Chapter 11

Chapter

Eleven

I don't wake up in my room. In fact, I wake up on the cliff edge, sitting, looking out at the sea with my hair down and blowing around me. I'm soaked from the drizzling rain, and I know I've been out for hours. Maybe all night. As usual, I don't remember anything. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My eyes widen as I look down at my hands, which are too clean and smell like bleach. There might not be blood on my fingertips, but I know, without any doubt in my mind, that my Nexus went hunting last night without my permission. What the fuck happened to make it do that? We are usually in agreement.

My Nexus is sleeping, feeling tired and content in my chest. The last thing I remember is going to sleep and Finn was in his bear form, asleep on my floor. Then, nothing. Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap. Alarms start blasting off in the castle, along with a message to gather in the entrance hall. I quickly climb to my feet and turn, blessing the Gods for giving me the luck of having no one else around this early. The sun hasn't risen yet, only making my heart patter faster as I worry about what the alarm is for.

Did my monster hunt in the castle? Did it kill someone I know? I try to calm myself down, hating that I'm in my pyjamas and nothing else as I slip into the castle and shut the door behind me. My feet are dirty, like I've been running through mud, and I can smell my wolf all over me. What did she do?

Thankfully, I'm soon lost in the crowds of rangers, and everyone else is in their pyjamas, so I don't look out of place. Literally everyone is flooding out of their rooms and into the entrance hall until it's crammed to the brink. I sense someone staring right at me, even in a packed crowd, and my eyes drift up to find Finn is at the top of the stairs. He is wearing tight black shorts and no shirt. No. Shirt. My mouth completely drops open as I run my eyes down his toned chest and flat, muscular stomach. There are grooves from the top of his hips down, and there is a line of dark hair dipping into his shorts. He has to be the fittest man I've ever seen.

My Nexus all but bends over and begs him to take us. Fuck her. Finnegan is a psychopath and hates me. His blue eyes narrow and he storms towards me. Time to hide or leave. I scoot through the crowd to the back, near a wall where there is a door.

Tutor Jettie, followed by Finnegan's father, Edvard, stops at the top of the stairs. Everyone immediately goes silent as Edvard's voice rings out. "There was another attack last night by a Vian in the city. I'm sure you're all hearing about it from your family members, but I want you to know that the castle is perfectly secure and safe." Nope, it's not. The monster is right here in the crowds. "No Vian has breached our walls, and no one came in or out last night. We've double-checked this, and the magic speaks the same."

Finnegan's hand wraps around my upper arm, and I jump. He leans down, his hot breath blowing in my ear. "Where the fuck did you go last night, and how did you get past me?"

I flash him an innocent smile. "I went for a walk. That doesn't break the rules, does it, Tutor Finnegan?"

He growls, but his father is still speaking, and I turn away from him.

"We'll be sending our best rangers out into the city to investigate, and there will no doubt be more restrictions put in place by the Supreme Alpha. Your families are safe and none of you have leave to visit them, but for the next hour, you are excused to make phone calls. I know many of you will be worried about your families, but we must trust in the Gods to guide us. All will be well, and we will carry on classes as normal."

"Who was killed?" a man shouts out before Edvard can walk off.

He clears his throat. "Ian Castleton was found dead this morning."

Sara's Nexus mate was killed. The name makes my stomach feel like it's going to drop out onto the floor, and my Nexus is downright smug. It all makes sense now. She went hunting for him and took over. My monster is a living form of feminine rage, and while I don't mind that fucker being dead, she has to be more careful. We usually go hunting in the bigger cities where it's easy to find men who make my monster look like a fairytale. But Nexus? She hasn't hunted one of our own kind before, and it doesn't bode well for me. Ian deserved to die, but why does it always have to be me? I don't want to be a murderer anymore. I don't want to be a monster. I suck in a deep breath, feeling the walls closing in around me, and I gasp.

Finnegan frowns at me, his hand tightening on my arm. His touch feels normal, like something to grasp onto in the shadows of my mind. "What's wrong with you?"

"She is having a panic attack." Alek is there, wrapping his arm around my waist and opening the door behind me. Finnegan follows us in, but I focus on my breathing, on the feeling of my heart beating so fast. Breathe, Gwen. I push away from Alek and rush to the other side of the classroom, yanking the window open and finally breathing when the cold air hits me.

They both are silent as I try to stop shaking. My knuckles are pure white as I grip the window until everything stops spinning. I can't be weak in front of them. I can't freak out. My mother used to punish me for having panic attacks, taught me they are a sign of weakness, and with what I am, I can't ever be weak like that. Get it together, Gwen. Finnegan meets my eyes first when I turn, with nothing but cold indifference in his blue pits. "Where were you last night?"

"Finn—" Alek goes to defend me, and I hate that he does. I do not deserve to be protected like a doe when I'm the hunter.

"I didn't want to sleep in the same room as you, so I went walking," I answer, lifting my head up high. "Your bear snores."

"Fucking liar," Finnegan snarls at me. "Didn't anyone ever teach you not to lie to your Nexus mate? I can see right through you."

I snarl right back. "You are not my mate. I fucking rejected you, and it's not fair I have to put up with you all the goddamn time!"

Finnegan storms out, slamming the door shut so hard it shakes the wall.

Aleksander stares at me, his arms crossed tight. "You don't have to be scared. No one will touch you. We made a mistake in the shopping centre and risked you, but we have made sure no one will get close again. Can you tell me why they came after you?"

A half-truth slips out. "Because of you five. You make me a target, and you always will do." His eyes splinter with pain, and my shoulders drop. "But that's the Gods' fault for making this bond between us all. I know I'm safe here, and thank you for trying to be kind. I never got to say sorry about your family you lost."

"Thank you," his gravelly voice washes over me. "The men I call brother and you are all the family I have left now. I will keep you safe, Gwen. Even if you hate me forever."

I want to scream that I don't hate him. I really don't. We stare at each other, seconds ticking along as tension screams between us. He walks over to me, and I don't move. I don't dare make a sound. I can't find the strength to stop him as his lips crash into mine, parting and seeking, and devouring, all in the same breath. I gasp as he kisses me, his hands digging into my rain-soaked hair and roughly gripping me so I can't break away. I can't run from him.

I wouldn't anyway.

My hands grip his jacket as he parts my lips and sinks his tongue into my mouth, and I feel him harden against my stomach. The door is opened, and Alek pulls away from me, his eyes flashing dark as a sound vibrates from his chest.

A Nexus growl.

Was that really Alek, or was it his Nexus kissing me? Finnegan walks in with Tutor Jettie right behind him, both of them pausing. I can't read Finnegan's expression, but Tutor Jettie goes bright pink. "Are we interrupting a very unlawful moment in a castle on holy ground, Tutor Aleksander?"

Alek looks back at me with surprise. This time he seems more himself. "Do you remember yet?"

Remember what? The confusion on my face only makes him look disappointed in me, and it hurts. That was my first kiss, and he already hates me. Aleksander turns to Tutor Jettie. "She is mine, and I'll kiss her whenever the fuck I want. Find another tutor if you have a problem with it."

"Aleksander, you know the rules you have to follow because of—" I don't hear the end of Tutor Jettie's frustrated shout as they both slip out of the room.

Mine ? Did he really just say that, and why do I like hearing it so much?

Finnegan nods to the door. "Go get dressed. You're done for the day, and you are coming with me."

"No, thank you," I snap. That's why he was with Tutor Jettie. He was getting her permission to take me out of the academy. "Spending any time with you sounds like hell."

"Then we are both in hell, Sun. It's been arranged by my father and the other tutors," he growls right back. "I will meet you at the bottom of the stairs in fifteen minutes."

I call Finnegan a whole load of nasty names while storming up the stairs and simultaneously wondering where the hell he is taking me. But whatever Finnegan is up to is the least of my never-ending problems. What if someone saw me in the city hunting? I know my Nexus is smart, but she can be reckless and rash on her hunts, and she has never been let loose in a city like this before. We hunt humans, not Nexus. Never our own kind.

I'm a monster and they should kill me.

Already feeling tired, I quickly shower and notice how much mud is on my feet, splattered up my lower legs. There is no way Finnegan and Alek didn't spot it, and I don't think they believed me. There's still bear fur all over my floor, which is nothing but irritating at this point when it's from Finnegan. I grab my clothes and quickly get changed, braiding my hair down my back.

I find Finnegan outside the front of the academy, with a group of girls watching and giggling a few feet away. I eye them as I walk past, where Finnegan is waiting on a beefed-up quad bike. He looks incredible in a black helmet and a black leather jacket I want to steal. But the bike…

"I'm not getting on that," I protest, standing close. "I'm certain you will throw me off it just for shits and giggles."

He pats the seat behind him. "If I wanted to hurt or kill you, Sun, that would be a boring way to do it. Get on."

"Glad to know you're creative when you hurt others. Must you be amused too?" I glare at him.

With no expression on his face, Finn holds the black helmet out to me. I still don't trust him, and I don't think I ever fully will, but I put on the helmet he offers me and get on the bike. It's freezing and I have to cling to his jacket as he speeds through the academy grounds and out of the open gates. Finnegan drives like a mad person, soon leaving the flat road for the off-track dirt road that goes around the edges of the city. I don't know why I bothered showering as mud sprays up my black leggings, and soon, I look as bad as I did before.

It doesn't take me long to recognise the street that I was on when I ran away from my mates, even if I did run and not look at it all that much. It's perfect. The kind of street a family of four would live on as their kids play in the big garden and their parents watch on. Picket fences, perfect fake green lawns, and big oak trees are dotted everywhere with their big branches casting shadows for kids to hide in. It's stupidly big, their home, and as we drive up, I can see more of it than I did last time.

Finnegan parks in the driveway next to Onyx's shiny black, boring car. There is another car next to it, one I don't know, but I assume it may be Hollis's. It's a red, ridiculously in-your-face type of sports car that I would immediately mark the owner of as the kind of guy who tries way too hard.

Finn doesn't help me off or wait for me as he turns the engine off and just leaves me. I quickly race after him, only pausing in the entranceway. The last time I was here, Onyx locked me up, and he might have apologised, but I don't know if he will change his mind. His power would make it too easy to lock me away, and my Nexus wouldn't be drugged up and content like last time. She would lose her shit and so would I.

Is that why Finnegan brought me here? So Onyx can lock me up again? Finn looks back and somehow, he just knows. "I'm not going to trap you in here. Neither is Onyx."

"How—"

"You scream your thoughts, and apparently my Nexus likes to listen more than just when we are sleeping. I've never once lost control of him, but when you're here, he doesn't listen. Another reason I hate you." Bitterness leaks into his words. "You belong to the academy now. Remember how even we can't take you? Not that you ever did belong to us."

I push down the insult. "You can hear my thoughts? How the fuck do you turn that off?"

"Not me, my fucking Nexus because of our bond and your dreamwalking. That power has somehow bled over to my Nexus, who likes to take advantage of the chance to get close to you," he snaps. "And I don't like it either. It only happens when you're scared…like now." He raises an eyebrow. "Like this morning, too."

My cheeks burn under his intense stare. What did he hear? Onyx thankfully turns up right on time and saves me from having to ask if he heard me then. If he heard my thoughts this morning. Because if he did, I'm screwed. If he knows, I'd have to ask why exactly I'm not locked up and about to be executed. He would be free then, and my monster is a perfect excuse. "I'm glad you decided to not leave her at the academy, Finn. I would have made the same choice."

"Everywhere is dangerous today," Finnegan murmurs, watching me too closely. Onyx steps fully into the sunlight, which bounces off his dark hair and makes his eyes look like black water. He has a denim jacket thrown over a light blue shirt and jeans. Casual, for Onyx at least. I think I prefer him like this. "I'd rather she was being watched by you while I'm not there."

"Where are you going?" I ask, ignoring the warm feeling in my chest from their protectiveness.

Finnegan walks out, and Onyx shakes his head. "Finn is investigating the death and hunting the Vian in the city. My father hired him because he is the best and the other rangers are fucking clueless."

"I want to go with him." I step back. "Can we?"

He frowns. "You want to see a crime scene?" When I nod, he sighs and pulls the door shut behind him as he steps out. He shouts, "Finnegan, we are going with you. We'll take my car."

Finnegan is putting his helmet on, but he takes it off, frowning at us both as he walks back our way. "You sure it's a good idea to bring her?"

" Her is right here and I can speak for myself. I want to go and not be stuck in this house where you locked me up," I interrupt before they start mansplaining my own feelings.

Finnegan and Onyx look between each other, in the way only people who trust each other and are close can, before agreeing to let me come with them. I wait while Onyx makes some calls and grabs his keys, and Finnegan paces outside the front door like he can't stay still for even a second. I lean on the doorframe. "Why did your bear demand to sleep in my room?"

Finnegan pauses mid step and turns his devastating blue eyes on me, only to change the subject so I'm uncomfortable. "Isn't it strange how the girl who was in your room last night, crying, ends up with her mate dead the next morning?" He cocks his head, a predator watching the prey he just cornered. "We can both start asking shit questions if you want. Don't for a second think that because my Nexus decided to camp out in your room it means anything. I still fucking hate you, and I always will."

"We will take my car," Onyx announces, walking out and shutting the door behind him, completely unaware of the staring contest he just broke between Finn and me. He knows it was me. He has to, but why isn't he telling everyone else?

I plaster a playful, lying smile on my face to hide the freak-out going on inside. "Do you have another car?"

Finnegan looks back on his way to the driveway. "You don't like his car, Sun?"

He smirks at that before hiding it and turning away. Onyx looks between us, his eyes asking a million questions. I choose to sit in the back, while the two of them talk about classes, Supreme Alpha politics, and more boring crap the entire drive. After about half an hour, Onyx parks outside one of the towers in the centre of the city. The area's been completely cordoned off with yellow tape, and the minute I get out, I know why. The flowers are dead in bushes all outside of the tower. The stone itself doesn't even look brown anymore—it's grey. If I could slap my own Nexus, I would right now. This was a foolish mistake.

My heart races as Onyx opens the door for me, and after getting out, I follow them over to where the tape has begun. He frowns. "This must be a strong Vian. He's even drained the life out of the flowers."

Finn leans down, picks a flower, and spins the grey daisy in his palm. "Why bother? They don't usually do that. In fact, I've never seen reports of them being able to drain anything other than living beings." Finn crushes the flower in his palm, and I feel like he might as well be showing me what he will do to me when he figures everything out.

Onyx only sighs, lifting the tape and holding it for me to step through. "Another thing to add to the growing list of their talents. Including how they got in the city in the first place and through the wards." Finn walks through the tape, ripping it like it's not there, and heads straight to the door of the tower. The rangers bow their heads like he is their king, and I roll my eyes. Onyx touches my arm. "You can stay out here with the rangers. I've heard it's not a pretty sight."

"Blood and gore haven't bothered me in years."

"When you tell me truths like that, sometimes I wish it was a lie," he murmurs, but he takes me with him to the doors. If he had any clue how much I lie, he wouldn't ask for any more lies. My heart pounds as we step through the glass doors that have been shattered and into a silent entrance hall. Ian's apartment is on the first floor, and there is a line of blood leading from the plain entrance hall to a black door that is wedged open.

I almost don't want to look at what my Nexus did, but I look anyway. I walk through the door and see the absolute wreck. There's not an inch of the wall that doesn't have blood splattered all over it, and what is left of him has been ripped apart. He's been drained, but she tortured him first. Scared him.

Finn stands silent in the centre of the room. He touches the blood on the nearest wall with a fingertip before popping it into his mouth. I wince. "I would put money on this being personal. Maybe a psychotic Vian who likes murder too. This was painful, dragged out for hours. The room must have been soundproofed somehow with magic, because otherwise, neighbours would have heard. This…this is different to any known Vian I've hunted."

"It's a monster," I whisper.

Finn looks over at me with pure suspicion, and his eyes search mine before he looks away with a tight jaw. "I'm going to start categorising all the body parts and make a report for the Supreme Alpha. Wait outside."

Onyx turns me to leave, but he pauses by the door. He leans down and picks something up. Only when he holds it in the light does true fear smack into my heart. A grey strand of fur. "Finnegan."

Finn is at his side in a second, plucking the grey strand out of his fingers. "Wolf. Grey. Not any known in the city."

"No, there wouldn't be. Grey is an extremely rare colour," Onyx agrees.

"But maybe someone unregistered is helping a Vian. Working with them," Finn suggests.

"It makes more sense," Onyx is saying, but I can't focus on anything but my feet walking out of the apartment. I need fresh air. Onyx jogs to my side, his hand falling to the middle of my back and guiding me out. He doesn't know it, but that one simple touch relaxes me enough that I stop shaking. Four official-looking Nexus rangers are waiting in the entrance hall, and Onyx leans into me. "Wait outside. I won't be long. Don't wander off on your own. Not when there's a murderer around on the streets. Not when they come after you."

"You don't know they're after me."

He smiles softly at me. "Yes, we do."

I feel the rangers' eyes on me as I walk out before I can hear them investigating anything more. The broken tape flickers in the wind, but everything else is silent as I let the breeze blow around me. "There you are, Gwenieve." I turn at the old, earthy voice and find my grandmother standing on the other side of the tape. "I was hoping I'd find one of your mates here and he could get me into the castle, but it looks like we just ran into each other because the Gods wished it."

I look at my grandmother and I hope to feel something about my only remaining family—I don't. I can't see much of myself in her. She's tall, willowy almost. Used to have red hair, but now it's all grey. She is all skin and bones in a black suit, like she's mourning. Her wrinkled face barely moves as she watches me. Her eyes find mine, her dark brown eyes. "Can we talk…alone?" she asks.

I nod and walk with her a few feet away from the building and the ears of the rangers. "What do you want?"

She bristles. "Still as lovely a child as you were back then. All grown up now, though. You look like your mother."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You shouldn't." Cold temper runs through her words. "I'm here to warn you that it doesn't matter if you're back. You might as well have stayed gone and dead like I hoped. Everything is mine because you cursed us. I lost my family because of you." She taps her foot. "I was barely able to even make friends after hearing of your rejection. Your parents running away with you was a slap to the face and dishonoured our family name and line. I know that you somehow convinced them to take you away. I don't care how you did it, or why you did it, other than being a selfish little girl. All you should know is that you need to stay away, because where you go, death and misery follow."

Tears burn in my eyes. She is right. "I?—"

She points her finger into my face. "I'll make sure you're never seen in Starlight if you so much as dare come near my estate or use my family name. You're dead to me."

A warm, firm hand wraps around my waist as Onyx steps up to my side. Whatever look he gives my grandmother has her dropping her finger and stepping back. "You're going to not say another word to her or about her ever again, Lexandria." Fury captures each word and so, so much possessiveness.

I know I should push him away, but I'd just like for a moment to let him hold me. To have someone fight for me rather than running. I need to have one person who does not hate me. Loving me is impossible, but maybe, just maybe, he can be the one that doesn't hate me. Even then, no one can hate me as much as I hate myself. My grandmother is right. I am a disgrace to my family.

"I would carefully remind you that there were wills put in place by her parents. She is to solely inherit everything. You are married into the family, and you have no biological descendants. By the laws of Starlight, Gwen is due everything and you are not family." I'd almost forgotten that fact that we aren't actually related. "I'm aware that you brought him up, but his father left everything to him, and he left everything to Gwen. Therefore, she is the sole inheritor of the title, the house, the money, all of it. When she wants it, she can simply kick you out. That is Starlight rules. Whether she's a stain on your family name or not, it belongs to her."

"Biologically means nothing!" She changes her tune like a pro. "The real mother was a housemaid who slept with him, knowing he was arranged to marry me. Our Nexus bond only kicked in years later. That wench died in childbirth, and I took in the baby as my own. Out of honour for my mate, of course I brought him up, raised him as my own. We couldn't have children, we found out later, and he didn't like how I preferred your father was kept in boarding school within the city for the entire year except holidays. He was always running amuck."

"You were his mum," I offer. I don't owe her any kindness, but I won't lie about my father. He was a great man. "He always did speak well of you, and he loved you. I miss him too, you know? I don't care what the laws of Starlight say, you were his mum."

"I don't want your sympathy," she snarls like a cat, all but hissing at me. "He didn't speak well of you. We had a few conversations when he was running away. Protecting you cost him everything. I'm sure you'll come and take everything from me now, just like the spiteful little girl I knew once."

I wipe my tears away, and I go to tell her to just keep it all. I don't want it, but Onyx does it for me. But worse. "It won't be her taking everything from you. It'll be me. Including a one-way ticket straight out of Starlight City for talking to my mate like that. You can go and find a place for humans, with no money, and see how they treat you. She is my family now, and you don't get to speak to her like that."

She goes quiet and the angry woman disappears, morphing into one who is scared. "Please don't?—"

"Apologise to her and I'll consider it," he commands, and I look up at him seething with nothing but ruthlessness in his gaze.

My grandmother turns her eyes towards me. "I'm sorry." We both know she doesn't mean it, and it does nothing for me. "If you or your mate come after my fortune, I'll make sure everybody knows the truth. I know, Gwenieve. I've always known."

I doubt my father told her the exact truth, or she would not keep it silent, but whatever she knows has me nodding. She walks away and Onyx tips my chin up with his finger. "What truth did she just blackmail you with?"

"I don't know," I admit the truth. Kinda. "She spoke to my father, and he kept a lot of secrets from me. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. I don't want the house or money or title. None of that shit interests me."

"You sure?" He lowers his hand, but he doesn't step away. "You could buy an army of pink Land Rovers and donate them to the city so I have to see the ugly things everywhere I look." I burst into laughter that I feel all the way from my black heart to the tips of my toes. He laughs with me. He has the biggest smile on his face as he watches me. "I could listen to you laugh all day and night, Gwen."

My cheeks brighten as he stares at me, every raw emotion in his eyes, and for a second, it's like we don't have the rejection between us. We are just people, bonded by the Gods and destined to be together. "Gwen…are you ever going to tell me what it was like for you out there? Tell me something about your life…about why you left."

"No," I whisper, knowing the single word will be like a slap in the face to him. His shoulders drop, and he looks away from me. "Let's go back. I think it's going to be a while, and we've got things to discuss before I leave you today."

I wonder the entire trip back to the academy what he wants to discuss. He can't know it was my Nexus who killed Ian, but maybe he figured something else out. My hands twitch to put the radio on or something to break the silence up, as it gets awkward too quickly. He walks me back to my room, through the academy, which is pretty quiet with everyone in lessons.

I open the door and he comes in, shutting the door behind him. Apparently, the rules don't apply to my mates or everyone is too scared of them to say anything. "Annie is still in class…" I don't know what else to say to him. She has made my bed up, and it's tidy in here, no sign of bear fur. She is a good roommate and friend. Onyx is silent by the door, looking around the space, and something is wrong with him. I just don't know what, but I get the feeling. "You can sit anywhere, if you want."

Onyx sits on the edge of my bed while I lean on the wall by the window, waiting for him to say something. When he does, it shatters me. "My father thinks it's about time I settle down. He has set up an arranged marriage for me with a wealthy Nexus who didn't have any mates appear." My heart cracks. It literally cracks in two. "But, fuck, I don't want this. I don't… You need to say the word and I'll tell him no. You tell me there's a chance. Anything. That you don't hate me when you look at me. Tell me anything and I'll stop it all. There are things going on in Starlight, and this marriage is my father's idea of fixing shit, but he can't make me."

My Nexus roars, begging to take over, and I push her down. I squash her and harden my heart until I'm sure it can't feel anything anymore. Monsters don't deserve feelings. "I can't. You should go for it and be happy. I rejected you and I stand by that choice. It was for the best for us all."

He looks at me in pure disbelief that bleeds into anger. He is in my face, pressing me into the window and cupping my cheeks in a heartbeat. "Tell me why, Gwenieve. Why the fuck are you doing this to us all? I know you feel this." He leans in, pressing his forehead against mine. "We…we could be everything to each other. We are bonded…and it's real."

I lift my eyes, looking at him. My Nexus battles me with every breath I take. "It's not real. It's just nothing anymore. I don't want you."

"How can you be so impassive?" He pushes his forehead into mine. "How can you not care? Sometimes…sometimes I feel like you're lying to absolutely everyone, including yourself. Because I think you do care, and I think you want me just as fucking much as I want you. This bond, it isn't nothing."

Our mate bond isn't nothing, but I am. I am nothing but a monster. "You're wrong, Onyx. You don't know me at all, and I think you should leave before I just end up hurting you more."

He shakes his head as he backs up, and I immediately miss the connection of having him touch me. "Fine. Remember, you asked for this." He goes to the door and yanks it open, only to slam it shut as he leaves me alone. The minute the door shuts, I burst into tears. This is the only way. My parents told me it's the only way. My mates can't know the truth of what I am, what my Nexus is. I know it's the right thing to do, that he needs to move on from me…but why does it hurt so goddamn much?