5. 5

5

Ember

I hadn’t been touched by anyone in so long, because my family all knew touching me was a danger, as in I tended to lash out if they tried. The doctors knew, and Mr E knew, and yet… as I felt warm skin against mine, there was no fear. There was no revulsion. There was, my god, there was comfort. Safety. Protection.

Suddenly I threw myself at him, because I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, that he’d keep me safe, that somehow it was okay to be closer to him, because he wouldn’t overstep any boundaries.

Admittedly, I was pushing us both past a boundary by virtually jumping in his lap, but suddenly, for the first time since I was a kid, I wanted, needed , to be touched, to be held, comforted.

“Please,” I whispered against his chest, pressing closer into his body, my hands clutching at his thin blue jumper, feeling his shirt buttons beneath it. Slowly, tentatively, his arms settled around me, one on my back, while the other was on my head, holding me against him.

All of the angst and pain in my mind drifted away, because I was safe and warm, and nobody could hurt me like this. Nobody could make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Nobody could force me into anything, or make me feel bad, or weird. Nobody could… why did it feel so right? Why did it feel like I was supposed to be right here in his arms?

Mr E was stroking my hair gently as I slowly calmed enough to stop crying, even though the pain of my guilt was still burning in my chest, still there enough that I couldn’t stop thinking about the awful things I’d said to my family.

“There we go, good girl, take a deep breath now, and let it out slowly,” Mr E was murmuring in a low voice as he held me, still caressing my hair with a light touch.

For some reason, his words, his calm, his peaceful aura, they all worked together to help me breathe more easily as the hiccupy sounds dissipated.

“Can you talk now? It’s okay if not. I’m not in a rush, so just relax.” For a moment I thought I heard the bedroom door, but nobody spoke and his posture didn’t change at all, so I must have imagined it.

I wanted to speak, and I didn’t, because if I spoke, it’d break this spell, it’d put those boundaries back between us, and the one person who’d offered me a comforting touch since my early teens would push me away again.

“Em? Talk to me, and we can stay like this if it’s easier,” he whispered softly. Why did it feel so right? Why did it feel like he was the balm for my soul? The one who could make the pain go away, who would make the world feel brighter again.

“I was horrible,” I finally whispered back, and he hesitated for a second, before he resumed stroking my hair.

“It sounds like you had some anger to let out, and that was the best place for it to happen, Em.”

If not for the awful things I’d said, I’d agree with him.

“My parents didn’t deserve the things I said, Mr E.”

“Ethan.”

I lifted my head, his fingers still against the back of it.

“Huh?”

He quirked a small grin. “My name’s Ethan. It just seems weird for you to call me Mr E right now, but I’ll absolutely insist on it after today.”

I liked his grin, just like I liked his smiles, because they were always genuine, and warm, and not at all creepy like other men seemed to be.

“Ethan. I like it, I mean, it suits you.” That was dumb. I sounded brainless, but then he knew me, and he knew I had my dim moments.

“How did they react? I mean, your dad seemed a little tired when he answered the door, but not upset.”

“Must have been dad Dory then. Dad Gray was pissed.”

“Em.” Oh, swearing. I lowered my eyes.

“Sorry, Mr… uh… Ethan.” His smile was my reward, and it warmed me from the inside. Who knew a smile could lift that chill that seemed to be permanently settled in my chest, in my heart.

“It was Gray, actually. He was a little surprised to see me, but I said you’d called and asked me to come over, that uh… that you were upset. I mean, they’d already have known that part, right?”

I nodded. “I need to apologise to them, not that it makes up for what I said, but I need to say it anyway. It’s really not their fault. None of it is. I… I know now that they’re ashamed of me though, and that part’s harder to cope with, but I guess it’s not a surprise. Not really. Who’d be proud of someone like me? I’m a screwup. I’m an uneducated loser, who’s spent more time trying to hurt myself than I’ve spent uh… not doing that.” Lame. Ethan looked kinda pissed too.

“Uneducated? That’s a bit harsh, Em. I know you’re doing things a little differently to others your age, but you’re taking steps to catch up, and you’ve been through things most people your age can’t even comprehend. So stop with this rubbish. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the things you work so hard to achieve, because believe it or not, you’re not a loser, and you couldn’t be.”

Oh. He looked at me so sweetly as he spoke, and that led me to do something really stupid, like somehow did I think he was flirting with me? Idiot .

The second my lips touched his, I felt him freeze, his breath shuddering out of him as he pulled back from me.

“Em-”

“Oh god. No, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… I, oh god. I’m sorry.” He looked horrified, and why wouldn’t he? He was a grown man, and I was his student. His legal, of-age, student, but a kid to him, nonetheless. This wasn’t flirting. He was trying to comfort a messed up loser, and I assaulted him.

Ethan

THE ONLY THING WORSE than seeing her breaking, and denouncing anything about her being of value, was seeing the mortification on her face when she pulled away from kissing me. Yes, it was highly inappropriate, and wrong in every possible way, but part of the problem for me, was fighting the urge to return that damn kiss.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Clearly I was a depraved monster, who deserved to be taken outside and shot!

“No, I’m sorry. I… clearly I must have given a signal that you picked up on, or or… I don’t know…”

“No, it was me. I’m just this lame idiot who… Ethan, you’re the only person I’ve even been close to in years. This was me being a… a… well, clearly not thinking straight or-”

“I think we should go back to you calling me Mr E, Em. This isn’t uh… we can’t blur any lines or boundaries between us, and,” I paused as I got up from the bed, now that she was out of my damn lap. “I… I’m happy to listen and support you, Em, but… but this…”

“Oh god, no, don’t try to let me down easy, this was me being an idiot!”

I caught her by the arms, as she got up from the bed and headed for the door. Why the fuck was I touching her again? A student. My student. You fucking perv.

“Em, calm down. Look at me, please.” Her cheeks were scarlet, and it was blatantly obvious with the black and white makeup half removed from her face. Belatedly, I realised that it was partly because there was a black and white smudge across my cashmere jumper. Fuck. Gee, what did I do up there, Mr Cross? Well, I had your vulnerable daughter in my lap, and yeah, that’s her faceprint on my chest. I’m literally the asshole.

“Eth… Mr E?”

“This is not your fault, do you hear me? You are not to blame. I’m the adult here, and I should know better than to be in your room with you, or be touching you. I crossed the boundaries here, not you.”

“I climbed on you. I kissed you!”

“Both of which I could have prevented, but didn’t. Please don’t let this be another setback for you, not after what you said on the phone. Promise me you’ll put this out of your mind, and focus on repairing things with your family. You’re doing so well, you’ve been achieving so much lately, so please please don’t do anything that could harm you.”

She nodded, blinking fast against more damn tears.

“Please forgive me.”

“I… there’s nothing to forgive, please, just focus on the good things you have going on, and your family. Fix things. You can do this. I need… I should probably leave, but I’ll be here tomorrow for your lessons as normal. Everything will be fine, okay?”

I got out of there as soon as she promised me she wouldn’t do anything dumb. On my way down the stairs, I was accosted by Gray, who gestured to the study and followed me in, to find Dory already waiting. Gray pushed the door closed.

“Talk.”

Shit, did they know? Had they seen us? I could feel heat in my own cheeks now, as I looked from one of Em’s dads to the other.

“Uh… she seems calmer now, but I’d suggest getting Blaze to call her. That’s who she was trying to call when she misdialled and got me instead.”

Dory frowned. “She didn’t want you then?” Huh, I wouldn’t say that, exactly. I glanced down at the black and white makeup smears on my jumper, and they both followed my gaze with their own eyes.

“Wilma said she peeked in and you were holding her. You were holding Ember,” Gray said in a gruff tone. Was I about to get punched? Wouldn’t I deserve it?

“Uh… she came to me, I swear, and I couldn’t push her away. She’s… I know she’s not keen on being touched, so pushing her away in such a moment would have been bad for her, because it would have made her think she’d done wrong.”

They were both nodding. “So the makeup on your jumper is from that,” Dory said, quirking an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah, she uh… she was crying, so I think it kind of ended up everywhere.”

“Like on your lip?”

FUCK. I reached up to swipe the back of my hand over my mouth. “I uh… probably… I don’t know.”

I watched them warily, as they both stared directly back at me. Something about the look in their eyes told me that they weren’t guys to be messed with. Would they assume I’d done something I shouldn’t have?

“Really, I probably got it on my hand and touched my face, I don’t know. Look, Em told me the things she said in therapy, and she’s really beating herself up over them. Don’t… don’t believe that’s how she really feels.” I’m butting in, and I should be minding my fucking business and getting out. Hell, they’d probably fire me, and if they didn’t, should I even come back? Lines were getting blurred fucking everywhere now. Me in her room, me touching her, her kissing me, me wanting to kiss her back, me lying to her fucking dads.

“Yeah… she was lashing out. It’s what kids do. See, we know this, because we have a few of them, and we know what they’re like, and how they react to stuff. If Ember reached out today, she was in a dark place, and so I’m grateful that you came by to talk to her,” Gray said, rubbing his right palm over his left arm, almost in an obsessively rhythmic motion.

Dory spotted the movement, and caught Gray’s hand, pulling it away from his arm.

“Okay, look, we do appreciate what you did, but you should go, and we’ll draw a line under this. You’re her tutor, and I think we need to deal with our family stuff ourselves. Thanks for coming to help Ember, uh Em, Jesus, that’s hard to remember to do. I’ll get Blaze to give her a call.”

“Already on it,” Gray said, tapping away at his phone before he shoved it in his pocket. “You should go home, Teach. Your work here is done, yeah? Well, until tomorrow.”

I got the hell out before I found out just how mean those two could get.