23. Kayla

CHAPTER 23

KAYLA

I squeeze my eyes shut to try and stop the tears. It doesn't work.

Taking a deep breath, I try to remind myself that I'm a strong, independent woman. I was fine before Ash Northcross, and I'll be fine after him.

I can hear the boys talking outside. I've been trying not to eavesdrop, but my natural curiosity takes over.

Jack calls Ash a drama queen and they both laugh.

"For real, though. How much of a pain in the ass was Kayla?"

I hold my breath, waiting for Ash's answer.

"It was… interesting."

My heart shatters. I expected a snarky remark. This is worse. His tone of voice is like a punch in the gut.

I remind myself that he's just covering up what happened between us. Ugh. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's real or what's in my head. I feel off balance.

All I know is that it physically hurts to hear his voice and not be with him.

I hate that I let myself get so invested in him. It wasn't like he hid the fact that he was going back home or that he doesn't commit.

It would be easier if I could place the blame on him. I keep beating myself up for being so stupid. I knew this was a fling. He didn't lead me on.

I want a reason to be angry at him. I don't want him to leave. I hate that I don't want him to leave. I feel like my brain is an endless loop of the same thoughts.

It all comes down to one thing — I let myself fall for him. And for that, I have no one to blame but myself.

I start to drift off to sleep, exhausted by my thoughts.

At ten thirty following morning, the three of us are standing in the hallway, and it feels like the air has been sucked out of the room. Ash is standing there, ready to say goodbye. His eyes trace from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I hold my breath under his gaze.

My heart aches at the longing in his eyes. I fight the overwhelming urge to leap into his arms.

After all my talk about being mad at him, now that he's standing in front of me, I feel weak. All the walls I put up to protect myself start to falter.

He says goodbye to Jack and gives him a typical guy hug.

He's close enough to me that I can smell him and feel him. His minty aftershave lingers. I feel my body flush at the proximity to him. My heart leaps at the brief contact.

He steps back from the hug and takes a deep breath in. For a second I think he's going to hug me, but he stops. "Thank you for your hospitality." He glances briefly at me then focuses on Jack. "I had an amazing time."

My eyes burn into him, wanting him to acknowledge me. He smiles at Jack and gives me a brief nod, but averts his eyes.

I want to scream. I want to yell at him and tell him to stop being an idiot. I want him to kiss me and tell me he doesn't want to leave. His silence weighs me down, making my chest feel heavy and my heart shatter.

He turns and walks out the door.

I feel like I've just been hit by a bus. I can't move. I can't believe he didn't even make eye contact when he said goodbye.

What the hell was that?

A wave of disappointment floods me. I want to curl up in a ball. I clearly meant nothing to him. Feeling Jack's eyes on me, I try not to show any emotion.

He puts his arm around me. "Back to just us two."

I fake a smile. "The dynamic duo."

He rubs my shoulder.

"I've got a splitting headache. Are you okay if I rest for a bit?" It sounds like an excuse, but I really do have a headache. This whole mess has taken a toll on me.

"Of course. Ash helped get all today's chores out of the way before he left."

I look at him with a confused expression. They must have been up really early.

Jack laughs. "I know. I was just as shocked. He's leaving here a changed man."

I'm glad Jack doesn't know what I'm really feeling right now. I'm not shocked. I'm annoyed. I'm confused. I'm heartbroken.

Jack pretends to wipe away a tear. "I'm a proud papa."

I want to say that Ash hasn't changed and he's the same selfish ass he was when he got here. Instead, I fake a laugh and roll my eyes.

I feel like a complete fool for hoping he would stick around. It's clear now that I'm just another notch on his belt. The thought makes me want to throw up. I run to the bathroom and gag. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't know it was going to be like this. My entire body aches. I want to disappear. I want to forget.

Once I'm sure I'm not going to be sick, I go to my room. I curl up under the blanket and let the tears I've been holding back spill over. I clutch my chest as I sob into my pillow. It smells like him. I sob even harder.

This pain is like nothing I've felt. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest as someone twists my organs. I'm woozy and nauseous. I'm such an idiot. Why did I have to fall for him? Stupid heart. I don't want to think about it anymore, but everything in my room reminds me of him.

Suddenly, something occurs to me. I sit up. I wonder if he left it. I know he snuck upstairs and got all of his things when Jack went to the store one day, but I don't know…

I dig around the pile of clothes until I find it. He left it. His shirt. He was adamant about taking it with him but kept hinting that he would leave it for me to remember him by. I change out of my clothes and into the shirt. I don't know what I'll say if Jack sees me in this, but I don't care.

I officially feel pathetic. I'm heartbroken and wearing his T-shirt. Maybe if I give in to the heartbreak, I'll be able to get over it.

With this thought in mind, I curl up in bed and let myself cry out all the pain. I cry until there are no tears left, then drift off into a deep sleep. I cling to nothingness and stay there as long as possible.