49. Some serious scheming

FORTY-NINE

SOME SERIOUS SCHEMING

HARLOW

It’s been a little over a week since Halloween and I still haven’t told anyone about the texts. Especially not Shep. How could I?

Things are finally working out for us and we’ve been falling into our own rhythm. I don’t want to lose that, and I also don’t want to let Beck-shit ruin yet another part of my life. I hate keeping this from Shep, but I know he’d make it into a big deal.

I met with Robin a few days ago and almost told her, but I don’t want to feel like all my hard work has been undone. I haven’t gotten any more “Unknown” texts so I’m telling myself that it was a one time occurrence. Just an attempt to get in my head and mess with me, since he no doubt blames me for getting expelled.

But just in case, I’ve made it work to where I’m never alone, whether Shep is at my place or I’m at his. We’ve spent the last week together when I haven’t been in class or at practice, so I feel safe. With break coming up and our families living nearby, we planned to just stay at my apartment. Lennon is going home for the week to see her mom and grandma so it’ll be just us. We haven’t talked about how we’re going to spend the actual day of Thanksgiving, but I’m sure it will come up.

After finishing another PT session with Pierce, I’m lying on the training table doing a few more rotations of my shoulders before I have my next evaluation to officially get cleared to swim butterfly. I’m so excited, I could jump out of my skin.

Even though I’ve been cleared to race, it won’t feel like I’m fully back until I get to swim fly again. My last few practices, I’ve been able to do the stroke without stopping or feeling any pain. Coach Bradford now wants me to race against myself. He said that if I can come within five seconds of my typical race time, he’ll let me swim butterfly at the next meet.

While there’s a twinge of nervousness, I feel confident. I feel like I can do this. I know I can do this. I was made to swim butterfly.

Pierce comes back into the room with an ice pack and works to wrap it onto my shoulder. The touch of the ice sends shivers down my body and I quickly pull the sweatshirt I stole from Shep over my head.

Once I’m bundled up and ready to leave, I grab my phone and send off a text to Lennon to see if she’s ready to meet up. We made plans to study at the library before practice. When I get to my car, she texts back that she’s running late but will meet me there.

I’m just about to start my car when I notice someone walking towards the sports medicine entrance. I duck down in my car, peering over the dash, watching my sister sheepishly go inside. There’s literally no reason for her to be here, other than… Pierce.

My mouth gapes open and for the life of me, I cannot even begin to think of why she would be here unless something is going on that I don’t know about. I half consider going back inside to see if I can catch the two of them talking, but my phone starts ringing, interrupting my scheming thoughts.

“Shep, this is not a good time.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I just caught Margot going into the building that Pierce works in and there’s something going on between the two of them, I just don’t know what.”

He laughs on the other end of the line.

“This isn’t funny. I was about to do some serious scheming,” I chirp back.

“Is this another fun characteristic of yours? Scheming?”

I gasp in a playful tone. “I don’t know if I should answer that. I may need to use it to my advantage with you.”

“Shit, I hope not.” He laughs. “I was just calling because Mom wants to know if you would like to come over for Thanksgiving.”

There it is.

“I was wondering about that,” I admit.

“She said to let her know what time your family does Thanksgiving and she’ll plan around that.”

My heart warms at the consideration of Shep’s mom. She’s been such a healing presence in my life and while I have momentary flashes of guilt that I might be closer to her than my own mom, Robin assures me that sometimes we go through seasons of life where we’re closer to other people than our own family, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Okay, I’ll let you know. Thanks for thinking of me.”

“ Of course ,” he’s quick to respond. “ You know you’re basically like family .”

I snort. “Not as your sister though, I hope.”

“God, no,” he retorts and I can almost see his grimace through the phone.

I burst out laughing. “I know. I just wanted to hear your reaction.”

“Well, never again. I gotta run but text me later, okay? You’ll come over after practice?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Great. See you later, baby.”

“See ya.”

I hang up the phone, a smile playing on my lips.

After a chunk of time spent buried in our books, Lenny and I pack up our things and head to the student athlete center. When we get there, Coach Bradford is waiting for me. He calls me over and I tell Lennon to go ahead to the locker room without me.

“Feeling up for a race?” He gestures to the pool with his clipboard.

“Today? Butterfly?” I stumble over my words in disbelief.

He nods his head. “Spoke to Pierce earlier and he thinks you’re good to go. So if you’re ready, then I’m ready.”

I don’t even respond, turning on my heels and darting into the locker room. I quickly change and get my stuff, heading back out to the pool. I meet Coach Bradford by the lane where he holds up a stopwatch.

“You know your time to beat?”

“Yes, sir.” I pull my goggles over my head, then my swim cap.

“Alright. Why don’t you do a few laps to warm up then let’s do this.” He motions to the pool and walks over to sit down on one of the chairs by the back wall.

I waste no time diving into the water and start warming up. After my fourth lap of freestyle, I can’t contain my excitement so I pull myself out of the pool and yell, “I’m ready!”

Getting up on the diving block, I take a deep breath. Lennon walks out of the locker room with a few of my teammates and shouts out encouragement for me.

Coach Bradford talks me through my start and the second I dive into the water, my legs start dolphin kicking. When I finally break the surface to take my first stroke, it’s like my body immediately takes over and I start to propel myself out of the water with ease.

The movements of butterfly come to me with muscle memory and I feel stronger than ever. When I touch the wall and turn to swim back, I forget I’m even being timed. I’m lost in the motion of my favorite stroke, my passion, and part of me doesn’t even care if I don’t make it to the wall in time. Right now, I feel so good. I just want to keep swimming.

When I touch the wall to complete the race, I brace myself for the results. Lennon and my team are cheering on the pool deck still and Coach Bradford is still staring at the stopwatch.

Shit.

I lift my goggles up, resting them on my forehead and swim over to the lane rope. “How bad?” I call out to Coach.

“You did it.” He grins and I don’t know if I believe him.

I get out of the water and walk over to look at the stopwatch myself.“No way,” I mutter, as the time stares back at me.

“You were solid out there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you swim that strong before. It was like your body was moving in perfect sync with your strokes.” Coach Bradford beams at me and I can tell he’s proud.

We finish up our practice and I’m on another level. I can’t believe I get to start swimming butterfly again at our meets. As I leave the athletic center, I text Shep to let him know that I’ll be at his place soon. When I get there, he’s outside with Dahlia and she’s wearing a pink sweater. I hop out of my car and walk over to them.

“Isn’t that something,” I comment, giggling.

“Guess who got it for her?” Shep responds, rolling his eyes.

“Momma?” I bend down and pet Dahlia who’s always excited to see me.

“Mhm,” he hums in playful annoyance.

We head into the townhouse and settle onto the couch. In addition to being a criminal justice major, Shep is also obsessed with true crime. This means that whenever we spend time together, we usually end up watching some sort of murder documentary. I find them interesting, but it does give me the heebie-jeebies at certain parts.

At some point, Wes comes in the front door but promptly goes into his room. I don’t know if he and Lennon have made up since Halloween, but they haven’t been seeing each other so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

She told me in the car that night how Wes made a comment that he doesn’t date and it only affirmed my suspicions that, despite her saying over and over again she didn’t like him and things between them were “casual,” there was a bit of hope inside her that he would try to prove her wrong.

I don’t know much about Wes, other than the few things he’s mentioned in passing and the things Shep has said, but I can see something between the two of them. It’s hard to know they’re likely both missing each other but just not telling the other.

When the documentary ends, Shep asks if I’ll make him my Harlow Hug Pasta. He’s had me make it for him more times than I can count since the first time. I don’t mind, because cooking for people is like a love language for me.

While I’m in the kitchen, Shep comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Resting his chin on my shoulder, he watches me stir the noodles. We sway together in the silence and the guilt starts gnawing at me again that I haven’t told him about Beckett. I’ve thought about maybe just going to his dad, but I don’t want to involve someone else in keeping this secret.

If our feelings for each other weren’t growing so much, maybe I wouldn’t feel that tug of needing to be honest. There are so many things that have happened in just a short amount of time between Halloween and now that only affirm our connection and chemistry. I find myself thinking about our future together, and the fear of losing that because of Shep detaching himself to focus on finding Beckett or something, motivates my decision to just keep it to myself.

It’s hard for me to understand my feelings sometimes because I have such a distorted view of relationships and even love. I would say that the way Shep makes me feel is comparable to that of the books I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and songs I’ve listened to. There’s an ease and simplicity to spending time with him. Falling into the routine of staying the night with one another and there’s still no pressure to rush into sex which has made me feel like he genuinely likes me for me.

Even though Beckett and I didn’t have much of a sex life, it was always something he used to try and validate the depth of our relationship. “Well if you really love me, then show me.” Other comments similar to that play in my mind, and I realize that was just another way for him to manipulate me into giving him the control he wanted over me.

Shep and I have definitely gotten close to having sex a few nights because wow, the desire and attraction is definitely there, but again, the guilt of hiding something from him has kept me from being completely intimate with him.

After we eat dinner, the thought of talking to Shep about what happened pops up again and I don’t know if I can actually keep this secret. The more time passes, the more it’s on my mind. Hell, I’ve spent the last half hour thinking about it, and hardly paid any attention to Shep. He’s definitely noticed something isn’t right, but I’ve shrugged it off to something swim or school related. It hurts to know that I’m deceiving him while he so blindly trusts me.

Once the kitchen is cleaned up, we head into his room for the night. Dahlia jumps up onto the bed and waits for us to join her. I hover by his desk while Shep walks over to his dresser and starts to pull his sweatshirt over his head.

“If I haven’t said it enough lately, I’m so happy you’re here, Harlow.”

His words crush me and I can’t do it. I can’t hold it in any longer and I blurt it out.

“Beckett texted me.”