6. 6

6

Ember

I ’d kissed my teacher. What the fuck was I thinking? I mean, apart from the fact that I’d always thought he was kinda cute, and really nice.

The way he let me be me, without trying to change anything, other than what I learned for my classes. The way he indulged my art, and encouraged it as part of my lessons. I’d risked losing the best teacher I’d ever met, or been taught by.

“Em?”

I looked up as mum pushed my door open and peeked in.

“I brought you a cuppa, love.”

“Mum, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean those horrible things I said! My god, you guys are amazing parents, and we all know the issues some of us have are not because of any of you.”

Mum passed me my tea, in my favourite zombie mug.

“Can I sit?”

I nodded, and watched as she sat almost exactly where Mr E, Ethan , had. My god, he’d been in my room with me and we’d kissed. Well, I’d kissed him. No wonder he ran like that.

“Em, I think you weren’t exactly wrong, and if those things were the way you were feeling, you were right to share them with us. I know we haven’t been the best parents, but we’ve tried so hard, and I know our mistakes can harm you-”

“Mum, there were no mistakes. The only thing that harmed us was when we lied to you guys, or held stuff back, and you didn’t know enough to be able to help. We know you’ve always got our backs, and up until what happened at school, I was a happy, normal, well-rounded kid. I just got fucked up by assholes.”

She sighed, clenching her fists on her lap.

“It’s… it’s so hard not to touch you or hug you, love. I know that it’s not something you like anymore, but you were always my little princess, my sweet little angel who hugged me so often, and loved me playing with your hair, and now… it’s hard to switch off the mum part of me, that wants to hold you and make all your fears go away.”

I wished I was still that little girl too. The child who didn’t know such evil and brutality existed out there in the world, because it sure as hell didn’t under our roof.

“I’m sorry, mum. I… I’ll try, but I don’t know if it’ll-”

“I saw you let Mr Erickson hug you, love, and I’m glad that you felt you could get that comfort from someone, but I wish it had been me. That’s selfish, I know. I just… we all love you so much, sweetie. We just want you to be happy.” She saw? She SAW?

“What did you… what did you see?”

Mum smiled, pointing at the door. “I peeked in, and you were wrapped in his arms, snuggled against his chest, and even though I wished you’d been able to come to me or your dads for that support, I’m glad you trusted him enough to go to him. And to call him out here in the first place. It was sweet of him to rush over here too. He’s a good man.”

A good man. Yeah, that’s exactly what he was, so why was I suddenly thinking of him in so many different ways? The man who ran to my aid. The man who was sitting right there on my bed. The first man to touch me and not horrify me, or try to take more than I offered. The man who was effectively my first kiss? Suddenly he didn’t seem like this too-old-for-me teacher anymore. Suddenly he seemed like someone I wanted to see more of, and not in a scholarly way.

“Uh yeah. He’s definitely good. I mean, who else drops everything to run to their student’s aid at a time like that, right?”

Mum nodded, practically sitting on her hands so she wouldn’t reach out to me. I wished I could tell her it’d be okay, but for some reason, anyone else’s touch, even my own mother’s, still felt too much, too far.

But if Mr E… Ethan… if he wanted to touch me again, I think I’d be more than okay with it. Maybe even kind of wanted it, because being touched had felt like something I shouldn’t hide from, but only because it was him. Was this a crush? Had I developed a crush on my teacher? What a freaking cliché, right? Could I literally be any more pathetic?

“I’m glad that he takes such good care of his students, Emb... Em . You can always talk to me about anything though, you know that, right? I know that it was difficult before with what was happening, but I promise that nothing you ever tell me will receive anything in response but my love and support. Your dads and I just want you to be happy, and to find the things, and people, in life who make you feel loved and secure.”

We’d never really talked like this, because we went from being close when I was eleven, and barely thought about anything to do with boys, to now when I knew more than I wanted to know about boys, and opening up now felt like it would be impossible.

“I like him, mum. He makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel seen. I don’t have to hide the ugly parts of me when he’s here, because he doesn’t even seem to notice them.”

Mum’s lip trembled and she squeezed her eyes closed at my words, and I guess I could see where she was coming from. I think in her position, it’d break my heart to hear my child speaking like this, but it was just the truth. She wanted the truth from me, so even if it hurt, I should share it, shouldn’t I?

“Baby, please don’t ever think any part of you is unattractive. Your beauty shines out of you every day, no matter how hard you try to dim it or hide it. Maybe it’s time to start letting it out again.”

Her words brought the sting of unshed tears to my eyes, as a lump burned in my throat, but I was done crying and being weak. Mr E wouldn’t find that attractive, would he?

Ethan

I SPENT MOST OF the evening after I returned from the Cross household arguing with myself about Em, because I knew I’d let both of us step over boundaries like they didn’t exist, but the truth was that it wasn’t technically wrong. It certainly wasn’t illegal, either. Teacher or not, she was over the legal age of consent for England, but it still felt distasteful.

Was I shocked when her soft lips suddenly pressed against mine, well of course I fucking was, but hadn’t I wondered how it’d feel? Hadn’t I watched her from the corner of my eye while she worked, and admired her?

She was seventeen, but the things she’d been through had aged her mentally, emotionally, to the point where sometimes it felt like I was conversing with someone my own age, and yet other times, she was like a child, with that innocence shining through now and then. Her petulant responses to some things were a reminder that even of legal age, she was almost half my own age, and that should be enough to keep me honest. To keep me from letting my thoughts creep into places where they really shouldn’t be creeping. Did I have a semi by the time I left her room? Yeah, but that meeting with her dads killed it dead, and that was how it should be.

“Ethan? Did you want another glass of wine?” My neighbour, Suzy, had dropped by with some wine as she often did on a Thursday night, because we were both single and lonely, and yeah, she wanted to fuck me, but I just didn’t feel it for her. I felt it for someone I fucking shouldn’t.

She was a pretty lady, and far more appropriate for me, but for some reason that glossy dark hair, and those curves, just weren’t doing it for me. Still, when she edged closer to pass me the glass of wine that I hadn’t even requested, I took it, and I didn’t back away.

She clearly thought that was some kind of signal, because she suddenly pressed closer to me, and her lips crashed against mine before I could try to discourage her. Was it the wine that stopped me from pulling back immediately? Was it the fact that she was the second woman to kiss me, but this one I was actually allowed to kiss?

The sound of glass shattering across the room made us break apart, as we both leapt up from the sofa. My front window was now letting in chilled air, and the broken glass adorned the hardwood floor, and the two armchairs, with shards having almost reached us where we’d been sitting.

“The fuck?!”

“Oh my god! Call the police! Maybe they’re burglars,” Suzy hissed, moving to step behind the sofa, like somehow that’d protect her from the least effective burglars on the fucking planet. I ran for the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the culprit, but the street outside was empty of people, with just a car or two passing by.

Who the fuck just smashed my damn window? I turned to find Suzy with my phone in her hand, dialling the police. I almost stopped her, but the realisation that I’d need a police report for the insurance was really the only reason I didn’t. It had to have been kids from the neighbourhood, but the timing was odd, right? In the middle of a kiss I didn’t really want, on the same day I received a kiss I really did want, but had to reject?

Call me suspicious, but I half expected to see Em running away after the window was broken, and wondered if I should mention it tomorrow, to see her reaction. Would she be innocent, or only playing at it? Did I want it to be her, or was that just the insanity of a little wine, and a lot of wanting. Fucking hell, by the time the police sent out an officer, nearly four hours later, I was beyond pissed off, and ready to yell at whoever the hell did it. I’d kept the mess exactly how it was, but of course they did nothing beyond taking a few details, and advising me to get the window boarded up, and report it to my insurance company. Gee, thanks, like I didn’t figure that shit out myself.

By the next morning, I’d calmed a little, but I still wanted to know if the vandal was my own student, only if she admitted it, I had no fucking clue what I’d do about it.