21. Kayla

CHAPTER 21

KAYLA

I watch as Ash's expression goes from ecstatic to ghost-like. From what I overheard, he's going home.

I pick at the skin on my arm. I knew this was coming, but I thought we would have more time.

After Jack showed up at the cabin, I kept trying to think of ways we could be together without my brother knowing. I still had hope.

There's a finality to hearing Ash's coach say he can come home. My heart lurches at the thought of not seeing him every day.

This is what I was afraid of. I let my heart get involved. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I can't believe I've been so careless. Why did I let myself get swept up in him?

I think about every kiss, every touch, every time we were together. I mentally kick myself over and over. I knew things would change once Jack came home, but it felt like a slap in the face when Ash wouldn't even look at me. Logically, I know he was just trying to make sure Jack didn't suspect anything, but he could have still interacted with me like a human being.

I start to wonder if this has all been in my head. Ash never said we were anything more than a hookup. He hasn't given me any indication that he felt anything but physical attraction toward me.

Maybe I built it up in my mind. Maybe it's been so long since I've had a man around that I projected a relationship onto him.

He did organize the night under the stars, but I think that was just to thank me for showing him around town. I think. I don't know. I look back at him. I'm questioning everything that's happened between us.

I knew while we were in the thick of it that it was too good to be true. I knew our little bubble was bound to burst. Yet, I still let myself dive headfirst off a cliff.

Izzy would say it was self-destructive behavior. She would say I knew it couldn't last and that's why I went through with it. She's always psychoanalyzing me. I think, in this case, she would have hit the nail on the head.

I haven't talked to her about any of this. I can't bring myself to talk about it. If I talk about it, then it becomes real. If it becomes real, then it's going to hurt like hell.

A part of me is also worried she'll judge me. I'm judging me. I'm the girl I always made fun of — that girl who got swept up in a guy. I'm not that girl. At least, I wasn't that girl until now.

I always had a clear understanding of where I stood in a relationship and the expectations. However, I think sometimes I project onto the person what I want them to be. What if that's what I did with Ash?

Up until now, I've been doing my best to avoid the reality of the situation. Leading up to Jack's return, it felt like we were starting to nosedive out of the clouds. I thought we still had time before it all came crashing down.

A tiny spark of hope lingered between us as he kissed me in the barn. I was hit with a wave of relief as his lips clashed with mine. It felt like I was finally fulfilling a craving. I felt my body and my heart latch onto him. I wanted more of him. But there was a hollow feeling in my chest; it felt like we were saying goodbye.

He was always going to leave, but now that it's actually here, it hurts so badly that I feel like I can't breathe. I can feel the tears threatening to come forward. I push them back.

Ash steps toward me. "Coach?—"

"Wants you back home. I heard." I chew on the inside of my cheek. I can feel myself begin to harden, as if a stone wall is forming around my heart. I should've protected myself from the start. I shouldn't have let him get to me.

He looks like he's going to say something as his eyes search mine.

I narrow my eyes. "I guess you'll be leaving as soon as possible."

He jolts back slightly, his brows furrowed. A million emotions cross his face. "It's time."

I want to walk away. I want to make a dramatic exit, but I'm frozen. I don't want him to see how hurt I am. I don't want him to know he had an impact on me.

So, I turn and continue with my chores.

He steps toward me. "You know this was always the plan, and?—"

I whip around. "It's fine. No harm, no foul, right?" I purse my lips. "You can get back to the puck bunnies now. I'm sure they've missed you."

Hurt fills his eyes. He studies my face as if searching for an answer, coming close enough to see the anger and hurt in my eyes. He tries to touch my cheek, but I step back.

I can't tell him that I need to turn my sadness into anger to get through this. I can't tell him how much it's hurting me to know he's leaving. I need to preserve what little dignity I have left.

Jack walks into the barn with bags full of who knows what, oblivious to the scene that's playing out. "So, Dad taught me this really nice—" He stops and looks at Ash. "What's happening? Weird energy in here…"

Ash smiles. "Coach said I can come home."

Jack smiles and then frowns. "That's great, but we're going to miss you around here."

Ash looks at me, presumably waiting for a snarky remark. If a snarky remark is what he wants, it's what he'll get.

"Don't get carried away. We were fine before he got here; we'll be fine when he leaves."

Ash looks like I've slapped him.

I've always been able to weaponize my words. Proof that my defense mechanisms are finally kicking in.

If you were to ask Jack, he would say that this is my default mode. Angry. Stoic. Determined. Hardened. As I look at Ash, I push away everything we've had and turn on my default mode. I flip the switch in me, turning away and getting back to work.

I let the anger fill me up. I let it fuel me. I let every moment of happiness twist into something else. I tell myself that it was just a fling. I convince myself that I didn't feel anything. I know it's a lie, but I don't care. This is what I need to do to move forward.

I hear the boys talking about when Ash plans to leave. I feel a pinch of sadness and twist it into anger, most of which is aimed at myself. I'm furious that I let my guard down. I'm mortified that I did it in front of the entire town.

As much as we tried to keep it to ourselves, the people of Camarillo Plains aren't idiots. Izzy isn't an idiot.

Still, somehow my not confirming that anything was going on was like a safety net for me. I could safely say I wasn't one of the many girls Ash has slept with. I could roll my eyes at the accusations. I could make a joke about having higher standards.

The truth is, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that I would judge anyone for who they slept with. I'm a hypocrite.

I swing back and forth between sadness, anger, shame, and guilt. It's exhausting. This is why I need to harden myself again.

It's not fair to Ash, but it's what I've got to do.