3. Conner

3

Conner

I reach around Dani and grip the counter to keep myself upright. "You want…me…" My fingers bite into the wood as my words stall in my throat.

"Technically." She gives a nervous little laugh as she pushes a strand of hair behind her ear and leans in to whisper, "It's your sperm I want."

My heart pounds in my ears, making it difficult to hear, because, obviously, what I'm hearing doesn't make sense. She's not asking me to be a sperm donor, right? I nearly laugh at that ridiculous thought.

She blinks rapidly, as I try not to stare at her like she just grew a second head. "In-vitro isn't working." Her words are rushed as she continues with, "And the doctor suggested I try it the good old-fashioned way."

I take two deep breaths, and as my racing brain slows, it begins to fill in the blanks and make sense out of what is happening here. "Oh, so you want me to fill a cup or tube or something, so you can…insert it?" Jesus, did I really just say that out loud? I should just shut the hell up because I have no idea how this all works.

"No, it would have to be, you know." She awkwardly bumps her fists together. "Me and you. Old fashioned. Like grandpa and grandma used to do it." She rolls her eyes, and a tortured sound climbs out of her throat. "I don't know why I just said it like that."

She said it like that because she's not in her right mind. She can't be. I inch back, letting go of the counter. "Dani…I don't think?—"

"You're right," she blurts out and gives a flirty laugh, but it can't hide the pain in her eyes. "I was only kidding. Too many margaritas. Alcohol turns me into a joker." I'm about to tell her it doesn't, that I've never seen that happen, when she lifts up her glass. "Which is why I'm on to water."

By my count, she's had two drinks tonight, unless she was pounding them back before I got here and I don't think that was the case at all, I also don't think she was joking.

She wants a baby.

Holy shit, Dani just asked me to be her baby daddy.

"Dani," I begin and rub my chin.

"I was kidding." She gives me a little shove. "Go celebrate your win. This is huge, Conner."

"Dani…"

She pushes past me and walks back to the table, and I make a move to follow her when I'm surrounded by bunnies. Dani glances at me over her shoulder and her fake smile falters as Naomi puts her arm around me and goes up on her toes to give me a congratulatory kiss. By the time I manage to peel her off me, Dani's attention is on Josie and Brighton. She puts her arms in the air, and stretches, and I know that's her classic move for making her exit. A second later, she stands, pulls on her coat and slides her finger across the screen of her phone.

I hurry to her, and take it from her hands. "Going somewhere?"

"It's been a long week. I need sleep. You guys have fun." She points to the door as it opens and in walk a few more players. "I'm going to grab an Uber."

"I'll drive you." I slip her phone into her coat pocket, and she opens her mouth like she's going to protest when I glare at her. She can't ask me to be her baby daddy and then take an Uber home like nothing really happened here tonight. We need to talk. I'm not sure if everyone at the table can sense the storm going on inside of me, but they've mostly fallen quiet.

Dani puts her hand on my chest, like she's done a million times before, only tonight it feels…different. I can only chalk that up to what she just asked me, and right there, that's just one of the reasons I can't do this. I can't let anything come between us.

"Conner—"

"Catch up with you guys later," I tell the guys, as I tug on my coat. I turn my focus to Dani. "Ready?" I don't give her a chance to answer or protest. I put my hand on her back and guide her to the door. The night air whips around us, as I hurry my steps and begin the brisk walk to my car. Once there, I open the door for her and she slides in.

We're both quiet, lost in our own thoughts as I drive to Beacon Hill. I bought the big house here when I first signed with the Bucks a few years ago. It's too big for me, but it's an investment. I maneuver the downtown streets, which are filled with partygoers, and while I'm excited for our win, I'm no longer in the mood to party.

As we approach our neighborhood, Dani's soft voice pulls my attention.

"Conner."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

I grip the steering wheel tighter. "You don't need to be sorry." Christ, I'd once swore that if Dani was my wife, I'd walk through burning fire for her. But she's not my wife. She married my brother. She'd chosen him.

But this is fucking important to her, dude .

The only thing she's ever wanted was a child, a family. "I just don't see how any of this could work." How could we raise a baby together? Technically, she's my sister-in-law, which makes this so twisted. Not to mention that I'm on the road during the NHL season. What kind of help could I actually be? Then again, the other guys manage.

But no… I mean, there was a time I wanted my own family, and there was a big part of me that was envious that Alec was doing all the things I wanted…but this…this is wrong. Besides, I sort of gave up on a family, not wanting to pass along my genes. What if my child ended up with my learning disorder and ended up suffering the way I had…still do?

"No, I mean…" She glances down and starts twisting the hem of her coat between her fingers. "It's…after Alec." My heart lurches at my brother's name, and once again equal measures of guilt, shame, sorrow and loss hit at the same time. "I don't want you to feel responsible for me. I don't think I realized how I kept you from other things, other women, until tonight?—"

A burst of fierce heat moves through me. "Did someone say something to you?"

"Not in so many words, no. I just realized how much time you spend with me when you could be…out."

Out?

I steal a fast glance at her, but she's looking out the passenger side window. "What are you talking about?"

"You should be out having fun with the bunnies. I think the last girl I saw you with was Summer."

"We broke up." After my brother's death, and me trying to be strong for everyone, I had no time for Summer, and she just sort of faded into the background.

"I know." She shrugs and her shoulders hover around her ears. "But you're always hanging out with me. Like you owe it to your brother, or to me, or something. I don't know."

"I hang out with you because I want to, not because of some sense of obligation. We're friends, Dani. We've always been friends." All the more reason we can't have a baby together. I can't risk losing her.

"It's just…you should be having sex." She winces a bit when she says sex.

"You should be having sex too," I counter without thinking as my mind goes in a direction I'd fought hard in the past to never let it go. Maybe I'm going there tonight because she asked me to be her baby daddy—the old-fashioned way, like grandpa and grandma used to do. Okay, it's going to take a while to wash that image from my damn brain.

I reach across the seat and take her hand in mine. "I want to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth." I narrow my gaze, and search her face.

She nods. Here goes nothing. "You weren't joking earlier, were you?" She looks down, but not before I catch the embarrassment in her eyes. "We've always been honest with each other. No secrets." Yeah, like you've been honest with her, dude . Fuck me. I've kept a horrible secret from her for two years. The only way I sleep at night is by telling myself there's no need for her to know. It won't change the past and will only hurt her. Besides, it's not like she's ever going to find out now. Alec is gone.

"I wasn't. I've given it a lot of thought, but clearly not enough thought. I think desperation is messing with my reasoning abilities."

"Why me?" I push out past a tight throat.

She goes quiet and every muscle tightens. Honestly, I don't expect her to say that it's me she wants—that it was me she always wanted, and somehow ended up with Alec. No, I don't expect that at all. I don't even want that.

Yeah, okay, dude. Chill the fuck out.

"It's just that we're friends and I trust you." Her brow is furrowed, tight as she swallows. "I know you. I know what you're made of."

What I'm made of?

All the reasons this is more complicated. Honestly, I can't make sense of it. Wouldn't that put our friendship on the line. That's not something I've ever wanted to mess with. I know things come in threes, and after losing my brother, Dani's baby…I've been waiting for the third ball to drop, and dammit, it's not going to be my relationship with her. I can't risk that.

But a baby is so damn important to her, dude.

Under her breath she murmurs, "DNA." I lean into her, and strain to figure out what it is she's saying. "DNA," she whispers again, and those three little letters hit me in the gut harder than that fucker Blake Danske in tonight's game.

Yeah, okay I get it. I'm made of the right DNA. DNA close to my brother's. Fuck, would she even want his DNA if she knew what he'd been doing behind her back when she was pregnant—when she was spotting and in trouble and needed him more than ever before. Probably not, but I can't tell her that.

I also can't tell her I don't have the right DNA. What if my offspring takes after me, and ends up getting bullied and beaten up, because he's ‘thick in the head' as I've been called. I barely made it through high school. Dani knows I struggled. She just doesn't know why. I don't like to talk about it. Would she want my DNA if she knew I had a learning disorder? I guess the fact that she knew I struggled, and still asked, says there's a good chance she would want it. Jesus, she's that desperate for a piece of Alec.

I go quiet for a long time, and when I reach her house I pull into the driveway. I yawn, my body suddenly so very tired. "Thanks for the lift." She reaches for the handle, like she's about to scurry away. Fine. I reach for mine too and she stares at me when I exit and circle the front.

"What are you doing?"

Tension arcs between us and I hate it with every fiber of my being. "We should probably talk a little more about this."

"Honestly, Conner. It was a mistake." The sadness about her absolutely guts me, and I pull her into my arms. At first she's stiff, but then she relaxes into me, and puts her arms around me. Fuck, she's been through so much. Too much. Her body begins to shake, despite my warmth.

"Come on. Let's get you inside."

She nods and sniffs, so I keep my arm around her and walk her to the door. Since I have my own key, I unlock it and we step inside. The warmth of her place wraps around me like it always does and makes me feel right at home. I've always loved being at her place. This one and the one she grew up in. Her mother still makes the best cherry pie.

I take my coat off and hang it in the front closet and she slips out of hers and I take it from her. "Are you hungry?" she asks. "You didn't eat much at the pub."

"Too hyped up."

"I can heat us up some lasagna. I didn't eat much either."

No wonder. She was probably trying to figure out the best way to ask me to be her baby daddy. She stifles a yawn, and I put my hands on her shoulders and walk her to the kitchen, indicating for her to sit. "I'll heat it for us."

I open up her freezer and pull out the individually sized containers with the lasagna and toss them into the microwave. As they heat, I pour us both a glass of water and sit next to her. She watches me with careful eyes, like I'm about to berate or lecture her or something. She knows better than that, though.

I sit and my knees touch hers. "If the doc suggested the good old-fashioned way, have you thought about dating again?" Is it too soon to be asking that? Alec has been gone for two years, and she hasn't even cleaned his closet out yet. I guess we all grieve in our own ways, and the fact that she wants my DNA, because it's close to Alec's, well…she's still in love with him.

"Actually, I have thought about it."

My stomach tightens. Goddammit, why do I hate the idea of her in another man's arms? It was bad enough seeing her with my brother, but they were happy, which made me happy for her. I consoled myself with that because they were two of the most important people in my life. It must have taken so much for her to ask me. Fuck. I feel like a real douche for shutting her down so quickly.

"I just…I'm not ready."

No, of course she's not. She's never gotten over Alec. He was and still is the love of her life. Wait, what is that in her eyes? What is it she's not telling me? I'm about to ask when the microwave beeps.

"Did you get to see your parents tonight?"

I love how they come to all my home games. Raising me wasn't the easiest of jobs, but my whole family was there for me—Alec included. Which makes what Dani is asking me all that much stranger. "Yeah."

"They were bursting with pride as usual." If I hadn't forced Alec to come home that day two years ago, they'd probably have two sons to be proud of, but no, now they only have one.

"Oh, I just remembered. Rylee wants us to come to dinner tomorrow." Her eyes widen. "I mean, if you're free. If you're not, I totally get it."

Jesus, what's it going to take for her to realize I like her company and don't want to be bedding a different bunny every night?

"Yeah, I'm free."

Her eyes widen and when she shakes her head, I can only guess she's revisiting our bunny conversation—and how I should be out screwing them all. "Conner?—"

"Dani." Her gaze jerks to mine, and my heart pounds a little faster. I don't want to give her hope that I'll do this favor for her. That's just cruel, because when it comes right down to it, I can't do this. I won't. Bad things come in threes and if I mess up our friendship and lose her or even the baby, well, that would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I open my mouth to tell her exactly that, when the words, "Can I think about it?" spills from my lips.

Kill me fucking now.