Chapter 30

CHAPTER THIRTY

H utton

If Christmas break in Snowhaven hadn't been enough to uncork the lyrics and melodies stuck inside my head, watching the heartbreaking moment when my son cried in Rae's arms saying goodbye would have fostered a thousand new songs. Each more pitiful and sad than the next.

Henry cried quietly in the back of the truck the whole way out of Snowhaven. His sniffles just about ripped my heart apart. I tried to console him, but he ignored me, which I kind of understood. I was the asshole removing him from a place he wanted to stay. A place he thrived in. My foot quivered on the gas, as if my own body wanted to betray me and hit the brakes before I left the town limits. But I pushed through, hitting the open highway right about the time Henry nodded off to sleep, tearstained cheeks a haunting image in my rearview mirror.

"Fuck," I mutter to myself. I keep inhaling through my nose, savoring Rae's scent that still clings to me. I can almost convince myself that I'll be right back at her place tonight to sink into her arms.

I came to Snowhaven a stressed-out, disheartened mess, needing time with my son and to figure some things out professionally. I'm leaving Snowhaven in an even bigger mess. I'm not disheartened with my career, I'm brokenhearted over my personal life.

That's what this is. This ache in my chest, like a one-ton elephant is sitting on it, ready to snap my ribs if I inhale too deeply. I've heard enough songs—hell, I've even recorded some—about heartbreak. I finally get it. The divorce from Holly didn't feel like this. That was irritation and uncertainty, but not heartbreak. This feels like I want to crawl into the back seat with Henry and join him for a good cry.

I check traffic around me and see that the road is pretty open. Not a lot of people are driving across state lines the day after Christmas. They're all still snug in their houses with their loved ones. I pick up my phone and attempt to go to my contacts to call Mom, but my phone rings, Dom's name at the top of the screen.

I sigh, wondering if I'm capable of dealing with him in this condition, but decide I have no choice. If the travel day goes well, I'll be seeing him late tonight anyway.

"Hello?" I answer, speaking through the Bluetooth speakers.

"Jesus!" Dom explodes. "You're harder to get ahold of than the goddamn Pope on Christmas!"

"Lower your voice, Dom. Little ears are sleeping."

He sighs, but complies, his voice now an annoying whisper. "Sorry. Just surprised you're alive." When I don't respond and tell him everything I've been up to the last few weeks, he carries on. "I've got the studio execs chomping at the bit for?—"

"Hey, Dom?" I interrupt. I can't fucking do this. Can't get air into my lungs and I certainly can't focus on work stuff right now. "I'll be dropping Henry off at Holly's tonight and then checking into the hotel you sent over. I'll text you when I get in, okay?"

"Sure, but?—"

"Later, Dom. Not now."

His sigh is loud enough to have me wincing and glancing in my mirror to see if he woke up Henry. "I don't know what's going on with you, Hutton, but I hope it's worth it. I'll see you tonight."

He hangs up on me, which he's never done before. I guess I've found the limits of what my agent will put up with. My hands tighten on the steering wheel. I can't deal with him right now. I have to figure out what the fuck I'm doing.

And I've got about eight hundred miles to mull it over.

Holly is not happy to see me so late. She answers her door in a see-through robe that makes me feel uncomfortable. Henry clings to my neck as we stand on her doorstep. Holly rolls her eyes and reaches for him. I give him a pat on the back and reassurances as I set his suitcase and backpack inside the doorway.

"I'll see you very soon. Okay, buddy?"

Henry's eyes well with tears as he stares back at me. My heart feels raw inside my chest. He didn't talk much on the drive back to Los Angeles, which has me worried. Holly looks like his heavy weight in her arms is cramping her style. Not that being practically nude while answering the door is a style.

"Can I call you tomorrow, Holly?" Her eyes narrow. "There's some scheduling things I want to discuss."

"I have a photoshoot tomorrow, which is why this drop-off being so late is not convenient. I can take a call when I'm done, say, six tomorrow evening." It's a statement, not a question.

"Where will Henry be?"

She huffs and settles him higher on her hip. "With the nanny."

"You found a new nanny?"

Her twice-re-done nose lifts in the air. "That's none of your business. He'll be taken care of, don't worry."

I nod, even though I want to scream and shout that our son shouldn't be raised by random nannies. How could I have been so stupid? So blind? I let my career take over my life and left my son with a woman who didn't even want to be a mother. I should have done better. I should have retired and turned my sole focus on Henry the moment he was born.

Stepping off her doorstep, I make eye contact one more time with Henry. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I love you, son."

He takes his knuckle out of his mouth long enough to whisper something back. "Wuv you too, Daddy."

Holly slams the door shut. I stand there a few minutes longer, feeling stuck. Everything in me tells me not to leave without my son. Just like every cell in my body told me not to leave Rae early this morning. The buzzing of my phone in the back pocket of my jeans is the only thing that gets my feet moving to my truck. I ignore all the texts from Dom until I get to the hotel he booked in the fanciest part of the city. He's at my door before I even get the damn truck in park in the valet line.

I give myself one more inhale to remember all the joy I felt with Rae and Henry in Snowhaven, and then I act like the big boy I know I have to be, and push my door open. This is the life I created for myself and I can't keep running from it.

Dom doesn't waste a second, hitting me with a long to-do list that has to be completed before I can let my head hit the pillow. A guy in a hotel logo polo takes my keys and Dom slips him some money without missing a beat. We walk into the hotel and straight to the elevators, because Dom has already checked me in like usual.

That was something I thought about during the drive down to Los Angeles. I'm so used to people around me doing things for me that somewhere in the years I've been singing, I abdicated my entire life to other people. Dom books things and tells me where to go. My label tells me what songs to sing, and I don't question them. My fans scream for more and I bend myself over backwards to keep giving it to them. Year after year after year.

Dom flashes the key card outside the door on the top floor of the hotel and pushes it open. The hotel suite is gorgeous. And exactly like every other hotel I've ever been in. No matter what flowers or amenities they add, it's not home. It doesn't have that same feeling that Rae's place has. You can literally feel the warmth and caring when you step over Rae's threshold. This hotel is just a cold, empty place to rest my head for a night, yet that's the only place I've been living the last two decades. Hotels have become my home.

And I'm fucking done with it.

Dom hasn't taken a breath yet and somewhere in there I know that I have a meeting first thing tomorrow with the record executives and then a booth reserved to record my latest song. A meeting with lawyers and the ad agency is also on the agenda. I'm tired just thinking about tomorrow.

"Dom," I interrupt him yet again. His gaze snaps to mine, his hair perfectly coifed on top of his head even though it's past midnight. Even his suit lacks a single solitary wrinkle. I'm back in the land of pretty people and even prettier possessions. My brain flashes to Rae in that ugly sweater vest I made her. How she wore it proudly because I'd made it.

"Where'd I lose you?"

I put my hand on his shoulder. It's not his fault I'm having a midlife crisis. He's done his job well for me over the years. "Some things are going to change tomorrow. I don't want to go over it now because I'm tired."

He frowns. "I have forty-five minutes booked for lunch. Want to tell me then?"

It's probably due to the fatigue of driving for hours, or maybe it's the heartbreak that's made me loopy, but I find my mouth tipping into a smile, a bubble of laughter eking out of my throat. Forty-five fucking minutes. That's my window of freedom tomorrow.

"Sure, man. Lunch it is."

He's still frowning at me, but he nods his head. "Okay, I'll be back at six thirty to get breakfast and go over contract points for the studio before we meet with them. Glad you're back, man." With another nod, he leaves, letting the heavy door swing shut and click behind him.

I let out a long breath and hang my head. My boots stare back at me, the same style I've worn since I got discovered singing in a bar I wasn't old enough to drink in. We've been through a lot, but they're about to be hung up.

My phone buzzes again, and I assume Dom forgot something. I check, only because I don't want him coming back up here and interrupting my sleep. It's actually a text from Mama.

Mama: Dom tells me you got back to LA safe. Hope we can talk soon. I want to hear all about this Idaho trip!

When the hell did Dom have time to text my mother during his verbal diarrhea on the way up to the room? I shake my head, ashamed that my agent communicates with my mama more than me. That's gotta change too.

I hit her contact info and the phone rings. She answers like she's startled to hear from me.

"Is this the great Hutton Calder, calling little ol' Caroline from Minglewood, Texas?"

I roll my eyes and walk into the bedroom, falling back on the fluffy bed. "Jeez, Mama. You act like I never call you."

"Do not start with me, young man. You were supposed to be here for Christmas with that grandbaby of mine. I have half a mind to sue you for grandparent estrangement!"

I squeeze my eyes shut and take the verbal beating. I deserve it. "I'm sorry, Mama. I really am. I needed some time with my son."

"Uh-huh…" She huffs and breaks first. "Well, did you get the time you needed?"

I think of the Christmas tree, Rae and Henry sitting underneath it, the light shining off their hair. The way Henry ripped into his presents and Rae tossed her head back laughing.

"Yeah. We both got the time we needed," I say softly.

"Ohh…" Mama breathes, her voice louder like she put the phone directly in front of her mouth. "Do I hear love and longing in your voice?"

I open my mouth to deny it and then snap my lips shut. The beat of silence only encourages her.

"Oh my sweet baby Jesus! You met a woman?!"

I hear Dad's voice in the background and Mama shushes him. A faint smile crosses my lips, imagining him trying to take the phone and Mama batting his hand away. "Put Dad on the line so I don't have to tell this story twice, will you?"

She complies, and once Dad hops on, I tell them everything about my weeks in Snowhaven. When I finish with our goodbye and driving back to LA, they're silent.

"Hello?" I pull the phone from my ear to see if the call dropped. Nope. Still on the line.

"Sorry," Dad grunts. "I had to go get your mama a box of tissues."

I huff. "You're crying? I thought you'd be happy."

"I am happy," Mama wails so loudly I have to take the phone from my ear. "I'm so happy I could drive all the way to California tonight just to kiss you. Then smack you upside the head for leaving Idaho, you big dummy."

"Mama, you've gotten violent in your old age."

"Watch it, boy. Nobody calls your mama old." Dad's quick to jump in and defend his wife. As he should.

"Guys, I don't know what to do. I have so much to untangle and no time to do it in. I need to be with Henry more. I need to travel less. I need to see Rae somehow. I have executives waiting on my next album and fans all over me for new music. I don't know what to do."

"That's a lot, I agree. But I didn't hear you say one thing you wanted to do. Maybe that's the problem." Mom always had good advice.

"What's your heart telling you, son?" Dad chimes in.

I close my eyes and shut out all the things my brain is screaming at me. I tap into my heart, the organ that's been limping along since we left Idaho. "I want to be with Henry and Rae. Full stop. Could be here, could be Texas, could be Idaho. I don't care where as long as those two are with me."

Mom sniffles loudly in my ear. "Oh, honey, you gotta take a chance on love. Your father drives me crazy, but I couldn't live without him. You deserve that someone too. And not someone like Holly. Don't get me started on that jackwagon. I have a feeling this Rae woman is your person. Give me her address, and I'll fly in tomorrow to have a word with her."

My eyes fly open. "Mama! No. I'm good. I'm a grown man and I can do this on my own. I'll get through tomorrow's meetings and then devise a plan."

"I'm not letting you doo-doo this up!" she wails again.

That has me laughing and it feels good to know I can still laugh, even with a broken heart. "I'm not gonna doo-doo anything. I promise you. I'm going to call my friend Morgana and come up with a plan."

"Morgana Mavis?" Mama squeals. "I love her!"

"Yeah, she's pretty awesome, but she also molded her career around her new family. I have a feeling she'd have great advice for me."

"Maybe he won't doo-doo this up, sweetie," Dad interjects.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, y'all," I drawl.

Mama shushes us both. "Two days, boy. You got two days to figure this out or I'm going up to Idaho to fix this myself. You don't wait on a girl like Rae. You wife her up before some other bloke turns her head."

Just the thought of some other man trying to wiggle his way into Rae's life has me seeing green. I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. Who has time for sleep when they have a son to save, a woman to woo, and a life to revamp?