18. Chapter 18

Chapter eighteen

Astrid

“Those aren’t cool enough yet for frosting,” I tell Tanya before she pipes the hazelnut frosting on top of the vanilla cupcakes.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Move on to the strawberry cheesecake ones. They need the dusting of graham crackers on top.”

I watch her walk away from me and then I move back to the mixer, checking on the next batch of cream cheese frosting.

I haven’t left my bakery in two days, except to eat and sleep. My mom has been taking care of my kids, my brother took Lilly to her dance class last night, my employees are going to be earning insurmountable overtime after this week, which I’ll hopefully be able to afford, and I haven’t seen Penn since he came over Monday night.

But this is temporary, I keep reminding myself. I’m almost done. The stress could have been worse and I’m grateful that, for the most part, everything has been running smoothly.

“Hey, sis.” I twist around to find my brother standing beside me, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans .

“Well, hello. Do I know you? Are you from the outside world where the other people are?”

He laughs. “I think you’re starting to go a little stir crazy.”

“What gave you that idea?” I fire back, trying to deflect with humor so I don’t cry or pass out. Adrenaline is keeping me running right now. That and caffeine.

“It smells amazing in here.” He peers into the giant mixing bowl that’s spinning around. “Cream cheese frosting?”

“Yup.”

“You know that’s my favorite.”

I eye him suspiciously, wondering why he looks so nervous. My brother doesn’t hide his confidence or masculinity. Blame it on years of walking onto a baseball field in front of thousands of fans, feigning confidence even if he didn’t feel it, but right now? He looks borderline afraid. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you look like Bentley right now about to tell me that he broke something or lost something.” I arch a brow at him. “What did you do?”

“Why do you automatically assume that I did something?” He pretends to be offended, but I’m a mom. I know bullshit when I see it.

“Grady…”

“Maybe we could talk in your office?”

I shut the mixer off, instruct Vanessa on what to do next, and then lead my brother back to my office so I can berate him in private. Once I shut the door behind us, he starts to pace the small room.

“What is going on, Grady? Why are you so worked up?”

“Well, first, I know about you two.” Transforming before my eyes, he stands up straight and crosses his arms over his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were going to tell you. We’re going to tell everyone after this weekend, but…”

He reaches out to me and grabs my hand. “You deserve to be fucking happy, Astrid.”

Tears well in my eyes. “I know.”

“Does he make you happy?”

I nod as a tear slips free. “He does. He’s so good to me, Grady.”

“I know he is. He says he’s in love with you…”

I smile, remembering his confession that stole my breath. “He told me on our trip.”

“And do you feel that way about him?”

“I do, but I haven’t told him as much.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m scared to let someone in all the way again.”

My brother pulls me into his chest. “Penn is not Brandon, Astrid.”

“I know,” I sniffle against his chest. “He isn’t and that’s why I’m so scared, because I don’t ever want to feel like that again or lose someone again.” I lean up and wipe under my eyes. “Losing Brandon was hard. It was painful. But losing Penn? I don’t think I’d survive it.”

“Love always comes with risks and there are no guarantees. But you can’t let fear keep you from living your life.”

“Easier said than done.”

He grimaces, and I’m reminded that there’s another reason he’s here. “Okay, so you can’t be mad at me because I didn’t know that Penn didn’t know…”

“Jesus, what did you do, Grady?” I wave my hand toward the door. “In case you haven’t realized, I’m kind of busy at the moment and don’t need more stress.”

“I kind of told Penn about you and Brandon.”

The urge to throw up overwhelms me. “No. You didn’t!”

“I thought you would have told him by now, Astrid.”

He reaches out for me, but I swat his hand away. “What did you say exactly?”

“I told him that he’d better not hurt you because you’ve already been through enough with Brandon and deserve better, or something like that.”

“That’s it?”

He winces. “I may have mentioned that you two were on the verge of a divorce when he died.”

I place my hand over my heart and move to my desk chair, desperately fighting to get control of my breathing. “Oh my God! I could kill you right now!” I glare up at him, wondering how the hell everything went so wrong so quickly.

He holds both hands above his head. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know that he didn’t know.”

Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I try to ward off the panic attack that I feel coming on. I haven’t had one since Brandon died, but this just might be the catalyst. “What did Penn say?”

“He honestly didn’t say much. I told him that I would talk to you first. Now you two need to talk.”

I slap a hand to my forehead. “I didn’t want him to know, Grady. I didn’t want him to think of his best friend differently. ”

“I’m sorry, but I also think he deserves to know. He deserves to know that you were hurt in your last relationship, and you want more for yourself.”

“Penn is more, Grady. He’s so much more than I ever thought I could have and you might have just ruined it.”

He shakes his head. “No way. You should have heard the way he talked about you, Astrid. He’s fucking gone for you. I’ve never felt that way about a woman.”

“You deserve that too, you know.”

He rolls his eyes. “I don’t think the wife and kids thing is in the cards for me, sis. The peak of my life has already happened.”

“Don’t say that, Grady. You’re only thirty-five.”

“Then why most days do I feel ancient?”

I stand from my chair and rest my hand on his chest. “Because most days you act like a grumpy old man.”

We share a laugh and then he groans. “I’m sorry, Astrid. Truly.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like you meant to share my secret, but now I’m sure Penn is going to be pissed at me for keeping this from him.”

“You two will work it out. Your friendship is so solid, something like this won’t change that.”

“That’s what makes this scary though. He’s been my friend for so long that it feels like there’s more pressure on us now. And there’s definitely more at risk now that we’ve crossed that line.

Grady wrinkles his nose. “I don’t need you to remind me that the two of you have seen each other naked, okay?”

I shove at his chest playfully. “Well, spill my secrets again and I’m going to scar you for life.”

He points a finger at me. “That’s fair. Threat made and point taken. I shall keep my lips sealed for the rest of time.”

** *

I wish I could say things got better after Grady left, but I’d be lying. As soon as I returned to the floor, chaos erupted. One of the mixers stopped working, which halted our frosting production. It was too late to call a repair service, so we finished cooking the cookies and cupcakes we could and I sent everyone home. I stayed and finished some paperwork, convincing myself that I wouldn’t have time for it tomorrow. But let’s be honest, I was avoiding going home—because going back to reality meant having to face Penn.

By the time I get home, my mother has fallen asleep on the couch.

She startles as I shut the front door. “Sorry,” I say quietly as she gets her bearings.

She glances back at the clock. “You’re late tonight.”

“Well, tonight was a dumpster fire of epic proportions.”

She stands from the couch, folding the blanket she was using before walking up to me. “Grady called me and told me that he messed up and told Penn about Brandon.”

“Yeah.” My eyelids feel heavy, I can feel my body wanting to give out, but a light knock on the door tells me my night isn’t over yet. “Shit.”

“Let me guess who that is…” Mom moves toward the door, and sure enough, on the other side is the man I know has plenty to say to me tonight. “Hi, Penn.”

“Hey, Melissa.” Penn nods at her and then his eyes meet mine. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

My mother reaches for her purse and swings it over her shoulder. “I’ll leave you two alone. See you in the morning, sweetie. ”

“Thanks, Mom.” She shuts the door behind her, leaving the two of us in the living room with nothing but silence and regrets.

I know he wants to talk and I know that he deserves my honesty, but I’m so spent that my body drops to the couch, I close my eyes, and heave out a sigh. “It’s been a day, Penn.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.” I hear his voice grow closer to me and then the couch dips.

“I know you have questions, but I can’t do this with you right now.”

“Seems to be a theme with you,” he says, spite in his tone.

I open my eyes, turn my head to the side to see him, and the hurt reflected back at me almost makes me want to cry again. But I have no more tears left to give. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If not now, then when, Astrid? When is it ever going to be the right time?”

I drop my head back on the couch, the weight of the day bearing down on me. “Penn, I spent all day prepping for one of the most important events of my career, one of my mixer broke right in the middle of that prep, then my brother came in telling me he has a big fat mouth, and now you’re here asking me for answers I just don’t have it in me to give tonight.”

“I don’t know. I feel like you’re keeping one foot out of whatever it is we’re doing here and there’s always an excuse.”

“Can you blame me? Do you not understand how crazy my life is and that this added stress isn’t helping?”

“But I could help you if you’d just let me in. If you’d let me take some of that stress off your shoulders. But you’re keeping me at a distance and I’m trying to fucking understand why.” I shake my head. “There are things I can’t tell you.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Astrid. If we are going to have any shot at a life together, you should be able to tell me anything, even if I might not like it. And you’re going to start right now. Tell me…what was really going on with Brandon before he died?”

“You don’t want to know that, Penn,” I whisper as the tears start to form. I thought I had none left, but I guess I was wrong.

He takes my hand and squeezes it gently. “I want to know everything when it comes to you. I thought that’s what last weekend was about, but apparently you were holding back on me. I want to understand why.”

He goes blurry as the tears threaten to spill over. “I thought it’d be better if I just left all that in the past. And I didn’t want you to think differently of Brandon.”

He cups my face, gently brushing away a tear with his thumb. “ You are my priority.”

I take a deep breath and send up a silent prayer that Brandon will forgive me for what I’m about to reveal, but knowing that, ultimately, it’s the right thing to do.

“Brandon wasn’t a good husband, Penn. You may not have seen it and I have no idea if he ever talked to you about our marriage, but I asked him for a divorce before he left on his last deployment. He wanted me to wait until he got back, hoping I’d change my mind, but I was done.” I stare across the room now, giving myself permission to tell him everything. “He belittled my passion for baking, he was never present when he was home, and I never felt like I had a partner. I can’t imagine what his job was like, but all I wanted when he was here was a husband, a friend, someone I could count on and he wasn’t that man for me.” Turning back to Penn, I see the anguish in his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel guilty because you think you’re disrespecting his memory or breaking some code—because our relationship was over long before he died. I just didn’t find the courage to leave him until it was too late.” I barely get the last word out before the tears begin to fall in earnest.

“Astrid…” He pulls me into his lap, leaning back into the cushions as I sob.

“I know he was your best friend, and I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I just wish you would have fucking told me this sooner.”

“I didn’t want to keep living in the past. What you and I have is different and I just wanted to move on.”

He kisses the top of my head. “I get that now.”

“I’ve spent so much time feeling guilty, Penn—for wanting you, for wanting to leave him, for my children losing their father, and for feeling relief that at least I get to pursue my dreams when he told me I never would. People don’t talk about feeling even a sliver of relief after their spouse dies. They don’t discuss how life can feel lighter knowing you don’t have to deal with the whiplash of emotions your relationship held. For years, I’ve mourned a man I didn’t even want in my life anymore, Penn. It’s been horrible.”

He grips me tighter and I can hear his teeth grinding. “That’s fucked up, Astrid. If I would have known, I would have said or done something.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your memories of the boy you grew up with, the man you supported and loved. But he was a different person for me.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers in my ear before resting his lips on my temple. “I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

Emotion overtakes me and I stay silent for a while, just letting Penn hold me while I think about how Brandon never would have consoled me while I was this emotional. He didn’t want to be bothered by me trying to communicate with him. He just didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy with the life we had.

Because I was always meant to have more.

And now I do. With Penn.

I sit up and stare into Penn’s eyes. “Please forgive me for not telling you.”

He shakes his head, closing his eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive, Astrid. I spent all afternoon trying to see it from your perspective so I wouldn’t be pissed, and I get it now. I needed to hear this from you. It makes a lot of things make more sense.”

“I still should have told you.”

His eyes pop open again. “Yes, you should have.”

“I promise that I won’t ever keep anything from you again.”

“I appreciate that.”

Sighing, I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. The exhaustion and stress from the day hits me all at once as the warmth of Penn’s body relaxes me. I don’t know how fast I fall asleep, but when I wake up, I’m covered by a blanket on the couch and Penn is gone.