White Oaks Rehabilitation Center （19）

Christmas Eve

The White Oaks Rehabilitation Center in Tampa was where Hayes was completing his treatment. He'd gone through his seven-day detox, during which he'd prayed for death, and was working his way through the 35-day inpatient program. Once he'd completed that, it'd be determined whether or not he'd stay for the remainder of the 60-day program or if he could transfer to an outpatient program at a sober living facility.

He was hopeful it would be at sober living because then he could spend a few nights a week away. And he was really hoping he could spend them with Ryan.

White Oaks had an extremely regimented schedule.

Wake up was at 6 a.m. every day, which was followed by a community meeting, breakfast, and then an individual counseling session, where Dr. Rosa worked on the different aspects of Seeking Safety that Hayes had expressed interest in pursuing. These mainly consisted of learning to use coping mechanisms for his triggers instead of drugs and alcohol.

Between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. he attended a variety of different group counseling sessions and workshops, some of his choice and some based upon the needs his medical providers had determined for him. Hayes had been particularly interested in the relapse prevention workshops, since he had no desire to ever be in this position again. They broke for lunch at some point and also received an hour of free time, during which he usually chose to relax or nap in his room.

Once 4:30 p.m. rolled around, residents could choose from a variety of different recreational activities and further counseling sessions, as needed. He'd been making sure to attend at least a few on suicidal ideation each week as part of his deal with Dr. Rosa.

She'd initially placed him on periodic suicide watch after learning about the bridge incident during their first session, but he assured her that the thoughts hadn't returned since that night. And once she'd gotten to know him a little better, she agreed to pull back the monitoring if he attended sessions.

Additionally, Hayes used at least two to three hours of this time every day to work out like a fiend, as the facility had state of the art exercise equipment, weights, personal trainers, and even a boxing ring. There was something to be said for the NHL funding your recovery: only the best amenities were available.

He was still battling the rib injury, but he loaded up on Advil and sucked it up for the most part. He knew he needed to stay in prime condition because he was going back to play hockey and finish his rookie season at some point, come hell or high water.

Being in rehab blew, but he had to admit: the place wasn't awful. Residents had their own private rooms and were offered a decent amount of free time, being able to use their personal electronic devices from 7:30 p.m. until lights out at 10:30 p.m. Hayes used this time nightly for two purposes: keeping in touch with TK at his Jacksonville facility around 9:00 p.m., since that was his facility's allotted phone time, and plotting ways to get Ryan Baylor back. He'd begun compiling the "Tyler Misses Ryan" playlist and would send Ryan the link to a song and a part of the lyrics that resonated with him every night after they hung up.

It'd broken Hayes's heart, having Ryan break up with him right before he entered rehab, but he couldn't say he blamed him. He'd cheated; whether it was intentional or not, he'd cheated on Ryan, and good for Ryan for sticking to his relationship boundaries.

And it wasn't that Ryan had done it to be heartless. He didn't have the first clue how to process the unbelievable pain that was slowly consuming him, and understanding the need for Hayes to focus on his own recovery, it just seemed like the right thing to do. Considering this was only the second relationship he'd ever been in, he was doing the best he could.

Regardless, the man had kept his promise to Hayes. He'd been there; he'd answered the phone at night when Hayes called, he'd kept in touch with the rehab facility as Hayes's point of contact, and he'd even taken some personal time off and cleared it with the NHLPA so he would be able to attend the family counseling sessions. The conversation they'd had in the parking lot the morning Jake and Ryan had dropped him off at the rehab facility played in Hayes's head on a continuous loop.

"Rook, I know I fucked up. And I know this is all a mess right now. But I meant what I said, OK? I'm gonna get better."

"I know you will, Tyler. And like I said, I'm here for you. Just because we broke up…I won't abandon you. Ever."

"Ryan, you're the only thing in my life I give a shit about right now. All of this that I'm doing, all of it, is for you. I want you…I want you to be able to love me again."

"I haven't stopped loving you," Ryan told him. "I just…I have boundaries now, and unfortunately, you crossed them. Breaking up with you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and that includes going through the death of my father. This isn't…the ending I wanted for us. Trust me."

"So, tell me what I have to do to make it right," Hayes asked intently, reaching for Ryan's hands. "You tell me what to do and I'll do it. No questions asked. No hesitation. Ryan, what do you need from me?"

Ryan lifted Hayes's hands to his face and kissed each of them gently before letting them go. "Survive. I need you to survive. Then we'll go from there."

"Done. I'll survive. This isn't the end for us, Ryan Baylor. I understand you gotta do what you need to do, but we? We're gonna make it. You're gonna be my husband someday. I said it before and I wasn't kiddin'. I'm gonna fuckin' marry you."

"Let's just agree to give it our best shot, OK?" Ryan had told him, as they exited the car. Jake pulled Hayes aside before he left Ryan alone to check him into the facility.

"Hayes? I come from a long line of alcoholics. I know how much you love Ryan, but you don't do this for anyone else. Do it for you, OK? Yes, we all love you, but this has to be a decision that you make for yourself. Get better for you, and then the rest of it will fall into place. Besides, your nephew is gonna need his Uncle Ty around to teach him how to play hockey." Jake teared up as Hayes wrapped his arms around him and squeezed.

"And I'll be there for him. Every fuckin' step, man. I promise."

His detox had started that very day, right after Ryan had left, and it had been excruciating.

Grueling.

Savage.

He'd sworn on numerous occasions that he wasn't going to make it through, that he'd just rather roll over and die.

The stomach pain. The sweats. The shakes. The vomit.

Somuch vomit.

The night terrors. The constant, nagging feeling of having ended up a failure in every single aspect of his life.

They were giving him a combination of buprenorphine and naloxone to minimize the withdrawal symptoms, but it wasn't really doing a whole lot.

He'd wanted to give up more times than he could count.

But that wasn't Tyler Hayes's style.

Tyler Hayes was a goddamn fighter.

And fight he did.

Just like the counselors told him he would, he'd come out alive on the other side of it. However, when he'd found out that the new drugs were going to be continually administered to him at a lower dosage until he was able to wean off completely, he'd argued fiercely with the medical staff. He insisted on wanting to go completely cold turkey, but they said it wasn't an option.

"What's the actual fuckin' point of comin' off one drug just so you guys can get me addicted to two more? Makes zero fuckin' sense, lady!"

"Listen, I understand you're upset, but this is how things are done here, Tyler," the doctor had told him. "We do what we know works, what's been proven to work. Not to mention, you need to adhere to the NHLPA player assistance program's guidelines if you wanna even think about getting back on that ice anytime soon. So, enough with the mouth. How about you just let us save your life, OK?"

???

Ryan sat on the opposite side of the couch from Hayes, both across the room from Dr. Rosa. It was Christmas Eve and also the very first day of family therapy for Hayes and Ryan. The session was going well, as Dr. Rosa attempted to acquaint herself with the dynamic between these two young men.

"Ryan, thank you for being here for Hayes. It's become very clear to me over our past two sessions that you're an extremely critical part of his life, and I know this must be difficult for you. Your support is to be commended."

"He's not a part of my life," Hayes corrected. "He is my life."

"Well, I understand you're broken up at the moment. I have to ask, though: is the ultimate goal that the two of you will get back together at some point, or should I take the approach I would take for a friendship or other familial bond? I'm just curious as to how I should treat this relationship in order to maximize our progress."

At that exact moment, Hayes and Ryan both turned to look at each other.

"That's the goal for me," Hayes replied, eyes still glued to Ryan's. "Rook?"

Ryan, without a word, nodded slightly.

And Hayes's heart damn near exploded out of his chest.

She explained to them that she liked to keep these sessions brief, at no more than 30 minutes a few times a week, or for them, whenever the Lightning's schedule allowed. For this first meeting, she walked them through a discussion about how both of their addictions affected their relationship and some of the problems it had caused, one of which was the threesome with Sev Kirscher.

"Ryan, even though you're in recovery, you're still very much a sex addict," Dr. Rosa explained. "That isn't something that just goes away. Like any other chronic disease, addiction can be treated but never cured, and that's why it was so important for you two to understand and respect each other's potential triggers.

"Hayes, you're in a relationship with a sex addict. Presenting the opportunity to bring another person into the relationship ‘just this once' is the equivalent of Ryan presenting you with a little bit of heroin ‘just this once.' It's something that I recommend not happen again."

Tagging Sev had been hot as fuck, but she had a point.

The other conversation that took place was the cheating with TK, a conversation that just about broke Hayes. Dr. Rosa asked Ryan to look at Hayes and tell him exactly how the cheating had made him feel, both times, as she considered what happened in the private room at the strip club cheating as well.

But it wasn't the dredging up of those cruel, drugged-up half-memories that shattered Hayes's soul; it was Ryan's response that did it.

"I hate that it happened, but I could overlook the fact that you hooked up with him. Sometimes sex is just sex, and no one understands that more than I do. The part I'm struggling with is that you turned to him for support when you should've turned to me. And I don't…"

Ryan paused, trying his best to maintain his composure but ultimately losing the battle.

"I don't think it was entirely your fault, Hayes. I didn't…I wasn't there for you the way I should've been. You never should have needed to turn to him. I should've been there for you. And I'm sorry…that I wasn't."

"Rook, no…"

"Ryan, you cannot blame yourself for the decisions that he made," Dr. Rosa explained. "Regardless of what you did or didn't do, Hayes still did what he did, and it's important for him to take responsibility for that. Do you take responsibility for the decisions you made with TK while high on drugs, Hayes? Do you understand the emotional toll this has taken on Ryan?"

"Yes. A thousand times yes. And I'd fuckin' sell my soul to the devil if I could take it all back," he whimpered. "If you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, Rook. In any way possible. I don't…me without you? It's not even an option for me. You're my fuckin' everything."

She let them both cry for a bit in silence, observing their body language and interpreting it. And what she'd ultimately gleaned from it was that these were two broken men who were still very much in love, and who, though they had some things to work through, were going to be just fine.

As she wrapped the meeting, she gave them a homework assignment for the next session. "I'd like you both to write down what your life together would look like if your addictions weren't getting in the way. Present, future, doesn't matter. I want to see what you both envision for yourselves. Ryan, it was lovely to meet you. And Hayes, I'm off for the holiday tomorrow, but I'll see you in two days for another round of coping skills. You've done really well with the first round, and I'm proud of you. I'll walk you both out."

They got up and followed Dr. Rosa out of her office, both of them knowing their time together was limited to this counseling. Hayes, as outlined in the rules of his inpatient treatment, wasn't permitted to have visitors.

When they got to the end of the hallway, she turned to them. "So, I'm supposed to walk you out to the exit. But, um, I think you can find your way there. Just walk slowly," she said with a wink and turned to leave them alone.

"Plans for Christmas?" Hayes asked as they made their way, leisurely, to the front exit. He'd wanted so badly to grab Ryan's hand but held back.

"Not much. Mar was starting to have some contractions this morning, so we, uh, we might have a baby in the house sooner than we thought. It's crazy. She isn't due for another two weeks."

Hayes gulped, remembering his conversation with her that night over a week ago. "Wow. Yeah, that's…crazy."

"Yep. And there's no point in me going home. I have practice the day after and then we play the Panthers the day after that. I'll probably go home over the All-Star break. How about you? Big plans?" Ryan smirked, Hayes smirking right back at him.

"Oh yeah. Huge. Meetings, workin' out, and probably jerkin' off in my room thinkin' about your sexy ass at some point."

"Is that right?"

"Remember about this time last year? When I gave you my Isles jersey and what happened afterward?"

Ryan nodded. "Like it was yesterday."

They were approaching the exit and security was monitoring their every move.

"Rook?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm still yours, OK? I never won't be. The minute you decide you're ready to forgive me, whether it's ten minutes from now, ten days from now, or ten years from now, I'm yours, Rook. Whenever you want me. I'll wait fuckin' forever if that's what it takes."

"Hayes, say goodbye," the guard near the desk told him. "No visitors besides therapy sessions. You know that."

"Yeah, I know that. Alan," Hayes muttered. He turned toward Ryan. "Anyway. Merry Christmas, Rook. Let me know what's goin' on with Mar and we'll talk soon, OK?"

"Of course," Ryan replied quietly, his bottom lip beginning to quiver. "I really don't…wanna leave you here."

"I know. But I'm gonna get better, baby. I promise you. Yo!" he yelled, turning toward the desk. "Look away, Alan!" Hayes reached out toward Ryan for a hug and was quickly met with his embrace in return. "I fuckin' love you, kid. So much."

"I love you, too." Ryan whispered, pulling away tearfully. "We'll talk soon. I gotta…go."

Hayes watched him hurry out of the building toward the parking lot, then turned back toward the desk where Alan and the receptionist were staring at him. "What, you gonna rat me out? Do somethin' then!" he snapped, patting his chest and putting his hands up.

"You always such a mouth?" Alan asked, shaking his head.

"Yup. You always such a dick?"

He grinned. "Yup."

"Perfect," Hayes mumbled, heading back toward his room.