22. Sadie

I'm on the dock before Hunter can tie off the boat. My legs pound the ground and I race away from the cabin toward the woods, intent on getting to Elliot.

Something is very wrong with my Bear. Hunter and I were fishing out on the river when the first roll of thunder came through the bond. The power of it stole my breath. I've felt the darkness in Elliot before. Or at least I thought I had. That was nothing.

Nothing.

This darkness is a violent, raging hurricane of self-loathing, guilt, and terror.

As we paddled furiously back to the dock, the storm inside the bond grew until everything was blacked out except flashes of searing, white-hot pain. The feel of it was so sharp that my sides ached and my stomach turned.

Hunter got us back to the cabin in record speed, but it's not enough. Tears run down my face, but I brush them back. I weave through the brush, palm fronds hitting my arms as I stumble over the uneven roots. I'm following an invisible trail, being tugged to my alpha through a line that seems to spring from my chest.

Strong arms circle me from behind, stopping me.

"Let me go." My voice shatters on a scream, even though I can scent Tristian's espresso and ink. Tristian's arms hold me tighter and I thrash against him. I buck and yell, desperate, but he's a wall of alpha.

"I know, love, I know," he says softly.

He turns me, folding me into him. I beat against his chest, but he only holds me tighter. He squeezes me until it no longer feels as if I'll break into a million pieces. I take a shuddering breath, trying to keep myself whole.

"I have to get to him, Doc," I plead.

"I know, love, but not like this. We can't go traipsing in the woods after them." He rocks me in his embrace, still holding me tightly.

"I can find him. Let me go. The bond was?—"

He cuts me off with a kiss to my head, picking me up under my knees. "I believe you. It's possible you could follow the bond, but we need to wait here. I promise Graham will bring him back to us."

My arms circle his neck and I sag against him. More of those stupid tears I'm always crying spring to life, and I close my eyes. Elliot is hurting and I'm not there.

"Purr for him, sweetheart," Doc says.

I do as he says, focusing on filling my purr with as much understanding and love as I can. It's a small thing in my chest, sputtering in fear then starting again. Doc joins mine and the low sound helps me to find a balance.

Tristian carries me back toward the cabin even though my heart tells me I need to be going in the other direction.

"What happened?" Logan's nervous voice calls.

"Elliot. He's in pain, but he's not hurt. I don't think," Doc explains. He sits us down on the porch swing and I straddle him, hanging on. "Go help Hunt at the dock and then we can talk," he tells Logan.

Lo's footsteps sound on the stairs as Doc pushes us in a slow glide.

"It's gonna be all right. Keep purring for me, precious. You're doing everything you're supposed to. They'll come back." Doc keeps speaking, encouraging me and reassuring me in his smooth voice until the blinding panic passes.

I stare unseeing at the blurry image of bright afternoon light and green trees until Hunter returns with Logan, carrying our gear.

"Baby girl, can you tell me what's happening now?"

My voice is scratchy when I speak, and I have to clear my throat. "I don't know exactly, but he's calm now." I close my eyes again and follow the tether in my mind, tugging on the line. It responds, and somehow I understand. "They're coming back."

"All right. You and Doc stay there. The weekend is almost over anyway. Lo and I are gonna pack up so we're ready to leave when they get here." Hunter brushes his lips on my temple. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I think this was a good thing."

I nod into Doc's shoulder, but I don't know if I can believe Hunter until I can see for myself that my mate is all right.

When Graham and Elliot emerge from the woods what feels like a solid lifetime later, we're all waiting. They move slowly, their steps laced with exhaustion. I take off toward them at full speed.

"Bear?" I jump into Elliot's arms, practically tackling him. "What happened?"

He wraps his arms around me, hugging me close. My hands touch everywhere I can, checking him over. But he's fine. Even his scent is sugary, sweet marshmallow.

"It was good. I promise. I needed to leave some shit out there." His voice is gravelly, raw from whatever happened in those woods.

I look into his eyes and trace where he's been crying. When he unleashed whatever was inside him earlier, I thought it might drown me in a tidal wave of hatred and self-loathing. I could feel Elliot's past, vignettes of feelings more than actual flashes of memory. If I could find a way to rip out the memory of his father, I would. I guess he and I have that in common.

My gods, I don't know how he could hold all those feelings inside and still be standing. He took on so much by himself, weighed himself down with the weight of those emotions.

And it makes me wonder if that's why he's made his body so strong. Is it so he can carry it all? Or was that just the result of always needing to find a way to let them out somehow? I don't know, but it makes me appreciate even more his strength and his softness despite what he's been through.

I know what he says about being okay is true because he feels different in the bond. Lighter but almost solid. Gone is the smoke, and in its place, something else is taking root.

I shake my head. "It's okay if you don't have the words right now or ever. But I felt all of it with you and I'd like to understand."

He drops his forehead to mine and nods. "Okay. But can we go home first?"