7. 7

7

Ember

I ’d expected things to be awkward when Mr E arrived the next morning for my classes, but I’d underestimated just how strange it’d feel to be closed in a room with him, breathing in his enticing cologne, after having experienced how it felt to be in his arms, and how his lips felt as they touched mine.

I’d been unable to think about anything else all night, fantasising about that moment, but in my mind, things went further than my attempt to kiss him, and his hasty departure.

In my mind, in my fantasies, he’d grabbed the back of my head and pushed his tongue into my mouth, kissing me hard and forceful. That should be the kind of thing that’d freak me out, but in some ways it felt right, because I knew even if he acted forceful with me, he’d also back off if I wanted him to. He’d treat me right, and he’d respect my needs, and my fears.

See? All of this was in my head, and I was fully aware of that, painfully aware, but still. I’d never even imagined wanting those things with anything remotely male after what had happened to me, but I was wanting them now. Only with him.

“Em, we need to talk.”

Uh oh. Wasn’t that what men said in movies and stuff, when they were about to break up with a woman? Not that we were a couple, but I could almost imagine we were after how much time we’d spent together, how we’d laughed together, and talked about all kinds of things.

“Em, please look at me, and focus on what I’m saying, because it’s important.”

I forced myself out of my thoughts, and wishes, and dreams, and met his dark eyes. There was something so soulful and beautiful about his eyes. Had I never really noticed before how they seemed to be the warmest brown I’d ever seen?

“We need to talk about what happened yesterday, because that can’t happen again.”

What? I held up a hand, stopping him as he opened his mouth again to speak.

“What? Why?”

He blinked at me for a moment, showing off those warm browns again, while I basked in the pleasure of having them focused on me. I wondered how they’d travel over my body if I stripped naked for him, but then I realised that I could never show him my body, because then he’d see every jagged line of my self-hatred, wouldn’t he?

“Em, you’re my student. I’m your teacher, for god’s sake. I’m nearly twice your age.”

“I’m legal,” I pointed out, wondering why I wasn’t picking him up on the fact that the student/teacher thing didn’t matter, and neither did age. As it turned out, the most important point was that I was over the age of consent for England, and that meant it wouldn’t be a crime if he touched me, or kissed me, or if we made love.

“Legal doesn’t mean right, Em. It would be an enormous abuse of my position for me to even entertain such thoughts, and it wouldn’t be in your best interests-”

“Thoughts? What kinda thoughts, because I’ve been having them too. In my thoughts, you touch me, and you undress-”

“Dammit, Em, will you stop,” he hissed, as he glanced at the closed door in a panic. What was he so afraid of? My family? My parents? They were the most laid back, open minded people on the planet. There was no way they’d object to us being together, was there?

“Didn’t you like it, Ethan?”

He squeezed those gorgeous eyes closed, depriving me of their warmth for a long painful moment. When he opened them again, his face hardened a little, and I knew I was losing him.

“My name is Mr Erickson. I can’t allow you to blur the lines between us by using my first name. That was for-”

“For the bedroom? For when you’re on my bed with me in your arms? I can respect that, Mr E.”

He stood up, pacing warily, checking the door every time he turned his back on it.

“This could… this… it would be very bad, Em. You have to understand that. I’m your teacher, and I’m here to help you catch up enough to retake your exams. That’s all. I give you some leeway to express yourself, because of what you’ve been through, but-”

“What I’ve been through? Did they ever give you details, Mr E? Did you get the full picture? You know about the suicide attempts, but do you know why? Do you know why I wanted to be dead rather than continuing to exist? Did you know about the assaults? Did you know the things he forced me to do?”

Mr E gasped, holding up both hands to try and ward off the truth, like somehow he could stop me breathing the words, and therefore he could live blissfully unaware of the horrors of my life.

“Groping me, simulating sexual acts on me in front of the others, forcing his hands in my underwear… forcing me to… to… oh god… he put it in my mouth, Ethan. He forced me to… to suck… to-”

“Dear god, please stop! I can’t, I don’t, you don’t want to tell me these things, Em, you really don’t,” Mr E hissed, suddenly right in front of me, and that was where I needed him to be, because he’d catch me, right? He’d catch me when I fell.

Suddenly I was wrapped in his arms, tight against his chest again, his cologne filling my senses, as his warmth seeped into me, and pushed the bad thoughts and memories away. He was the only one who could offer me this. The only one I’d trust to touch me at all. He was my safe place, so this could never end. He could never stop being my teacher, or my confidant, or my friend, or anything else, because I couldn’t live without him, could I?

“I’m so sorry those things happened to you, Em. You didn’t deserve to be mistreated like that. Real men don’t do those things, okay? Real men don’t force women to do things they didn’t consent to, and you shouldn’t have been forced into them by whoever it was. Fucking hell, I want to punch the fucker who did it. I want… it’s not my place, but I really want to punish him.”

Warmth seemed to fill my chest, chasing away the cold tingles of worthlessness that always looped around my heart, making it hard to breathe, whenever I let those memories back in. He was fixing me, saving me. He’d protect me, and maybe eventually he’d love me too.

Ethan

ANYONE WALKING IN RIGHT now would jump to the wrong conclusion, and they should. Maybe it wouldn’t even be the wrong conclusion, because why the fuck was I touching her again? Why the fuck did I tell her not to blur the lines, and then wrap my arms around her? Was it just to comfort her, or was it because I just fucking wanted her in my arms?

Her dads would murder me if they caught us, and honestly, I was pretty sure I deserved that, because whether she was of legal age or not, she was definitely vulnerable, and only a bastard would take advantage of that.

I took a deep breath, and released her, stepping back when I was sure she would maintain her own balance.

“We need to focus on your studies, Em. We need to make sure we get you exam ready, so you can get on with your life. That’s why I’m here, and it needs to stay that way. I care about you too much to risk letting you get closer than you should.”

“So you’re just someone else who doesn’t want me, unless it suits your purposes? Or is it just that you want that other woman more?” I fucking knew it!

“That was you? You threw that rock through my window? Dammit, Em! Someone could have been seriously hurt!”

She folded her arms, glaring defiantly at me like the teenager she truly fucking was.

“Your girlfriend, you mean? She might have been hurt? Well, poor her. I mean she already has fucking everything, but yeah, let’s make sure she’s safe, and doesn’t get injured by the psycho teenager, right?”

Jesus fuck. This was getting out of hand, and this yelling was going to bring her damn fathers into this room, and I already knew I didn’t want to get on their bad side. There was something unnerving about both of them, and their entire dynamic.

“Em, please calm down. She isn’t my girlfriend, okay? She’s not… she’s not my anything, she was just-”

“Sucking face with you? I noticed you didn’t push her away though, just me. So it’s just me you don’t want, or is that I don’t dress slutty enough for you? Is that it? She was wearing that slutty tight top so you’d stare at her tits, right? Maybe I should do that. Is that what it’d take for you to see me as a grown up, instead of some kid?”

I clenched my fists, glancing nervously at the door again.

“You could try acting like a fucking adult, and maybe then I’ll treat you like one.”

She recoiled almost like I’d just slapped her, and that made me feel like an even bigger asshole, because she didn’t need more reasons to hurt or hate herself, did she?

“Please, let’s just draw a line under this, and focus on your lessons for today. We need to prepare you for the Geography exam, and there were some areas that-”

“So you break my heart, and then tell me to get on with my studies? Could you be a bigger asshole right now, ‘Ethan’?”

For fuck’s sake. How had this day gone so completely off the rails? I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t sit in this room with her and pretend that nothing had happened, or that nothing would happen.

If I stared at those pouty lips of hers for too long, would I have the willpower to stay away? Now I’d felt them against mine, I already knew I wanted that again. I was a predatory asshole, and she would be safer away from me.

I bent down and grabbed my bag from the floor, looping it back across my chest, as her eyes widened at me.

“This isn’t working out, Em. I can’t give you what you need now, because we’ve blurred those lines between us and I never wanted that. I tried so hard to-”

“You’re abandoning me? One little disagreement and suddenly you can’t give me what I want? Mr E, you’re the only one who can! You’re the only one who’s been able to get close, or touch me, without making me want to strike out and defend myself. The only one whose arms offered comfort instead of harm. How can you just leave me now?”

She wrapped her arms around herself, as tears started to course down her cheeks, creating dark tracks through her pale face makeup. I wished I could see the person beneath all the makeup, because she was stunning with it, but I had a feeling her real beauty was hidden beneath it.

“Em-”

“Go then,” she sobbed out, “just leave me alone, because that’s all I deserve, isn’t it? I’m just some messed up kid, who thought she’d found a friend at last, after being betrayed by literally every other person I thought was one. Why should you be any different?”

Fuck. I lifted my bag off and set it on the desk, approaching Em once more.

“If you can calm down for me, and sit down, we can try and talk this out, but you need to understand that I’m your teacher, and nothing can happen between us. It’s not right, and it’s not good for you.” Now I just had to keep reminding myself of that fact too.