Twenty-Five

*********

*********

ATTY

I've been playingSecond World with Noah for a few weeks now. Ever since Egon mentioned that he and Lix met in an online game—and then I remembered reading that in their respective SCORE magazine features—I've been intrigued. When I asked Noah about it, he was more than happy to teach me how to play.

I'm not much of a gamer. It's never been something that's interested me for longer periods than a few days at a time. I find most of them repetitive. Noah says Second World isn't like that. You choose how you play and what you do, so it's never like a first-person shooter where you're basically always doing the same thing—kill the enemy, look for loot, get out alive. Yes, exciting.

My avatar is a level two dragon. Noah was amazed when that option was open for me. He says there are algorithms that only make it available once every so many players sign up. To his knowledge, there aren't any dragons higher than level eight, because they lose interest and it's super difficult to level up. I guess Lix has been looking for skunk pelts for eons to get to level fourteen. He still needs thirty.

Noah leveled up the other day. Seeing him so excited about it made me realize how much he truly loves the game. He told me Lix even brought him home a cake that evening to celebrate.

Then again, it could just be something they enjoy sharing an interest in. To have that bond and memory of how they met is super cute.

I'm sitting on a chair perpendicular to Noah on the couch. Lix is across from me in another chair. They're on their laptops and I'm on a tablet. We're moving together on the screen looking for various items while also on a joint quest to gain some massive XP if we can track down a rogue ogre and break the spell it has on it. From everything they've read, it's not what it appears.

I don't know what that means. I'm kind of just along for the ride because it's fun hanging out with them.

"This quest will give you enough XP to reach level three," Noah explains. "Then we just need to finish finding your required items."

"Cool," I say. "Does my dragon change shape again?"

"Probably. I've never met a dragon in here. They're that uncommon."

"They do at every level," Lix tells us. "I used to talk to one ages ago. She was pretty gung-ho about playing, but then she stopped logging in. Life happened, I guess."

"I can't imagine putting all that time and effort into something and then just randomly walking away," I say.

"Time and effort, yes. But fuck, you should see the money I've wasted on this game," Noah moans, shaking his head. "I pointedly never look in the background settings to see the total."

"I think I could buy a house with how much I've spent," Lix agrees, shaking his head. "Or a yacht."

Noah snorts. "Together we could buy a plane!"

Lix chuckles. "I laugh because it's probably true."

"You're really selling this," I snark, making them both laugh.

"It's a lot of fun," Noah says. "Truly. You meet so many people from all over the world and you already know you have at least something in common."

"You're not hurting for friends, Noah."

He laughs. "No. But behind a screen, they don't see my face. Just my mage."

I lift my eyes to look at him. He's sitting curled up in a blanket with the laptop in his lap. Noah always keeps his hair on the longer side, messy blond strands that touch his shoulders. It's half up right now and I think I spy something glittering in his hair. Tucked into the messy bun.

He's also wearing a strand of shells around his neck. A bracelet on his wrist. His nails are painted a light shade of blue. When the light catches them just right, they sparkle.

Noah looks up, probably feeling that I'm watching him like a creep, and smiles. Returning it, I look back at my screen. My gaze drops to my fingers. The black nail polish is long gone.

I've seen Toby nearly every day since the skate event in the park. Since we fucked outside in the rain and I admitted some things to him. It's been nine days and, besides how fucked up my head is sometimes, I'm happy. I love spending time with Toby. I love sex with Toby. And I love how we've started talking about life. Interests, hobbies, dislikes, dreams. We talk now. Not just about nothing, but about important things.

But in the quiet moments, when I'm alone, the infinite list of questions bombard me again. They start as whispers and steadily increase in volume until they're screaming so loudly in my head that I want to cry.

Distraction is the best way to ignore them. I've been spending more time with my friends when not with Toby.

I glance at Noah again and find myself staring at his nail polish. Nail polish isn't something that's specifically interesting to me. Even on women, it didn't do anything for me. Personally, I think things like that are more for other women than it is for men. Just like getting a fast or loud car. Men tend to think that women notice, but I have a feeling they attract more men's attention than they do women. The same goes for women's nails. Women notice far more than men do.

Except the opposite can be said if they're found with the opposite sex. Loud, fast cars owned by women and painted or manicured nails on men.

Pulling my eyes back to my screen, I catch Lix watching me, and I give him a smile. He's protective of Noah. I've seen it. I really love it.

That's the kind of love I want. When Marie and I were talking about our relationship eight months ago and I was telling her what I wanted and that we just didn't have that chemistry, I remember thinking specifically about Noah and Lix. I love their love. It's strong and pure and just… extraordinary.

"Atty?"

I glance at Noah.

"You okay?"

When I look at my screen, I see that the game has dulled. Meaning I haven't touched it for so long that it put my character into hiatus to keep him safe. I'm nodding as I stare at the dimmed screen. "Yeah."

Silence follows until Lix closes his laptop. "I'm going to get snacks. Any requests?"

I look up as he stands. Noah flashes him a smile and shrugs. "Whatever you want."

There's no way to miss the way they look at each other, even in this rather mundane exchange. It makes my stomach flip and longing bloom in my chest. I want that.

Noah closes his laptop once Lix leaves the room and scoots to the side of the couch closest to me. He pulls his knees up and wraps an arm around his legs. I'm staring at his nails again.

"You want to talk?" he prompts.

Kind of, but I don't know what to say. Noah is a good person to talk to about gay stuff, right?

"I know I get a little defensive with Hugo and he doesn't deserve it. He's a sweet…" His words trail off.

"Himbo," I provide.

Noah snorts. "Yes. Exactly that. It's just that I've lived my life facing those questions and they're always lined with thorns. They don't actually want answers. They think they're making some homophobic point by asking and get gloriously pissed off when I turn it back on them. The thing is, I know Hugo doesn't mean it that way. I've just lived so long reflexively defending myself that I kind of just default there." He leans forward. "But you can ask questions."

I think I want to, but how do I verbalize the things that are bothering me? Clicking the screen off, I stick the tablet between the cushion and the side of the chair.

Staring at Noah's nails, I start, "I met someone."

His smile widens a little. "That's great."

I'm nodding without much thought. Taking a breath, I continue, "I really like what we're doing."

"Where did you meet?"

"Uh… Medieval Company."

Noah laughs. "How the hell did you manage to meet someone in that chaos?"

Good question. The odds that it would happen seem so astronomical. And yet, he's literally the only person I saw. The only thing I remember.

"Do they like hockey?"

My eyes flicker to his and I grin. "Yes, actually."

He smiles. "Awesome. They sound perfect."

I nod again. My head keeps bobbing as I try to find the words I want to say next. "So… he's a guy." My breath stills, frozen in my lungs.

"That's cool, Atty. What's his name?"

My breath punches out, and I close my eyes. "Toby."

"Like… Toby Eads?"

Without opening my eyes, my smile spreads. "Yes. That's exactly the same Toby."

"Well fuck. Guess he does like hockey."

I chuckle. "He does."

We're quiet for a minute before Noah asks, "Are you nervous about sex? Is that the part you're struggling with?"

Picking my head up, I meet his eyes. I'm slightly amused that he's asked since he was very adamant about not talking about sex at Hugo's house the other day. He must know what I'm thinking, because he rolls his eyes. "I don't particularly like to discuss my sex life. Hugo's just the kind of person who would ask for details. But I'm not opposed to talking about it in the grander scheme. Besides, I imagine it could be something that's intimidating and maybe not as appealing as what you're accustomed to."

My cheeks flush as I admit, "That's not been a problem."

His smile climbs as he comes to understand what I mean. "Ah. That's good."

I huff and look away. "I just… it's the bigger picture that doesn't give me a break. It feels like I don't know myself or what this means for me. I keep thinking it might mean something concerning my past too, but mostly, I'm confused about what it means for my future."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Yeah," I say, feeling exhausted again. I just want this part to be over. I want to get to the point where I'm not constantly questioning myself—past, present, or future. "He says that there might not be a single answer to calm my questions because even bisexuality exists on a spectrum. I appreciate knowing that and I think it helped lift some of the confusion, but… it's just not enough for me. It doesn't satisfy the pressure in my chest from this change and what it means."

"I think it means that you're more evolved than most people," Noah says and I look at him skeptically. He laughs. "You're still seeing him, aren't you?"

"Yes. All the time."

"You can admit that you like him. You like his company, conversation, sex. Yeah?" I nod. "And despite how confused you are, you aren't letting that unsettled part of you stand in the way of spending time with him."

"No," I confirm.

"Then you're much more evolved than most people. Like it or not, we've come to a point in our society where the first thing we see when looking at a person is their perceived gender. Not even their identified gender, but the archaic view of gender only being what you're born as. And that alone dictates so much of our opinion on that person right down to how human we believe them to be. What rights they're allowed to have, not just in comparison to other humans, but over their own bodies. But you didn't look at Toby and, recognizing he's a male, turn the other way, writing him off as a possibility."

"You're very wise."

Noah barks laughter. "No. I'm loudly opinionated. Especially when there's someone to listen." He grins. "But I mean it, Atty." He leans over and grips my arm. "It's okay to feel confused. Just keep talking about it. Keep asking questions. I promise that at some point, you're going to find the answer you're looking for."

"Why haven't I yet?"

"Maybe you're not asking the right question."

He squeezes my arm and leans back. My gaze follows him. Staring at the nail polish on his fingers.

"Want me to paint your nails?" Noah asks.

I meet his gaze again and then look at my fingers. Chewing the inside of my lip, I nod. I'm not sure I actually care about having my nails painted, but…

"Be right back" Noah quickly gets to his feet. He's gone maybe two minutes before returning with a handful of things—towel, cloth, nail polish options, little sticks that I think he's going to stab me with.

"So, our back patio is complete," Noah says as he sits on the table in front of me and holds his hand out for mine. I place mine in his and he gets to work doing fuck knows what to my fingers. "It's pretty epic, if I do say so myself. Wait till you see the television. It's going to make Hugo cry."

I laugh. My shoulders relax at the change in topic. Lix returns then, maybe having known that we were done talking about my apparent evolution beyond normal humanity.

"We're thinking of having a gathering in a few weeks. Just our friends here. A draft party so we can all commiserate together about whether we're going to be replaced by younger models."

"Jesus," I say, closing my eyes. "Fuck, I need to get back on the ice."

Noah laughs. "Right?! I'm going to invite our friends—Egon and Rake, Hugo and whichever gold digger he's fucking at the time, Winslow. You. Lix's brother is coming over too. With his boyfriends!"

"Plural?"

Noah's grin turns wicked. "Yes. I'm not going to tell you anything about them except that"—he leans in as if he's going to tell me a secret—"one is a college romance—forbidden, between coach and player!"

I raise an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

He cackles. Behind him, Lix shakes his head, but he's smiling, too.

"Yes! I love to tease him about it. The way he blushes is just adorable."

"And the other guy?"

Noah shakes his head. "I've forbidden Lix from saying anything about him to anyone. We're going to be learning a lot about our friends if they recognize him."

"Sid's coming over too," Lix adds and Noah's expression freezes into something that's not quite as genuinely happy as it had been.

"Good," Noah says. His focus moves back to my nails. He's got one hand wrapped in a wet cloth while he works on the other.

Lix sits on the table behind him, kissing the back of his head. "They're engaged, you know."

I don't miss the tension in Noah's shoulders. "Yep. I'm happy for them."

Lix chuckles. He meets my eyes. "Sid kissed me once, and Noah hasn't forgiven him."

"If you're going to volunteer the story, then tell it all," Noah says. He looks at me and his hackles are up. "This guy waited until I had to go home for the beginning of the season or whatever, and once I was gone, kissed Lix."

My eyebrows widen as I look at Lix. He sighs. "It was a misunderstanding."

"Yes. In the same way you can trip, and your dick falls into someone," Noah deadpans.

Now my eyes are saucers as I look at Lix. Maybe I misread their relationship…

"That didn't happen, Atty," Lix says, laughing. "He just kissed me, and I shoved him off. He thought we were a summer fling and Noah was gone. Sid's even apologized to Noah. He's since gotten engaged and we're meeting his soon-to-be bride at our get together."

Noah meets my eyes and I can see that he's 100% not enthusiastic about this.

Lix presses his forehead to the side of Noah's head. "He's one of my best friends. It was a misunderstanding. He's apologized."

Noah huffs and rolls his eyes. I think maybe he's going to forgive when a smile flits across his face. He meets my eyes and says, "I think you should invite your friend."

My stomach rolls, threatening to revolt.

He squeezes my wrist. "I think it'll do you a lot of good to see how much support you have, Atty," he insists quietly. "Think about it."