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Chapter 21

~Gabe

After I fuck him, Justin falls asleep fast. Looking at him, I have to resist the urge to touch him, to wake him up and fuck him again. But just seeing his parted lips as he sleeps makes me insatiable for him.

To lessen the temptation, I turn and stare at the ceiling. It only helps a little. I"m still too aware of him next to me. I doze off for a little bit, but now I"m awake, watching him again. He turns over, slips away from me. I have this need to take hold of him again, but I don"t want to wake him.

I can"t stop thinking about what he told me, how Royce had to save him, and I know there is more that he didn"t tell me. He evaded, used one trauma as a shield against another. But I don"t blame him for not opening up to me. I wouldn"t either.

Now that Justin is turned away from me, I stare at the ceiling again. I start to doze, thoughts of Derrick and Justin mixed up in my head. One is my brother, the other is my stepbrother, and what else?

I"m drifting off, imagining Justin"s body hot and naked against me, when I hear him start to breathe too fast and I"m fully awake again. Leaning over to have a look at him, I see he"s still asleep, but sweat is beading on his skin. I wipe it off with my fingertips and try to soothe him, but he cries out sharply, struggles away from me.

"Justin, it"s me," I tell him while keeping my hands off him. "Justin. Come on, wake up. Justin."

While I"m calling his name, he scrambles off the bed and crawls into the corner. "I won"t tell anyone. I won"t tell anyone," Justin is saying, his voice a terrified whisper, his whole body trembling as he hugs his knees.

I turn the light on, go to him, but stay at arm"s length. "Justin, everything is OK. You"re OK." I"m keeping my voice low, calming, but I"m not getting through to him. I try again. "Justin. It"s me, it"s Gabriel."

Justin shakes his head. "Gabe," he says like he"s correcting me.

Feeling a little bit of relief, I go closer but he"s still out of it, still scared. "You don"t have to tell me anything," I say to him.

"But I did. I did," he sobs. "I told Mom. I told her. I shouldn"t have told her." Head bent, shoulders heaving, he"s crying inconsolably. "I came from school and Dane was home. Mom wasn"t. He..." Justin stops, frozen.

"You don"t have to..." I start to say but Justin continues in a tone with no emotion in it, dead and chilling.

"Afterward he panicked. Got frantic. Took me into the shower. I thought it was just to wash off the evidence or something. The shower was scolding hot then cold. He spilled shampoo on the floor of the shower then slammed my head into the wall. He was staging an accident. He tried to kill me." Justin just breathes for a moment. "I woke up in the hospital. Mom was there. I was kind of out of it, not really thinking. I told her. The next time I opened my eyes, she was gone and I wanted to die. I pulled out all the stuff I was connected to and got out of bed. I slammed my head into the wall. Tried to finish what he started. I came close to dying, but only managed to put myself in a coma."

As I listen, I keep my rage in check, don"t say anything, try to keep all emotions off my face. Justin isn"t looking at me though. He stares straight ahead, reliving horrible events right in front of my eyes.

"When I came out of the coma, they wouldn"t tell me anything. But mom wasn"t there. I started to wonder if she didn"t believe me, if she hated me. Then I found out it was even worse than that. Mom drove her car off the bridge with Dane in the passenger seat. They both died."

I knew about her death, but not why it happened, what Justin had to live with. An unbearable urge to take him in my arms overwhelmed me and I reached for him, then stopped.

Justin turned to me with empty eyes. "It"s like I killed her."

"No, it"s not. He did. She probably thought you were going to die, and she knew who was responsible. I"m sorry she"s gone, but I can understand what she did," I said, but even as I was saying it I knew I shouldn"t. I still kept going. "He deserved to die."

"My mom didn"t," Justin states simply.

"No. But you aren"t responsible. You shouldn"t have to suffer," I tell him and touch his hand briefly. I"m afraid to try and hold him, plus it"s partly a selfish impulse. Derrick"s death is already crushing me. What happened to Justin is too much. It makes me hurt for him. "Can you go back to sleep?" I ask him.

Justin shakes his head. "The dream. Water is closing over my head like a coffin and I"m looking into my mom"s eyes and they are telling me that she died because of me."

"No," I tell him and open my arms, will him to let me hold him. He comes closer, only a little though.

Raising his hand, he lets his fingertips brush over my face. "Am I supposed to be alive?"

"Of course you are."

"I think it"s a mistake. I was supposed to die too," he says and I wrap my arms around him. He rests his head on my shoulder, his whole body shaking. After a few breaths, he whispers, "Sometimes I think maybe you need me, I mean, really need me, and then I want to be alive."

"You should want to live for you, not for other people," I tell him, my heart breaking.

"But what am I worth?" he mutters.

"Everything," I tell him but he shakes his head. I get scared for him and tell him what I don"t want to admit. "Fine, live because I need you. Because I do need you."

"You want me to live?" Justin asks in a hushed voice.

"More than anything. I want to hold you. I want you to be alive. Please don"t deny me that."

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