Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

P enny walked down the hallway, one foot in front of the other. Amazing how her legs could still work when she was certain her heart had stopped beating. The joyful sounds of laughter drifted in from the restaurant as she continued to walk down the dimly lit hall. Halfway down, she veered to the right and ducked into the bathroom.

She made her way to the sinks. One sink really. A long rectangular hole with three spouts above set to motion sensors. She waved a hand in front of the middle spout, watching as water rushed out of the silver metal. Dipping her fingers in the flow, she felt the liquid cover her hand. Warm liquid covered her cheeks as well, but that wasn't from any man-made contraption.

It was a man caused one.

Sucking in a sharp breath, she reminded herself she'd done the right thing. It would have been cruel and unfair to both of them if Penny had kept silent about her feelings. BJ needed to know she loved him. It wouldn't have been right to keep it from him. It would have destroyed her to hide it. And bringing a child into the world under false pretenses like that wouldn't have been fair to them, either.

"I did the right thing," she whispered to the rushing water.

Then why did it feel like she'd ruined everything?

Removing her hand from the stream, the spout turned off. Glancing up into the mirror, she took in her tear-streaked face. The waterproof mascara her sister had suggested lived up to its name. The eyeliner, however, did not.

Grabbing a tissue from the counter, she dabbed under her eyes, removing the evidence of her greatest bravery and biggest regret.

No. Not regret.

She would never regret telling Bravo she loved him. Her chest ached to shout it to the rooftops. Let everyone in the world know how wonderful this man was. But she feared in revealing her true feelings she'd lost her best friend. Having sex was one thing, revealing your true feelings—and not having them be reciprocated—was completely different. The power balance was off now.

Would he always be uncomfortable around her? Wonder if her motives were fueled by friendship or…love?

She'd been sure he'd say it back. Or maybe she'd been hoping he'd say it back. Truthfully, she knew dropping the L word on BJ was a risky move. His actions spoke of love, but the man himself was still too afraid to say it. How did she combat years of stubborn fear?

A shaky sigh left her.

She couldn't.

All she could do was tell him the truth and leave the ball in his court. Which she'd done. Now she had the unfortunate position of waiting for her best friend to come to his senses.

"But when will that be?" she asked her reflection.

Doubt and worry stared back at her from her own eyes. The ‘what ifs' plaguing her mind.

What if BJ never got over his fear?

What if…he didn't love her?

What if she'd been wrong about everything and he just enjoyed playing her protector?

Insidious doubts crept into her mind. Every interaction they'd ever had played over in her memories as she tried to pick apart the meaning. She often got social cues wrong. It was common, being autistic, that she misinterpreted situations and people's actions. Had she mistaken everything between her and BJ? Their decades of friendship?

No.

She clutched at her chest as the heart she thought had stopped working pumped in overtime. Anxiety riding high, she closed her eyes and took three deep breaths. She was panicking. Rightfully so, considering she might have just imploded her one and only friendship. But she also knew, deep down, that her friendship with BJ was not and never had been a lie. He did care for her. It hadn't been fake.

"But I might have destroyed it," she whispered, her voice cracking as another tear slipped free.

Only time would tell. She had to give BJ space to process. Think things over. He needed to dig deep and ask himself what he truly wanted out of life. She couldn't help him with that. The temptation to encourage him to pick her was too great. She didn't want him like that. Creating a family with BJ, loving him, caring for with, sharing every part of their life together, was all Penny wanted. But she didn't want that unless he wanted it too.

Forcing someone into a relationship was a sure way to have it end in misery.

"I can do this," she said to her reflection. Taking a fortifying breath, she straightened her back and lifted her chin. Infusing as much confidence as she could into her posture. "I said my truth and now I have to wait for BJ to come to his."

But how long would that take?

The creak of the bathroom door filled the empty room. Penny's heart speed up. Was it BJ? Was he coming to tell her he loved her and wanted to be with her? She turned, a hesitant smile on her face, only to freeze. The crushing blow hitting her in the chest as her niece ran into the bathroom, a pinch expression on her face.

Of course it wasn't BJ. This was the woman's bathroom. He wouldn't have followed her in here. She wasn't even sure he knew she was in here. She left him out back. For all she knew, he was still standing out there in the chilly fall air.

"Gotta pee!" Alison screeched as she ran into the first stall, slamming the door shut.

Penny held in a chuckle as her sister entered the bathroom, sighing heavily.

"Alison, next time listen to your body and get off the dance floor before it's an emergency."

"They were playing my favorite song, Mom! Besides, I made it."

"Yes, good job, sweetie, but bodily functions are more important than songs—" Gwen glanced over to Penny, smiling. "Oh hey, Penny. We were wondering where you and BJ got off to."

At her sister's not-so-subtle suggestion, the pain sliced through her again. It must have shown on her face because Gwen was at her side in an instant.

"Hey, are you okay?"

It was times like this she wished she and her sister had the kind of relationship where they shared things. Talked about heartbreak and how to fix it. Unfortunately, all she and Gwen talked about fixing was technology. She didn't blame her sister. Connection went two ways. They loved each other, but family didn't always guarantee friendship.

"I'm fine," she answered, trying for a convincing smile. "Just on my cycle and it's a…painful one."

"I hear you. I swear last months nearly took me out." Gwen nodded sympathetically. "Did you take meds?"

She nodded; grateful her excuse wasn't a complete lie.

"Want me to go get BJ?"

She shook her head. If Gwen insinuated she wasn't feeling well, BJ would be there in a heartbeat. Because that's the kind of person he was. Even with this huge confession hanging between them, he'd still be there for her if she needed him. Which was why she had to give him space.

"No, I don't want to pull him away from his family's big night. I'm going to head home, lay down with my heating pad, and sleep."

Gwen frowned, staring hard for a moment before nodding. "Okay. If you're sure."

"Eat some ice cream, Auntie Penny," Alison called from behind the closed stall door. "Mommy always eat ice cream when her tummy cramps and she says it helps a ton."

She laughed, the wisdom of a child. "Thank you, Alison. I'll be sure to do that."

Giving her sister a brief hug, she left the bathroom. As she made her way back into the restaurant, she glanced around. Everything looked just as it had before her world fell apart. People were eating, talking, laughing. The makeshift dance floor was still filled with rambunctious children. It was as if nothing had changed.

But it has.

Her entire world would never be the same after tonight. She had no idea what tomorrow looked like. What the future held for her, but she knew that right now, for tonight, she needed to go home and nurse her wounds.

Stopping by the table, she breathed a sigh of relief that BJ was absent. Giving her parents a hug, she mentioned she wasn't feeling well. Her mother asked if she needed medicine, going for her purse to grab her own to offer. Penny waved the gesture away. She didn't need drugs. She needed an answer to her question. But unlike a painkiller, she couldn't conveniently get that. She would have to be patient and wait until BJ was ready to give her one.

And hope it was the answer she wanted.

She waved at her brother-in-law and nephew on the dance floor as she made her way out the door. Charlie shot her a worried glanced as she was leaving, but Penny shook her head, trying to assure the other woman she was fine. The last thing she needed was Charlie interfering in this whole mess.

Thundered rumbled in the distance. The air smelled crisp, cold. An icy drop of rain hit her cheek. Taking an eerily similar path as her warm, wet tears had only a moment ago. A fall rain. How appropriate for her mood. It was as if the universe was mourning with her. She tried not to take it as a sign of bad things to come. She had to believe that given enough time, BJ would realize he loved her too and they could be happy together. No matter how much time they were given in this life.

She had to believe.

Or else life would be as dark as the storm sky above.