13. Chapter 13

Chapter thirteen

Penn

Work is the best distraction. When there’s people to help at the hardware store and orders to fill at the restaurant, my mind has no choice but to focus on the task at hand, which means there’s less time for me to wallow in my guilt over craving my best friend’s widow.

God, just thinking those words makes my stomach roll.

It’s part of why I’m so tired, part of why I am working myself to the bone. I know I should quit the hardware store and restaurant. Hell, I’m only working at each place three days a week now because I need time to work on my rental house and finish the paperwork to establish my business, but I need to stay busy so then at night, when I bury myself in Astrid, I don’t feel the shame.

I can’t wonder about what Brandon would think anymore. Every time I do, it kills me. And then I think about my dad—the disappointment in his eyes I’d be sure to see.

“You honor your brothers, Penn, even the ones not related to you by blood. Trust is something you never want to lose between men.”

I shake off the memory of his voice and slather the wood in paint again, finishing up the Christmas backdrop that my little sister asked for so I can bring it to her tomorrow at Thanksgiving. She has sessions already booked for this weekend, and I’m already pushing the deadline she set for me pretty tightly. But again, I’ve been so busy and trying to keep Astrid close so she doesn’t overthink our new dynamic and freak out that my responsibilities have gotten away from me.

After I finish the last coat of paint, I hop in the shower and race to Catch & Release for my shift. Dallas greets me as I slide up next to him at the bar.

“Do you realize you have paint in your hair?” he asks, glancing at me from the side.

“I tried to get it out, but honestly, it’s easier once it dries.”

“True.” I can feel his eyes on me as I pour the tequila into a shot glass, making a margarita. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” I grate out, growing tired of being asked this fucking question.

“You don’t seem fine.” He leans closer to me and drops his voice. “Is everything going all right with Astrid?”

“It’s fine.”

“Jesus, you sound like a woman right now. You and I both know that fine doesn’t actually mean everything is fine.”

I shove him away and shake the tumbler before pouring the drink into a glass. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. You finally went after the woman that you’ve wanted for years and you’re not acting like a man should.”

“And how is that?”

“Like a fucking peacock,” he says, making me arch a brow at him. “Puffing your chest out, fanning your tail…” He trails off and then recognition dawns on his face. “Ah, fuck. You two haven’t done much talking yet, have you?”

“Are you the fucking relationship guru now?” I retort .

“Hey, my relationship may be new, but I learned my lesson about not saying what’s on my mind. Talking about shit sucks, but you can’t read her mind and she can’t read yours. Plus, you two are bringing another person into this relationship, and you can’t pretend like that’s not the case.”

“I fucking know,” I mumble, lowering my voice as I place the drink on the server tray waiting on the counter. “But we haven’t exactly had the chance to dive into that topic yet and I don’t want to rush that conversation.”

“True. I don’t know, though…” He scratches his chin. “I feel like you guys need to make time for that.”

“And when the fuck would that be?”

He takes a step toward me and looks me dead in the eye. “You fucking make time, Penn—because when something’s important to you, that’s what you fucking do.”

***

“God, it smells good in here.” I inhale the aroma of turkey and whatever else my mom has cooking already right as I step into the house. Call me weird, but I love Thanksgiving food. I wore a worn pair of jeans today that have a little extra give just so I can gorge and not feel completely miserable. But that after-dinner nap is really what I’m looking forward to after the past few weeks.

When I round the corner and step into the kitchen, I’m greeted by the sight of my sister and my mother standing side by side, mixing food together in bowls with pans strewn all over the counters. I’m the first of my brothers to arrive, which actually pleases me since there’s less shit talking I have to participate in. My mind and body can’t handle too much thinking right now.

“Put on an apron and help,” my sister says with a grin on her lips.

I take a seat at one of the stools on the other side of the kitchen counter instead. “I don’t want to get in your way. You two look like you have a system going and the last thing I want to be accused of is disrupting it.”

My mom grins at me knowingly. “Well played, son.”

I tip my chin at her, smirking right back at her. “I thought so.” Then I turn my gaze back to my sister. “By the way, your backdrop is in the bed of my truck.”

Hazel does a little shimmy. “I’m so excited to see it! Thank you, big brother.” She blows me a kiss and then goes back to mixing the stuffing together.

“You’re welcome. I hope it looks okay. I was half asleep while I was building it.”

“Using power tools while not fully conscious probably isn’t a good idea, son.” My mother shifts dishes around on the counter.

Hazel studies my face. “Yeah, now that you mention it, you look like shit.” She points to my eyes. “You’ve got bags, big brother. You may want to consider using a night cream.”

“Shut up, Hazel.”

“I mean, you’re not getting any younger, Penn.” She giggles as she keeps stirring the contents of the bowl.

“Is it too early to start drinking?” I ask, moving to the fridge, but my mother blocks me.

“Yes. Now sit your butt down and relax. Your brothers will be here soon and you three can all gorge and drink until your heart’s content once they arrive.”

I head for the couch. “Sounds like a plan. ”

By the time Willow, Dallas, and Parker arrive, I’m itching to take off the edge of irritation and fatigue I’ve been riding all morning. My brothers and I turn on football and relax while the girls dance around each other in the kitchen.

Mom always serves dinner around two on Thanksgiving so we can eat and then eat again later if we want. I sit back in my chair at our family dining room table and feast on turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, cornbread casserole, and cranberry sauce. My mom’s cooking just gets better and better as time goes on, but I watch her glance over to my father’s empty chair over and over again, and I can tell she’s struggling today.

Even though all her children are here, we will never be enough to fill that missing piece in her heart.

After everyone eats, I notice my mom walk back to her room, so I quietly follow her.

“Mom?” I call out to her as I open the door and see the bathroom light on through the crack in the door.

“I’ll be out in just a second.” I wait for her to shut the light off and open the door, and when she comes out, I can tell she’s been crying. “Penn? You’re still in here?”

“Did you think I’d leave you alone?” I motion for her to move toward me so I can hug her. “I’m sorry I can’t take away your pain, Mom.”

“Thank you. It’s just rough. The first holiday without him, and I…” She sniffles and sighs. “He was the love of my life, Penn. Words can’t express how much it hurts to lose that.”

The love of her life.

And is Astrid mine? I’m afraid that I already know the answer to that question .

“I’m sorry. I miss him too…Although I’m not so sure that he’d be happy with me right now.”

She rears back, looking up at me with confusion. “Why would you think that?”

Sighing, I motion for us to sit on the bed, side by side. “I kind of did something and I’m fairly certain Dad wouldn’t approve.”

“What did you do, Penn?” She grabs my hand, looking up at me nervously.

I look my mom dead in the eye and say, “I went after Astrid.”

Her eyes go wide. “Oh my goodness.” But then she smiles and the light in her eyes returns. “I have to say, I always wondered if you felt that way about her.”

“I did. I have for a long time, but I shouldn’t, Mom.” I hang my head and blow out a breath.

She places her hand on my knee. “Why not?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“I mean, I can see why you might think that, but Brandon isn’t here, Penn. Have you two talked about it?”

“Not really. We’ve been…doing other things,” I say cautiously as my mother smirks. “But talking isn’t really one of them. I’m afraid to push her to talk to me about him, but I know that we need to. I feel like I need to.” I pound my fist on my chest, wishing the force would unwind the tightness there. “Life has just been crazy, and I’m not sure how to broach the topic with her. I want her to know that I’m serious about her, that I wouldn’t have acted on these feelings if I weren’t, but I also know that there are so many distractions and reasons we could use as reasons not to be together. How…” I take a deep breath and continue, “How do I get her to actually talk to me?” My mother hums. “We don’t exactly get a lot of alone time to talk either,” I add. “There’s always a kid, or a job, or… ”

My mother squeezes my hand. “You take her away.”

“What?”

“Out of town, away from Carrington Cove so it’s just the two of you with no one else around.”

I brush a hand through my hair. “It’s only been a few weeks and I’m already sick and tired of sneaking around, Mom.”

“Then all the more reason to do this. Show her what it would be like if you two were a real couple.”

“I mean…”

“Have you had that conversation?” my mother asks.

I lift one of my brows. “What did you not understand about the fact that we haven’t really talked?”

“No need to get testy with me, young man. You’re the one that came to me for advice, so watch your tone.” My mother points a finger at me with narrowed eyes.

“Sorry.” I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “But do you really think taking her on a trip is the solution?”

My mother nods. “Speaking from experience, the times when your father and I could get away, just the two of us…those were the times that kept our relationship alive. That’s when we could actually talk and we weren’t being interrupted by real life and kids around every corner. It was just him and me,” she says, emotion clogging her throat now. “Those trips reminded us of why we chose each other all those years ago and why we loved each other.” She tilts her head at me. “Getting away from reality can actually help you get a handle on reality, as backwards as that sounds. And you two need the space to figure out exactly what you want.”

“What about Brandon?” I ask. “She was his wife and that won’t change. ”

“He would want her and the kids to be happy and loved in his absence.”

“But he was my best friend. It feels like betrayal. And Dad was always so adamant about loyalty, brotherhood…”

“Let me ask you this. Do you think your father wouldn’t want me to be happy and move on if I had the chance?” my mother asks, catching me off guard—not only because that’s something I hadn’t considered, but also because I can’t imagine my mother with someone else.

“I—I don’t know.”

She narrows her eyes at me. “Yes, you do, but let’s try it this way. What if you had been Astrid’s husband first?” My heart starts to race. “What if you were the one that died and Astrid fell in love with Brandon? Would you not want her to be happy if she had to live a life without you?”

Fuck. I never thought of it that way.

“I—I don’t know how to answer that because how I feel about it is irrelevant. I’m not him.”

My mother arches her brow. “Exactly. How Brandon would feel is irrelevant too— because he’s not here, Penn. But you and Astrid are. And I swear,” she says, clenching her teeth, “if you mess this up with her, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Are you threatening me?”

She nods, but her smile is playful. “You’d be a fool to let her slip through your fingers.” Her eyes dance with emotion. “Don’t be mad at me, but I always wished she had fallen for you instead of him.”

“Mom…”

She holds a hand up. “I know things happen for a reason, but now you have a chance. Take her away, show her the man that you are, the man you can be for her. Make her talk to you and fight for what you want. I’ll take Bentley and Lilly if need be, but you need to do this. Trust me.”

“I don’t know if she’ll ever fully let me in, Mom,” I say, voicing my biggest fear out loud.

“Then this is your chance to show her you can be who she needs. That she’s safe with you.”

I pull her into my chest and kiss the top of her head, breathing in the smell of garlic, rosemary, and spices on her. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, Penn. And please don’t worry about letting down your father.” She sits up again and looks me in the eyes. “I think you’d be surprised to know that your father was quite the hopeless romantic.”

“Really?”

“Yes. In fact, I think that’s where Hazel gets it from—that desire for love, that need to feel wanted. When he was struggling with depression, I reminded him of everything he had to live for, and it was his undying love for his family that pulled him out of that dark place. He could never be disappointed in you for going after what you want, especially if it’s for love.”

The corner of my mouth lifts up and emotion swells in my chest. “I think I needed to hear that.”

“I wish he could have told you himself, but…”

“He’s here with us today, Mom. I know he is.” My throat grows tight, but only because I hope for both of our sakes that he is here and he knows that we miss him.

I miss him terribly.

And I hope to God he’s not disappointed in me.

“I hope so.”

With one last hug, I release her and stand from the bed. “I guess I need to talk to Astrid now. ”

“Make sure you do it in person, that way she can see the sincerity in your eyes. And she can’t hide. Remember that our bodies can say just as much, if not more than words do.”

If that’s the case, then I’m pretty sure Astrid already knows how I feel. Now it’s time for her to hear it, and for me to get over the guilt of wanting her once and for all.