9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Astrid

“No matter what happens today, just know that I’m proud of you.” I lean down and kiss the top of Bentley’s head, even though he’s trying to pull away from me.

“Mom, stop,” he groans, fixing his jersey.

“Just go out there and do your best. That’s all you can do.”

He shakes out his limbs and jumps up and down a few times. “I know, but I just really want to win.”

“I know you do.”

“Boys, time to warm up!” Dallas calls from his spot on the field, and the team rushes out to meet him.

“Be careful, please!” I yell at my son as he rolls his eyes and runs to where the other boys have all gathered.

It’s the championship game for Bentley’s soccer team, and I can’t deny that my nerves are high. They are on a normal game day too, but today they’re exacerbated by the fact that Penn and I had sex last night and we still haven’t had the chance to talk about it.

Part of me expected a text or call from him this morning, but the only one I received was a picture of the floors that he finished early this morning. When I went into the bakery to fulfill the cupcake order that got ruined during our sexcapades last night, I couldn’t believe how beautiful the store looked now that the renovations are all completed.

But as soon as I walked into the kitchen, all I could see and think about were our naked bodies and every surface they touched last night. And to make sure that the health department could never accuse me of being an irresponsible bakery owner, I disinfected the entire kitchen, especially the metal counter where we spent our time.

I figured Penn probably slept most of the day so he could be coherent enough to help Dallas coach the game this afternoon, so when I arrived and he greeted me as if nothing happened, my anxious thoughts started to spiral out of control.

Did he regret what we did? Did the time between last night and now give him clarity that we shouldn’t have gone that far? What does this mean now? Are we going to chock it up to a one-time thing, or pretend like it never happened?

“God, you make me crazy. I’ve thought about this so many times, Astrid. How you would feel, how you would sound.”

His words conveyed a strong message in the moment, but I honestly have no idea where his head is right now because I’m having a hard time getting my own under control.

“Hey, there!” Willow comes up beside me, startling me so badly that I jump.

“Jesus!” I place a hand over my chest, feeling my heart thrashing underneath. “I am already on the verge of a heart attack, so please tread carefully.”

Willow rubs my shoulder, looking slightly concerned. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay. It’s just been a crazy morning and I’m really nervous about the game. ”

She wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Dallas is confident they can win this thing. They have a strong offense. He told me all about it this morning after we had sex on the kitchen counter.”

I turn to face her slowly. “Didn’t need to know that.”

“Sorry. But it was amazing and I’m still thinking about it.” She waggles her brows.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

In a matter of minutes, the game is underway, and I can’t stay seated in my chair for longer than two seconds. My eyes keep bouncing between the game on the field and the man whose lips I can’t stop feeling against my ass as he licked frosting off of it. I’m so on edge that I start biting my fingernails, a habit I kicked a long time ago, but somehow my nervous system hasn’t forgotten about.

“Astrid, if you don’t stop, you’re not going to have a fingernail left.” Willow pulls my hand from my mouth, holding it with her own instead.

“God, I hate this. Bentley wants this so much.” I feel her stroke my arm, trying to offer me an ounce of comfort as we stare out at the field, watching the teams fight tooth and nail, each pass and missed goal amping up the anxiety on the sidelines.

“I know, hon. But losing is part of life too. He’ll be fine either way.”

I shake my hands out at my sides, releasing hers from my grasp. “I’m just so on edge.”

Willow narrows her eyes at me from the side. “You are, more so than usual. Are you okay, girl?”

I dart my eyes over to hers quickly before returning right back to the field. “I’m—I’m fine.”

“Uh, I don’t believe you.” She steps in front of me, snapping her fingers in my face, which forces my eyes to hers. “Astrid Marie, what are you not telling me?”

“That’s not my middle name,” I argue, wary of how she’s staring at me right now.

“I don’t care. There’s something else going on here, and you’d better spill. We don’t keep secrets from each other, remember?”

Staring back at her, I chew on my bottom lip. “Willow…”

Her face morphs from curiosity to concern. “Do you need an attorney? Did you do something illegal?”

“What? No!”

“Then what is it?”

This is the last place I should be talking about this, but I can’t keep it to myself any longer. I look around us before leaning over and whispering, “I had sex with Penn.”

“What?” she shouts, drawing anyone within thirty feet’s attention to us. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” she whispers now, even though it’s too late.

“Jesus, Willow. Now everyone is going to know.” Burying my head in my hands, I kick myself for saying anything. I should have just waited until we were alone.

She pulls my hands away and forces me to look at her, lowering her voice and leaning in closer to me. “No, they won’t. All they heard me say was ‘what.’” We both blow out a breath at the same time. “Now, tell me how this happened. And more importantly,” she says, arching a brow at me, “was it good?”

I groan, closing my eyes and sighing. “It was incredible. So hot. There was frosting involved.” Popping one I eye open, I gauge her reaction.

“Frosting?” she asks, surprise in her voice.

“Yes. It happened at the bakery last night, but, it can’t happen again.” I shake my head furiously as our team scores a goal, deciding in that moment that it’s better to just move forward than stay in this limbo I’m currently suffering in.

We pause our conversation to celebrate the goal. As soon as the game starts back up, Willow turns her head toward me once more. “Why not? I thought that’s what you wanted?”

Anguish makes my chest even heavier now. “I can’t do it, Willow. It’s Penn…he’s my friend. Was my friend?” I draw my brows together, even more confused. “How do you stay friends with a man after you sleep with him?”

“Brandon has been gone for four years, Astrid. And it is Penn . You know him. He wouldn’t let this come between you two...”

“I know, but…” I take a deep breath and say, “There’s something that Penn doesn’t know. And when he finds out, it’s going to ruin our friendship if it isn’t already.”

Willow’s mouth falls open as a whistle rings out on the field. But I don’t turn to look at her because I can only imagine what she’s thinking. And now is definitely not the time to have that conversation.

“What do you mean?” She leans into me again.

“Not here, okay?” I plead as Bentley comes running up to me, grabbing his water since it’s halftime.

“We’re winning, Mom!” Sweat slides down his temples even though the fall chill in the air makes me grateful I brought a jacket today.

“I know, hon. You’re doing amazing!”

“I’m gonna try to score a goal for you, okay?” He lifts his water bottle and squirts a stream of liquid into his mouth.

“That’s so sweet of you, baby, but not necessary. Just play your hardest.”

“I am. We’re ahead and we’re gonna win this thing!” He tosses his water bottle to the ground and then races back out onto the field where the team is huddled around Penn and Dallas talking strategy.

“He seems to be doing better,” Willow says as we stare at the boys.

“He is for now. I have an online appointment with a therapist for him this week. I think it’s important for him to start talking to someone as these situations and feelings start to rise to the surface as he gets older.”

“I think that’s smart. I wish I had gone to therapy sooner,” Willow agrees. “You’re doing the right thing for him, Astrid.”

“I hope so. But this is just another reason Penn and I shouldn’t get involved. He’s such a huge part of my kids’ lives, Willow. If something happened and they lost him too…”

“What is it that you’re keeping from him, Astrid?”

I shake my head and whisper, “Now isn’t the time to discuss it, Willow.”

“Okay... But regardless, I can’t see why you two don’t belong together. I mean, anyone with two eyes and two ears in this town can see how much you two care about each other.”

“But is it worth the risk?” I say quietly, mostly to myself.

Willow picks up on it, of course. “I think so.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re in love and it’s new. Try throwing a couple kids in the mix along with a dead husband and his best friend. Then come talk to me.”

Willow laughs. “Well, why don’t you talk to me about it and I can help you see reason? I can come by tomorrow morning sometime. I’d suggest tonight, but the team party is after this, right?”

A whistle rings out on the field as the referee calls a foul on our team. “Yeah.”

“Then it’s a date. ”

“You mean like the one I never ended up going on?”

Willow bumps her shoulder against mine. “You and I both know you never wanted to go out with Dick.”

“I know.”

“So don’t stress about it.”

“He wants to reschedule, though.”

“Well, if he tries to, just let him down gently. You’re good at dealing with people, Astrid. I mean, hell…you got me to open up.”

Her comment makes me chuckle, but the truth is I know she’s right on some level. I am good with people. It’s never been an issue for me.

But dealing with Penn after our choices last night? That is something I have absolutely no experience with whatsoever.

***

“To the under twelve champions!” Dallas shouts in Perky’s Pizza, a local pizza joint that is always the hot spot for team get-togethers. I remember having my own team parties at this place when I was a kid. That’s how long it’s been around.

All the boys holler loudly, rattling the old walls.

“This season has been one of a kind,” Penn says, echoing Dallas’s sentiment. He’s barely made eye contact with me all night, so I still haven’t been able to get a read on him. “I think I speak for my brother too when I say that coaching this group of boys has been an honor and a privilege. And we know that none of this would be possible without the support of the parents. So let’s give the parents a round of applause!” Penn claps his hands together loudly as the boys join in. Bentley claps his hands right in my face, making me laugh. And when I look up, Penn’s eyes lock on mine and he winks .

A flash of heat travels all the way through my body.

From a wink.

God, I’m in trouble .

“I wish there was a way to keep this crew together every season, but we will always remember this team as champions. Now let’s party!” Dallas pumps a fist in the air as the boys rush him and Penn for their free tokens—and when I say free, I mean the brothers bought tokens for all the boys to be able to play games.

Yet another reason why Penn is just simply irresistible—his generous heart.

“Mommy, can I have tokens too, please?” Lilly turns to me, bouncing in her chair.

“Yes, baby.”

But before I can reach into my purse to grab cash, a large hand I would recognize anywhere slides right in front of my face and hands a stack of tokens to my daughter. “Here you go, Lilly Bear.”

“Thanks, Uncle Penn!” Scrambling to keep the tokens in her tiny hands, she puts them all in her pockets and then scurries off. Penn stays standing behind my chair, not saying anything. But I feel him.

I always feel him .

“Having a good time?” he asks, his voice low but steady.

Too scared to face him, I look down at my hands and manage a shaky, “Yeah.”

“Good.”

“You?” I ask, wishing he’d give me any clues as to what he’s been thinking.

“Absolutely. The boys did incredible today. I’m proud of how they played.”

“You should be. You and Dallas are exceptional coaches, Penn.”

“Thank you. ”

I reach for my water and take a sip, clearing my throat.

“We need to talk,” Penn says quietly, leaning down so his mouth is right by my ear. When I slowly turn to the side, he places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Not here.”

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Can I come over later?” he asks, his voice deep and gravely now.

“Probably shouldn’t. My mom is supposed to come by to congratulate Bentley.”

“Tomorrow night then?”

I swallow hard but then think the timing would be better. I’m supposed to talk to Willow tomorrow, right? Maybe she can help me make sense of everything that I’m feeling.

I know I told her earlier that this thing between Penn and me can’t happen, but I’d be lying if I said I actually meant it. Hell, just a glance at my nipples could tell you I’m lying.

I should have worn a thicker bra today.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” His finger dances along the skin right above the neckline of my shirt. “Looking forward to it. See you then, Astrid.” And then he walks away, acting like he didn’t just wreak havoc on my nervous system.

I let out the breath I was holding and watch Penn saunter across the room, dodging kids running through the restaurant and pausing to talk to parents every time they stop him.

He looks like he’s in control, and now I know from experience just how controlling he can be.

But he doesn’t look how I feel on the inside. He doesn’t look like his head is a mess or like he’s so on edge the slightest noise could scare the shit out of him. And I’m not sure how that’s possible given the huge boundary we crossed last night .

Before I can ponder things further, my phone vibrates on the table. The screen lights up and then I see a message from Dick—I mean, Richard. When I open it, my eyes read the words so fast that I have to read his text over again to make sure I read it right.

Richard: Hey, Astrid. Hope you’re having a great Saturday. Just texting to see when you might be available this week to reschedule our date. Let me know as soon as you can.

Sighing, I debate how to respond. But then my eyes find Penn across the room, helping Lilly with the Skee-Ball game, rolling the balls with enough force that she can actually score points. They’re smiling, laughing and giving each other a high-five, and right then I know what to do.

Me: Hey, Richard. Listen, I really appreciate you asking me out. I was sincerely flattered. But the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think I’m just not ready to date yet. My life is crazy right now, and that wouldn’t be fair to you. I don’t have the time and attention to give to that part of my life right now. I hope you understand. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone, though.

When I hit send, I turn my phone over so the screen is down and then another parent comes over to talk about the bakery.

Later that night as I go to bed, I realize Dick never responded, and I honestly think it’s better that way. Now, all I have to worry about is what Penn is going to say to me tomorrow night when he comes over.