10. Ash
CHAPTER 10
ASH
I contemplated skipping class tonight, but I'd had enough of being a disappointment for the day. Plus, the evening class was always booked up, and I felt bad for ditching when I'd managed to nab one of the precious spots.
But considering all the thoughts that were swirling inside my head, I wasn't really good company, so instead of heading in early to chat with Jay like I usually did, I waited inside my car until the very last minute.
Jay shot me a questioning gaze when I took my usual spot near the left mirror, but he didn't have a chance to ask before jumping right into the opening meditation. Whoever said meditating was good for the soul probably never had a single worry in their life, because I spent the entire five minutes with bouncing thoughts that led nowhere good.
I fumbled through the entire class, causing Jay to shoot me worried glances the entire time. Hell, I was so distracted that I would have plopped flat on my face while attempting the Tree Pose if Jay hadn't been nearby and basically used his entire body to keep me upright. Somehow, I was able to keep from falling for the rest of the class, even if my poses had been sloppy. My heart wasn't in today's practice, but that was to be expected after the hard truth that I'd been forced to face.
My future and my career were on the metaphorical chopping board, because the last thing the Troopers needed was a tackle whose mind was off the field. They might have overlooked my previous failures, but I couldn't continue like this going into the next season. Something had to give.
Class ended with my body feeling heavier when it was usually the opposite. I wasn't grounded. Even during Savasana, my mind was running a thousand miles an hour. I barely registered when Jay came by to push down our shoulders like he did at the end of every class. It felt nice, but that wasn't enough to break through the mental struggles that I was currently juggling. Hell, I hadn't even registered Jay announcing that class was over.
When I opened my eyes again, I was the only person left lying there. I quickly put the items I'd used and my yoga mat away before leaving the dark room. Jay was waiting behind the register as usual, alone today. He glanced up when I went into the receptionist area, a smile on his face with a tinge of worry as well.
I couldn't handle seeing another person looking at me like there was something wrong with me, not when I felt like their gazes only reflected the truth of my inabilities.
I called out a quick goodnight, hoping to slip out and retreat to my own solitude. Jay called out my name, but I didn't respond. That didn't stop him, though. Before I could reach the front door, he'd crossed the front desk and grabbed me by the forearm.
"Ash, wait. Is something the matter?" I chanced a glance at his face but quickly averted it when I saw the look of concern had only grown.
It was moments like these that I truly realized how exhausting other people's gazes were, especially when there were millions of eyes on me—even if it was through the screen. I had to take care of my play, my image. I couldn't do certain things or date who I wanted. I couldn't be…me.
Though, I wondered if I even still knew who I was after pushing everything aside to strive for a goal that had never been mine to begin with.
I sighed, putting up the mask that I'd grown so used to claiming to be mine, and shot Jay a reassuring smile. "S'all good. Just tired from the hard class."
He studied my face, probably looking for any cracks in my expression, not that he'd find any. The Troopers made sure every single player on the team had media training to counter the vultures that they were. I hadn't understood the need back then, as Coach and Addy usually did most of the talking to them and all the rest of us had to do was stand there and look pretty.
Jay might say I have a shitty poker face, but I'd never really had to hide anything from him—I'd never actually tried to hide my crush on him, so that didn't count—now, I would put my media training to use.
Jay furrowed his brow and his grip on me didn't loosen. "Are you mad at me?"
"What? No!" I blurted out. I had no reason to be mad at him, and it was the last thing I wanted him to think. This was entirely a me problem that I had to figure out and deal with. But my denial didn't soothe him like I thought it would.
He dropped my arm, muttering curses under his breath. I wanted to reach out to him, hold his hand, and reassure him that everything was okay. I stayed frozen in place instead.
"I knew it would complicate things and mess everything up. Fuck, I was so naive to think it would all work out," he said with a sigh of frustration, his head tilted toward the ceiling.
"Wait, what are you?—"
Jay fixed his gaze back on me. "Look, I know you regret what happened, but can we?—"
I clasped both of his shoulders before he could finish the sentence. "I think there's a misunderstanding here."
My words had him looking up to meet my eyes. They were still narrowed as he slowly said, "I know. "
"Do you really?" I asked, because I had a feeling we still weren't on the same wavelength.
His brow furrowed even tighter. "Yes, of course. You regret what happened the other night. It was a mistake."
I stared him straight in the eye to convey how much I meant my next words. "I have absolutely no regrets about anything that happened at your place. I could never regret being with you. Tell me you understand that?"
"I understand." His body softened underneath my hand. There was a gentle look in his eyes as he whispered, "I don't regret it either."
I smiled for the first time since leaving Mom's house. It pleased me to know that this was at least one thing that I hadn't failed at.
"Good," I replied, dropping my hands from his shoulders. Now that we'd cleared up that misunderstanding, it didn't seem appropriate to keep touching him. We'd established that neither of us regretted the other night but not much besides that.
What I hadn't expected was Jay to reach out to grab my hand again and hold on tight, almost as if he hated for me to leave. His long, elegant fingers weaved through my bulkier, crooked ones. The contrast between them showed just how different the trajectory of our lives were, and yet we'd somehow still ended up in this same space. Together.
I didn't know who moved first—him or me—but before I'd realized it, our faces were inches apart from each other. I could feel his hot breath against my lips, breaking the last inch of restraint I had.
Our lips found each other, guided by the desire that had persisted since the night we'd slept together. Our bodies melded together, but through it all, his hand never released mine through this sweet tango.
The kiss was nothing like I thought it would be: hard, lust-filled with desire, and desperate. Instead, it was more comforting than anything else, but that didn't stop the fire that quickly built up from the taste of him.
"Fuck," he muttered, pulling back just enough so our lips weren't touching. Our noses rubbed together as his ragged breath tickled my skin. I leaned in for another kiss, but he drew back and let out another curse. "Give me a second."
Jay still didn't release my hand, instead dragging me with him to lock the front door. It was only then that I remembered we were standing in front of the large windows, in plain sight for anyone to see.
I'd never been this careless before, especially not after the lessons the Troopers' media team had drilled into us about being careful about our private lives. There was a slim chance paparazzi were following me around, but the possibility was always there.
"Is everything okay? You're squeezing my hand kinda tight." Jay's comment had me unconsciously loosening my hold on him, but my hand still stayed captive in his. His eyes fell on me, cautious but dark with the same desire that stirred inside of me every time Jay was near.
I might be second-guessing a lot in my life right now, with football and my future, but there was one thing I knew without a single doubt—I didn't care if the whole world had just witnessed me and Jay kissing. In fact, the idea of people seeing us together, knowing that he was mine, excited me.
God, did I want to claim him in front of everyone?
"Just wondering when you're gonna put your yoga skills to use," I replied with a teasing grin.
The smile he returned was divinely wicked. "Come with me." His words came out in a sinfully sexy purr that had me following him like a lost puppy. I didn't even question when he took me back to the classroom where classes were held. There were more than a few doors inside the studio I hadn't gone into yet, but every class we had so far had been in this one.
As soon as the door was closed, Jay turned to me and started tearing our shoes and clothes off. We were completely naked inside the room of mirrors that showed all angles of us in our birthday suit. I could see Jay in his naked glory from all angles all at once, which, frankly, was hotter than I'd expected it to be.
"Is this the reason you had mirrors installed inside the entire room? The better to see with?" I joked. He laughed and grabbed his personal yoga mat from the front of the room and unrolled it.
"Get on your knees," he ordered. I obeyed, curious to see what he had planned. He stood over me, facing away, and his feet spread apart on either side of my thighs. Before I could ask what was happening, he bent over at the waist in a forward fold. His pretty hole was completely exposed and perfectly positioned in front of my mouth, causing me to drool at the delicious sight. My already hard cock stood taller at attention.
"There's no lube in the studio, so you better get to work opening me up," he said while upside down. He shot me a quick smirk from between his legs, his eyes sparkling with glee. Without another word, he bent lower until his mouth sucked down my entire length in one shot. I groaned at the sudden action, completely caught off guard by the way how, in this position, my dick slid perfectly down his throat until his nose was pushing against my balls. All I could do was hold on to the back of his legs and enjoy the sexy view.
Deep-throating would never be the same again.
"Less staring and more doing," he ordered, breaking me out of my trance of watching his upside-down blowjob.
"Aye aye, sir."
One of the perks of this position was that I didn't need to hold his ass cheeks open to get to my prize. His legs already did all the work for me, and all I needed to do was focus on my task.
Jay visibly shivered at the first lick. I worried he would stumble from this position, but he stood firm as he returned to my cock. The competitive side in me rose up, wanting to give back the pleasure he'd given me tenfold. I didn't hold back and used my hands and mouth until he was relaxed around my tongue.
It was messy, spit everywhere as the last of my composure broke. His deep, musky flavor was working me up even more, and the mirrors weren't helping, either. It was like watching a live porn video from all angles. By the time I got Jay used to three fingers, I was ready to blow.
"Want inside you," I said, my words coming out in hard huffs.
Jay seemed to have the same idea in mind. "On your feet," he commanded before climbing his hands up further to the top of the mat to a pose that I'd gotten very familiar with this past week. His Downward Dog was nothing like my clumsy one, and I had no doubt that the pose wouldn't collapse no matter how hard I plowed his hole. I was going to put that theory to the test now.
My hands rested on his round ass as I lined myself up. Jay glanced over his shoulder to look at me. He didn't need to voice out the command that was clearly conveyed on his face. Our eyes stayed locked onto each other as I slowly pushed in, inch by delicious inch.
We both let out a contented sigh when I was balls deep inside of him. I'd never felt anything this good before. I was far from a virgin, but Jay was the first person I'd trusted enough to go completely bare with. And the fact he'd trusted me enough to do the same made the experience so much more pleasurable than with any of my previous partners.
Not to mention this pose. Similar to doggy style, but with my feet planted firmly on the ground, I had greater control, which I used to my full advantage, thrusting into him hard until he was babbling and crying out. My hand ran along his smooth back, up along his spine, and down again to wrap around his waist.
The position was a nice new experience, but I wanted to feel our skin pressed together. We were in sync, Jay seeming to have understood what I wanted as I used my hands to guide him upright. I was pleasantly surprised that the maneuver hadn't caused us to tumble, but I'd gotten what I wanted.
His back was pasted against my front. His hands lifted behind him to clasp around my head as his own head twisted to meet my lips. I was done the moment our tongues molded together, moaning into his mouth as I came hard inside of him. In the midst of my orgasm, I didn't forget about Jay and jerked him off until he spurted his pleasure all over my hand.
Our breathing was heavy, our lips barely moving against each other, but still connected as we calmed down from the orgasms. A few seconds later, we found ourselves flat on the floor. I was still panting as I turned to my side to look at Jay. His usually fluffy hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat. I used the hand that wasn't stained with cum to push his hair out of his face before leaning in again for one last kiss.
"I'm never going to look at Downward Dog the same," I said when the kiss ended.
Jay's melodic laugh filled my ears as I basked in this perfect moment. There was so much doubt about my future, but I knew I wanted countless more moments like this. And I wanted them with Jay.