19. Chapter 19

Chapter nineteen

Penn

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” Mrs. Hansen says for the hundredth time since I gave her my two weeks’ notice last week. After we talked, we agreed today would be my last shift as long as I helped her hire someone to replace me.

“You act like you won’t still see me.”

“It’s hard to find good help, Penn, to find people you can rely on.”

“I know, but it’s time for me to go out on my own.”

She huffs. “Yeah, I knew this day would come sooner or later. You sure I can’t persuade you to stay through the holidays?”

The fact that I still have two more hours left is already making me itchy. “I’m sorry. I have plans and things I need to take care of.”

“You’re still going to help me sit in on interviews for your replacement, right?”

I stare at the pile of applications. “You act like you don’t know every person in that stack, Mrs. Hansen.”

“Not the young ones, and I think that’s what I need. Some teenager that has the energy to do what you did for us. ”

How I’ve managed to keep up everything I do for two jobs and my own obligations is beyond me because my age is starting to catch up to me now, especially when I get shitty sleep because my mind won’t turn off.

“Yes, Elizabeth. That is what we agreed to.”

She claps her hands together once. “Just wanted to make sure.”

Once she walks away, I go back to restocking the shelves before moving to the lumber yard out back to unload the delivery we got this morning. As of two hours from now, I’ll only be here to purchase the lumber, never to stack it again. And I can’t fucking wait.

But my life took a turn yesterday I wasn’t expecting, and now the confidence I felt about Astrid and me has been shaken.

She and Brandon were going to get a divorce.

I still can’t fucking believe it, even though last night I spent hours going over memories, trying to pick up on clues as I held Astrid while she slept on me on her couch. She cried herself to sleep in my arms and when she finally settled, I didn’t have the heart to move her. Honestly, I didn’t want to. I can’t imagine the weight she felt lifted by finally telling me the truth, the truth I wish she would have had enough confidence in me to confide in me the first place.

Astrid must have been an actress in another life because she was phenomenal at putting on the face of a happily married woman. And Brandon? Well, he was dedicated to his country, to his title as a Marine, and that part of his identity always took precedence, I guess.

She sacrificed for him. She gave him two beautiful kids. And when she wanted something for herself, he didn’t support it. He acted like everything was perfect, though.

If he were here right now, I’d probably punch him in the face .

Which is exactly what Astrid was trying to avoid by not telling me the truth. She didn’t want my memory of him ruined because of the choices he made when he was alive.

Now the question is, what do I do with this information? Because no matter how busy I try to make myself, my mind keeps ruminating over the revelation on repeat.

“Didn’t you hear? The widow moved on with his best friend.” Chatter in one of the aisles catches my attention. I take a few steps from behind the counter to try to hear the conversation better.

“No she didn’t!”

“Well, if I had the chance to be with a man who looked like that, I’d probably take it too,” one of the women says as she and her friend huddle close in front of the painting supplies.

My pulse starts to pick up because if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the topic of their conversation is Astrid and me. But I might just be assuming.

“Still. She was married to the man, and to pursue his best friend?” Woman number one shakes her head. “That’s just scandalous.”

“I always wondered about them, though. The two of them were always together, and word on the street is they were spotted kissing at the grand reopening of her bakery. I honestly wonder if they’ve been fooling around for years.”

Fury races through me now that I’m certain Astrid and I are their source of entertainment. Clearing my throat, I head down the aisle toward them. “Hello, ladies. Can I help you with anything?”

Woman number two drops the paint sample cards she was holding as woman number one’s eyes go wide, watching me close in on them. “Oh, uh. No. We’re fine.”

“Are you sure? I can answer any questions you may have. You know, I have a lot of knowledge about…paint.” I gesture toward the color selections in front of them, even though I’m sure all three of us know I’m not here to talk about paint.

“No, no. We’re good.” Woman number one grabs her friend by the hand and they head toward the door. “Have a good day, Penn.”

“Yeah, you two,” I mutter as they leave, and then wonder how the hell they knew about the kiss at the bakery and who else might be talking about it. If those two women had the gall to come into the hardware store and gossip about me while I’m within earshot, that means word around town has already spread, fueling one of Astrid’s biggest concerns about our relationship

—the fear that the kids could find out before we’ve had a chance to talk to them.

I pull out my phone, looking at her text from this morning for the tenth time.

Astrid: Hey. Sorry I fell asleep on you last night. I hope you’re not mad at me. I’m so sorry, Penn. I don’t want this to ruin us. Please come by tonight so we can talk more…

I hadn’t texted her back yet because my mind is a fucking mess. But now, it seems there are other messes brewing so I contemplate whether I should text her to warn her about the gossip or wait until we have a chance to talk. The last thing that Astrid needs is more stress added to her plate. If I can find the source of the rumors before she hears about them, maybe I can put a stop to them.

My phone dings with a text before I can figure out my next move.

Astrid: Oh my God, Penn. Some customers came into the bakery just now asking about us! Apparently, someone’s spreading rumors.

Fuck. Gossip spreads faster than wildfire, I guess.

Me: I know. I just heard two women talking about it in the hardware store.

Astrid: And I’ve had two calls this morning from people cancelling orders saying they didn’t want to support a scandal.

Fuck. This escalated rather quickly.

I type out another response.

Me: It sounds like someone saw us kissing at the reopening.

The dots jump on the screen as I wait for her reply.

Astrid: That son of a bitch!

Fury races through me.

Me: Who, baby?

Astrid: Dick! He saw us, Penn. I saw him looking through the kitchen door, and he said some stuff to me afterward…

My teeth grind together. That fucking twat-waffle. I knew he was a fucking slimeball. He never had a chance with Astrid in the first place, but apparently his ego can’t stand the fact that she chose me instead of him.

Me: I’ll take care of it.

Astrid: What are you going to do?

But I don’t have time to text her back before Elizabeth reminds me of the lumber delivery that needs to be unloaded .

My phone dings a few more times while I’m working, but by the time I’ve seen Astrid’s messages pleading with me to leave it alone, my mind is already made up.

That Dick is going to get a piece of my mind once and for all. And he’d better pray he still has use of his dick by the time I’m through with him.

***

“You know, you should pay more attention to where you’re walking.”

Dick shrieks as his phone jumps from his hands, landing on the ground with a thud.

Good. I hope his screen is fucking cracked. Asshole deserves it .

“What the hell are you doing here, Penn?” His eyes dart around the empty parking lot, quickly realizing that we’re all alone.

“You honestly don’t know?” I ask, pushing off the car, uncrossing my arms, and walking up to him, watching his head crane back on his neck as he stares up at me.

His throat bobs as he swallows hard. “No.”

“I didn’t take you for an idiot, Dick.”

I watch his eyes narrow and then his jaw clench. “Don’t call me that.”

“I’ll call you what I see fit, asshole.”

“There are cameras everywhere, Penn.” He smirks. “You’d be a fool to try something you might regret.”

My control snaps as I grip him by the collar of his shirt and press him up against his car, his eyes full of fear as I hover over him. “I don’t give a shit who sees what I’m about to do to you.” He grimaces as I slam him into the car again. “Lucky for you, I don’t have time to get locked up today. I’ll just tell you this one time, Dick. Keep Astrid’s name out of your fucking mouth for the rest of your existence.”

He turns his head away from me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I slam him into the car again. “Don’t play dumb, Dick. You know exactly what I mean. This is a small town and gossip spreads like herpes—once it starts, it just keeps burning and everyone ends up catching it.”

“Sounds like you have some experience with herpes. Does Astrid know that?”

This time I rear back and punch him in the face. “I said don’t fucking talk about her!”

He stumbles backward and, when he lifts his head again, blood is streaming from his nose. “I swear, I don’t know what she sees in you,” he mutters.

“And that’s just it. You don’t have to understand it. But you do have to accept that I’m the one she chose. And if you can’t, and you keep running your mouth about us, this won’t be the last time my fist meets your face.” He glares at me, hunched over. “Have I made myself clear?”

He nods. “Crystal.”

“Good. And in case you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought, stay the fuck out of the bakery too. I don’t give a shit what you say about me, but when you start fucking with Astrid’s livelihood, that’s where I draw the line. Astrid doesn’t need your money and I don’t need the temptation to punch you again.”

I turn on my heel and walk back to my truck, vibrating with anger and wishing I could have done more damage to his face than I did. I didn’t plan on hitting him, but the second he started running his mouth about Astrid, I gave in to the instinct .

Still, there’s no telling if he’ll take my warning seriously, and confronting him doesn’t stop the gossip from flowing. It also doesn’t stop the churning feeling in my stomach that’s come on in the last twenty-four hours, so I head to the one place and one person that can help me come to grips with my new reality better than anyone.

***

“Mom?” I shut the front door behind me and call out for her, not sure where she’d be at this hour. It’s late on Friday night and I have an early morning, but if there’s one person who can help me clear the fog from my brain, it’s her.

“In the kitchen!” she calls out to me. I find her standing at the stove, pouring hot water into a cup of tea. “Penn, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you have fun plans with Astrid?” she teases before turning to me and taking in my face. And as soon as she reads my expression, her motherly instinct kicks in. “What’s wrong, Penn?”

I reach up and pull on my hair. “There’s just a lot on my mind, Mom.”

She motions for me to sit at the counter on one of the stools. “Do you want some tea?”

My mother drinks tea every night. She and my father used to drink it together. And even though I’m more of a coffee guy, I oblige her and hope she appreciates the company. “Sure.”

Once our cups are full and steaming, she motions for me to join her on the couch. She blows on her mug, takes a sip, and then says, “Talk to me, son.”

“That’s why I’m here. ”

She grins at me softly. “I have to say that as a mother, I’m honored I’m the person you all go to for things like this.”

“That’s because you always give the best advice.”

She nods. “Most of the time, but I’m human too, Penn. Lord knows I’ve made my share of mistakes and needed other people to knock some sense into me a time or two.”

“Well, I didn’t make a mistake this time, Mom. At least not yet.” I stare down into my mug, knowing damn well it’s too fucking hot to drink yet. Hitting Dick wasn’t a mistake, but moving past this rock in my gut could be one if I can’t wrap my head around everything I know now about my best friend and his marriage.

“Talk to me, Penn.”

I glance over at her and let out a long breath. “Astrid and Brandon were going to get a divorce before he died.”

She swallows hard, pausing for a moment before saying, “I know.”

Her admission has me straightening in my seat. “What?”

Nodding, she inhales deeply. “Yes. He told your father, and naturally, your father told me after Brandon died.”

Holy shit. All this time Astrid thought that no one else knew but her mom and brother. But it looks like Brandon told my dad. He confided in my father, but not in me.

“Why would he tell Dad and not me?”

“You can imagine why, Penn,” she says tilting her head at me.

“I was his best friend…”

“Exactly. Don’t you think he was carrying around shame about his marriage being in trouble and didn’t want you to look at him that way? Like a man who couldn’t keep his relationship together?”

“Fuck.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as anger burns up my chest. “Do you know how guilty I’ve felt for the past four years? ”

“Yes, but like I already told you, you shouldn’t. What happened has happened, and there’s no changing that. And it wasn’t my place to bring that up.”

“Astrid wasn’t ever going to tell me, Mom. I found out from Grady, who found out from their mom.”

“Is that why you’re torn up in knots? Because you feel like she betrayed you?”

Staring down into my tea again, I shake my head. “No. I’m not angry with her. I actually felt remorse when she broke apart in my arms last night. She carried that secret for years but didn’t want it to affect our relationship so she just kept it to herself.”

“That’s what she felt was best.”

“But it feels like she couldn’t trust me with the truth about her past, and now I find out that my best friend didn’t trust me either.” I look up at her again. “He always told me things were good between them, perfect even.”

“A lot of people lie to cover up the truth that they don’t want to face.”

“But he should have trusted me with the truth, right?”

Her brows draw together. “I don’t think it was about trust, Penn. I think it was more about shame and disappointment in themselves, especially because Brandon was a Marine. Being a military spouse comes with certain expectations, sacrifices that you sign up to make when you take your vows, and to want out of that, there’s a stigma attached to it.” She reaches out for my hand. “You have to remember that when people are going through something, it's usually more about them than it is about you. They were navigating a life-altering change and did what they felt was best. Your friendship with both of them stood to be changed if you took sides. Did you ever think about that? ”

“Fuck. No. But I fucking feel like my best friend wasn’t the person I thought he was.”

“That’s understandable, but not everyone shows us every side of them, Penn. I wouldn’t take this personally, honey. And if Astrid finally confided in you, I would take that as a compliment—that she felt safe enough to let you see the darkest parts of her, the parts that she didn’t want to share with anyone.”

“Yeah, only because Grady forced her hand.”

She takes my hand in hers. “Don’t you think that’s a good sign too? That Grady assumed she would have disclosed that detail of her life with you? Doesn’t that speak to the level of friendship and comfort you two share?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You have to remember, Penn. What we find easy as friends becomes a burden as lovers. It’s difficult to cross that line and not have it affect your relationship.” She squeezes my hand and then goes back to holding her mug with two hands. “Let me ask you this. Did she tell you what was wrong in their marriage? Why she felt like she wanted out?”

“Yes,” I say through clenched teeth, still irritated that a man I respected so much couldn’t be bothered to invest energy into his marriage and the woman he chose to build a life with.

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Like I want to prove to her that I can be the man that she needs.”

Her lips spread into a slow smile. “Then you've learned everything you needed to in this situation. The only thing to do now is move forward and love her the way she deserves.”

** *

The wind whips around me, but I keep trekking along in the grass, getting closer to the grave that I need to confront.

My mother may have said that the only thing I needed to do now is move forward, but in order for me to do that fully, there are a few things I need to get off my chest.

I don’t know if I believe in life after death, spiritual connection and the ability to send messages beyond the grave. But tonight, before I prove to the woman that I love that she’s the brightest star in my sky, I need to make my peace with the man who dulled her shine.

When the headstone comes into view, emotion builds in my throat. I’ve only been out here one other time, just a few months after he passed. I was pissed at him for leaving his wife and kids alone, for not coming home to all of us—and yet proud that he made the ultimate sacrifice for his country, something I never signed up to do because I didn’t want to be faced with that harsh reality someday.

No matter how I feel about his treatment of Astrid, I will always hold the utmost respect for the soldier that he was, the friend that stood by me when times were tough, the man who asked me to be the godfather to his children, and the boy who offered his friendship when I was just a lonely kid on the playground.

“Hey, man.” I stand above the headstone, staring down at his name and the dates he entered and left this life. “It’s been a crazy month or so, and if you’ve been watching over us, you probably know why I’m here.” My throat grows tighter as I talk, and the wind picks up. The December air is frigid and part of me wishes I wouldn’t have left my big coat in my truck. This suit jacket just isn’t thick enough to fight off the cold.

Pulling my jacket tighter around my body, I continue. “I honestly don’t know what to say, don’t know if you’re even listening, don’t know if this shit even works—talking to those that aren’t here anymore. But for me to move forward, I need you to know that I never planned this. Hell, when Astrid and the kids lost you, I felt grief for myself and for them. I thought my friend had lost the love of her life, and for a moment in time, you were that person for her. But now?” I shake my head. “Now I want the chance to be that person for her.”

The frustration that’s been resting in my chest starts to come out. “All this time, all of this guilt I’ve been carrying around, and for what? You two were done. She was ready to move on and when I finally felt like we could, the truth slammed into me out of nowhere.” I sigh and wipe under my nose that is growing colder with each minute. “I can’t ever know what you may think of this. And hell, if you were still alive, I don’t know if I would have felt this way about her or not. But this is where we’re at now—desperate for one another and needing each other for the support it takes to keep living while chasing our dreams. And even though I know you’ll always be her first, the man who gave her children, I want to be her last, her fucking everything—the man she needs and deserves for this next phase of her life.” I pound my fist on my chest as my eyes go blurry from the building tears.

I stare off in the distance, letting the breeze whip around me again for a moment. “I’m sorry you can’t be here, that you don’t get a second chance, man. The kids deserve to have their dad, but Astrid is worthy of happiness too. And I hope you can accept that, accept that living after losing someone is one of the bravest things you can do. It takes courage and the permission to be selfish because the only person that can keep living for you is yourself.”

I swipe under my eye as one tear falls. “I’m going to her event tonight, the one she’s catering by herself, the one where she gets to showcase her talent and I’m going to support her, cheer for her, and kiss her in front of everyone because I want her to know how proud I am of her. I only hope you can be proud of her now, too.” I nod and then take a step back. “Until we meet again, brother.” I give him a salute and then turn on my heels as I blink away the tears that have yet to fall. And just before I get to my truck, something flies through the air and hits me in the eye.

“What the?” I take the thin piece of paper off my face and stare down at it as goosebumps break out on my arms. “Holy shit.”

The tag from a Hershey’s kiss sits right in my palm, the thin white strip with blue letters clear as day and unmistakable. I look over my shoulder, back at the graveyard behind me and swallow—unsure if this was just a coincidence or if this was the sign I needed—the reassurance that the past cannot be undone, but the future still remains bright.

And there’s only one woman that I want in mine.

***

Lights flash beside me on the other side of the highway, blinding me slightly as I keep speeding toward Raleigh. I’m already behind schedule because of traffic. I don’t know what the holdup was, but the irritation in my body multiplied the later the time on my app kept telling me that I was going to arrive.

I let Astrid know last night that I had some matters to take care of so I couldn’t swing by her house, but also I needed some time to get my head on straight. And now that I have, I can’t wait to tell her everything that she needs to hear, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to do that in a damn text message.

Brake lights flash in front of me, warning me that traffic is about to slow down again.

“Mother fucker! Are you kidding me?” I pound my palm into my steering wheel, running my hand through my hair again. This can’t be happening. It’s one of the most important nights of Astrid’s life and I’m going to fucking miss it.

Please God, don’t let me miss this.

If I don’t make it, she’ll never forget it. I have to be there, to support her, to be proud of her, to encourage her in everything that she’s already accomplished and still has yet to.

A car slides in front of me. I slam on the brakes.

And when I hear the screech of tires and crunch of metal, I brace for the impact that I know is coming.