, really.”

I snort a laugh. “I’m sure it is. You know, I’m sort of getting the impression, Cody, that you like a bit of conflict.”

I see a hint of pink on Cody’s cheeks at the implication. He gives a little shrug.

“I’ve been known to enjoy a fight or two in my time, but I wouldn’t say that I’m exactly proud of it. I call it ‘self-preservation.’”

I scoff. “What you should call it is ‘thrill junkie.’ Because that’s exactly what you are. An adrenaline addict.”

Cody waves me off and wanders further into the room. I have half a mind to tease him for making himself so comfortable, but I figure it isn’t the time.

I watch him sit down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “Oh, no, no. Maybe when I was younger, but not anymore. I’ve learned my lesson on all of that stuff. I live a quiet life, thank you very much.”

I sit next to him and raise an eyebrow. “You teach skiing for a living. You live on a mountain. You threaten helpless old men.”

“ Perverted old men,” Cody corrects. “And yeah, so what? Quiet life doesn’t have to mean boring life. There’s a distinct difference.”

“And what might that distinct difference entail?” I enquire.

Cody hums. “Well, for starters, I’m not living in a concrete jungle. I’m connected with nature, and I’m doing something that I love. But I’m not jumping off of cliffs or living in a tent in the middle of the woods. I’m living an exciting life, but not a dangerous one. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Putting someone like me in a big city is a recipe for disaster. I’d probably be arrested for reckless endangerment within a week.”

I laugh at the thought. “And we both know your parents aren’t bailing you out.”

“Oh, absolutely not,” Cody is quick to agree. “I’d rot in there.”

We both laugh, and when I turn, I catch him staring. I don’t know why it’s so jarring when our eyes meet, but it is. I feel like a schoolgirl, unable to look at him without smiling. I have to tell myself that that’s just Cody. Cody is the kind of guy who can make anyone smile. Even the most pessimistic person on the planet would find Cody intoxicatingly pleasant. It’s just who he is. He’s a charmer. I’m not special. Not in the slightest.

“Thank you for coming to apologize,” I tell him in a desperate attempt to change the subject. “You didn’t have to, but it means a lot that you did. Most guys wouldn’t get why I was so upset. They’d think I’m dramatic or overreacting, which, granted, I was, but for a good reason.”

Cody doesn’t hesitate to shake his head. His gaze fixes on me so intensely that I feel like I might be the only person in the whole world. Or at least, that’s how he’s looking at me.

“You weren’t overreacting,” he says. “I mean, I didn’t get it at first. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would feel completely incompetent if someone did to me what I did to you. I never intended to make you feel that way. It’s just… big brother instincts, I guess. I wanted to protect you.”

Big brother instincts.

What the hell does that mean?

“Yeah, no.” I shake off my confusion. “I get it. If it was Maya instead of me, and I was in your shoes, I’d have done the same thing. Just maybe with a bit more tact.”

“Pfft. Tact is my middle name. I’m nothing if not professional with the guests.”

I nearly laugh. “You grabbed that poor man by his collar and told him he would—and I quote—‘be sorry.’ If that’s you at peak professionalism, I don’t think I wanna see you on a bad day.”

Cody splits a grin, and I’m caught off guard once again by how utterly handsome he is. I should be used to it by now, but every time he smiles, it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. His dimples. His adorably crooked teeth. The corners of his ocean-color eyes crinkling. I can’t fathom that he’s even a real person. No human being should be allowed to be this pretty. It’s completely unfair.

“Ya know,” I start to say before I can even begin to stop myself. “It’s kind of nice not being your sworn enemy. I forgot how easily we get along.”

“Yeah, you would, seeing as you couldn’t go two minutes without a snarky jab in my direction,” Cody says, and I express my gratitude for his input with an elbow to his ribs.

“I’m being serious, Cody. It’s weird. I’m glad you left and found somewhere that makes you happy, but I kind of wish you’d stayed at home with us. Maybe we could’ve found some middle ground sooner. Maybe you could’ve helped me kick my ex-fiancé’s ass. Or at least RSVP’d to the wedding, which I’m still upset about, by the way. I can’t believe you weren’t going to come to my wedding.” It was my last lame attempt to reconnect with him. He had been an important person in my life and I had wanted him at my important day.

Cody puffs out a sharp breath of air, and I see him barely withhold an eye roll. “Oh, come on, Darcypops. You didn’t want to invite me. Maya made you because it would’ve been a dick move to invite everyone in my family but me. You didn’t really want me to come. If you had, I’d have been there in a heartbeat. You should know that by now.”

I ignore the nickname from when we were younger and the flutter in my belly. I can’t pick out any indication that he’s lying. He’s being serious. He would’ve come to my wedding.

“How could I possibly know that when I don’t know... you ?” I ask him. “It’s been years since we’ve had a full conversation. I don’t know anything about you, and you don’t know anything about me.”

Cody smiles, but it’s small, and there’s something about it that almost looks fragile. It’s a brutal reminder that he’s a real person and not just some emotionless fallen angel.

“So why’d you care so much that I wasn’t coming to your wedding if we’re just complete strangers?”

Oh, he’s good.

He’s a little too good for my liking. He’s holding eye contact. He won’t look away. It feels like a competition, and I just know that I’m losing. But then, I always lose when it comes to Cody. Ever since we were kids, this little never-ending game that we play has been impossible for me and effortless for him. Every step forward that I take, he’s taken five. But that’s Cody for you. Just when you start to think you know where his mind is at, it’s somewhere completely new.

“Because…” The words are like poison in my mouth. They’re toxic and sickening, and I don’t think I can dare to utter them. But Cody is looking at me, and it’s like some of his unlimited courage seeps into me. “Because maybe I was hoping that you’d show up anyway. You were always so good to me, Cody. You were the only boy who ever was. I thought maybe you’d show me that I’m worth flying across the country for because Milo sure as hell didn’t think so. I could barely get him off the couch to kiss me, let alone love me. But I wanted that life with him so badly that I was willing to pretend like everything was fine. And you not coming was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I was worthless. I knew Milo was the best I would ever get. And it sucked. I mean, it really, really sucked. I’ve never felt so unwanted in my life.” I take notice of the way Cody is looking at me. I can see the thoughts swirling around behind his eyes, and most of all, I see guilt. I see it utterly consuming him, from the darkness behind his eyes to the deep frown his lips are set in. Without even realizing it, I reach out and take his hand in mine. “I’m not blaming you, Cody. Because I don’t. I promise you, I don’t. I just… I want you to understand why I was so angry when I got here. It wasn’t personal—not really. I just was—am—in pain. That’s all. But I really am happy to be here with you. It feels… right. A lot more right than anything has in a very long time.”

Cody’s hand is warm in mine. I can feel the calluses along his palms, the roughness of his skin that has undoubtedly been worked to the bone day after day for year after year. He’s got the hands of a man. I find it interesting to compare them to Milo’s hands, so soft and smooth like he’d never worked a day in his life.

“If I’d been there, Milo wouldn’t be around to bother you anymore. I can promise you that.” Cody’s voice is low and dangerous, but I don’t feel threatened because I know the deep-seated anger is not directed toward me. He would never direct it toward me. “And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. If I could go back and—” His voice halts, and I see his face, for just the briefest moment, slip from the tightness that has a hold on it. I see the agony in his eyes and the pain weighing them down. “I never told you this—didn’t tell anyone but Maya, really—but I got engaged around Christmas to the most incredible girl in the whole world. The love of my life. And it… Well, it didn’t work out. She… She left my life. And I was crushed. So you can understand why when your wedding invitation showed up two weeks later, I wasn’t all that excited for you. I know it’s selfish, and I should’ve put my own shit aside to be there for you, but I...”

“Cody.” The word comes out as a strangled exhale. I hold his hand, hold it so tightly that I can feel the thumping pulse of his veins. “Cody, no. Oh my god, no. Please don’t be sorry. I—I get it. You know I do. If I’d gotten a wedding invitation of all things in the mail after my breakup, I would’ve lost it. I don’t blame you at all. I—I’m so sorry. If I’d known, I...”

“Well, like you said.” He smiles, but it doesn’t nearly reach his eyes. “We don’t know each other anymore. And that’s no one’s fault. Just how it is. We weren’t close enough to share this shit with each other—haven’t been since middle school.”

My lungs feel tight. I don’t think I’m breathing properly anymore. It feels like someone is stepping on my chest.

“But Maya?—”

“I made her swear not to tell anyone. Not even our parents. Wanted it to stay intimate, y’know? Something for just the two of us. We were making a plan to tell our families at the same time. But it was only a couple of weeks after I proposed that she…” He trails off, and I don’t have the heart to urge him to continue. He looks crushed. I know the feeling—I know it well, in fact.

“I’m so sorry,” I say again because I can’t think of any words that could possibly suffice. I try to imagine what I wanted people to say to me when I told them about my split with Milo, but all I can remember is wanting to disappear into the floor every time he was brought up. It was torture of the worst form. “We don’t have to talk about it,” I finally tell him. “I mean, we can if you want to, but I understand if you?—”

Cody interrupts me with a dry laugh, one like he’s trying to seem genuine but just doesn’t have the energy to pull it off. “Yeah, sorry, this got morbid really fast.”

I try to ease his discomfort. “No, Cody, I?—”

“It’s cool, Darcy. Just how life works.” He looks away from me, and that’s when I know I’ve lost him. The facade is slapped right back on his face, and he’s grinning that boyish grin once more, like it never even left. “Well, I think I’m gonna go hit the bar. It’s not quite happy hour anymore, but I’m cool with the bartender. I can get a good discount. Wanna tag along?”

The anxiety churning in my stomach is making me nauseous. I place my hand gently on his bicep.

“I really don’t think you should be drinking right now, Cody. That’s a dangerous road when you’re so upset.”

“Upset?” Cody scoffs and pushes himself off the couch and, more importantly, away from me. He’s trying to escape before I can trap him. “I’m not upset. I told you, it’s just how things are. There’s no use crying over it.”

I stand up and close the space between us. I try to take his hand, but he pulls away once more.

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, and we both know that. You don’t think I haven’t spent hours— days —trying to fix the shit I’ve gone through? I’ve done everything under the sun. Medication, self-help books, tequila. And none of it helped. You know why? Because that’s just running away from it. The only way to ease the pain is to face it head-on.”

Cody’s eyes finally meet mine, and I’m shocked to see the anger ablaze within them. I can see his jaw clenching and unclenching again and again.

“You don’t know me anymore, Darcy. If you don’t want to drink, fine, but don’t try to psychoanalyze me when you’re…you’re… even more of a hot mess than I am.”

I reel back.

He doesn’t mean that. He doesn’t. He’s just in pain and trying to push me away before I can get to the root of it.

“Cody—”

“I’m being so fucking serious right now, Darcy. I’m not doing this with you. If you want to chat and have some fun, let’s go. Otherwise, stay here. I really don’t care.”

My eyes narrow. I don’t give a shit how upset he is. No one talks to me like that.

“Fine. Go drown yourself in liquor. Disappoint your sister. Disappoint your parents. Be the total burnout everyone at home already thinks you are.”

I see a flash of pain in Cody’s eyes, but I’m too angry to let it dissuade me. Cody and I stare each other down in a silence filled with so many unsaid words. And then he leaves. Just like fucking always, he leaves.

And just like always, I don’t chase after him.