CHAPTER TWELVE

IPAUSE, holding Lukas as Talia regards the jet even more warily the nearer we get to it.

‘Is it big enough to get us all the way?' she asks, drawing in a shuddering breath.

‘I promise I'll get you all the way,' I mutter with a smirk. Yes, I'm all but waggling my eyebrows with the innuendo. I can't help myself.

She looks at me and the colour rises in her cheeks.

Yeah. I've spent the morning right beside her. Touching her. I've been inhaling her scent and feeling the warmth of her soft skin and all I want is to strip her and stroke her until she's slippery and supple and hot enough to take all of me again. I still want her and I can't hide it. The way she melted against me earlier tells me she's the same. That part of the pretence in front of Ava was no pretence at all. She still wants me too. But the complications—Lukas's well-being—are too much.

‘I meant is it big enough to get us all the way to Australia?' she clarifies primly.

‘It got me here.' I smile. ‘You don't feel safe?'

‘I never feel safe. Not entirely. I don't think it's possible to.'

My gut clenches. She's spent her life worrying the rug was about to be tugged from beneath her and it seems it happened time and time again. So no wonder she fights for control and is so determined to do everything herself. She's always had to. She never lets other people help—or not much at any rate, which infuriates me, even though I've learned she's been let down by the people she should have been able to trust most. Her parents. And that's something I can well understand.

‘It's worse now Lukas is here.' She glances at the plane again. ‘I'm horribly overprotective.'

Yeah, I know the feeling. ‘I guess that's pretty normal,' I mutter as I glance down at him in my arms. ‘He's utterly defenceless. He doesn't just need protection, he needs everything. He's completely reliant on you for survival.'

‘On us,' she says softly.

Right. I have to pause for a moment as warmth bursts in my chest as if a damned firework's been ignited in there. That's the first indicator from her that we're a team and in this together. And even though she's the one who's prevented this, that she now acknowledges it brings a burn of satisfaction to me.

We board and strap in. There's a cot for Lukas but for take-off I place him in her lap and she uses a baby belt that's attached to hers. Despite what she's acknowledged, I know better than to offer to take him for this moment. I know she can't give him over to me yet. But I can be there for them both. Her face pales but I suspect that it's not just the flight bothering her but the enormity of this action. I don't dismiss how hard this has to be for her.

Once we're settled I reach across and take her hand in mine. She closes her eyes but doesn't pull away. I know she doesn't want to need me, but that she takes my touch soothes something inside me. I can't resist leaning closer on the pretext of looking at Lukas. Although I want to look at him too. As the plane accelerates down the runway her hand twists and she holds me back. Tightly. An electrical pulse charges between us and the only response I'm capable of is to hold her even more tightly. A shiver runs through her and she opens her eyes and looks straight into mine. Hers are an even deeper brown than usual and I don't think that emotion is fear.

It takes everything not to lean in and kiss her. Yet despite that keen frustration victory hums in my veins. Our physical compatibility is undeniable and right now I feel like a damned saint. I've been living like a monk for months. So not me. I work hard. I like reward. I like knowing I can get what I want. Her smile is what I want and her body is next on the menu.

Except it can't be. There's Lukas. There's all this complication.

I release my seat belt as soon as we've levelled out, and pull together a snack plate for her. Keeping myself busy is the only way I can get through this.

I take Lukas from her and settle him into the cot that's been installed in the plane. The cabin door is locked. I told the flight crew not to disturb us when we first boarded. I pass her the papers I printed early this morning before leaving the holiday home in Queenstown.

‘Will you look through these résumés and let me know if you have a preference?' I ask. ‘I'll arrange interviews for the top three as soon as we land.'

She looks confused. ‘For what position?'

‘I have a cleaner and a team who come and look after the grounds as well as a chef who's onsite for some of the week and leaves meals for the weekends. But this is the first nanny I've had to employ and I assumed you'd want to have input into that decision.'

‘You want Lukas to have a nanny?' She's arctic and there's no way she'd take my hand now.

But I expected a spiky response from Ms I-Don't-Need-Anything-From-Anyone.

‘You worked right through your pregnancy and continued the moment you left hospital after giving birth,' I point out calmly. ‘You need a break. Lukas needs you to have a break. To sleep.'

‘I don't need a break.'

‘The dark circles under your eyes tell a different story.'

Her back straightens. Yep, just made her spikier. Too bad.

‘The nanny isn't making any major parenting decisions.' I aim to inject a little levity. ‘It's enough that the two of us will probably debate them intensely. I've no doubt we'll overthink our way around all sides of any issue and won't need any outside interference to make it worse.'

She shoots me a look but to my pleasure she can't hold her smile for long. She actually chuckles. ‘I don't want to disagree with you.'

‘Then don't,' I reply, as if it's the most obvious answer ever. But I feel a ridiculous level of relief and I smile back at her. ‘You can't do it all by yourself, all of the time. You don't have to. Not any more. You can share the load.'

‘Like you do?'

‘I have plenty of people who support me—I just told you only a few of my home team. So let's get a nanny to tend to him for the late night feed. Just that one. We'll see how it goes and then assess. Okay?'

She doesn't actually know I'm being uncharacteristically reasonable here so she can't appreciate my effort in that regard.

‘Okay,' she mumbles. ‘Thank you.'

I can't resist teasing her more so I lean really close. ‘Pardon? I didn't quite catch that.'

‘Thank you.' But there's a defiant gleam in her eye as if giving me thanks is the last thing she wants to do.

And yeah, it's the last thing I want from her. I do want her time and attention. Her company. But somehow that has to be separate from all this and I can't see how that's possible so I pull back.

The flight drags. She reads every résumé cover to cover and puts them in an ordered pile of preference. Then she plays on her phone. I'm actually fidgeting because I want to talk to her but at the same time I want to control that urge. Just to prove to myself that I can. She suddenly reaches over and offers her phone. The screen is unlocked and there's a photo of Lukas in front of me.

‘I thought...' She shrugs and worries her lip somewhat helplessly. ‘I don't know if you want to see them but, if you flick through, there's every photo or little film I have of Lukas since he was born.'

Speechless, I take the phone from her and stare hungrily at the screen. I don't know how much time passes as I absorb every image, every small video, every glimpse into his little life thus far. He's only three months old but she has a hundred pictures of him and every last one is stunning. Maybe it's her social media work but the woman can construct a frame. Maybe it's that her subject is so completely perfect. He's so beautiful. Yeah, I'm smitten with him. I never imagined I could feel so much for something—someone—so small. I slowly scroll backwards through the pictures and at one I draw a sharp breath. It doesn't show Lukas. It's Talia. A very heavily pregnant Talia.

Talia glances across and leans over to see which picture has me so floored.

‘Oh.' Her cheeks redden. ‘Romy took some. She said I needed to record the pregnancy because it goes fast. So I posed a few times.'

She's looking embarrassed in the photo and even more embarrassed now. My heart pounds. I swipe back one more.

‘Oh!' She gasps. The colour in her face instantly intensifies. ‘That's terrible,' she babbles. ‘I forgot it was there. I didn't mean...'

I don't let her take the phone back. It's a bathroom selfie. She's wearing a bra and panties and nothing else. She has to be almost at full term. She's so beautiful my heart basically bursts.

I just stare at it. At her. Raw yearning overwhelms me. ‘I missed your entire pregnancy,' I mutter between gritted teeth. ‘I never got to see you...not once...'

Not that night in the gondola cabin either. It was too dark. There were only glimpses of perfection when lightning lit the sky. And right now I'm almost overcome by the urge to tumble her to the floor and impregnate her again here and now and then chain her to me so I don't miss another damned second of it. Yeah. Shocking.

I don't, of course. But I do tap the phone and flag all the photos I've just been looking at.

‘What are you doing?' she mumbles.

‘I want a copy of them,' I almost growl as I pull out my own phone and wirelessly transfer the files. ‘Okay?'

I'm too gruff and it's not really a question because I really don't want her to say no. And for a guy who—I fully admit—is fully paranoid about other people having photos of me, it's rough of me to just send copies of these direct to my phone.

‘Even those ones?'

Yeah. The ones of her. I nod jerkily. There's silence and I slowly look up. I have to look her in the eyes to check I have her consent. Her bloody beautiful deep brown eyes snare me. I just drown in them. She's still for a while, not saying anything while she reads who knows what in my own tense expression.

‘Okay,' she says softly.

I swallow and make myself build some humanity. ‘Tell me about his birth,' I croak. ‘Was it okay?'

She hesitates and now her gaze skitters from mine. ‘I don't remember a lot of it.'

Liar. She's holding back from me. And suddenly I'm furious with her. I want to find out more. Disappointment merges with challenge. I want the entire truth from her. And that's when I accept I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it.