60. The deal I made

SIXTY

THE DEAL I MADE

SHEP

Three weeks have passed since I was called over to Harlow’s apartment and while it hasn’t been the easiest, she’s making progress every day.

Her nightmares aren’t as frequent and she’s starting to be comfortable showering on her own. For a while, I had to be there with her during it in case she started to have a panic attack. But my girl is a fighter, and I know she’s going to get through this.

I’m waiting for her outside of Robin’s office and I’m beyond thankful she finally started going back to therapy. She’s back to seeing Robin three times a week. Margot has also been helping me with ways to support Harlow during her time of healing, while also giving me some support myself.

While I know that things will never be the same, I’m hopeful that this new season of life will be better because she will be healed.

We haven’t talked much about things like swimming or him , but instead we’re focusing on spending time together and with our friends and family.

I don’t know if Harlow will be able to swim any time soon and while she’s definitely struggling with that, she also has accepted it and is trying to make her peace with it. I’d love for her to be able to overcome her fear of being under the water in the pool, but something like what she went through isn’t easily overcome.

Coach Bradford and Pierce have been meeting with her periodically to discuss her future, now that it’s pretty clear she won’t be pursuing the Olympics. Every so often, she’ll visibly get upset, but the last meeting she had with them, Coach Bradford offered her a job to come on as the assistant swim coach at Everson next year, if she still wanted to be involved with the sport. Harlow was shocked but also excited because she didn’t want to have to give up swimming entirely. Needless to say, she accepted the position.

The door opens and Harlow walks out with puffy red eyes, but it doesn’t worry me anymore that she cries during therapy. In fact, we are pro-crying around here because it means she’s feeling her emotions and that’s progress.

“Ready?” she asks, reaching for my hand. I take it in mine, smiling at Robin who stands behind her.

We leave the little cabin and head into town. All the lamp posts are decorated with garlands and lights for Christmas and there’s even a chance we might get snow later tonight.

The deal I made with Harlow is if she goes to therapy, I take her to get coffee after. It didn’t take much convincing.

Once I park my truck, I walk around to open the door and she hops out. I love winter Harlow. She looks way too good with a beanie and she also wears her Docs every day, which is my favorite thing about her. Well, one of them.

Today she’s wearing a newer pair that I got for her as an early Christmas gift. I’d been keeping up with the different styles she has and Lennon helped me choose the pair she has on now. They’re like her favorite ones that she typically wears, but have a thicker sole. According to Lennon, they’re platforms, whatever that means.

As we walk toward the coffee shop, I notice her shoelace starting to come undone. “Hold on one second, baby,” I say as I kneel down.

“What’re you doing?” Her eyes go wide.

“Tying your shoe for you,” I respond, putting the lace back into a bow.

When I’m done, I stand up and give her a kiss. We walk into Boulder and she pushes herself into me a little more than normal.

Once word got out that Beckett drowned Harlow, coupled with his accident, there was talk about her throughout the entire town. People would come up to her in public and offer their condolences and the first few times it happened, she had to run off to the bathroom and throw up. I know it’s still not easy for her to go out in town, but it’s another step in the direction of healing for her.

Once we get our coffees, we sit down in the corner on a couch together and she leans her head on my shoulder.

“I want to talk to you about something I mentioned to Robin today and see what you think,” Harlow whispers.

“Okay, I’m all ears.” I take a small sip of my drink.

She sits up, turning to face me and squints like she’s still thinking over her words. “I want you to take me to the crash site vigil they have for…” Her words trail off.

As much as I immediately want to shut this down, I know she’s trying to share something with me, so I try to do my best to listen. “Okay, and why would you want to do that?”

“I was talking to Robin today about forgiveness and acceptance. How sometimes in order for us to move on in life, we have to forgive people and accept what was done to us.” She takes her lip into her mouth and starts to chew on it.

“While I don’t really believe he deserves that, I’m not going to stop you from doing it. What do you gain from it? Closure?” I’m trying to make sense of what she’s telling me but, damn, I’m struggling.

“Yeah, in a way. I don’t know, but I feel like it’s something I want to at least try.” She takes a sip of her cold brew and studies me. I know my reaction to this is paramount, so I swallow my own pride about the situation and agree.

“Okay, can we go now?” she blurts out.

“Now?” I choke on my drink.

“Yeah, now. It’s fresh on my mind and I want you to be with me.” She grabs my hand.

“Harlow, I really don’t know…”

“Please,” she interjects. “For me.”

I shake my head, not knowing how this is going to play out, but I agree anyways.

We get up and head back to my truck, coffee in hand, and I start up the engine before beginning the drive I’m all too familiar with.

The drive that I’ve taken countless times on my own without Harlow knowing, to go and stare at the crash site of a piece of shit who almost took everything from me, cursing and swearing at the wreckage he left.

But if Harlow thinks this will help her, I’ll be damned if I don’t give it a try.