11. Jay

CHAPTER 11

JAY

Over the coming days, Ash continued to take the evening class. The day after we had sex in the classroom, I couldn't stop the heat from rising to my cheeks; so much so that a few students had questioned me out of concern for my health. Even though we'd scrubbed the floors extra hard, and I'd taken my yoga mat home to wash, it was still embarrassing as hell. I must have been out of my mind to taint the sacred space.

It didn't help that during class, Ash would cast heated glances at me, as if he was seeing me naked right there in front of everyone. That was to say that while sex in the classroom never happened again, that didn't mean the sex had stopped altogether.

Ash now stayed after class to help me close, which meant I had to come up with a new and clever way to send Sam home early to carve out some alone time with Ash. This continued intimacy with Ash hadn't been part of the plan, but I had it in my head that if we kept it confined to the studio, then it could just be another form of exercise—like yoga—and nothing more.

When I told Sam to head home early tonight because I wanted to clean the studio to clear my head, he cast a knowing grin in Ash's direction and stated I was in my delusional era before leaving. He knew exactly what was happening, but at least he didn't straight out call me out for it. I took that as a win.

Ash lingered on his mat, pretending to take a longer Savasana. And how had I known it was all pretend? When I'd locked up the studio and returned to the classroom, I'd straddled his hips, hoping to surprise him. He was sitting up with his arms wrapped around me as if he'd expected it.

I'd been the one surprised when he leaned in and stole a kiss. It was chaste and had only left me wanting more, but he'd pulled back before I could deepen the kiss. A warm smile that had my heart feeling entirely too big for my chest spread across his lips.

"And what excuse did you give Sam today?" he asked, looking entirely too amused.

"Told him I wanted to clean the studio to clear my mind," I grumbled, which only made Ash laugh. Once he'd apparently had enough of laughing at my expense, he helped me to my feet and took us out of the classroom. "Where are we going?"

"Didn't you say you wanted to clean? Plus, you told me yesterday that the other two classrooms were still filled with boxes that needed clearing out. We might as well tackle that tonight," he commented, like the reason he'd stayed behind really was to help me.

I stopped in my tracks, which caused Ash to stop too. He turned back and shot me a questioning look.

"This isn't how it's supposed to work," I stated. When he continued to look lost, I added, "You're here for one thing, and you and I both know what that is."

The frustrated sigh he let out would have made me chuckle if not for the confusing mix of emotions that were currently battling to take the reins.

"And what do you think that is?"

"Sex," I stated. Then, as if to remind him—or perhaps it was to remind me—I added, "This is casual."

Maybe Sam had a point when he'd said I was being delusional about this, because nothing about being with Ash felt casual. Still, it needed to be said.

Ash sighed again, looking more exasperated now. He rubbed a hand over his face before returning his penetrating gaze to me. There was something about those dark eyes that felt like he could see right through my thoughts.

"Well, I'm casually hanging out with my friend and casually helping said friend with his business. It's all very"—he waved a hand in the air—"casual."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I can hear you patronizing me, Ashley Sanders." My grip on his tightened to show my displeasure at his words .

Did his tone annoy me? Yes. But it wasn't enough to make me release his hand.

He squeezed me right back, though I doubted he used his full strength considering I still had feeling in my limb, and I was sure his giant paw could have crushed my hand easily if he'd wanted to.

"What do you want from me, Jay? 'Cause it's killing me that you're refusing to see this for what this really is."

The hard thudding began in my chest again. This time it was so loud that it rang in my ears like drums beating, leading up to my execution. I could continue pretending like this connection between us didn't exist because we'd never really talked about it out loud, but honestly, I didn't want to cheapen our feelings.

Maybe this moment with Ash had always been inevitable. Back in high school, he'd cast fervent glances at me that I never shied away from. I thought his crush back then was cute, and sure, I was more than a little flattered to be the target of his affections, but I hadn't been ready to face his feelings back then.

As a teenager, I'd been afraid of anything permanent. There was no trauma that had made me develop a distaste for planting roots, but I'd thought I was meant for something grander. Now with the scale tipping closer to thirty, my perspective had slowly changed.

Something grander didn't need to be far from home.

And when I looked back at the man Ash had grown into, I'd become overwhelmed by the wonder of how his feelings for me had persisted into our adulthood. He never hid how he felt, and even now, his eyes only reflected me. How could I deny that?

But even if I'd come to that conclusion, that didn't erase all the obstacles that were sure to get in our way. "What about the NFL?" The question was broad, but by the furrow of his brow, I knew that he'd understood what I'd meant, but I was weary of the way his shoulders stiffened.

"Who knows what'll happen in the future? That might even be a nonissue by next year," he said, staring at the floor.

I frowned. I didn't like the way he sounded so defeated. I tugged on his hand, wanting him to look at me again. "What does that mean? Are you having trouble with your team?"

The Troopers had been on the news a few times recently with a couple of their players coming out and announcing their committed relationships, but I hadn't heard about any issues that had arisen within the team. But I got all my information from the media, which couldn't compare from getting it straight from the source.

"It's nothing." He did eventually look back up at me, but the mental wall he'd built up was clearly evident. It was a bit unnerving to see the sudden shift.

"Hey, don't do that. If we're going to be honest with one another, then you can't pick and choose what to be honest about. If we're actually going to do this, it's all or nothing," I said. My words came out before I even had time to sort out my emotions, but when it was all said and done, I knew I'd already had my answer.

I was in .

I wanted to be committed. With him. And the commitment of that didn't scare me as much as I thought it would, because Ash was more than grand. It was something I'd known even when he was a scrawny kid kicking the asses of dudes twice his size on the field in high school.

Now, I just had to hope that Ash's crush was anything but casual , and that he would let me in.

I could see the internal struggle inside of him, as if he was deciding how much he wanted to tell me. I wanted to shake him and make him spill all of his secrets, but I knew that was something that couldn't be forced. Besides, truths told willingly were so much more meaningful than ones that had been forced out.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long. Ash pulled me to sit on one of the benches we had lining wall across from the reception desk. Our knees gently clanged together, but neither of us moved to put space between us.

"I'm just feeling a little lost right now," he started with a heavy sigh that told me how much these thoughts had been plaguing him. "Sometimes I wonder if the NFL is where I'm supposed to be. I don't have what it takes, and I don't know if I have the drive to keep chugging at it."

My hand was in his lap. His gaze was lowered to it as he played with my fingers, as if he was able to find some comfort within them. I raised my free hand and cupped his cheek so that our eyes met.

"Is this why you were acting strange the other day, too?" I asked, and he nodded. We'd gotten so caught up in the moment back then, and after, I'd never found the right time to ask what was on his mind. But now I could see that this was something that'd been bothering him for a while, and I was glad he was opening up to me about it.

"I can't say if the NFL is where you should be at or not, but I can say that you definitely have what it takes. I've watched you play, maybe not in person, but every single game that's been aired, I've seen. You play hard and give it your all when you're on the field. Sure, you have your off days, but who doesn't? But even on those days, I can see the drive you have, the fight you put out to give every part of yourself to your team. And the one thing I'm absolutely certain about is your love for the game. It's always been there and has never changed since the day I met you, so what's there to question?"

I didn't know if that was the correct thing to say to comfort him, but his shoulders relaxed just a bit. He flashed me his boyish smile, genuine and bright. It was like a shot that went straight to my heart. His handsomeness was something that had never gone unnoticed by me.

"You know, when you put it like that, you make it sound so simple. I love football and give it my all, so I should just continue doing what I'm doing," he said with a laugh, and I laughed along with him.

"I mean, why not? Doesn't it make sense to keep going until you get bored of it? Not that I'm saying you'll get bored of the NFL, but maybe that's not your only path. There're options, ya know?"

The smile disappeared from his lips again. "I always thought there was one direction, that my dream of football could only lead me to going pro, and it was only recently that I started questioning if that really was where my dream lay. Don't get me wrong, I owe so much to the league and my team—my life would be drastically different without them—but I can't lie and say I don't miss just playing around with the boys or tossing the ball back and forth with my dad."

He fell silent again, and I took his hand in comfort. Ash and I had met right after his father passed. Our high school wasn't small, but the gossip mill seemed to have worked overtime to dig out every student's secret, which meant that rumors of Ash losing a parent had quickly started soon after the school year had.

I remember heading to wait on the bleachers one day after practice and saw a scrawny boy just standing in the middle of the field holding a football. Everyone else had already left for the lockers, but he hadn't moved a muscle. I felt bad for him. The poor boy couldn't even grieve in peace without everyone around him shooting him looks of pity. I'd hate that if that had ever happened to me, so I swore to treat him like anybody else if we'd ever interacted. This was all before he and Howie had become best friends, so in my teen head, I thought he'd remain just another student who attended the same high school as I had, and that was that.

Boy, had I been wrong.

Ash turned to me, a soft look in his eyes as he said, "You know you're one of the reasons I continued with the game after my dad passed."

He chuckled at what must have been utter shock and disbelief on my face, because I didn't remember doing or saying anything back then that could have made such an impactful decision in his life. I was just a kid back then too, so I was more likely to put my foot in my mouth, if anything.

"It's true. I remember it as clearly as the day it had happened. We were sitting on the bleachers just like this," he said, leaning back on the bench as if he was reliving the moment. "I was just a child and hadn't known better when you—the older, more mature teen—lured me there after practice."

"I did no such thing! You make it sound like I was trying to do something nefarious," I said, giving him a light smack on his shoulder, which only caused him to laugh harder.

"Actually, it's the exact opposite. You saw me out on the field even though everyone else had already left. You were probably waiting on the bleachers for Howie to get changed, but you saw me and called me over. You even offered up your favorite candy to me. "

I squinted at him as the memory came back to me, laughing when I realized we'd somehow been reminiscing about the same day. I tapped my chin with my forefinger in thought. "That's not how I remember it. I called out to you to join me on the bleachers, where we sat in silence for what had felt like forever, before your stomach completely took over the situation with how loud it was grumbling. I was practically forced to sacrifice my beloved Sour Patch Kids to you," I teased.

His eyes crinkled with amusement. "You still gave them to me, didn't you? And you even threw in some pity praise while you fed me."

"Pity praise?"

"Yeah, you know, ‘ You killed it out there, Ash. A natural born football player !'" His voice scrunched up an octave higher, as if to intimate aprepubescent boy. This part I had no recollection of, and his poor imitation hadn't helped to jostle my memory either, but I could see myself babbling whatever nonsense if I'd felt awkward.

"Hey, don't forget that I'm two years older than you. If anything, that's what you sounded like back then," I grumbled with another smack to his shoulder. He grabbed my hand before I could retreat and placed a gentle kiss to the back of it all while never breaking eye contact with me.

I'd always thought his crush on me started because I was the mysterious older brother of his best friend, or hell, maybe he liked the way I looked, but as I looked into his steadfast eyes, they told me I'd been entirely wrong.

I'd had my fair share of crushes over the years that had developed from someone's appearance. But now that he was sharing the moment when his feelings had started, I was learning that his crush wasn't as frivolous as I thought.

Even though I'd decided to give this thing a real shot, the realization of such heavy emotions should have felt like a burden. It was another thing that would chain me down to this city. Instead, his gaze brought warmth that gathered in the pit of my stomach. The weight of these emotions only served to solidify the growing affections I had for him.