Don’t Hold Back （21）

Ryan stepped onto the back of Koski's Silverton 50 Convertible from Mar and Jake's dock, setting down the cooler he'd brought on the back deck and making his way up the stairs to join his teammate on the fly bridge. "Holy shit, dude," Ryan told him, awestruck. "This is fucking incredible."

Growing up in Minnesota, his family had often spent time on Lake Superior when he was younger, before the demands of having a young, elite hockey prospect had taken over every aspect of their lives completely. He and Luke used to go wakeboarding off the back of their dad's small Tidewater center console, but he'd never seen anything quite like this. He was still getting used to the fact that these guys made serious money.

And that now, so did he.

"When we get out there, you wanna drive?" Koski asked, gesturing toward the helm.

Ryan shook his head, smiling. "Nah. I think I'll just watch you have all the fun."

"Grab a beer and get comfy. Is about a 45-minute ride to where we anchor. Water will be too cold for swimming but is nice view."

He went back down to the cooler, grabbed two beers, and returned, handing one to his teammate before making his way to the seat in the front of the fly bridge. The wind was whipping around him as Koski pushed the engines to max speed, but it was a nice distraction from his thoughts, which mostly consisted of how much he wished it was he and Hayes out here together instead.

Ryan knew he wasn't getting over Hayes anytime soon, but dammit if he wasn't gonna try.

The kid still had needs.

He'd fucked two guys since breaking up with Hayes, both of whom he'd met on Grindr, and both of which had been an absolute disaster.

The one was a hot, 19-year-old twink with a Jacob's ladder, which Ryan had really enjoyed tonguing and sucking on. However, he had some very serious daddy issues, something Ryan had tried to, but ultimately couldn't get on board with, especially when it ended with him crying and begging him to tell him he was a good boy.

"I…yeah, I'm sorry. I can't do this."

The other was an older man in his late 40's who'd fucked Ryan into a coma, but who Ryan had discovered was married when he'd gone to the bathroom to clean up after they'd finished. His wife wouldn't stop blowing up his phone that he'd conveniently left face up on the hotel nightstand, taunting Ryan to take a peek. He'd never gotten dressed and dipped out of a hotel room so fast, which was really saying something considering his checkered sexual past.

He'd also hooked up with a girl again one night after an away game in Dallas, when the guys all went out to a club afterward, just to see if he still could. She was a gorgeous blonde with huge fake tits and a tiny waist: the closeted Ryan Baylor special. They'd ended up back at her place, where they'd climbed into the hot tub together and he'd fingered her until she came. After a lot of effort and frustration on her part, he'd finally managed to orgasm, but only because he was thinking about Hayes.

It was all useless; he knew that.

Hayes was his lobster.

His really mouthy, pain-in-the-fucking-ass, broken, drug-addicted lobster, but his lobster nonetheless.

Once they'd gotten to the spot where they were going to hang out, Koski asked Ryan to head to the stern and toss the rear anchor while he dropped the front one via the winch to avoid swinging too much in the strong current.

The scenery was gorgeous. They were far enough out in the bay that they could just barely make out the skyline in the distance, but they were anchored right across from a small island where the water was super clear. They grabbed a couple more beers, shed their shirts, and headed up to the bow, where, after spraying each other down with sunscreen, they lounged out on either of the two sun pads.

"This NHL life is shit, eh, Baylor?" Koski joked, setting his beer down and folding his arms behind his head.

"Totally. The worst."

"How is your boyfriend? He is doing OK in treatment?"

Ryan's face flushed at the word "boyfriend" and he took another sip of his beer. "He's doing really well. But, uh, we're actually…broken up at the moment."

"I'm sorry to hear," Koski offered. "And you are OK with that?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah. It's…I don't think it's permanent or anything. He just…made some bad decisions, lots of bad decisions, and right now he needs to focus on getting better. I figured this was…one less thing for him to worry about." Ryan kept talking, even though Koski hadn't asked. "I'm still there for him. I go to family therapy sessions with him, we talk every night. It's not like I abandoned him. I just…I don't know. I'm sorry. I'll shut up now."

Koski shook his head. "Talk all you want. I will listen."

Awww.

Ryan decided to change the subject. "So that workout, man. My quads are fuckin' screaming today."

"Told you. But did you see what happened today at practice? You moved. You were much faster. You've made such good progress so far. I'm proud of you, and I'm really glad you're here, Baylor." He looked over at Ryan who looked right back at him.

"I'm…really glad I'm here, too."

"So, did you…you wanna see below? You think is nice up here? Wait until you see below." Koski stood up, extending his hand to help pull Ryan to his feet. Ryan grabbed onto it and immediately felt the electricity between them. He knew exactly what was going to happen when they got down there.

And he wanted it to.

Koski led Ryan loosely by the hand to the sliding door, letting go as they made their way down. "Make sure you duck. Headroom is only like 6 foot 6. You just make it. So, this," he gestured, "is salon, which is like living room. The galley, which is like kitchen. They give everything different fucking name on a boat. I don't know why."

The satin-finished cherry wood, modern appliances, and Corian countertops were exquisite, and for being such a small area, the space was maximized to perfection. He followed Koski through a doorway which led them past a guest stateroom and head, and then ultimately into the large portside master stateroom. "And this," Koski said, throwing his hands up, "is where the magic happens."

Ryan laughed, his smile dropping and his ears ringing wildly as his teammate brushed his own shirtless chest against Ryan's and slid his hands around his waist. "Is OK if I kiss you?"

That caught Ryan off-guard, not because Koski had wanted to kiss him, but because he'd asked for Ryan's permission. He was used to people taking what they wanted from him, what they needed from him.

He wasn't used to being asked for his consent.

Ryan moved his hands to rest on top of his teammate's, which had begun making their way up his obliques. "Um, are you…gay? Bi?"

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Kinda," he replied quietly.

"Then for you? I can be." Koski's hands wandered onto Ryan's chest, and he traced his half chest tattoo slowly with his index finger. "You're so beautiful, Baylor. I tried to ignore it, but you, this…is all I've been able to think about."

"I've…been thinking about this, too," Ryan whispered, slipping his hands around the back of Koski's neck and sliding his fingers through his hair, pulling his face closer to his own. "So, fuck yeah it's OK if you kiss me."

"Good."

Their lips met and Ryan was instantly on fire. His cock throbbed as he parted his lips and allowed Koski's tongue entrance into his mouth, licking at it wildly with his own. He didn't want to want this as bad as he did, but the guy was fucking hot as hell and something about the way he'd asked for consent before kissing him had turned him on.

He felt his teammate's hands make their way down the front of his body, dragging his fingertips across Ryan's abs and hooking them under the waistband of his shorts as they continued feverishly rubbing their tongues against each other. Ryan backed him up until his knees hit the edge of the mattress and he fell backward onto it, pulling Ryan on top of him by his waistband.

Breaking the kiss, Ryan moved his knees onto either side of Koski's thighs, straddling him as he placed his palms flat against each of his pecs. His teammate's eyes were hooded but locked on his as Ryan began dry humping him, adjusting his angle so his hard cock rubbed against his teammate's equally hard cock every time.

"Fuck…Baylor," Koski moaned, lifting his hips in time to meet each thrust of Ryan's. "This is…so hot."

Ryan leaned down to his teammate's ear, kissing it lightly, then whispered, "What do you wanna do to me?"

"Everything. I wanna do everything to you."

"Mmm." Ryan kissed his way across his teammate's neck back to his lips, trying to ignore the taste of sunscreen that was currently filling his mouth. "Be specific," he whispered onto his lips. "I'll do whatever you want. Tell me what you want."

"Jesus, Baylor," Koski whimpered, as Ryan steadily ground his hips into him. "You're gonna…fucking make me cum."

"That's the plan." Ryan sat up, unbuttoning Koski's shorts, yanking them and his briefs down and completely off, freeing his uncircumcised, rock-hard cock. Ryan, upon seeing what he was working with, knew exactly what he wanted.

Time for some payback.

"Dock me?" he asked, removing his own shorts and boxers, sliding them down over his ass, and kicking them onto the floor. He reached down to Koski's shoulders and pulled him up so they were both sitting upright and facing each other, Ryan in his teammate's lap.

"I've never…done it before."

"Me neither. We'll experience it together, OK?"

Koski nodded obediently, reaching down to his own cock and wrapping his hand around its base as Ryan did the same. They lined them up tip to tip, both panting and staring into their laps.

"Pull it back," Ryan instructed, unable to stop himself from obsessing over the fact that Hayes had done this with TK while they'd still been together. He felt an intense sexual desire coupled with an equally intense fury, and he struggled as to which he should give his attention.

He ultimately decided to hand it over to the sexual desire, placing his hand around both of their cocks and sliding his teammate's foreskin around his cockhead. "Holy shit," he moaned, as they both began to rock their hips in time with Ryan's jerking. "Oh, shit."

The smooth, silky feel of Koski's foreskin wrapped around his head, the feeling of allowing himself to be so vulnerable with another man who wasn't Hayes was almost too much to handle.

Hayes.

His mind wandered to images of Hayes and TK doing this exact same thing.

In Hayes's bed.

Where he and Ryan had fucked, then cuddled.

And told each other how much they loved each other and talked about their future together.

He wondered if it'd felt this good for Hayes. Had he thought about Ryan at all while he let his teammate jerk his giant cock and cum all over it?

As much as he hated the thought of Hayes and TK together, he hated even more that it got him so close to the edge every single time. And most of all, he hated that it no longer was just his go-to spank reel, but it'd actually happened between them. The thought had him sick to his stomach and absolutely fucking feral all at once.

"Fuck, Koski. I'm gonna…cum all over your fuckin' cock. You want me to?"

He shook his head before abruptly pulling away from Ryan. "No. I wanna suck that fat dick, Baylor."

"Lie back," Ryan instructed, moving all the way up his fellow d-man's body and positioning himself over his face.

You shouldn't be doing this.

You're still in love with Hayes.

You're gonna marry him someday.

He did his best to ignore his inner monologue as he rubbed his thick head against Koski's lips, teasing them open. "Suck me fucking dry, slut."

"Oh, I will," Koski moaned. "And you? Don't hold back." He poked his tongue out to lap at Ryan's cockhead. "Fuck my face hard and cum down my throat."

Ryan rose up onto his knees, wrapped his hands around the back of his teammate's head, and thrust his hips forward as he felt him open his mouth. Koski gagged but persisted, propping himself up on both elbows while Ryan held his head in place a few inches off the bed as he fucked his mouth hard and steadily. "Mmm, yes. You're so…good at this. I'm so close already…"

Ryan tensed up, pushing his hips forward until Koski's lips were flush against his skin. He groaned as he exploded down his teammate's throat, feeling him greedily swallowing on his pulsing cock. Ryan lifted his fingers to Koski's forehead and ran his fingers through his hair as their eyes met. "So good. You suck me so good."

Ryan pulled out of his mouth. He climbed off and lay next to him, leaning in and shoving his tongue into his mouth, eager to taste himself. "Your turn," Ryan said, breaking the kiss. "How do you want me to make you cum?"

"I wanna fuck you." He climbed on top of Ryan, rolling him onto his back and straddling his hips. "If that's OK with you."

Ryan nodded. "Get up for a sec," he instructed, as he bent down to the floor and wiggled his hand into the pocket of his shorts. He pulled out a condom and a packet of lube and handed them to his teammate. "It's all yours."

"You come prepared, Baylor," Koski remarked, tearing the condom open and rolling it onto his aching cock as Ryan lay face down on the bed and bent his knees. "So, I've never fucked a guy before," he told him. "I just…I go for it?"

Ryan snickered, thinking about the first time he and Hayes had sex and how Hayes had gone in with virtually no prep. Ryan had been able to take his cock, but it'd been uncomfortable for a bit. "A lubed-up finger or two first helps…"

Ryan gasped, as he felt Koski's tongue circling his rim. "Or that…fuck."

He had to stop himself from moaning Hayes's name while his teammate tongue-fucked his asshole, then he whimpered as Koski replaced his tongue with a slick finger. He worked it in and out for a bit before removing it, lining up his lubed cock, and pushing himself slowly inside.

"How do you like to be fucked, Baylor?"

"Hard," Ryan panted. "I like it hard and fast. Don't hold back."

"I can do that."

Koski pulled almost all the way out and slammed his hips forward, Ryan whimpering with pleasure and pushing himself back to meet every forceful thrust. Koski reached both hands up to Ryan's hair, grabbing two fistfuls and pulling as he continued to fuck into him. "Like that? Huh? You like it rough, Baylor?"

"Yes. Fuckyes. Use me. Fucking…use me," he moaned, grabbing hold of his own thickening cock and jerking it in time with his teammate's thrusts. "Gonna cum again…fuck."

"Tell me when…you're close. I wanna…cum with you."

Koski continued to fuck him relentlessly, nailing his spot with every push forward. "It's…so good," Ryan praised his teammate. "You fuck…so good."

"You take it so well, Baylor," Koski panted, yanking his head back again and leaning down to bite his neck, causing a little whimper to escape Ryan.

"I'm…close. I'm gonna…cum again."

Koski let go of Ryan's hair and used both hands to flip him onto his back. He ripped the condom off, tossed it aside, and then grabbed both of their cocks with the same hand, squeezing them together as they both painted Ryan's abs and chest with streams of thick, hot cum. "Baylor. Fuck. Holy shit," Koski moaned, staring wide-eyed at the mess they were making together on Ryan's beautiful body.

Ryan came, but all he could think about was Tyler Hayes, wishing it was him on top of him, spurting his load onto his body instead.

Koski was hot, but he wasn't Hayes.

No one ever would be.

Ryan's fellow blueliner collapsed onto the bed next to him, panting, and threw an arm lazily over Ryan's chest. He trailed his finger around his tattoo again, mindlessly, as they recovered from their orgasms, the boat rocking from side to side in the heavy current. "You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen," Koski told him. "I'm sorry if that's weird. I'm just…I'm crazy attracted to you."

"I'm attracted to you, too," Ryan told him, even though every fiber of his being was screaming for him to get off this bed, put his clothes back on, jump over the side of the boat like Forrest Gump, and swim his ass back to wherever the fuck Tyler Hayes was. "Have you ever…like, with a guy before? I mean, I know you haven't fucked, but…"

He shook his head. "Just you, Baylor. You were the first."

"And you sucked my dick like that?" Ryan couldn't help it; it just flew out of his mouth. But the guy had taken his cock straight into his throat like a veteran porn star.

"Your dick begs to be sucked that way."

Fair enough.

"Well, my dick's been…in a lot of places. And that's the best head I've ever gotten. No lie. You're a natural, Koski."

"I wanted to please you."

"Well, you for sure did."

There was a bit of a silence, then Koski broke it. "How did you end up with Tyler Hayes anyway? You have always been gay?"

Ryan shook his head, as he realized they were holding hands. "I think I always was gay, but I had no idea until I met him. I mean, I'd hooked up with guys before, but I…long story. I fell in love with him. He's…kinda everything to me."

"He is lucky man. Listen, this…this is whatever. I…kinda have girlfriend, too. Is not too serious yet. But I…like her. So this is just…OK? It was fun, but it doesn't have to mean anything. It was just for fun."

Aaaand there it was.

The gut punch he was waiting for.

What? Did you think he actually had feelings for you, Baylor?

Don't you know better by now?

You're not boyfriend material.

Apparently not even for your own boyfriend.

"Yeah, I mean…totally." Ryan sat up abruptly and got off the bed, retrieving his boxers and shorts from the floor and pulling them on. "So, the bathroom. I can…just use it, like normal?"

"Yeah. There's water in the tanks. Can't shower or anything, but you can flush, wash up. Whatever you need to do."

"OK, cool."

Ryan made his way into the head and barely closed the door behind him before his breathing began to spiral out of control. He sat down on the toilet and buried his head in his hands as his anxiety nailed him like a runaway freight train.

Five things you can see right now…

He lifted his head and caught a glimpse of himself and his post-sex hair in the mirror.

Four things you can hear….

Why was he so usable?

Three things you can touch…

Why didn't anyone want to get to know him for anything more than sex?

Two things you can taste…

Why wasn't he worthy of being cared for or loved?

One thing you can smell…

Bullshit.

"Stop it. Right now," he told himself aloud, wiping the tears from his cheeks bitterly. "You know who you belong to."

He jumped slightly as Koski knocked lightly on the door. "Baylor?"

He had no idea how long. he'd even been sitting here.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I, uh…your phone is blowing up, man. I don't…I didn't look, but like, it won't stop."

"OK," he said, getting his shit together and opening the door. Koski was standing there and handed him his phone. He looked at the screen; there were eight missed calls and two voicemails from White Oaks Rehabilitation Center, along with six texts from Amara.

Fuck.

He opened the text thread from Mar and his stomach sank.

A: Ry. Call me as soon as you get this.

A: White Oaks called. They don't know where Ty is.

A: Ryan? Ty left. They can't find him. Please call me.

"Everything is OK?" Koski asked cautiously, as Ryan shook his head.

"No. Hey, can we head back? I think…I think I've got a problem."

"Of course. Let me know how I can help."

"Thanks, man."