32. Blaise

"Thought I'd find you here."

I grunted at River, not looking up from the book I was reading. My finger was tracing the words as I double checked every sentence. The answer could be in any one of these texts and I'd be damned if I'd miss it.

River kicked my ankle. "Dude, stop ignoring me."

"I'm busy." I turned the page, my attention going straight to the top sentence. "Unless you're here to help, politely fuck off."

"Blaise." River's hand covered the paragraph I was trying to read, forcing me to look up at him. "The answer's not here. We've already looked."

"We might've missed something," I snarled, shoving his hand out of my way.

"Blaise, stop."

I finally looked up at him, hating the pity in his eyes. Even after I'd been rescued from the ghasts, while I was in the deepest, darkest pit of my mind, he'd never looked at me like that. Like he knew there was no good answer and was just waiting for me to realise it too.

"I'm not giving up on him," I said quietly, grabbing another book from the teetering stack beside me. "It doesn't matter that we're not together. I love him, Riv. I'm not about to lose him."

"I'm not saying that," River said carefully. "But it's been four months, and you're no closer to an answer than when you started this."

The pages beneath my fingers tore as my hand fisted. I hastily tried to smooth them out before Emon spotted it. The shifter librarian was on the timid side most of the time, but hurt one of his books? That was when his dragon would come out to play.

Until the past few months, I hadn't even realised this place existed. Buried in the crypts of Winchester Cathedral, this huge library held texts covering everything to do with the supernatural world.

Toby might've refused my help, but that wasn't going to stop me searching for an answer. It wasn't even about winning him back. I'd meant what I said when I'd told him his curse didn't matter. That I loved him, broken parts and all. If he couldn't accept that, then there was a chance we'd never work.

That didn't mean I was about to lose him from this world. I loved him. I might fucking hate that fact some days, but nothing would change that. I loved him, and I was going to do whatever it took to save him.

"Blaise, I have to ask…" His voice trailed off. I paused in my reading to peer up at my twin until he continued. "Is this out of guilt? Because you feel bad about the fact that he touched the sword because of you?"

"No," I said shortly, dropping my gaze back to the page. Don't get me wrong, I'd felt a boatload of guilt, especially in the beginning. But Dr. Tyler had helped me see that it wasn't my fault. Toby was right—he'd chosen to touch the sword. I hadn't asked him to do that. "It's because I love him."

"Then why not work with him to find an answer? He's been researching just as hard as you. Just last week, Mori took him back up to Scotland to see if Madison had found anything new."

I stilled. "Has she?"

"No." River patted the back of my hand. "I'm sorry, dude."

I shrugged him off, flicking to the index. "Toby was very clear when he told me he didn't want my help."

"Is that why you're ignoring him?"

"I'm not ignoring him."

"Please." I didn't need to look up to know that River was rolling his eyes. "You don't even look at him when you're in the same room together."

I closed the book with a sigh, knowing I wasn't going to get anything else done until River had said his piece. "I know what he looks like, Riv."

"Do you?" His grey eyes, so similar to my own, were full of admonishment. "Because if you looked at him, you'd see he's hurting, Blaise. That man is fucking broken right now. Whenever he sees you, he stares at you like you're the one thing keeping him going. Like you're an oasis and he's dying of thirst. You can't tell me you don't see that."

Of course I fucking saw it. It cut me in two every fucking time. It was why I went out of my way to avoid him. It was bad enough that I was broken. I couldn't cope knowing that Toby was too. "I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"Tell me why you won't go talk to him," River said helplessly. "I know he hurt you but?—"

"He didn't just hurt me," I said firmly. "He broke my trust then refused to let me close."

"Mori did the same to me. You know what I did? I made a fucking nuisance of myself until he had no choice but to pay attention to me."

"That wouldn't work, not with Toby. If he wants me, he knows where to find me."

Better than most people if the number of times I'd caught him stalking me suggested anything. I never acknowledged him, never called him out on it, mainly because I had no idea what his objective was. If he wanted to speak to me, why didn't he just do that?

River frowned. "Hang on, are you waiting for him to make the first move?"

I blinked at my twin in confusion. Of course I was. At the end of the day, no matter what our relationship status was, Toby was still a Dom and I was a sub. If either of us was going to make a move then it was going to have to be him.

"Oh my fucking Satan." River groaned, dropping his head into his hands. "You two are ridiculous. Four fucking months this melodrama has been going on. Four months, and I've just realised I could've ended it within a week."

"What are you talking about?"

"Okay, I do not want to discuss this, because the thought of you being kinky…" River winced. "Nope. Can't picture it."

My face flamed. "Fuck, Riv. No one is asking you to picture it. Hell, I didn't even realise you knew about it."

"You and Toby are possibly the least subtle people ever…apart from myself and Mori, that is. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I asked Toby why he hadn't contacted you."

My spine went rigid. I'd explicitly forbidden River from getting involved. "You did what?"

"Simmer down." River rolled his eyes. "Like you wouldn't do the same if the shoe was on the other foot."

I opened my mouth before closing it firmly. Yeah, he had a point there.

"What I was trying to say was, after a lot of prodding, nagging, and a wee bit of punching?—"

A growl slipped free. "You punched him? Again?"

River waved a hand. "Meh, he deserved it. Tell you what, I'll let you get a free hit in at Mori the next time he's being a dick."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, reminding myself that if I set River on fire in the library, Emon would ban me. "Just tell me what you have to say, then fuck off so I can get back to reading."

"He said you safe-worded."

"Yeah, so? I safe-worded so he'd let me leave. That's no reason for him to not contact me."

River pursed his lips. "Sure that's all you said?"

I wracked my memory. "Fuck."

"Red. Let me go, Tobes. Leave me alone."

"He can't really have thought I meant I didn't want to hear from him?" I asked River in exasperation. "Is that seriously why he's not spoken to me?"

"Safe-wording is the most important principle when it comes to kink."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, along with honesty and communication. He kind of fucked those two up, so I'm amazed he's stuck to this one."

"Is that really fair? Yes, he lied to you, but he had a reason for it. A fucking good reason."

"He made a decision without consulting me, River."

"Because he was trying to protect you. Besides, wasn't that part of his role as your Dom?"

"His role was to be honest with me," I said quietly. "And even if I could move past that, it doesn't matter. He's insisting that he won't consider a relationship with me until he's found a cure."

"Is that why you're basically living in a library?"

"No." I glared at my twin, affronted that he'd even ask. "I'm not hunting for a cure because it's the only way he'll accept me, but because I need to save him. Are you telling me you wouldn't do the same for Mori?"

"Of course I would. I didn't mean it like that. But you've got to be honest, Blaise. Isn't there a tiny part of you that thinks if you can fix this, you'll win him over?"

I looked down at the page, but the words were blurry. "Can you blame me? I love him, River. He might've lied to me, hurt me, and ignored me, but that doesn't change the fact that he holds my heart. He might not be my fated mate, but that doesn't fucking matter. He's it for me. It's as simple as that. I'd do anything for him."

"If you'll do anything for him, then why won't you wait for him?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's said he'll consider a relationship once his curse has been cured. If you love him, surely you can wait?"

"I shouldn't have to. Love shouldn't come with conditions."

River smiled at me sadly. "Is that what's really stopping you?"

"No." I brushed away a tear before it could leave a blemish on the page. "What if…what if I do wait, and then there's no cure? What if this is the only time we might have together? What if I'm wasting it all by being mad at him? I've been waiting for him to make the move this whole time without realising he won't, either because I safe-worded or because he thinks us being apart really is for the best."

"Those are all excellent questions, but there's only one you should be thinking about right now."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

River stood up, cocking his head towards the entrance. "Why are you talking to me about all of this instead of to Toby?"