Twenty-Four

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TOBY

I thinkI'd somehow convinced myself his ass wasn't that good. And I was right. It's even better than I remember. More than anything, I want to stay attached to him. I want to remain invading his body, though I'm sure he needs me to move.

I stare at the angry red mark on his shoulder. There's blood tinting the rain on his skin. Yep, that's leaving a mark. Pretty sure I'm not sorry at all. I need the world to see that this fucking man is mine. I need Atty to see that he's mine.

Sure, maybe we need to have words for that to happen, but this is a start, right?

As the rain finally begins to slow down, it's not quite so deafening. There are birds singing now and the sun is once more fighting to shine. Still, I don't want to move. Even knowing that the cover of the harsh rain is gone and if someone looks out from the second floor, they'll see us, I don't want to let him go.

It's stupid to think I can keep him convinced that he wants to continue this by not letting him go. By keeping my cock in his ass. I chew my lip as I catch my breath. His hole clenches around me and I shiver at the way it pulses through my body.

"Toby?"

I grunt in response.

He laughs quietly. "You can fuck me again," he whispers. "I'm not going anywhere."

Yep, he can tell how pathetic I am. Grudgingly, I pull myself free. It's more difficult than it should be because I don't want to. Still, I take the hint and let his ass have a rest.

Atty gasps when I'm completely free and then groans. He moves slowly as he stretches his body. I'm still gripping his cock so I force myself to let that go, too. I'm surprised when he grips my wrist and keeps my hand there. "Don't," he says, voice almost a whisper.

I wrap around him, taking hold of his dick once more. He's half hard, having not fully softened. "Do you want to fuck me?" I ask.

His dick is certainly interested in that idea.

"You… what?" he sputters, turning his head to look at me over his shoulder. The confusion and shock on his face have me laughing.

"I'm actually vers, though I tend to top more than bottom," I say.

Atty's eyes are comically wide and I can practically see his thoughts moving through his head. They play like a movie reel in his eyes. It makes me smile wider.

"Vers," he tries out the word. "That means…?"

"Versatile. Sometimes referred to as a switch. It's basically just a short way of saying I top and bottom. I'm not a strict top."

"Oh, sorry. I don't know the terms, I guess."

I sigh because I think that might be a segway into the conversation that Atty's been trying to ignore for months concerning himself. I rest my head on my shoulder, pressing my face into his hair.

"I don't want to stop seeing you," he says quietly.

I nod but don't say anything. There's a lot I need to say. Like I can't keep living in a world where he doesn't answer texts. Or he leaves me on read. I need to know what he's thinking and where he's at.

Getting those words out is difficult.

Atty pulls free and then rolls to face me. I'd much rather have this conversation when he can't see my face. I burst into laughter when he brings my hand back to his dick. His smirk is cute as fuck.

It's enough to lift some of the weight that's settled around us.

"Look at me," Atty prompts, and I do, but it's not easy. "I'm sorry. I fucked up and I treated you horribly. Promise I won't do that again."

I release a heavy breath. "So… you're feeling better now?"

His laughter this time isn't funny. "No. Well, yes. I still don't feel like I know anything. There are so many fucking questions and I don't have answers to them. Nothing feels like it fits. But maybe I'm looking for an answer that doesn't exist. Maybe there isn't just one answer."

"You're talking about your sexuality?" I ask.

He nods and shrugs. "Yes, but other things too."

"Well, I can tell you that maybe you are looking for an answer that doesn't exist. So many people think it's black or white. You like guys or you like girls. That's not really the case. You can like both. You can like neither. Or like one a little more than the other. More than that, you only like one under certain circumstances. There's a thing called demisexual, meaning that you only feel attraction to someone once you have a bond. There's something called aromantic, which means you never experience a romantic attraction to anyone. Then there's the gray area all around everything where many people fall into that says they are sometimes one thing but not always. Some situations and circumstances have you reacting a certain way with a specific person but even if those moments are repeated exactly with someone else, you may not have the same response."

Atty's been very still and quiet as he stares at me. When I stop talking, he continues to stare. I try to determine what he's thinking, but right now, I think he's just processing. It carries on so long that I gently touch his face. "Did I break you?"

He laughs and closes his eyes. "No. God that sounds so…" Atty chews his lip. I think he's going to say fucked up or unhelpful, so I'm surprised when he says, "I love that more than you can understand."

"Yeah?"

"I've been talking to a lot of my friends, which has been kind of comical because I haven't actually told them anything that might lead them to something that might have led to this. I've also been reading, but nothing fits just right and… yeah. I think I've been looking for a specific word to describe what's going on with me. Maybe one doesn't exist."

"The problem is, we live in a world that's defined by labels, so I'm not at all surprised that you've been searching for a new one to help you understand what you're feeling. I'm sure there is one, but ready to have your mind blown again?"

"I'm not sure I can take the suspense," he sassas, his eyes slitting.

I grin. "You might not have just one label, Atty. Many times, we have many."

"Do you have more than one?"

"Yes. I'm gay, obviously. I'm vers, which I just explained as meaning I like to top and bottom. I consider myself a twink, which is a specific body type in the gay community, meaning smooth, young, and trim." Atty frowns but I continue. "I can use more labels to describe myself if I choose to, such as androphilic which means I'm generally attracted to masculinity. Uranic is a relatively new term that means I'm attracted to men, masculine non-binary people, and neutral non-binary people. Also, a big umbrella that I'm happy to wear is queer."

Atty blinks at me. "Is there a website for this?"

I grin and kiss him lightly. "Yes, actually. There are several. But you need to know that even most websites define terms as pretty black and white. You need to understand that there's always a gray scale. There may be deviations or exceptions. Most importantly, you don't have to find a label, Atty. You can simply be Hector Atlas and that's okay."

He inhales deeply and closes his eyes. His exhalation is drawn out. Maybe I'm imagining it but I think he relaxes a little. "There's such a thing as stupidly trying to find answers on my own when I could have just fucking asked."

I scootch a little closer so I can press my forehead to Atty's. My hand remains wrapped around his cock, though he's not as hard as he had been.

"You were asking. You asked your friends. It's okay not to be ready to talk about it, though."

"Yeah, I know but I was also dragging you through shit by not just fucking saying something." His eyes open. "I'm really sorry, Toby."

"I know. You've said. I forgive you as long as you don't ever leave me on read again."

"I won't."

"Do you feel a little better now?"

Atty nods. "I do. Although I'm probably more overwhelmed with all the labels out there and I think I need some kind of deity to just tell me what I am, I appreciate your answer. I definitely think you're right. I've been looking for a black and white answer and it's probably far more gray than anything else."

"I'm gray in a lot of areas. I'm not particularly attracted to femininity except when we play in the bedroom. While I prefer to top, there are times I really want to fucking bottom. I like complete obedience when it's concerning sex but otherwise, I kind of like also being taken care of."

Atty's lips curl. "Is that so?"

I roll my eyes. "I'm not saying I need to be a househusband, I'm just saying that in a relationship, I like to share everything evenly. I don't fall into one role, whether that be caretaker or provider or baby or whatever. But even that is gray. Sometimes I like to be the one to take care of my partner. But there will be times under those same circumstances that I want to be the one spoiled. There's nothing about me that's black and white."

He pulls me flush to him. Since the angle is now a little awkward, I let go of his dick and wrap my arm around his back. "I don't want this to end," Atty says, "but I think we both know that I'm likely going to struggle for a while as I try to work this out. I need, at the very least, to understand myself to some extent or I'm always going to feel like I'm balancing on a blade and it's going to make us both miserable."

"So, does that mean you want time to work it out on your own?"

"No! No, no, no. Not what I meant."

"You want to keep this to sex only? Just fooling around? Friends with benefits?" I'm going to pretend that I don't hold my breath.

Thankfully, there's no hesitation when he shakes his head. "No, not that either. I just need your patience when I get quiet and know that I won't leave you on read again, though I might need to figure some shit out on my own from time to time. I really don't know what I'm doing or what any of it means, and I like that I don't need to find an absolute definitive answer, but I need something."

"I get that and that's completely fair."

Atty kisses me. It lingers until we're both sighing into it. "Promise me if you feel like I'm being a dick again, you'll say something. I promise, I didn't mean to make you feel that way."

"Okay, I'll try not to get lost in my own head and overthink."

His face falls. "Fuck, Toby. I'm sor?—"

"I know," I interrupt. "Honestly, I could have just demanded an explanation from you. I didn't."

"Why?"

Oh great. I did not want this to turn back around on me. "Because I was afraid I was overthinking and that maybe I just read this entire thing the wrong way." Yep, my cheeks burn now. I want to roll in the mud until he can't see it.

His smile is cheeky. As is the way he licks his lips.

"You like that, do you?"

Atty's grin says that he likes it very much. His hand moves into my hair and he brings my mouth to his with a bruising force. It's sloppy again. Spit and tongue and teeth. His hand in my hair feels like it's tangled with mud. Yet I get closer, wrapping my leg over his hip so I can grind our cocks together. Even soft, I don't care. I want to feel him.

He rolls me so I'm under him and yep, I'm seriously considering riding his dick. Just because I can. I want to feel him inside me.

"You didn't read into this," Atty promises, kissing along my jaw. "You're not overthinking. I was being a dick, though I didn't mean to. And… I think at some point maybe we should talk about… this… but I need a little more time before we get to that. Maybe I won't find the answers I want, but even if that's the case, I need to come to a point where I'm okay with that. I'm not quite there yet."

"I can do that. But let's agree on one thing in the meantime."

"What?"

"You don't get to have sex with anyone else. Just me. Understand?"

"You're so fucking bossy," he teases. The humor in his voice makes me smile.

I roll him onto his back and his surprise at me being able to do it makes me smirk. "Yeah, I am. I mean it, Atty. Your dick, your ass, your mouth, your fucking body… mine. You don't get to share it with anyone else. Am I clear?"

He shivers, his pupils widening as he stares. My man is a slut for demands. He nods, almost mesmerized.

"And I won't fuck around with anyone else."

He nods again, this time with more intent behind it.

"Let's go upstairs and get cleaned up. I'm going to put you in a dress and fuck you until you can't walk. Then I'll send you home with a butt plug and a thong, which you'll wear until I tell you, like my good girl. Understand?"

His entire body shivers under me, and he groans. "Yes," he says, breathy and needy. I have half a mind to just fuck him in the mud again.

But I've lost the lube and this condom is done. I shift so I can look at the house. The windows are empty, I don't see anyone peeking out.

"Time to get up," I order. "We need to hose off so we don't track mud everywhere."

Atty blinks out of his moment, but his dick is chubby under me. Yep, I need to ride him. Not today. I think maybe that might make new questions pop up, and I don't want to put more stress on him. But I will ride this man. I'm going to make his eyes roll. I'm going to make him worship my ass.

I'm going to make him never want another person again. I need him to want me as much as I want him, to the point where he won't even look at someone else. Especially since I think I've already reached that point.