21. Elliot

Ifinish my sandwich and grab Graham's trash, stuffing it back in my bag.

We decided to try out the spring, without shoes thankfully, and swam for a while. Afterward, we climbed the trail back up and sat down for lunch at the edge of the lookout.

I brought him here because he asked me to let him come with me when I needed space. I want to tell him. I want to explain where we are and what it means, but I keep chickening out, unable to find the words.

Last night was big.

That's it.

Just big.

Authentic, I guess, if we're using Doc's fancy-ass words.

After the four of us cuddled on the couch, we went back to the nest and joined Hunter and Logan. Nothing was different, except that I was.

I don't even know how to explain it, except that with the four of us together like that, I felt like a part of my pack in a way I had never let myself be before. If I keep going down this road, I'll be someone different. I can see what Graham was saying. I can almost imagine that other Elliot. But I think the other part Graham said was also true. I've got to make a decision.

I open my mouth, unsure of what to say, but this time, I decide to speak anyway. "The first time I came out here and Hunter asked me to yell, I thought he was fucking nuts."

Graham looks away from the water and over his shoulder at me. "Did you do it?"

"Did you?" I hook my arm over my knee and give him a smug smile.

He lifts his brow, his eyes flashing. "A dare's a dare."

"Yeah. We were sitting here, and Hunter says that the reason he likes it out here is because you can say whatever you want and the cove swallows it, so we don't have to."

Graham whistles."That's some deep-ass shit right there."

"Hunter's full of that stuff if you listen. Half the time I don't, but some of it sticks." I pick at the moss, needing to look away for this part."That was the day we buried Lance. It was months after the news and an empty coffin. He brought me out here because I was losing my mind. And maybe he was too."

"So he brought you to yell," Graham says, but it isn't a question. He understands, and that makes it easier to keep going.

"He screamed over this cliff, and he said everything I wanted to say but didn't know how. All the fucked up questions about why we lived and all the anger about being left. I screamed with him, yelling until my throat was raw."

The memory of Hunter on his knees, crying out over this cliff, brings a coldness to my limbs. I remember how I watched, feeling that same agony, but I didn't comfort him. I didn't know how. Not then. But I think maybe I do now.

"His curses turned to crying. But mine didn't. And when we went back to the house, I still felt all those things inside. All that anger and hurt. He said it could stay out here, but those feelings followed me home because I didn't know how to let them go. I just held on to them."

"Oh, El." Graham moves back from the ledge and crawls toward me, his face full of compassion and his eyes wet. He wipes at his nose, plopping down and resting his head on my shoulder. "You can choose new things to hang on to."

He's right. I can decide.

"You asked why I'm afraid to let my guard down. It's because I've been broken most of my life. I tried to protect my mom, and she left because of what I am and what she thought I would turn out to be.So I decided that it's best for everyone if I don't let anyone get too close, because alphas like me aren't safe."

I never wanted to present as an alpha. I believed my father's anger and hatred were locked into my DNA.

I brace myself for this part, my voice raw. "I was twelve when I presented. My father was on a bender, and he was hurting my mom. I tried to protect her. She saw what I did, saw what I was capable of, and she ran. I thought she was smart to run. I didn't regret hitting my father, didn't regret what I had done."

I was an alpha, and I would be just like him.

And after that day, he never hit me again. She never came back, so he didn't hit her either. But it's always proved to me that I'm not safe. Alphas aren't safe.

I believed my father's lies. And I've been living my life like a ticking bomb, ready to go off.That's not fair to Sadie, this pack, or me.

"No, El. Alphas aren't inherently dangerous. You are a good alpha. You deserve love and tenderness. You're so gentle and thoughtful. So careful with your strength. You're nothing like your father. Who you are is beautiful, and you don't have to be afraid." Graham pulls me into his arms, his words insistent, pleading.

I collapse against him and let him hold me.

He speaks softly while rubbing my back. "Maybe she didn't run because of you, El. Maybe she ran because you gave her a way out. And I'm sorry she didn't take you with her. But if she did run in fear of you, then she was wrong."

Maybe he's right. I don't know if it matters. I've been afraid because I'd never known there was another way to be an alpha. Never had a model other than the ones in my family. Not until meeting the alphas in my pack. They taught me that I could be a different kind of alpha.

But I've still been keeping myself back. I didn't see what Hunter was trying to show me then, or what Tristian and Graham have been trying to show me for years. Sadie has tried over and over to convince me that I'm safe. Maybe I wasn't ready to believe them. But it hits me now.

I have to decide, like Graham and Sadie did, if I'm going to let go of the life I grew up in. I've known for a long time that the men in this pack are good. Different. But I've counted myself as separate from them.

My ass hasn't stepped foot in my father's house since the day I turned eighteen, but I don't know that I ever really left. His shit is in my head, and I may never be able to get it all out. But I can decide to hold on to something better, and I can decide that I'm better than what I inherited. And I choose that path. I choose to run toward love, to let it in instead of going back to where I came from.

The tears come again. It's as if I've sprung a leak, and now years of tears are spilling out at every opportunity. These aren't gentle. These wreck me until I choke on them. It's ugly. All the dark shit I've kept inside bursts out like a spewing, spitting volcano.

Graham clutches me tighter and holds me together while my insides spill out. He whispers words I can't make out, but they feed that ache in my soul. I cling to his strong arms and dig into the skin. He pulls me to him, holding me tightly.

Inside the bond, Red backs up Graham's embrace with understanding. I feel her sense of urgency, her desperation to get to me so she can reassure me. She sends pulses of light in the bond that creates a soothing rhythm, as though she's purring. It causes a rush of peace that floods into the spaces between the trembling sobs.

Eventually, my chest quiets and the tears putter out.It's like a summer storm has blown through, and now the air is clear.

I'm filled with a rush of calm as Graham's purr settles around me, mirroring the beat of Sadie's inside my bond.I take their comfort without shame or fear.