21. Jay

CHAPTER 21

JAY

This past month, it felt like a weight was lifted off of Ash's shoulders. He didn't hesitate anymore when anything related to football came about. In fact, he'd absolutely come alive.

His love for football had been revived, that was clear, and instead of being happy for him, the anxious bug inside of me cried out. I felt like the worst boyfriend. I should be happy that something so important to him didn't just fizzle out—though I never once doubted that it would—but instead, I was worried about our future.

With each passing day, it meant we were getting one day closer to when Ash needed to leave for training camp. His off-season training workouts had already started, which meant it was only a matter of time before he'd have to leave for minicamp, then the start of the new season.

I'd gotten so used to having Ash around that I was scared about what would happen once the time we had together greatly diminished. The Austin Troopers might be based here, but I'd heard from his family that he'd get so busy during the season they rarely saw him.

I assumed it would be the same this year, and how would that be any different from a long-distance relationship? It was no surprise that countless long-distance relationships didn't work, especially when the couple went from seeing each other all the time to rarely at all.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Ash when he told me he loved me, and he never shied away from showing me how much he cared about me, but I couldn't help the fear in the back of my head telling me this wouldn't last, that this was only a disappointment waiting to happen. It was the same fear that had kept me from traveling, which only made it so that I stayed in my limbo, waiting for it all to crash down around me.

The only thing was…I didn't want the relationship I had with Ash to crash.

What made it worse was that Ash seemed perfectly fine through all of this. He was unaffected by the passing of the days that were leading him further away from me. Which should be a good thing. It meant that he was confident in us and trusted our relationship would last past the season.

I loved his optimism, and it was one of the things I'd admired about him. He pushed forward, unafraid of any obstacle that might be in his path, and he'd encouraged me to do the same. But in this situation, it frustrated the hell out of me, because the onlyprecedent I had of being away from Ash was when I went off to college, and we'd completely lost contact after that. It terrified me that history might repeat itself.

"Darlin', are you all right?" Ash asked, rubbing a hand up and down my back.

The way his voice deepened by a half tone when he called me that still brought chills through my body but in a comforting way. My shoulders relaxed into his touch, and I turned to steal a sweet kiss.

The fear regarding our future meant I'd been in a surly mood for the better part of the week. I was sure Ash noticed. He'd often show his concern and ask if something was bothering me. I hated that I was making him worry. I knew if I told him what had been on my mind recently, he'd take me seriously and reassure me.

I wished I could just open up and tell him what was weighing my heart down, but that was the thing with hearts. It refused to do the logical thing and chose to suffer by overthinking each and every time.

Thankfully, this usually only happened when I was alone with my thoughts. Here in Ash's arms, I found solace that we were together for now.

"I'm better now that you're here," I replied, and I could feel his smile against my lips. "How were the kids today?"

He absolutely lit up as he told me about his day with the kids. They had an afternoon mock game, and Ash gave me an animated play-by-play on how his kids had kicked ass. He was especially enthusiastic as he spoke about Ruth, who, in his words, was a budding star quarterback.

No matter how busy his week was or how tired he was getting back into training for the new season, he made sure to make every Queering Sports event they hosted.

"I'm a little sad today was the last regular event for a while," he said in the end. His shoulders slumped under my hand. "Though, it's probably for the best since training camp is up again soon."

I froze. The lingering worry tried to overtake the calm, but I forced it down. That wasn't what Ash needed right now.

I rubbed his shoulders, and he slowly loosened up underneath my hands. "I'm sure the kids will miss you just as much. You'll be coaching them again before you know it."

The smile that graced his features told me I'd said the right thing. His eyes softened as another kiss landed on my lips. I savored his taste, licking and nibbling on his lips. I wanted more, but all too soon, he pulled back again. He chuckled at the soft sound of protest I made when his lips weren't filling mine anymore.

"Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about," he said. The logical part of me said he wouldn't be smiling like this if the thing he wanted to talk about was something bad, but the emotionally tired side of me couldn't help but keep my anxiety up. I waited with bated breath for him to continue, and his next words only proved that he was a freaking tease. "But that'll have to wait till later. If we don't hurry, we'll be late to Howie's special night."

"You totally did that on purpose. Got me all curious just to deny me the satisfaction of fulfilling my curiosity," I grumbled.

"You'll just have to be a curious kitty for a bit longer," he teased and smacked a quick kiss on me before turning around. Ash's laughter rang out behind him as he padded into the bathroom.

The shower turned on a few seconds later, and I had to press down the urge to join him and maybe even drop to my knees and use a little persuasion to make him finish what he was going to say. But I didn't, because today was Howie's big night, and there was no way I was going to be late for that.

It didn't take long for Ash to wash up and change. I drove us to my parents' place, and we made it a few minutes earlier than the specified time. The plan was for all of us to get into place before Mia arrived with her parents.

We entered through the fence gate—which was basically the house's front door with how many parties my parents held on the patio. The backyard looked dark from the front of the house, but as we crossed the gate, I could see fairy lights strung up all around the patio, lighting up the space in a romantic soft glow.

A walkway of rose petals started from the gate leading down to where they had a garden arch set up. And there, standing under the arch, was Howie, in a white suit, and looking like he was about to throw up.

"Oh, thank god you two are here," he exclaimed and made his way to us. Even in the dim lights, I could see him turning a pale shade of green.

"Are you okay?" I asked with concern, but that was entirely the wrong question to ask, because Howie's eyes widened and he somehow looked even more panicked than he already was.

Mom came over and smacked him hard on the back. "He's fine," she replied for him. "Just a case of nerves. Breathe with me now." Mom did the ‘ hee-hee-hoo-hoo ' breathing pattern like I'd heard some people suggested during childbirth, and Howie followed her lead, but it only seemed to increase his panicking.

"Uh, Mom. I don't think that's working," I said, worried that Howie would pass out at this rate. She stopped and stared at my now slightly pale brother and hummed.

"Find him a seat somewhere. I'll get him something to drink," she said, then left the three of us to our own devices.

Ash and I found an empty seat and plopped Howie down onto it. There were people milling all around. Everyone came together as a family to help. Some brought items from inside the house while others continued decorating, but everyone gave us some space while we tried to calm down the main star of the night.

Mom found us and quickly handed over the glass of water before heading to help the others. Howie drained the glass and looked much better after getting some fluids inside of him.

"You okay?" I asked, stroking his back comfortingly.

"Yeah," he replied, sounding a bit out of breath. Ash handed him a cloth napkin to wipe the sweat that had formed on Howie's forehead. "Just nerves, I think." My brother was quiet for a second, then turned his puppy-dog eyes to us. "What if she says no?"

I frowned at the question, because Howie and Mia were obviously so in love that the possibility of the proposal failing was a ridiculous thought. It felt like from the moment the two of them met, they had been as thick as thieves. Plus, Howie had told me they'd talked about marriage before and were on the same page with where they say their relationship was heading.

I guessed this was to show that even in the most secure relationship it wasn't abnormal to have lingering fear or doubt. It was probably mean of me to think, but that made me feel better about the fears I'd been having recently with Ash. Knowing that I wasn't the only one who experienced such worry suddenly made my concerns seem less heavy.

Gently nudging his shoulder, I told him what I would have wanted to hear, "Being scared is normal. That means this is real, that what you have with Mia is real, and trust in that connection you two have."

I took a peek at Ash, not knowing if I was saying these words for my brother or for myself. I now felt so silly for all the doubts that had clouded my judgment of our future. Ash caught my gaze and nodded, as if he somehow knew and was affirming my thoughts.

I turned back to Howie and continued my statement, "Mia loves you, so I only see one way this night is ending."

That seemed to help him some as his breaths became more even. We stayed in the area for a few more minutes when Mom came rushing toward us, calling everyone to get into place, and saying it was time.

Howie paled again but took his place under the arch with a bouquet in hand. Ash and I stood off to the side with the rest of the family as we heard voices walking toward the back.

I snuck a peek at my brother, and seeing that he was as pale as a sheet, I figured I'd keep an eye on him in case he fainted. But my worry was unneeded, because as soon as Howie caught sight of Mia, the ghastly pallor was replaced with a vibrancy that lit him up. I knew it was from seeing the love of his life walking down the rose covered aisle.

Mia quickly gave an appreciative glance around the place, but then her eyes were solely focused on Howie as she made her way to him. They hugged as soon as they could reach, then Howie handed her the bouquet and fell onto one knee while presenting the ring.

He spoke of his love for her and the life they created together and hoped they could continue until their final days. Mia was nodding through the entire speech, but kept quiet while Howie finished his declaration of love before popping the question. As everyone had expected, Mia screamed out a yes.

They shared a sweet kiss, and everyone cheered and laughed as Howie dipped Mia backward to deepen the kiss.

There were lots of tears, not just from the couple, as we watched Howie slide the ring onto her finger. I hadn't even realized I'd been crying until Ash swept away the tears for me.

He pressed a gentle peck on each eyelid then down my cheek until he reached my lips. "I can't wait until that's us one day." His soft words trickled deep into my heart. I pulled back just enough to be able to see his expression.

"Us get married? Is that what you want?" I questioned him. We were far too early in the relationship to even be talking about marriage, but then I saw the clarity in Ash's eyes.

"I do," he replied easily. "Do you?"

He'd never once faltered in his feelings for me, even after all these years.

I replied with only the truth, telling him that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

I gripped his hand tighter, and vowed to myself that no matter where our future took us, I'd never let go.