Chapter 63

Chapter Sixty-Three

Maddy

E mma was curled against Liam's side while holding Liv's hand, and I clung to Zak as he held me tight in his lap.

"Do you need anything?" he whispered, stroking my hair.

"No, thank you." I swallowed back the sob that was constantly on the edge of breaking out of my chest.

We were all devastated. It felt like that we'd cried so much that there were no more tears to shed. It was like we were all in limbo, without any clue what to do or say. We hadn't even spoken about her. Not mentioned her name or what happened, we'd simply sat in a state of disbelief and grief.

Then Liv suddenly spoke, breaking the silence. "You know, we actually need Ana here."

I gasped and lifted my head from Zak's chest. "What?"

"We need Ana. She would break this awful, shitty silence. She would be talking about what happened and saying how fucking stupid she was for going over the track when we know you just don't do that. She'd be talking non-stop and telling us that we should just get pissed and deal with it."

I narrowed my eyes on her. "But she isn't, Liv, is she?"

As my body tensed, one of Zak's hands smoothed up and down my thigh, while his other moved in between my shoulder blades. His touch would normally calm me, but all it did was add to my irritation as I stared at Liv.

"Liv, how can you be so insensitive?"

"I think she's?—"

"No, Zak." I didn't even look at him. "What she said is wrong. She can't talk about Ana like that."

"Maddy." Emma sat up and pushed away from Liam. With one hand still tethered to Liv, she reached for me with her other one. "What Liv says is right; you know it is. Ana would be the one doing all the talking and encouraging us to as well. You know she would."

"Doesn't mean we should say that, though." My chest felt tight as I thought about my best friend. "It's disrespectful. It's not right. She's not here and…" I started to breathe heavily as pressure built up inside me, culminating in a huge ball of sorrow in my throat.

"Hey, babe, take a deep breath," Zak coaxed.

I shrugged him off and stood up. "And you don't care either." I swung around to face him. "You were the one who told me to leave her. "You said she'd be okay, and, and—" my hands clenched into fists as I produced more tears from somewhere— "and she wasn't, Zak. She fucking died." Zak's expression looked like I'd accused him of killing Ana. His face had lost all its colour as he sagged back, dropping his hands either side of his thighs.

"Maddy," Liam snapped. "There's no need."

I couldn't even look at him. I didn't want to look at him or anyone else, all I wanted to do was talk to Ana. To find out that it had all be a huge mistake. That they'd got the wrong person.

"Mads," Emma said tentatively.

I didn't wait to hear what else she had to say because there was too much anger inside of me. If I stayed, I'd say something that I could never take back. Something that I might regret for the rest of my life.

Kicking Liam's outstretched leg as I stormed past him, I wrenched the door open and strode into the hall. I looked towards the kitchen, where my dad and Maya were sitting at the kitchen table. They were both nursing mugs, their eyes pinned to me.

"You okay, sweetheart?" Dad asked, already half the way out of chair.

Staring at him I shook my head. "No. I'm not," I sobbed. "I'll never be okay again. My best friend has been killed by a fucking train, so how can I be okay?"

In my periphery I saw Zak appear in the doorway, holding onto the wooden frame. When I looked at him, his gaze was on my dad, but he quickly looked back at me, his eyes pleading. I couldn't give him what he wanted, though. I couldn't say it was okay and that I didn't blame him. That even if I'd gone after her, she would have stormed off and still taken the short cut. I mean I knew that was a possibility because of how she'd been behaving the last few weeks, but I wanted to believe that I could have done more, that I could have saved her life.

"I just want to be on my own," I told whoever was listening.

"Babe—"

I didn't answer him but turned and ran up the stair, slamming my bedroom door behind me, wanting to close myself off from everyone.

Will

As I heard Maddy's bedroom door slam, I saw Zak flinch in the doorway to the living room. His gaze dropped to the floor, and his whole body slumped against the doorframe.

I pushed my chair back and moved towards him, giving Maya's shoulder a gentle squeeze as I passed her.

"What happened?" I asked Zak as I stood in front of him.

There were muffled whispers from the living room as he thrust his hands deep into his jeans' pockets. His whole demeanour was of someone in pain, someone who'd just been hurt by the person he cared about the most. His chest heaved, and he made a quiet groaning noise from the back of his throat.

"She blames me," he said so quietly I almost missed it. "She said that I should have let her go after Ana."

Placing a hand on his shoulder, I gave him a shake. "Zak, look at me."

Slowly, he lifted his head to show me blue eyes filled with sadness. He took a deep breath. "She was being so awful, Will. I didn't want her to upset Maddy more than she already had."

"This is not your fault. Maddy is lashing out because she has no idea how to deal." I cupped the back of his head, forcing him to look at me. "It's a fucking awful tragedy and if Mads had gone after her, we may have been suffering her loss as well today."

Maddy would no doubt have tried to persuade Ana against going over the track, but who was to say she would have succeeded? Besides, the poor kid standing in front of me didn't need to know that.

"We looked for her, but she'd already disappeared," he said, his throat bobbing. "You can ask Liam."

"Hey, hey, I know you did. None of you could have known what was going to happen."

Liam appeared behind Zak and placed a hand on his back. "Will's right, mate. It's no one's fault. She knew not to take that short cut, especially not at night."

Zak glanced at my best friend's son, but his expression remained black and full of hurt at my daughter's words. "Maybe we should have?—"

"Zak, no," Maya said, coming up to stand next to me. "Do not think about the what-if's. It won't change anything. Maddy is just lashing out because she's grieving. She has a whole host of emotions rushing around her body and her head; she doesn't know how to deal with them, so anger has come out on top. She can't be angry at Ana, so you're the one in the firing line."

His face crumpled momentarily, but he quickly inhaled and schooled his features and turned to Liam.

"We did search for her, didn't we?"

"You know we did." Liam looked to me, and I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. These kids shouldn't have to be dealing with something so tragic at their age. No wonder they had no fucking clue how to express themselves.

"Why don't you all go back in there," I suggested. "We can order some food and then I'll see if I can persuade Maddy to come back down." I doubted that I would, she could be stubborn when she wanted to be.

Maya rubbed Zak's bicep. "It might be a good idea for you all to be together and talk about her. It might help a little."

"Is it okay if Mum, Dad and Darcy come round?" Liam asked. "They'll just worry about me otherwise."

I smiled because he couldn't admit he needed his parents, and if I knew Liam, especially a hug from his mum.

"Yeah, sure. Give them a call." I turned to Maya. "If I give you my card can you order some pizzas or something?"

She nodded. "Yes, but I don't need your card. I'll sort it." Then she leaned in and gave me a quick kiss to the lips. "Go and speak to Maddy."

Shit, I had no idea what I'd done to deserve her, but whatever it was I was glad I'd done it. She was clearly in pain and probably desperate to sleep for a little while, but my daughter and a bunch of kids she barely knew were her priority, and I didn't think I could love her more.

"I'll go and see how she is," I told them and then slowly made my way up the stairs, wondering how I was going to help my little girl because I couldn't stand to see her with a broken heart, and I would do whatever it took to heal it for her, even if it meant sitting for hours holding her hand.