22. Ash

CHAPTER 22

ASH

I 've barely seen Kayla since she eviscerated me with her words. It felt like a knife to the heart.

I could see the shift in her. It was like she put a wall up between us. Suddenly, she was hard and angry. I've seen her snarky and annoyed, but never angry.

The comment about the puck bunnies was a low blow. It's not that she's wrong — it's that she thinks so little of me. I bared my soul to her. I've never been this vulnerable with anyone. For her to still think about me as a playboy, it stung.

I know it's coming from a place of hurt. I know I'm hurting her. It's breaking my heart.

We never talked about our relationship. It was just assumed that it was a fling. We both knew I would have to leave. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

I think about how I'm not going to get to kiss her again. I think she's going to be the person I compare everyone else to. She's the gold standard. I wonder if it's all worth it. I wonder if hockey is worth more than a real connection.

Jack walks down the porch steps of one of the cabins. "You did a good job."

I shake my thoughts out of my head. "It was all Kayla."

He laughs. "I have no doubt, but she didn't have a clue where to start. We're lucky you were here."

"Yeah, lucky." I chuckle halfheartedly.

He swings around to look over the exterior. "There's still a lot of work to do, though. Would've been good to have you around a bit longer."

I've been so focused on Kayla that I didn't think about how I'm going to miss hanging by the fire with Jack. He's one of the few people who truly knows me. He knows the person underneath the playboy reputation and hockey stats. He knows all of me and still considers me a good person. That means the world to me.

I wonder what it would be like if I gave up hockey and moved here. It would be completely insane, but I let myself dream for a moment. In this dream scenario, I would be with Kayla — and Jack would be okay with it. We'd spend the days working and the nights enjoying each other's company. It's a simple life. It's a rewarding life. It's a nice life. It's not going to happen.

I let the dream disappear, along with any hope of being with Kayla.

The smoke from the fire wafts into my face just then, and Jack laughs. "One of the hazards of doing this when it's windy."

Coughing, I move over. "No chance of Kayla joining us?"

He arches a brow. "What did you guys do for dinner when I was gone?"

I shrug, trying my best to keep my face nonchalant. "We took turns cooking. It became a bit of a competition."

He chuckles. "Of course you did. You're two sides of the same coin."

I scrunch my face. "What do you mean?"

He leans forward. "When we were younger, a boy at school was being picked on. Kayla bet the bully that he couldn't beat her in an arm wrestle. If he did beat her, she wouldn't interfere. If she beat him, he had to leave the kid alone."

I smirk. I already know how this is going to end.

"Kayla had already been working at the farm at that point and was surprisingly strong. She beat the bully and announced to everyone that if they were going to pick on anyone, they should pick on her."

He takes a sip of his drink and points it to me. "Exactly the same thing you said to all the opposing hockey teams — if they wanted to come after any of the team, to come after you."

I smile. I like the idea of us being similar.

He smirks. "Plus, you're both insanely competitive, snarky, and stubborn as hell."

I feign shock. "Me? Stubborn? How dare you!"

He rolls his eyes. "Okay, drama queen."

There are attributes Kayla possesses that I wish I had, like her selflessness. Growing up with a single mom, I did everything I could to help. As I've gotten older, I've made sure my mom has a nice house and doesn't have to worry about money. Other than that, I've been selfish.

I'm selfish with my time. I'm selfish with not committing to anyone. It's something I've worn like a badge of honor. It's my way of protecting myself.

I no longer feel protected. Without realizing it, Kayla has broken down my walls. I've started to think about her and her needs. I'm not ashamed of letting my guard down. But the pain I'm feeling now is a reminder of why I'm usually selfish.

A part of me wishes Kayla was out here with us. Another part of me is glad she isn't. Maybe a clean break is what we both need.