59. Your worst, your best

FIFTY-NINE

YOUR WORST, YOUR BEST

HARLOW

Shep helps me out of the tub and even though I didn’t fully shower, my hair is clean and I guess that’s a start. He steps out into my room leaving me to stare at my reflection in the mirror.

I pick up my brush and start to tear through my hair with it. Each pass tugs on my scalp and the prickling sensation reminds me of that day causing my brush to drop from my hands, making a loud noise that echoes through the bathroom.

Shep runs in with a sweatshirt, a look of panic spreading on his face until he sees the hairbrush on the floor. Dahlia trails behind him but darts over to me when she sees me.

“You brought Dahlia,” I whisper, crouching down to pet her.

“Your sister asked,” Shep responds, reaching his hand out with the sweatshirt in it. “We thought maybe she can put some of her training to use.”

I stand up and turn around, pulling my wet sports bra over my head then bringing the sweatshirt down over me. Once I’m covered, I pull down the shorts I had on and walk past Shep to grab a fresh pair of underwear and sweatpants.

He walks out behind me and sits on my bed. I notice he has my hairbrush and I raise an eyebrow. Dahlia jumps up next to him, looking at me with her puppy eyes.

I crawl on top of the comforter towards the two of them, Dahlia moving to rest her head in my lap. While I rub her head, Shep shifts behind me and slowly starts dragging my brush through my hair.

I don’t fight him on it because I clearly can’t do it and, at this point, he seems to be the only one able to do anything for me without me freaking out.

A twinge of guilt washes over me as I think about the way I treated him in the hospital. I know he didn’t deserve that.

“I’m sorry for what I said in the hospital,” I whisper.

His strokes through my hair become softer and then he stops. “It’s okay,” he leans forward and kisses the side of my face.

“It’s not,” I mumble as he picks up the brush and starts to pull it through my hair again. After another minute of sitting in silence, letting him finish brushing my hair, I lean back into his chest.

He wraps his arms around me and we stay like this, with Dahlia in my lap until I hear a soft knock. Lennon slowly opens my bedroom door and when she sees me with clean, brushed hair, she starts to cry.

“I’m sorry,” she says, holding a hand up to her mouth.

“It’s okay.” I pat the bed and she climbs onto it with Shep, Dahlia, and I.

“Thank you for calling him.” I reach out and lace my fingers through hers.

“If we’d known he was what you needed all along, we would have called him sooner.” She squeezes my hand with hers.

I look at Shep who smiles softly at me. I realize at this moment that while I don’t know what the future looks like for me going forward, if I have Shep and Lennon in my corner, I’ll be okay.

I haven’t been able to think clearly since I woke up in the hospital, but something shifted in me when I got out of the tub earlier and realized I was able to get through that moment, as hard as it was.

I couldn’t say for certain that I’d be able to do it again with ease, but at least I knew I was capable of doing it and that felt like a win for me.

“Is Margot staying?” I say, trying to peer out into the living room to see if she’s out there.

“I told her to go home and rest,” Shep says. “Lennon and I will be here with you tonight.”

My stomach drops and I realize that Shep hasn’t been here to witness my nightmares. My defenses start to rise but I will them away, trying to focus on the peace he was able to bring me just moments ago.

“I know about the nightmares,” he says, as if reading my mind. “I’m not worried about it.”

Lennon smiles and I see relief fill her eyes that this will also be a night for her to truly get some rest too. I hate how much everyone has been affected by what happened.

We all missed Thanksgiving. Lennon and Margot have hardly slept. My parents had to take off work. Everyone’s lives have been disrupted because of me.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Lennon leans forward and kisses my forehead then leaves my room, shutting the door behind her.

I let out a big sigh and lean back into Shep’s lap. He holds me and presses kisses to the top of my head.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I admit and he stills. I sit back up, turning to face him and there’s a pained expression on his face.

“I don’t want to go back through everything because I don’t think it will be good for either of us, but I want to let you know that I was really overwhelmed in the hospital when I told you to leave. And these last few weeks, I’ve been at my worst and I didn’t want you to see me like that either.”

He reaches for my face and cradles it in his hands. “I don’t care if you’re at your worst. I want all of you. Your worst, your best, and every bit in between. I choose you, knowing everything that might come with it and I don’t love you any less. I promise that I’ll keep choosing you, Harlow, because it’ll always be you. In this lifetime and the next.”

His words hit me just as deeply as they did earlier and I know he’s telling the truth. Because who would still be here with me, after everything, if they didn’t mean those words?

My mouth dries as I go to speak, knowing I’m putting my heart on the line, but I need to do it. I need to tell him how I feel. I need to let him in.

“I love you too, Shep. It was the last thing I remember thinking before I blacked out. How I was most upset that I was going to die not having told you that I love you.”

A few tears spill out down my cheeks and Shep pulls me towards him, gently kissing me. When his lips touch mine, I realize how badly I needed him to be here for me during this. Was he really the key to helping me take my first step towards healing?

It wouldn’t surprise me considering over the last few months, whenever I’ve found myself in a place that I didn’t know how to get through, Shep was there to help me. He’s helped me through probably some of the hardest moments of my life and I wish it didn’t take until now to realize just how much I need him.

When he breaks our kiss, he looks at me with an expression that casts hope into my heart and allows me to settle into bed with a small sense of peace. Dahlia curls up in front of me and then I see Shep’s hand come over my side holding something. My blanket.

He tucks it into my chest, then wraps his arm around me. As he holds me, I start to find sleep coming easier now that I’m with him and a simple but powerful thought comes to me before I allow myself to sink into the safety and protection of his arms.

For as many times as I told Shep to leave me alone, he continued to stay because he believed in us. He kept choosing me until I was ready to choose him back.

And I choose Shep.