10. Chapter 10

Chapter ten

Astrid

“Was that my first birthday party?” Lilly asks me as I flip the page in the photo album, stroking the pages with my index fingers as the memories start blending together.

“Yup. As soon as you took one bite of your cake, you had to eat the entire thing, so you just buried your face in it.” Chocolate cake crumbs cover her face completely so the only color you see is the white of her eyes.

Lilly giggles as I kiss the top of her head.

“Gosh, I was a fat baby,” Bentley says from the other side of me.

“You were a chunk, that’s for sure. You loved to eat. But look at you now.” Pinching his ribs, I wait for him to start squirming and leap from the couch. My little boy isn’t so little anymore.

“Where’s Daddy in this picture?” Lilly asks, pointing to a photo of them opening Christmas presents. Lilly was two and Bentley was six.

“Your dad was in another part of the world at the time.”

Lilly nods as her lips fall solemnly. “Kind of like he is now?”

“No, baby. Your daddy is in heaven now, sweetie. He’s in the clouds watching over us. ”

“I wish you could visit the clouds,” she says, her bottom lip sticking out.

“I know, sweetie. Me too.”

Although, right now, I’m not sure what Brandon would have to say to me, and that’s part of the turmoil I’m still facing in light of recent events. The doorbell rings, thankfully pulling me from my thoughts. “Bentley, can you answer that, please? It’s Willow.”

“Can I have kisses from Daddy?” Lilly asks, staring up at me. Normally I wouldn’t let her have chocolate this early in the day, but I can tell she needs the comfort right now. Looking at these pictures brings up a lot of emotions for all of us.

“Sure, baby. But just one.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, Lilly,” Willow says as she steps through the door and Bentley shuts it behind her.

“Hi, Willow!” Lilly takes a Hershey Kiss out of the vase and holds it out to Willow. “Want a kiss from Daddy?”

Willow glances at me and I nod slightly, encouraging her. “Sure, sweetie. Thank you.”

“Chocolate makes everything better.”

“You’re only seven and if you already know that, life will be a little bit easier for you.” Willow bops her nose playfully.

“Kids, Willow and I are gonna visit, okay? You wanna play in your rooms or outside?”

“Can I play video games now?” Bentley asks. He’s been grounded from them since his fight.

“Yeah, I guess. You’ve done everything I asked of you this week.”

“Yes!” He runs toward his room and Lilly follows him down the hall to hers. She’ll be content playing with her dolls for hours .

“You want some coffee?” I ask as Willow follows me into the kitchen.

“No, thanks. I had my quota for the morning. Besides, we have things to discuss and you need to stop stalling.”

“You just got here!” Reaching for the coffee pot, I top off my cup.

“And I’m ready to get down to business.” She follows me back to the couch and grabs the photo album from the cushion where I left it. “Taking a trip down memory lane this morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Out of guilt?” She casts a glance at me as she flips through the photos.

“Pretty much.” As soon as I take a sip of the hot liquid, I wrap my hands around my mug and sigh. “I’m a horrible human being.”

Willow’s eyes snap to mine. “No, you’re not. You’re an amazing, hardworking mother who’s allowed to have feelings, desires, and needs.”

“But Penn shouldn’t be the person I want to fulfill those things.”

“Says who?”

“Society?”

“We’ve been through this, Astrid. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Now spill. You said there’s something that Penn doesn’t know and it could ruin your friendship. What’s going on?”

I stare down at my mug and lower my voice so the kids can’t hear me. “Well, you know that Penn and Brandon were close, but I’m pretty sure Penn never knew that we were on the verge of a divorce before he died.”

Willow’s brows pop up. “Oh my God.”

“Yeah. Our marriage was over, Willow. We had so many issues and I told him I wanted a divorce a few weeks before he deployed. The timing was awful, but I couldn’t keep denying what my heart already knew. He begged me to give it some time and wait until he got back to make the final decision, and I told him I would. But honestly, I was already done.”

Tears well in my eyes. “We were so young when we got married. I was nineteen and he was twenty. We were kids ourselves and I got pregnant right away. We grew into two different people and I started resenting him, and vice versa.” My eyes find the photo album, looking at a family picture from when Lilly was three, just before Brandon left on the deployment he never came home from. “Then he died, and I should have felt guilty, but I was angry. Angry I wouldn’t get the chance to live the life I envisioned after we divorced, one that he would still be involved in for the kids. How horrible does that make me?” I choke out.

Willow scoots closer to me on the couch and rests her hand on my thigh. “You’re not horrible, Astrid. You’re human.”

“My husband died, my kids lost their father, and all I kept thinking about was me. And then once I snapped out of that, I felt guilty for not loving him enough. I lost the man that was such a huge part of my life for so long. I grieved the relationship we used to have and the one that we could have had if I had tried harder. I felt horrible because he was upset with me before he died. Our last conversations weren’t always pleasant. We put on a good show for the kids, but after they left the room and we could talk privately, the animosity and frustration came out. Brandon was angry that I wanted out, and I was angry that he couldn’t see why.” Shaking my head, I sigh. “I didn’t feel like I had a partner. His job took him away, and I knew that was the sacrifice that we made, but I feel like it took him from me , too. He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with, and he never supported me finding an outlet for myself. ”

“That’s to be expected. Like you said, you guys were young when you got together.”

“Yes, but I also felt like he didn’t see me. I felt inconsequential, like he assumed I’d just always be there. I wanted more for myself, and every time I brought it up, he’d dismiss my dreams.”

“Like the bakery?” she asks.

“Yes. Baking was just a stupid hobby according to him.”

“I’m so sorry, Astrid. This is heavy. You’ve been carrying this around all this time?”

I nod. “Yes. The only person who truly knew what was going on was my mother, and I regret even telling her because it changed the way she saw him. That’s part of the reason I never told anyone else. Not only did I not want people in our business, but then Brandon died and I didn’t want his memory to be tainted by our marital problems.” I stare down at the photo album. “He was a good man, a loving father, and the boy that I gave all my firsts. But he wasn’t a great husband, and the last thing I wanted was for him to be remembered that way.”

Willow twists to face me, tucking her legs up underneath her. “So why does Penn need to know this now? After all this time?”

I asked myself this same question last night as I lay in bed, but I kept coming back to one issue. “I’ve only been with one man in my life up until two days ago, and for the past three years, I’ve done nothing but compare Penn to Brandon—how Brandon fell short where Penn rises above. And I feel so guilty. Will I always compare Penn to Brandon, or vice versa?”

Willow hums in thought. “I think that’s only natural given that they’re the only two men you’ve been with, Astrid. Give yourself a break. This situation is complicated.”

“Complicated is putting it mildly. I just slept with my dead husband’s best friend after lusting after him for years. How does that make me look?”

“Like a woman who finally realized she deserves to be happy.” Her words hit me square in the chest. “Who cares who it’s with? All I can say is it took me thirty-four years to find a man worth taking that leap of faith with, and I’m glad that I waited because I know what’s possible now with the right person. You already know what you want because you now know what you don’t want. The question is, is Penn the person to give it to you?”

“He’s such an amazing man, Willow. I think he could be everything I need and it’s terrifying.”

“I understand that all too well.”

“But I’m so scared of what would happen if it didn’t work out.”

“There’s no way to tell the future.”

“Believe me, I know. I never imagined my husband would die. I knew it was a possibility, but I never thought it’d happen to me.”

“What has Penn said about everything?”

I shake my head. “We haven’t talked yet. Actually, he’s supposed to come over tonight. I thought maybe you could help me figure out how to handle this before then.”

“Well, what do you want, Astrid? Are you willing to take a risk and really see where this could go? Or do you want to keep things the way they are?”

I chew on my bottom lip. “I don’t think I can go back. Not now that I know how it feels to be with him. And it’s not just the sex. But something between us shifted last night, and I really do want to explore that. ”

“Then you know what you need to do. You need to talk to Penn and tell him what you’re feeling. And when the time is right, open up to him about Brandon.”

“I don’t want him to remember his best friend in a harsh light, but how do I start a new relationship without thinking about the old one, without being truthful with a new man about what I didn’t get from the last one?”

“I know it’s tricky, but as the man of your future, he deserves to know the parts of your past you don’t want to repeat.”