42. The elephant in the room for me

FORTY-TWO

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM FOR ME

HARLOW

Shep Fords is in my apartment and with him have come a variety of feelings that I can’t process. Worry, excitement, doubt, lust, fear, desire, and so many other emotions take turns working their way through me. But the one I was most scared of, panic, has yet to make an appearance.

Cooking for him was a means to take back some control of the situation. I lost it in the truck with him, when he opened the door for me and buckled me in, leaving me speechless. The way Shep cares for me makes me wonder how I ever tolerated Beckett’s behavior.

Shep is kind without trying. He’s gentle and protective, and his feelings for me are palpable. Sitting at my dining table with him, our hands interlocked, I’m wrestling with insecurities and lies that have taken up residence in my mind thanks to one particular asshole.

I want to be honest with Shep about how I feel and the things that I think about, but I can’t until we address the elephant in the room for me. I want to know what happened the night of formal.

Details have still been sparse and, while I saw a clip of the video, it doesn’t answer my questions, so I decide to be blunt and come out with it.

“I want to talk about the fight.”

Shep clears his throat and lets go of my hand. Pushing the plate away from him, he rests his elbows on the table and rubs his hands down his face.

“Harlow, I don’t think that’s wise. Besides, there’s not much to say. Was there probably a better time and place to confront Beckett? Yeah, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion after finding out he was the reason you got hurt. Are we going to talk about that?”

My stomach drops. “I don’t know if I want to.”

He pushes away from the table and reaches for my plate, walking them over to the sink. “Yeah, and I don’t know if I want to rehash all the details about the fight.”

An idea comes to my mind that seemed to work before with Margot. Maybe if I decide to be open with him, he will be open with me, so I push myself and take back the conversation.

“How did you find out it was Beckett who caused my injury?”

Shep places the dirty dishes in the sink and walks back over to me. Kissing my forehead, he looks into my eyes. “Dinner was great, thank you again.”

“I’m serious, Shep. How did you find out?”

He groans and walks over to the counter, leaning back against it and crossing his arms against his chest. The action makes his muscles pop out and I temporarily lose my train of thought.

“Pierce texted me that he saw what Beckett did, so I know there’s a video.”

Shep’s face pales. “Okay, yeah. When we were at formal, I went through our security footage from the night of the party.”

I nod my head. “Well, I guess it maybe would have come out one way or another. It was so stupid too. That night? He was upset with me because I didn’t want to take shots with him, but he was already hammered and I’m sure you’ve gathered he’s not the nicest drunk.”

Shep only grunts in response, clearly getting worked up.

I walk towards him and tap on his arms for him to open up. When he does, I nestle into the space between his legs, placing my hands on his chest and peer up at him. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. I just…”

“What? You might as well just say it at this point.” Shep’s tone causes me to pull away.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Harlow. Wait,” he puts a hand behind my back and holds me in place. “I’m not upset with you, it’s just talking about him and thinking about how long you were with him, it makes my mind jump to the worst conclusions about what you went through.”

“Oh,” I whisper. It’s obvious that Shep’s feelings for me cloud his judgment at times. I don’t fault him for that, but it only makes the one part of the night I’ve been struggling with feel more confusing.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” I blurt out.

“What? That’s what you’ve been hung up on? It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It is to me,” I respond, my tone insistent.

“Harlow, it’s?—”

“Why did you just take it?” I cut him off. “I don’t understand.”

“Because I didn't want to be like him, Harlow!” His words come out strangled with emotion and my breath catches in my throat.

“I didn’t want to be like him. I didn't want you to see me the way you do him—violent and incapable of resolving things without using my hands.” He tries to pull away from me and directs his gaze into the distance.

“Shep...” I move my hand to keep his on my back. I don’t want him to let me go.

Letting out a large sigh, he rubs his free hand over his face and I can tell he’s struggling with the confrontation.

“I could never think of you and see him.” My words have him snapping his attention back on me.

“Harlow, you don’t have to?—”

“No, I’m serious, Shep. Let me say this.”

He bows his head and I reach for him, picking his face back up to meet my stare.

“I know that I haven’t been easy to deal with, okay? I know that I’ve been a real bitch to you at times, but it’s because I couldn’t understand the way you treated me. All I’ve known for the last couple years is manipulation and hurt and all these terrible feelings. And then you come in and make me question everything. Sure, maybe those feelings scared me too, but not the way he did. They scared me because they challenged me and made me wonder if I deserved better than what I was getting. But listen to me when I say this, I was never and will never be scared of you, Shep. Do you hear me? I will never think of him when I see you. You are the best thing to ever?—”

His lips crash onto mine and everything around us stills. I forget all the words I had practiced to say to him and I’m lost in the frenzy of his kisses. It isn’t gentle, but it isn’t forceful. He isn’t taking, he’s giving. I feel every emotion from him being poured into me.

Shep kisses me like he’s trying to heal all of the hurt I’ve endured. Like if there was a way for him to give back every piece of my soul I’ve lost through his kisses, he wouldn’t ever stop trying.

Suddenly he pulls back, “Harlow, wait. I’m sorry I didn’t?—”

This time I silence him with my lips and jump up to wrap my legs around his waist. He slips one hand under my ass and the other around the back of my neck, holding me in place against him.

I slowly move my tongue into his mouth and when his slides over mine I can’t help but whimper.

He pulls away again, but this time leans forward and starts to kiss right below my ear. “You’re going to drive me crazy if you keep making sounds like that, baby girl.”

His words do nothing but cause another pathetic whimper to leave my lips. I’ve never felt like this before in my life with another guy. It’s like I don’t have control over the way my body is reacting, but for once, not having control feels freeing because I’m with Shep. I know I’m safe with him.

He meets my lips again and continues kissing me, while walking us towards my room. When we finally make it to the edge of my bed, he lays me down.

With his body hovering over mine, I run my fingers through his hair and tug on it to pull him into me more. A low rumble leaves his chest and he bites my lip in response.

“Harlow,” he says in between kisses. “Harlow, wait.”

I gaze at him wantonly. “What is it?”

“I don’t want you to think I’m trying?—”

I kiss him before he can finish his sentence, speaking through breaths. “I don’t think you’re trying to sleep with me.”

He leans away and runs his thumb over the bottom of my lip that’s now swollen and puffy. “I just want to make sure. I know you’re still working through things and I don’t want to push you.”

I sit up on my elbows and press my forehead to his, closing my eyes. “I don’t ever feel like I’m in a rush with you, and actually, I find that when I’m around you, I don’t mind going slow.”

“Good, because I want to take my time with you.” Shep lays me back down and peppers my neck with soft kisses.

When he meets my lips again, I latch onto him and we stay like this for what feels like hours. Kissing each other senseless, leaving small marks on each other’s necks, and intertwining our souls. When I start to lose feeling in my lips, I pull back and stare into Shep’s eyes. His pupils are blown out and hazy with desire.

“Can you stay? If you want, I mean. I don’t know if Dahlia’s okay, but I was hoping maybe we could just sleep together tonight.”

I bite my bottom lip unsure of what his response will be.

“I’d love nothing more than to spend the night with my girl.”

A smile graces my lips and he rolls over onto his back, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Let me just check with Wes that he’s going to be home tonight. I’m assuming so since you’re home alone.” He gives me a knowing look and raises his eyebrows.

I laugh, rolling on top of him and crossing my arms on his chest. Resting my chin on my forearms so we’re eye level, I study Shep’s features. He still has a small scar on his forehead from the fight and it makes my stomach knot up.

As if he knows where my gaze is, he reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You have to let it go.” His eyes are warm and reassuring when I finally look at him. “Wes said he’s good to take care of Dahlia tonight. Do you want to watch a movie or anything?”

I wiggle on top of him and can feel he’s still hard. While there’s a tight coiling sensation growing in my core that I really want to explore with him, I know that I need to take things slow.

“Sure, a movie and maybe some more kissing. If that’s okay with you.”

Wasting no time, Shep rolls me back over and his lips find mine immediately. I reach for the hem of his shirt and start to pull it over his head.

“Harlow, wait?—”

“I just want to feel your body. You’ve got all these muscles and I’ve stared at them for long enough. I won’t get ahead of myself,” I whisper, finally tugging his shirt off and tossing it to the side of my bed.

“Okay, but…”

“Shep, I’m okay. I just want to be close to you. I’ve wanted this for a while and I’m ready to be with you like this.” I reach down and pull my sweatshirt over my head, thanking all the stars in the universe I’m wearing a lace bra, that I may or may not have purposely packed for after the meet.

Shep groans and I watch his eyes move over my frame, licking his lips like he’s ready to devour me. A shiver runs through my body at the thought and his eyes light up when he notices.

I reach for his hand and slowly move it until it’s on top of my bra.

“Harlow,” he groans, biting down on his lip.

“Shep.” I lock my eyes with his. “I trust you.”