Chapter 12

TWELVE

Things had been going sowell. Making the necessary post and then tossing his phone aside had been one of the more terrifying things Sawyer had had to do in his life, but it had also given him a sense of freedom. The awkward encounter with fans at the service station near York hadn’t gone all that well, but at least Sawyer had been able to stand up for himself.

The fact that he hadn’t just spit out that Casper was his boyfriend weighed on him for the entire rest of the journey to London, though. He should have come right out and told the fans everything, but aside from not having discussed it with Casper yet, Sawyer deeply resented making his personal life everyone in the world’s business.

It was personal. So personal. The fact that he wanted to be in a relationship at all was new and frightening. It didn’t matter how old he was or how quickly his Hollywood star was rising, asking Casper if they were boyfriends represented a major turning point in his life.

And then his dad had to go and ruin the moment with his usual, drunk, tired bigotry.

“Dad, you need to calm down,” Sawyer said once he managed to steer his dad back into the house. He was just glad that Casper had quietly come with them and shut the front door behind them instead of bolting. “Calm down and we can discuss this like adults.”

“I will not bloody calm down,” his dad continued to bellow, waving his arms around as Sawyer pushed him down the hall and into the lounge. “My son’s a fucking poofda! How do you expect me to calm down from that.”

“George, George, please,” Sawyer’s mum said, coming away from her little prayer corner in the lounge. She already had candles lit around her open Bible, and a few damp tissues littered the area, like she’d been at it for a while already.

“It’s alright, Mum. I’ve got this,” he said, crossing the room to give his mum a hug.

His mum moaned and wept, but hugged him back and pressed her face into his shoulder.

“See? This is the bloody problem,” his dad roared on. “You’ve been too soft on him, Geraldine. You turned him queer with your coddling and your fussing.”

“I didn’t turn out like that,” Kenny said from where he was sprawled on the sofa, beer in hand, watching the telly. “I’m a real man and Mum coddles and fusses over me all the time.”

Sawyer wanted to sink into the floor with embarrassment. His family was like something out of a bad sitcom from the seventies. It was no wonder he’d been so drawn to acting as a child. He already lived in the worst sort of show imaginable.

“Mum, I’d like you to meet Casper,” he said, fighting like mad to keep some semblance of normality in the middle of the chaos.

“W-who?” His mum raised her head from his shoulder and glanced around, like she hadn’t seen Casper come in with him. When Casper raised a hand to wave at her awkwardly, she said, “Oh. Hello.”

“Casper, this is my mum, Geraldine Kingston, and my dad, George, and brother, Kenny.”

“’Sup?” Kenny said, like he thought he was cool, when really, he was whatever the exact opposite was.

As expected, Sawyer’s dad didn’t give anyone a chance to pretend to be normal.

“And who is he?” he demanded, sneering at Casper. “Is he your little fag boyfriend?”

“Enough!” Sawyer shouted. He might have put up with his dad’s homophobia in the past by ignoring it, but he absolutely would not let anyone, especially not his dad, disparage Casper in any way. “Do not use that word in this house!”

Except that shouting sent his mum into another burst of wailing sobs, and once that started, Kenny shouted, “Oy! I’m trying to watch the football!”

Sawyer sighed, tempted to weep himself, as he hugged his mum tighter and rubbed her back. He sent Casper an apologetic look, but the shock of everything he’d walked into had Casper too stunned to return it.

“I knew there was something wrong with you,” his dad raged on. By the way he slurred slightly and leaned subtly against the side of the sofa, Sawyer was reasonably certain he had exceeded his usual, functional level of drunkenness. “You always were too namby-pamby, dressing up in costumes, insisting on doing all those school plays so you could wear make-up. You were a sissy from the start.”

“Yes, Dad, I was,” Sawyer said flatly. “I’ve never tried to hide who I am from you. You’ve drawn your own conclusions all these years, and I haven’t bothered to correct you.”

“You were always such a good boy,” his mother wept against him, like she wasn’t quite keeping track of the conversation. “Such good grades, and so talented.”

“He’s a fucking cock-sucker, Geraldine!” his dad shouted, throwing out an arm to point at Sawyer. “That’s what all the websites are saying, at least.”

“That was quite some post you made earlier,” Kenny commented blandly from the sofa, now looking through his phone, his beer still in one hand. “Half of TikTok still thinks you’re faking it, you know. But I know better, you cheeky little sausage-stuffer.”

Sawyer clenched his jaw. It wasn’t as if Kenny had a line of girlfriends waiting for him, so he was one to talk.

That wasn’t the point, though. The point was that his painfully dysfunctional family was behaving the way they always behaved when he wasn’t there to bring reason and sense to the whole thing. Casper had started to ask him at the service station why he was still living at home at his age. Well, the answer was all around him.

His family was a mess, and without him there to deflect his dad’s anger away from his mother, or to nudge Kenny to get off the sofa and take a shower, or even to encourage his mum to get out of the house and engage in activities, even if they were with her church friends, the whole family would devolve into chaos. And that was without adding Derek and his shady drama into the mix.

“I’m not faking it,” he sighed, rubbing his temple with one hand to stave off the headache that had hit the moment he walked through the door. “I’ve always been gay. Mum didn’t make me that way. Casper is my boyfriend, and I have to say, you lot are not making the best impression on him.”

“Oh, dear,” his mum said, pushing away from him and wringing her hands. “I should offer you a tea. Would you like a tea, er, Casper? Do gays drink tea?”

Casper’s mouth dropped open. He was clearly at a complete loss.

“We don’t need tea, Mum,” Sawyer said.

“I’ll have a tea,” Kenny said, throwing back the last of his beer.

“I’ll just pop into the kitchen to make a pot.” His mom hurried across the room.

She was stopped by his dad, who gripped her upper arm so tightly she winced. “No one is getting tea today!” his dad shouted. “Not when I’ve got a fudge-packer for a son.”

“Dad, stop!” Sawyer snapped firmly, not quite loud enough to be shouting. “You need to calm down and sober up before we talk about this.”

“How can I be bloody calm when my son has turned out to be a queer!” his dad shouted, causing Sawyer to lose hope that the situation could be resolved with anything close to reason. “It’s all over town now. I’ve already had Bob and my other mates from the pub call me up to razz me about it. You’ve made me a fucking laughing stock! There’s no way I’ll let you work for the family business now.”

Sawyer pressed his lips together and blew out through his nose. They were so far beyond the realm of rationality at that point that he didn’t know what to do. “I think Casper and I might go out to find some lunch and come back later, once you’ve?—”

“Yes, leave!” his father shouted, stepping toward him and inadvertently dragging his mum with him. He realized belatedly that he still had a grip on her arm and let her go before marching on. “Leave my house this instant, and don’t you come back, you fucking sodomite.”

“Dad.” Sawyer fought to be cool and collected, but his emotions were starting to get the better of him.

“Not another word out of you,” his dad said. “Not one fucking word. You’re no son of mine. I want you gone! Take your fucking fairy boyfriend and get the fuck out of here right now.”

“George, no!” Sawyer’s mum wept. “He’s our son, our baby.”

“I thought I was your baby,” Kenny said, still looking at his phone, sounding as casual as if the drama were happening on that small screen.

“I won’t have my home soiled by your wickedness, do you hear?” Sawyer’s dad continued to shout.

It was a losing battle. No matter what Sawyer did, no matter how long he’d managed to keep the lid on the simmering pot of his dysfunctional family, the pot had boiled over and the only thing he could do was step away so things could settle again.

“Mum, you have my mobile number,” Sawyer said, crossing to hug his mum again and kiss her forehead. “I’ll text you as soon as I know where I’m staying.”

“Oh, Sawyer, you can’t go,” his mum said, upset for an entirely different reason. She gazed up at him with terrified eyes, then peeked over her shoulder at Sawyer’s dad.

“He’s not going to hurt you,” Sawyer whispered as he hugged her again. “He never has. He’s all bark and no bite. Just let him sleep it off. He’ll be fine in a few days, and I’ll be back.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” his mum whispered in return. “You’re a grown man.”

“Are you leaving or am I going to have to throw you out?” his dad said, adjusting his belt like he was looking forward to a fight.

Sawyer kissed his mum’s cheek, then stepped back. “I’m going.”

He nodded to Casper to head down the hall, then followed after him.

It was more of a relief to leave the house than Sawyer wanted it to be. From the outside, everything looked peaceful and pretty. Not a soul walking by would have any idea how broken and horrific his family truly was.

“I don’t know what to say,” Casper stammered once they were heading toward his car.

“There’s nothing to say,” Sawyer snapped. “Let’s just get in the car and go somewhere I can breathe for a second.”

Blessedly, Casper just nodded and clicked his fob to unlock the car doors. Sawyer practically dove into his car, feeling like shit, and slammed the door behind him.

Once Casper started the car, the same perky pop station that had made most of their drive from Yorkshire enjoyable blasted again. Only now, it grated on Sawyer’s last nerve. He didn’t dare reach over to turn it off, though. As Casper drove forward, taking him someplace else, Sawyer was afraid he might shatter if he so much as moved.

He didn’t know where Casper was taking him, but he trusted him, so it didn’t matter. From the look of things, they were headed away from the city. That felt just about right. He needed to be someplace quiet for a bit.

It was a good ten minutes into their drive before he said, “To answer your question about why I, a grown man of thirty-two, and a celebrity with more than enough money to live somewhere else still lives at home. That. That’s the reason I still live at home.”

“I would have thought that would motivate you not only to move out, but to get as far away as possible and not look back,” Casper said quietly.

Sawyer shook his head. “I can’t,” he said. “While I don’t believe my dad would ever hurt my mum, physically, at least, both he and Kenny make her life a living hell. I have to be there as much as I can to…referee.”

“Couldn’t she just move out?” Casper asked. “Could the two of you get a place of your own together?”

Sawyer laughed humorlessly. “She’s a good, Christian woman. Her place is with her husband and her family.” He paused, rubbed his face, then said, “I’ve almost managed to convince her to leave a few times, even if she goes and moves in with Derek, but she won’t do it. Derek’s wife doesn’t like her, so it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

“She’s right about you being a good son, then,” Casper said quietly. “I love my parents, but I had to move away from them at the first opportunity I had. Their crazy was too much for me.” Casper winced, then glanced to Sawyer as he made a turn. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply?—”

“My family isn’t crazy,” he said gloomily. “At least, they aren’t mentally ill. They’re just…just a passel of wankers. And mum.”

A few more minutes of silence followed. Casper drove off the main road and down a narrow lane to a small pub that surprised Sawyer by coming out of nowhere. They couldn’t have driven for more than thirty minutes, if that, but he’d had no idea the old-looking pub was even there.

Better still, once he and Casper made their way into the quiet of the place, none of the mostly older patrons of the place seemed to recognize them or care two bits about who or what they were.

“I’m going to have to call Rebecca and reschedule our appointment for tomorrow,” Sawyer sighed, pulling out his phone. His heart sank when he saw how many missed calls and texts he’d had since the last time he’d looked at his phone, when he’d made his post. “I’m going to have to call her right now.”

He did that while Casper ordered lunch for the two of them. It was reassuring to be able to trust Casper with something as fundamental as sustenance. It made Sawyer feel cared for and safe.

The call with Rebecca did not, in any way, make him feel cared for or safe.

“The only reason I’m letting you put off this meeting is because you did the right thing by coming out on social media,” she said in a tight, displeased voice. “I’ve been fielding calls, and I’ll make a statement on your behalf that the topic of your sexuality is off-limits while you’re promoting Start at the Beginning.”

“Thank you,” Sawyer sighed, sagging back in his chair as the server brought them burgers and chips.

“But I expect you to do better going forward, Sawyer,” Rebecca said to bring the call to a close. “Your career is on the line. Being a star is about more than your performance on screen, it’s all about your performance off-screen. And this mess is not going to earn you an Oscar.”

Sawyer said goodbye, and when the call ended, he didn’t just close his phone, he turned it off and put it face down on the tabletop.

“I’m beginning to rethink my life choices,” he said, picking up a chip, even though he didn’t have much of an appetite.

Casper had already started eating and paused mid-chew, his brow going up. “Do you mean that?” he asked once he’d swallowed.

“No,” Sawyer sighed. “As much as it pains me to say it, I still love acting. I can’t wait to get into the studio on Monday to continue filming After the War. But this is making me reconsider what sort of roles I’ll want to take in the future.”

Casper looked anxious as he reached for his soda. “You mean no more gay characters?”

Sawyer blinked. He hadn’t even thought about that. “I was thinking more that I’ll only do indie films and small-budget productions that will keep me firmly in the ‘isn’t that the guy from that show?’ category instead of being a household name.” He bit into his chip, and once he’d chewed and swallowed, he said, “The trouble is, those projects don’t pay well. I’ve already done the starving actor thing, and I need to keep paying the mortgage.”

“Wait, sorry.” Casper finished chewing the bite he’d just taken, swallowed, then said, “You pay the mortgage?”

“I pay the everything,” Sawyer said flatly.

“On the house that your father just threw you out of?”

“Yep.” Sawyer picked up his burger.

Casper shook his head. “That’s absurd. I thought your father had some sort of painting business.”

“He does,” Sawyer nodded. “He also has an unhealthy alcohol habit and a tendency to think of the horses before he thinks of Mum.” He bit into his burger and chewed resentfully.

“You should be the one throwing him out,” Casper said, outraged.

Sawyer swallowed. “He’s my dad,” he said.

“I know, but—” Casper stopped, held still for a moment, then let out a long breath. “Family is the worst,” he said, shaking his head, then taking another bite.

They finished their meal in sullen, but paradoxically comfortable silence. Sawyer appreciated the fact that he could just be with Casper. He could tell Casper was tempted to solve his problems for him, but he wasn’t doing it. And there were a lot of problems to solve.

The one that was at the forefront of Sawyer’s mind as they finished their meal and paid the bill was where he was going to lay his head that night.

“I have more than enough money to check into a hotel,” he said as they headed out to Casper’s car. “But I have this horrible feeling that London will be crawling with people who want to get a soundbite or a picture from me.”

“You could stay with me,” Casper said, suddenly perking up.

A thousand different emotions zipped through Sawyer. He wanted to stay with Casper, stay in his bed and in his arms, more than anything he could imagine. But he couldn’t put Casper through the storm that he’d only just begun to walk through.

But before he could express that, Casper went on with, “You could stay at the Chameleon Club. That’s where I live. They’ve got dozens of rooms upstairs, the entire point of which is to shelter men who need to get away from public scrutiny or other problems brought on by their preferences. The Brotherhood has a long history of giving shelter to us for exactly this sort of thing.”

Sawyer paused as they reached the car. “The Brotherhood has a long history of sheltering gay celebrities who have just been publicly outed?”

“Yes!” Casper laughed, as though he was excited about the possibility. “I swear there was some big name film star in the nineteen fifties who was under public scrutiny that lived at the Chameleon Club for a summer, until the rumors died down. That’s precisely why the organization was created in the first place.”

Hope shivered in Sawyer’s chest. He’d been to the Chameleon Club before, and he’d been amazed at how discreet and freeing the place had been. Walt had talked to him about officially applying for membership in The Brotherhood when they’d filmed that episode of his cooking show together. He’d considered it, but too many other things had taken space in his mind.

Now, however, he was intrigued by more than just the idea of an organization that had been helping men like him for almost two hundred years. He loved the idea of being able to stay close to Casper, especially since things were about to get hard.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” he asked. “You wouldn’t mind having your boyfriend stay with you?” He smiled, flushing with heat as he asked the question.

Casper’s answering blush made his heart turn somersaults. “I would love to have you,” he said. His smile grew, and he went on with, “I’m not even going to clean up the double entendre of those words either, because I would. In every way. But that’s up to you, not me.”

“And this is why we’re perfect for each other,” Sawyer said, opening the car door. When they both slipped inside and shut their doors, he added, “Take me home, Casper Penhurst. It’s been a weird, shitty day, but as long as I can end it with you, I think I might survive.”

He thought more than that. If he had Casper to stand by his side in the coming days, he might just be able to get through whatever life and celebrity threw at him.