Chapter 8

Haley

I never wanted him to find out like this. Hell, I never wanted him to find out at all.

Cole tenses and this terrible, pained expression spreads across his face. “What?”

“I didn’t want you to ever find out.”

Wrong thing to say.

He stumbles back as if I shot him in the heart with a bazooka. His gaze flits all over the bathroom, most likely trying to find the fastest exit out of my life. “Are you for real, Haley?”

Tears I’ve held back for a long ass time, start flowing. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to be disappointed.”

He stares at me with so much hurt in his eyes, I can’t bear it. “Cole, I’m sorry.” I try to come towards him, but he holds his hand up to stop me.

“Tell me everything. Right now. Right the fuck now, Haley.” He sways. “I can’t feel my legs.” He squats down and buries his face in his hands.

“Cole.” I reach out.

“Don’t touch me.”

I yank my hand back and kneel in front of him. “It happened so fast, I didn’t have time to process it,” I confess. “It was just before finals. I was two weeks late, and took a test. It came back positive. I went into a fog.” My throat closes up. “I lost it three days after finding out. I didn’t know how to tell you. Or even if I should tell you.”

“Why would you keep something like that from me?” His voice cracks. “I could have been there for you, Hales.”

“I didn’t want to put that burden on you.”

“Burden?” He drops his hands and stares at me. “It’s not a burden to be there for someone you love. It’s not a fucking burden to help when someone’s hurting. It’s not a burden to lose a baby, it’s a fucking tragedy.”

“One I tried to spare you from.” I swipe my tears away and buck the fuck up. I’ve grieved over this a thousand times, and though this is the first Cole’s hearing of it, there are more reasons for my actions back then. “I was terrified when I found out. You were so excited about UCL, and I had that internship in Boston. All our dreams were within our reach and the pregnancy would have derailed all of it. You would have given UCL up for me. For… us.”

“Damn right I would have.” His hands shake as he scrubs his face.

“I thought of a million ways to tell you. I just needed to get through finals first, and then I was going to say something so we could figure things out. But I lost it. To tell you after the fact made me…” I blow out a painful breath. “I didn’t know how to handle it. I was all over the place with my emotions. It scared me.”

“All the more reason you should have come to me about it.” He reaches out and grabs my hand. “You should have told me.”

“There was nothing that could be done by then. To tell you would have crushed you and I didn’t want that either.” Turns out, I spared him for nothing because he’s still crushed. “I panicked. I went through a myriad of arguments in my mind, and they all landed on the same thing: I needed to cut ties with you before I dragged you down with me.”

Cole drops back on his ass. “How can you think that? Why did you always think shit like that, Haley?”

My parents have always drilled into my head that I was a burden to them. They made me the scapegoat for every failure they had in their life. I was a financial burden, an emotional one, and a physical one.

“You know why, Cole.” He’s heard my childhood horror stories. In fact, he’s the only one I ever told them to.

“It would have been different for us.”

“Maybe,” I admit, shaking my head. “But the chance vanished before we could find out.” And I couldn’t process the pregnancy fast enough, so I panicked and ran. “If I could go back, I’d do many things differently.”

A breath shudders out of him. “Like what?”

“I’d have told you how I felt.”

“Would you have still left?”

I’m not going to lie to him. “Knowing what I do now? Yes.”

His shoulders drop. “Jesus.”

“Only because I needed to work on myself, Cole,” I rush to say. “I was so toxic back then. And maybe I still have a long way to go, I’m not even sure. But I had to break away from you so I could work on being a better person.”

“That doesn’t make sense. You’re a great person, Haley.”

“I was fucked in the head about a lot of shit.” And he knows it, damnit. He just doesn’t want to admit it. “I went to therapy for three years. I cut my parents out of my life completely. I’ve worked my ass off to be the best I can be so that…” I take a deep breath. “So that when I saw you again, you’d get the best version of me and could decide from there.”

Without saying a word, he stands up and heads over to the sink to wash his hands in silence. He splashes cold water on his face in silence too.

Panic sinks its claws into my heart and starts squeezing. “Say something, Cole.”

“I don’t think words were meant for these situations.” He blots his face dry and tosses the napkin in the trash. “I need time to process this.”

“Okay,” I whisper, taking that as my cue to leave.

But before I can unlock the door, he presses his hand against it to keep it closed. “Didn’t say I needed to process it alone, Haley.”

I close my eyes and let the tears fall.

···

Cole

Pulling her into my arms, I hug her tightly.

As mad as I want to be, I can’t bring the emotion to life. Whether it was wrong for her to keep this secret from me or not is no longer relevant. She panicked and did what she thought was best. Haley thinks she’s spared me the pain of something that was out of both our hands.

It kills me that she trusted me with so many of her painful secrets, but the one that involved both of us, she didn’t share. I’m honestly confused about how to feel.

On one hand, she’s right. The trajectory of my life would have been completely different if we’d had a baby. I fucking love kids. I want a ton of them one day. I would have given up my career in a heartbeat to have them with her. And part of me cringes because even though I’m not at all thankful she lost the baby, I am happy with how things turned out for me, personally.

Fuck me sideways. How selfish is that?

Yes, I would have given all this up if I had to. But I’m a little relieved that I didn’t have to.

Talk about a clusterfuck. I’m a fucking asshole.

There’s no doubt in my mind Haley would have been just as fast to put her life on hold too, and busted her ass to make sure my dreams came true at the expense of hers, if we could have that baby. She would have kissed her internship goodbye and settled for something less for us.

She’s not a selfish person.

She’s not vindictive either.

She was scared and didn’t think she could lean on someone else because she’s never leaned on anyone else before. I bet she was just as confused then as I am now.

How can I feel relief and failure at the same time about the same thing?

The bottom line is: We were young, and she found herself caught in a situation that scared the shit out of her. The universe made the choice for her so she wouldn’t have to.

That little comment about not telling me back then because I would have been disappointed? That’s her parents talking. I know it. Her parents couldn’t afford their rent, let alone her college tuition. She’d busted her ass and got a full ride to college. Guess what her parents did?

Nothing.

No “good job” or “we’re so proud of you.” They made her feel like shit and called her selfish for leaving them on the other side of the country.

I’ll never forget the message I saw on her cell when she graduated. They didn’t even show up for it, the fucking assholes. Instead, they sent her a text saying, “We hope you’re proud of yourself.”

To know she was battling the loss of a pregnancy on top of all that? Jesus fucking Christ, I want to scream.

Hayley likely thought I’d be disappointed that she’d miscarried. As if it was somehow her fault, which isn’t true at all. She couldn’t help what happened. I’d never want her to think that.

Or maybe she thought I’d be disappointed in her because I’d think she’d trapped me.

I wouldn’t have. Not even a little.

Jesus, this is so messed up.

“Look at me,” I growl against Haley’s shoulder. “Turn around and look at me, Angel.” She turns slowly until her back presses against the door I’m still holding closed. “Never again. Do you understand me? Never. Again.”

She doesn’t budge.

“No more secrets. No more running. No more bottling up your fucking feelings. If we’re going to do this, we’ve gotta trust each other, no matter what. And we’re going to be there for each other, no matter what.”

Her chin trembles. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh.” I cup her face and press my forehead to hers. “You didn’t do anything to be sorry for.” She did the only thing she thought she could do. The only thing she knew how to do. “No more running, okay?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says, hiccupping through her quiet sobs. “I promise.” Haley grips my shirt and clings to me. “I’ve done so much work to get myself back to you.”

I loved her when she was a mess. I’ve loved her all the years we’ve been apart. I love her now.

I can’t help it. She’s endgame for me.

“We’re going to start with a clean slate.” Resentment isn’t a feeling I enjoy, and I don’t hold grudges. I can’t change the past, but I can protect our future. “You did what you thought you had to do back then. For better or worse, it’s put us right here, right now. We just have to decide what we’re going to do from this moment forward.”

Haley stares at me, as if waiting for me to decide what that plan should be.

“We need to take things slow.”

“Okay,” she whispers.

“I’m not the same guy I used to be.” She will not get her way just by batting her lashes or wiggling her ass.

“Neither am I.”

“Take that fucking ring off your finger.”

She slips it off and tosses it in the trash like a three-pointer. “Anything else?”

“Yeah.” I lick my lips while staring at her for a heartbeat longer. “Kiss me.”

She presses her mouth to mine, but it’s nothing like what we shared yesterday in her office. This is painful. Slow. Tempered and cautious.

I can’t stand it. Taking control, I show her how it’s done.

When love gives you a second chance, you go all in.

Go big or get off the motherfucking porch.

Threading my fingers in her hair, I deepen our kiss and hold her flush against me. She makes a little moaning noise that sends blood straight to my cock. By the time I’m through kissing her, she can barely stand, which means I hold her up while she catches her breath. “You good?”

“Not hardly,” she pants. “Jesus, where’d you learn to kiss like that?”

“I just told you.” I back up so she can move. “I’m not the same man I was before. Take that as a warning.” The playfulness in my voice still has an edge to it, so I hope she understands what I’m saying.

I could never fuck this woman out of my system, and lord knows I’ve tried. The upside is, I’m damned good at a lot of things now and she’s about to experience all of it. The downside is, she might not be able to handle me anymore.

“Get back out to the booth. Our dinner’s getting cold.”

She nods, biting her lip and I slap her ass hard when she turns around to leave first.

“Get ready, Angel,” I say against the shell of her ear. “Because by the time I’m through with you, you’re not going to sit for a fucking week, let alone walk away from me ever again.”

She looks over her shoulder and arches her brow at me. “Promise?”