21. Lev

21

LEV

I pull my hood lower over my eyes as I climb the fire escape as quietly as I can. Elle’s bedroom light is off, but I have a feeling she’ll be waiting up for me.

I haven’t been back to visit since the other night when we slept together, but for good reason.

It was selfish of me to give in to my own need to have her. Knowing who I am, what I’ve done …

Elle deserves a hell of a lot better than me.

After speaking with Nina the other day, her warning has played on repeat in my mind ever since.

I can’t keep this from my family, Lev.

Her family.

The one that was torn apart by grief because of me.

It’s only a matter of time before Elle knows the truth of who I am, which is exactly why I want a chance to speak to her one last time.

As expected, the moment I peer in through her open window, I find Elle sitting on the edge of the bed. But something is different .

Something is… off.

She’s fully dressed, despite it being past midnight, with her arms folded across her chest. Not that I was expecting her to be lying naked and ready for me, but this feels in complete contrast to how she was the other night.

Is it because I haven’t been back? Does she think I’m done with her now that I got what I’ve wanted?

My chest tightens at the thought.

I can’t really blame her for thinking like that. After all, I’ve made no attempt to speak to her since that night.

But she needs to know that I stayed away for her own good, and not because I didn’t enjoy myself.

It’s the fact that I enjoyed myself too much that has made me stay away.

Or perhaps this has something to do with what happened earlier…

I followed Elle across the city to her cousin’s house after her therapy session, but she was barely in there ten minutes before I caught sight of her running out the door with tears streaming down her face.

I was so close to storming the place and demanding what the hell was said to make her cry, but then I considered the reality of the situation.

Nina could already have gotten to her, which means I’m too late.

She knows the truth, and it’s all over.

I hope for my own sake that it’s not that.

My heart starts to hammer in my chest as I climb in through the window.

I’m desperate to go to her, to beg for her forgiveness, but I know I don’t deserve it. So, I keep my distance, choosing to lean against the wall and try to ignore the pain in my chest.

“Elle?” I whisper when she still doesn’t speak .

Fuck, I wish I could see her face if only to read her expression. Going in blind like this is torture.

“Is everything okay?”

She is quiet, but I don’t push her.

“Is it true?” she whispers.

Her voice is so cold and emotionless that each syllable is like a punch to the gut.

“Is what true?” But I already know what she means.

“Alexei told me that you’re Lev.”

All the air leaves my lungs as she finally speaks my name out loud.

It’s all over.

“So, I will ask you again. Is it true that you’re responsible for the death of the parents of Alexei and his brothers?”

I hang my head at her words.

“I’ll leave if you want me to,” I manage to say through the lump in my throat. “But I won’t stop watching you, Elle. Not until I’m sure that you’re safe.”

“I want you to stay,” she whispers.

My head snaps up. “What?”

“I want you to stay, Lev.”

“How… How can you want me anywhere near you now that you know the truth of what I’ve done?”

She sighs. “I know I should hate you. I know I should do a lot of things. But I can’t ignore the fact that you saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

I hate how blasé she’s being.

Does she not understand how dangerous I am?

“Don’t let that cloud your judgment of me, Elle. I’m not good for you. I’m not good for anyone.”

“So, is it really true? Did you kill them? ”

I run a hand over my face as I try to take a steadying breath.

“I honestly don’t know. The evidence suggests I did, but I…I don’t remember.”

“I’m confused. How can you not remember something like that?”

I have no doubt that Elle has been told the story behind the murders of Andre Koslov and his wife. About how Alexei witnessed them being butchered in their own home and could do nothing as his mother and father bled to death.

It was brutal and completely barbaric.

Which, apparently, is something I am.

“I don’t remember a lot of things.”

“What do you mean? Like amnesia or something?”

“No, not like that. It’s more that I…black out. Sometimes, I can be out for five minutes, and sometimes it’s hours. I wake up, often somewhere completely random, with no memory of how I got there or what I’ve done.”

“How often does this happen?”

“It varies, but I’ve had a few recently.”

“That sounds scary.”

“What’s scarier is not knowing what I’ve done during that lost time.” I shake my head. “When I blacked out the other day, Nina came to get me. It turns out, I had abandoned my car on the side of the interstate and had walked for hours until I reached the edge of some cliff.”

“Oh, my god…”

“Nina’s been the one who helped me through my blackouts in the past, which is why I gave in and called her. It was then that she told me the truth about how my mother had an affair with Andre Koslov, which means that Igor was never my real father.”

“Oh, Lev…”

“Which means that I killed my own father in cold blood.” I fight the urge to vomit as the words leave my lips.

“How does that make you feel? That Igor isn’t your father?”

Is she seriously ignoring that fact that I just admitted to murdering my own father?

“Tell me.”

I almost laugh at her attempt to try and turn this into some sort of therapy session.

I should give Dr. Mills some credit. It seems Elle’s learned a trick or two from her over the years.

“Relief,” I admit. “But that soon turned to horror and guilt. I hate that I can’t even fucking remember doing it!”

My temper flares, and I curl my hand into a fist.

I’m seconds away from sending it through the wall when Elle gets to her feet and steps closer to me.

“You’re not a bad person?—”

“Don’t say that.” I shake my head. “I don’t deserve to get off that easily. I should have to suffer with the memories of murdering them for the rest of my life.”

“Igor is a terrible man. Nina told me all about him. What he threatened to do to her daughter if she didn’t hand over Anton to him…” Her voice trails off, and my jaw clenches.

“That fucking bastard. What did he ask her to do?”

“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Lilya is safe and well.”

For now.

Igor is still out there, biding his time, and he will stop at nothing to get revenge.

I’m living proof of that.

“Now that I know who you are, can I see you? I mean, really see you? ”

“Elle…”

How can she want to see me after everything I’ve done?

“Please.”

She doesn’t wait for me to protest before walking over to her bedside table to turn on the light.

I screw my eyes shut as I try to ignore the rising sense of panic that has my hands shaking.

I've imagined this moment dozens of times over the years, but it always ends with Elle looking at me in disgust as she sees my scars.

Maybe that’s what it will take for her to realize the truth.

My hands shake as I lower my hood so that she can finally see me for who I really am.

Scarred.

Damaged beyond repair.

I lift my eyes to scan her face as she slowly takes me in. I don’t miss the way her eyes linger on the scars that peak out along my neck from beneath my hoodie, and I wait for the flicker of repulsion, but it never comes.

“Elle…” I whisper, bringing her eyes back to mine.

She keeps them locked on me as she crosses the distance between us.

Even in a pair of leggings and an oversized hoodie with her hair piled high on her head, she’s breathtaking.

Her hips sway with each step, and I try not to remember what it felt like to explore her body with my hands. And when I finally get to stare deep into her green eyes, something that I’ve dreamed of doing for years, all the air leaves my lungs.

She is everything that I want, and yet can’t have.

I notice the tiny brown flecks around her pupils as well as the small cluster of freckles on the bridge of her nose .

It’s like I’m seeing her for the first time, and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

“Elle…”

But her eyes have moved to my scars once more.

I freeze as she reaches out to trace her fingertips along them, the skin pebbling beneath her touch.

“I’m not afraid of you.” She gently strokes my scarred skin.

I shudder, both from her words and her touch.

“You should be.”

She ignores me as she traces along my shoulder and then down my arm until her fingers are interlaced with mine.

“Sit with me.” She tugs me over toward the bed.

I don’t have the energy left to fight her, so I do as she says, perching on the edge of the bed beside her.

Our knees touch, and Elle keeps hold of my hand, squeezing it tightly.

“You’re lost in your head.”

“Yeah…” I sigh, my shoulders sagging with the weight of the past few days.

“Did he hurt you?” Elle moves my hand to her lap. “Is that why you have these scars?”

She turns my hand over to start tracing the ones covering them.

“My father—” I shake my head. “ Igor hurt me in many ways.”

I hate myself for not letting her know the whole truth.

“Can you stay the night?”

My chest tightens at the hope in her voice.

How can she be so forgiving of what I did?

I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve her .

I can only hope she will be just as forgiving when she finds out what else I’ve been keeping from her.

“I want to, but I need to go.” I reach out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “But I want you to know that I’ll always be out there, protecting you, Elle. I promise you that.”

Her beautiful green eyes start to glisten with tears, but she nods.

I let myself trace her lower lip with my thumb before getting to my feet.

Every step away from her feels like there’s a ten-ton weight on my back, but it’s for the best.

She needs time to process, and sleeping together would only confuse her more.

I’m about to duck out through the window when Elle gets to her feet.

I turn on instinct and bite back a groan as she saunters toward me with such need in her eyes that it almost sends me to my knees before her.

“Wait,” she whispers before wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me.

At the first touch of her lips, she melts against me.

It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to grip her by the waist and push her up against the wall. To part her thighs and press my thickening cock against her so she can feel how badly I want her.

But that can’t happen.

No matter how much I want it to.

As she parts her lips, inviting me to explore her sweet mouth with my tongue, I pull away and rest my forehead against hers.

“So beautiful,” I whisper as I stroke her cheek.

Her eyes flutter closed at my touch and for a moment, I lose myself in the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips, at the look of contentment on her face as I touch her.

My heart may already be broken beyond repair, but walking away from Elle after she looked at me the way she did, as if I mattered , is enough to shatter it completely.

“Sweet dreams, Elle,” I whisper before dropping my hand from her face.

She keeps her eyes shut, as if she can’t bear to watch me go.

For once, I don’t look back as I head down the fire escape, not wanting to think of what I’m leaving behind as I head out into the night.

Before I even have a chance to step off the fire escape onto the sidewalk, a tattooed hand is around my throat, and I’m being thrown to the ground.

“Oof.”

“You fucking piece of shit,” Mikhail Koslov snarls in my face. “I’m going to kill you.”

I should have known he would be waiting for me. I was stupid to think I would get to have more time with Elle. But even if I had realized, it wouldn’t have stopped me from sneaking in through Elle’s window tonight. I needed to speak to her, to know that she didn’t hate me.

Though, I’m not naive enough to know that it’s only a matter of time before she does.

“Fuck you.” I take Mikhail’s face in my hands and slam my head into his nose.

He curses, but it does the trick.

His hands fly to cover his nose, which is now pouring blood, and it takes no effort to push him off me.

My head spins as I climb to my feet, and blood starts to trickle down my neck.

Fucking great .

As I ready myself to land a punch to Mikhail’s face, a gun safety clicking off has me freezing.

He’s not alone.

“I’d stay where you are if I were you,” another voice sounds from behind me.

Anton .

I’m outnumbered and completely unarmed. I didn’t think to get my own gun out of the glove compartment of my car when I left to visit Elle. I was ignorant in thinking I wouldn’t need it, and it’s too late to go back for it now.

What matters is getting Mikhail and Anton the hell away from Elle’s apartment before they shoot me, and I’m left bleeding to death.

“Tell my sister I say hi,” I mutter over my shoulder to Anton before I take off at a sprint.

“Fuck. Mikhail, come on.”

I don’t risk looking over my shoulder as I turn left at the end of Elle’s street. I just have to hope that there aren’t any other’s waiting to ambush me as I head in the opposite direction to my own Manhattan apartment.

The last thing I need is Mikhail and Anton turning up on my doorstep.

“You can’t fucking run all night!” Mikhail roars.

From the way my lungs burn and my eyes water, he’s right. I’m sleep deprived and have lived off nothing but coffee for the last thirty-six hours. If anyone is going to give out first, it will be me.

But I can’t let that happen.

I have to keep going.

Gritting my teeth, I quicken my pace and dart left.

Their footsteps are growing fainter, so I turn right and then immediately go down a tiny side alley, which is home to numerous overflowing garbage cans.

The stench makes me gag, but I don’t have long until they catch up to me. Pinching my nose, I slide in between two of the cans and hold my breath as the sound of their pounding footsteps approach.

I watch as their shadows pass by the entrance to the alley.

My heart pounds in my chest as I wait for the sound of gunfire.

But it never comes.

Instead, the shadows move out of sight, and I finally release the breath I’ve been holding.

“Stay the fuck away from Elle, or I’ll kill you!” Mikhail yells into the night as his and Anton’s footsteps fade to nothing.

“Maybe you should,” I mutter as I climb to my feet and start the long walk back to my car.