27. Dani

27

Dani

I 'm not normally so mopey, and I never sleep this much. I guess sleep helps me forget what's really going on in my life. Honestly, I know I'm being selfish, acting like the entire world revolves around me, when I know it doesn't. I just thought…I thought Conner was a man I could trust, a man I could have a future with. We'd waited so long for our happily ever after, and now, not only is that not going to happen, we've lost our friendship and that was the one thing we vowed never to mess up. Well, we certainly did that, especially after his last text message asking me to please talk to him, and me telling him to leave me alone, that I never wanted to see him again.

I roll over in bed and glance at the pretty pink pictures on the wall. It's pathetic that I'm sleeping in one of Ava's bunk beds, hiding out because I can't face the world right now. I kick off the covers and listen to the sounds coming up from the kitchen. My sister is down there taking care of three kids, and well, now it's more like four kids with the way I'm acting. This is ridiculous.

I push up and climb from the bed. A few steps take me to the window and I pull the curtains open and glance down at the street, half expecting to see Conner. He'd come by four days ago, after I spotted him at Summer's, and I didn't have it in me to talk to him. He called a couple of times, and then after my final text…silence. I guess he's at least respecting my wishes.

How did I not know he had a child, and was seeing Summer behind my back? The man told me he loved me, for God's sake. Then again, so did Alec, and I'm smart enough to know that was nothing but a lie, a hateful stunt to hurt his brother. What is wrong with the Birch men, and how did I get so entangled with both of them?

Out of nowhere, a sob catches in my throat, and my heart cracks just a little bit more. I glance down at my stomach. I can't even get pregnant, yet everyone else around me has no trouble with it. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, and in the end, I'm glad Conner and I didn't procreate. What a mess that would have been when he already has a family and no way can you convince me that the boy isn't his. They look exactly alike, and I'm keeping my distance. I am not a homewrecker.

Dressed in my sleep shorts and T-shirt, I step up to Ava's small mirror and take in the dark circles under my eyes. I need to get myself together and get back to work. The last few days, Marley has been picking up the slack and driving the bus while I hid and felt sorry for myself. But no more. I need to get back into the real world and give Ava her room back.

I make a quick trip to the bathroom and clean myself up. Laughter rises up from downstairs and the sound of my sister's kids always brings a smile to my face and a pang to my heart. She has everything I've ever wanted. Just like Conner had everything Alec ever wanted, which is the only reason he went after me.

But nope, onward and upward.

"Good morning," I call out my voice chirpy as I enter the kitchen. My sister turns to me, her brows arched.

"Someone's in a good mood this morning." She eyes me, and I know she can see through the act I'm presenting. I don't want my nieces and nephews picking up on my sadness, so I try to be happy around them.

Ava picks up a different crayon and continues with her drawing. "Aunt Dani, when can we go to Uncle Conner's? I want to go swimming."

Just hearing his name sends my brain into a spin. Rylee steps up and hands me a much-needed cup of coffee.

"Ava, we can go to the lake, or maybe we can go to Noah and Brighton's resort and swim in the rooftop pool. I know you love that and you can play with Camryn and Tate."

She claps her hands. "That will be fun."

"I like playing with Tate," Jack mumbles as he jams a spoonful of cereal into his already full mouth.

I take a couple drinks of coffee, and my sister gives me a sympathetic smile. "Are you okay?"

I nod. "I'm good. I'm going to pack up and head home. I need to get on with my life and I miss my dogs." I snort out a laugh. "Maybe I should get a dog. That would be good company."

"Yeah, better than becoming an old cat lady."

"Who's a cat lady?" Ava asks as she holds out the picture to me. "Look, Aunt Dani, I drew my family." She points. "That's you and Uncle Conner."

Jack finishes his cereal and his spoon lands in his bowl with a clang. I jump, my nerves on edge. Rylee frowns at me. "Ava, why don't you and Jack go play on the swings. Later we can all head out and get ice cream. It's going to be a hot day, and maybe we can also go see the pups at Aunt Dani's Airbnb."

"Yay!" They both scream and dash outside. With a heavy heart I glance at sweet Brynn as she sleeps in her bassinette.

"How do you do it with three kids?" I half joke, wishing I had the same.

"It's a juggle, but I love it."

"I know you do. You're a good mom." I drop into the seat Ava just vacated and stare at the family picture—that contains Conner and me. A sob catches in my throat. Rylee drops down next to me and takes my hand.

"You'll be a good mom too." I'm about to counter, and she squeezes my hand to stop me. "Dani, things are a mess right now, I know that. But that doesn't mean you won't have a family of your own one day. You will, I know it." She puts her hand on her chest. "I feel it in my soul."

I try to smile, but tears fill my eyes instead. I don't think she's right, but I don't have the energy to fight her on it, so I say, "Thanks."

She swallows and takes a sip of her own coffee. "I can't understand it to be honest." She snorts out a humorless laugh. "There's a lot of things I can't understand, like why you even started dating Alec when you loved Conner since you first met him in high school." She glares at me, daring me to counter that truth.

"Alec paid me attention," I admit. God I was such a fool. "But now we both know why he did that." She gives me a sympathetic look and I continue, "Conner never liked me that way. He never brought up the letter, which only proves that. For a while I thought maybe he never saw it, but I was wrong about that, obviously."

"I see the way he looks at you, Dani."

"Rylee, it's over."

She shakes her head and briefly closes her eyes, like she's searching for answers. "I still can't understand it."

"What's not to understand." I shrug. "Conner and Summer are back together, and they have a child."

"Do you think he always knew about the child? I've been trying to make sense of this for days. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd abandon his child and then suddenly decide to be there for him. I keep thinking there is more to the story."

"Maybe, maybe not." I guess there could be. I didn't give him the chance to explain anything. I was too shocked and hurt after finding him at Summer's place. He hid that from me. He hid a lot of things from me. I thought we didn't keep secrets, but I was wrong.

"I mean, think about what he said to Jared." I toy with my coffee cup and she continues. "He said it's not what you think and when Jared asked what it was, he wouldn't say. Why wouldn't he say? What is he hiding, and why is he hiding it?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose and work to hold back the tears. I've cried so much these last few days, I'm surprised I'm not completely dehydrated. With my brain a chaotic mess, I say, "I don't know, Rylee. All I know is what I saw. He had his arm around Summer, and was holding a boy's hand. A boy who looked exactly like him."

She gasps and sits up a little straighter. Her movements surprise me, and a strange cold wave moves over my body. I hug myself as she picks up her coffee cup and hurries to the counter, her back to me.

"What?" I ask, suddenly not sure I want to hear the answer. As my entire body chills, I rub my arms, a sick, uneasy feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.

"The letter," she begins, as she puts another pod into the machine. "Conner had it after all these years."

"Yeah." I take a sip of coffee and it suddenly tastes bitter on my tongue.

"I don't understand that. Why keep it? He's moved from his childhood home, why bring it with him? If he wasn't into you back then, wouldn't he have just tossed the letter, not taking it with him when he bought a house?"

"I don't know why Conner does what he does," I answer, wishing my brain would slow long enough so I can have more rational thoughts.

Rylee turns to face me. She leans against the counter, like she needs it to support her as she grips her coffee cup with both hands, cradling it so hard, I'm worried she's going to break it. My gaze leaves the cup and my heart stalls as I take in her pale face.

"What?" I ask again, a measure of panic racing through my blood. I push back in my chair, an odd sense of fight or flight instinct gripping me, because I'm not entirely sure I want to hear what she has to say. What does she know that I don't? Has my brain been blocking something to protect me? I'm sure that's what Melanie, who is a fabulous therapist, would tell me.

"Dani," she begins quietly, her voice low, like she's trying to soften the blow of what she's about to say. I stare at her, my words lodged in my throat. Suddenly, as Summer's words once again come back to haunt me— Always wanting what the other has— my brain begins to clear of the chaos, and a new kind of understanding—an entirely different scenario—plays out in my mind. Oh God. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Summer knew Alec better than I thought she did, and there's only one way that could have happened.

"Rylee…" I try to speak but my words are lodged in my throat.

"What if Conner found the letter in the box, and took it to protect you from being hurt more? What if he loved you all those years ago too? Maybe he didn't want you to know the extent of Alec's betrayal, that he was only with you to hurt Conner."

A cry lodges in my throat. "When I asked Conner if he thought that was true, that Alec never loved me, he said that wasn't true."

"Of course, he did. He wouldn't want you to think you meant nothing to Alec. That you were a pawn in a game of hate."

"But that's exactly what I was. It's the only thing that makes sense in my life. Alec barely touched me. It's the only logical explanation."

She takes a step toward me. "You know way more than Conner thinks you do, don't you?"

I glance at my feet, my hair falling into my face. "I do." I draw in a shuddery breath, knowing exactly where she's going with this. "Conner found the letter in the box…," I state quietly.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure he did and I'm pretty sure he took it home and hid it so you wouldn't see it."

"It was right after I left that letter on Conner's bed that Alec started pursuing me." Sadness grips me. Sadness for the hurt Alec caused, the years Conner and I lost.

"The boy…" Rylee begins.

My entire body goes weak, and I clutch the table. "He's…he's…Alec's." A sob spills from my lips and I bend forward, putting my hands over my face, as tears fall hard, and I'm not sure if I'm crying from Alec's deceit, or the fact that the baby isn't Conner's and he was simply trying to protect me from the true extent of Alec's betrayal.

"He loves you, Dani. He loves you so much, he couldn't let you think you meant nothing to Alec." I lift my head. "I'm not sure what was going on when you saw him with his arm around Summer, and holding her son's hand, but I don't think it's what you think." I nod in agreement. "Maybe he knew Alec had been with Summer, maybe he didn't. But my guess is that he just found out about the boy and I think you need to go find him."

I hiccup a sob. "I told him I never wanted to see him again." Oh God, how could I have messed this up so badly? Is there any chance of fixing it now? "I…I didn't listen to him, Rylee."

"He wasn't going to tell you anyway, Dani."

She's right. He was protecting me, but I'm no longer that high school girl, the quiet new kid on the block who needed his protection. No, I'm a grown woman who knows what she wants, and what I want is him, dammit. I grab my phone and call him, but it instantly goes to voicemail. In a panic, I leave my sister's and drive to Conner's place, but he's nowhere to be found. Where the heck would he be?

I head to the rink, but his car isn't there. I shoot him off another text and when he doesn't answer, I start driving aimlessly. Okay, maybe not so aimlessly because I find myself sitting in my car across the street from Summer's place—Conner's car parked in the driveway. My heart pounds so fast, the world closes in on me.

My God, was I completely wrong?