22. Elle

22

ELLE

I’ve spent so many nights lying awake and conjuring up an image of what I thought Lev would look like. From what I’ve felt beneath my fingertips when I’ve touched him, I knew he would have a sharp jaw, no doubt covered in stubble, and messy hair that fell into his eyes.

Those eyes…

They were more haunted than I imagined. They were the deepest shade of brown, so dark that in certain lights I’m sure they would look almost black. And the dark purple bruise beneath them told a story of someone weighed down by the weight of their past.

I know because I’ve seen those exact same bruises under my own eyes at one point in my life.

But that didn’t make him any less beautiful.

I know he is ashamed of the scars that cover his neck and hands, but to me, they only represent his strength. I couldn’t stop touching them. I wanted him to know that nothing about him repulses me, even after everything I’ve learned .

Which is why I was so surprised when he left in such a hurry.

I thought that perhaps he would want to stay.

I can’t deny there’s nothing I wanted more than to take him to bed and climb on top of him if only to experience the look of pleasure on his face as he spilled inside me.

Instead, it’s been almost a month, and there’s been no sign of him.

Every time I leave the hospital, I linger outside the entrance wondering if he’ll somehow make himself known. Even when I get ready for bed, I’ve been standing in my robe at the window, hoping to entice him inside once more through the promise of sex.

But nothing works.

I want to believe that he’s stayed true to his promise, that he's still out there somewhere, watching me. But I can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong.

After he finally let me turn on the light, I thought it would bring us closer together. Not further apart.

I try not to let it bother me, but how can I not feel used?

“You seem agitated, Elle.” Dr. Mills’s voice brings me back to our consultation, her pen hovering over her notebook.

“Mmm…” I fiddle with the hem of my sweater.

For my last few sessions, I’ve managed to steer the subject away from Lev and have focused mostly on my past issues. But I knew that at some point I was going to have to admit the truth about my relationship, if I can even call it that, to Dr. Mills.

“Is there something particular on your mind?”

“Yes. You’re going to think I’ve gone insane.”

“I’m not here to judge you, Elle. Whatever it is, let’s work through it together. ”

“I slept with him. There. I said it. Out loud.”

“Slept with whom, Elle?”

“My stalker.” I half-laugh, half-sob. “I slept with him, and he’s essentially blowing me off. If that’s even possible… Ugh, what the hell is wrong with me!” I throw my hands up in the air.

“Let’s take a step back.”

But I ignore her. It’s as if now that I’ve finally been honest, I can’t seem to stop.

“Oh, and I found out his real identity.” I scoff. “No thanks to my cousin who went blurting about the entire thing to her husband and his family. Turns out, not only is he their missing half-brother, but he’s done some pretty dark stuff that has directly hurt the people I care about. So, that puts me in a pretty tricky situation.”

“What kind of dark stuff?”

“I’m not dismissing what he’s done, but he’s repeatedly put himself in danger to protect me, and I can’t just forget that.”

“Does your cousin, or any of your family for that matter, know the extent of your relationship?”

“No. And they can’t ever know.”

“Why is that?”

“Because…” I run my fingers through my hair. “They think I’m in danger.”

“And what do you think?”

“I think I’m an idiot for pining after a guy who’s clearly only interested in one thing. Which I practically gave to him on a silver platter, by the way. I didn’t make him work for it one bit, and now he’s done with me.”

“Elle, let’s think rationally for a moment.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“Do you think you’re in danger? ”

“No, which is what I kept trying to say to Mikhail and his brothers. But they’re refusing to hear my side. They’re treating me like a silly little girl who can’t make decisions for herself! So no, I don’t want to tell them the truth because they’ll likely lock me up and throw away the key.”

“Is what your family will think the only thing that’s keeping you from being together, do you think? Because I’m assuming that’s what you want.”

“I thought that’s what we both wanted, but since I learned who he really is, I’ve not heard from him.”

My eyes start to sting, which only infuriates me more.

“So, I have no idea what’s happening between us.”

“Have you considered that perhaps he needs some time to process things on his own before he sees you again? After all, he clearly kept his identity a secret for a reason, so to finally strip away that barrier must have made him feel very vulnerable.”

“I guess…”

“I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss him, Elle.”

Dr. Mills’ advice plays on repeat in my mind as I leave the office after our session ends.

I know I should give Lev the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes, I just need to wallow in self-pity.

Which means, instead of going home and cleaning my apartment, I’m going to spend the rest of my free afternoon doing the one thing that never fails to cheer me up when I’m feeling down.

Shopping.

I hit store after store to stock up on plenty of supplies for the perfect self-care night. I’m just tossing a plumping sheet mask into my basket when my phone starts to buzz in my purse.

I don’t bother looking at who it is because I know it’s Lucia. She’s called pretty much on the hour, every hour, since I stormed out of the townhouse weeks ago. And I’ve sent each of those calls to voicemail.

She completely blindsided me after she swore she would keep my secret between us, and I’m still really angry at her.

I pick up another sheet mask and am just scanning the dozens of benefits listed on the back when there’s a chime for an incoming text.

“You don’t give up.” I drop my bags on the floor along with my overflowing basket and root around in my purse for my phone.

As expected, a text from Lucia flashes across the screen.

PLEASE call me back!!! I’m so sorry if you felt cornered the other night, but I was only trying to do what I thought was best. I hope you can forgive me. I miss you and so does Vivi 3

“Dammit.”.

She must be feeling desperate if she played the Vivi card.

In truth, I’ve hated every minute of not speaking to Lucia. I hate holding grudges at the best of times, but particularly with her.

Besides, it hardly seems fair that I’m willing to accept what Lev has done in the past but not forgive Lucia.

It’s like she said, she was only trying to protect me.

She doesn’t deserve to be punished for that.

Me: I’m out shopping. Meet for coffee in ten?

Lucia: I’ll get us a table at Café Joyeux! !

As I switch off my phone and tuck it back into my purse, I already feel a bit better at the thought of making up with Lucia.

I hate fighting with her, and it will be good for us to air our grievances and hopefully move past all of this.

I can only hope that she’s more willing to listen than her husband and his overprotective brothers.

After spending the equivalent of a month’s rent on beauty items, I head down the street toward the café where Lucia is already waiting for me.

I love coming to the café in the early evening, when it’s full of people looking to unwind after a day's work. Most of the time, I just sit and watch the world go by, making note of any books I like the look of that another customer is reading, and actually taking the time to savor a pastry rather than devouring it whole on the way to the hospital.

“Someone’s been busy.” Lucia eyes the armfuls of bags as I drop them on the floor and begin trying to untangle my scarf from my hair.

“I was in need of some retail therapy.”

Lucia frowns as she glances from me to the bags. “Any particular reason?”

“Do I need one?” I pull out my chair, taking a seat.

“You’re asking the wrong person.” Lucia laughs. “It’s just you’re not normally one to go so…overboard.”

“Thought it was about time I spoiled myself.”

“I went ahead and ordered for both of us.” Lucia offers me a forced smile. “Your usual matcha and almond croissant.”

“Thanks.” I shrug out of my coat, hanging it on the back of my chair. “I’m surprised you didn’t bring Vivi with you.”

“Her and Mikhail are having a daddy and daughter date. ”

“Do I even want to know what they’re doing?”

“Knowing Mikhail, he’s taken her to a toddler martial arts class.”

“That would actually be adorable.”

“Well, he’s not exactly the princess tea party type, but he does his best.”

I nod, but I find I’m unsure of what else to say.

I mean, Lucia and I could easily spend two hours dodging the real reason we’re here by talking about Vivi. But then what? Do we just move on and forget the entire thing ever happened?

Our drinks and food arrive, and I’m grateful to have something to do with my hands. The silence is awkward, which is not something I’m used to experiencing with Lucia.

I had hoped she would have brought Vivi as a buffer, but it seems we’re going to have to be grownups about this and get straight to the point.

“I’m sorry I haven’t called. I was really mad. Still am to an extent.”

Lucia nods. “You have every right to be mad. I crossed a line that I promised I wouldn’t, but I thought you were better off knowing the truth.”

My stomach growls, and I take a huge bite of the croissant, the flaky pastry sticking to my lips.

“I think so too.”

“But I don’t want you to worry. Mikhail has men watching you around the clock to make sure Lev doesn’t come back.”

“What?”

“The look of surprise on your face tells me that you haven’t noticed them, which I guess is a good thing. We didn’t want you to feel like you were constantly being followed.”

I’m barely listening to Lucia as my mind starts to race.

Lev’s not staying away because he wants nothing to do with me. He’s staying away because Mikhail’s giving him no choice.

If only they would factor in that I might actually want to see him.

I know going to Mikhail and demanding him to call off his watch dogs would be a waste of time. He’s more stubborn than Lucia, if that’s even humanly possible. And even if he did, Alexei would only pick up the slack.

So, until I find a solution that would mean Lev would feel safe enough to visit, I need to get comfortable with the knowledge that I might not see him for a while.

“No, I didn’t notice them.” I don’t bother to hide my annoyance.

Lucia grimaces as she picks at her pastry.

“Elle, I’m so sorry about all of this. I really hope you can forgive me.”

I take another bite of my croissant.

As I chew the sweet pastry, I’m hit with such a violent wave of nausea that I gag.

“Elle? Are you okay?”

I force myself to swallow before reaching for my water.

“Yeah. Maybe that news on an empty stomach weren’t the best idea.” I toss my remaining croissant back on my plate, the sight of it suddenly making me want to run to the bathroom.

“Do you want to come over for a movie night? We haven’t hung out like that in ages. I could even get Mikhail to stay over at Zara and Dimitri’s with Vivi so we could have the place to ourselves. ”

“You know, I actually really just want to have an early night.” I instantly regret my answer when the disappointment is clear on Lucia’s face. “I’m exhausted after working doubles all week, but maybe we can get together next week? I promise you can choose the film. Though if you make me sit through Princess Bride one more time, I swear I’m getting Massimo to cut you out of the will.”

“Deal.” Lucia laughs, reaching across the table for my hand. “I’ve missed you, Elle.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

After Lucia polishes off the rest of my food and searches through my haul of goods for things she might want to borrow, I leave the café and begin the short walk home.

It feels different knowing that there’s someone out there, other than Lev, watching me.

With him, I feel comforted.

Tonight, I feel nothing but unease.

My stomach churns the entire walk home, and a few times, I have to actually stop and cover my mouth with my hand as I’m hit with the sudden urge to vomit.

I groan. “I definitely shouldn’t have smelt all those body scrubs.”

The sight of my apartment block has me breathing out a sigh of relief.

I want nothing more than to have a long, hot shower and climb into bed and fall asleep to a rerun of Gilmore Girls.

Before I scan my key fob to get into the building, I glance over my shoulder just in case Lev happens to be watching.

When a shadow passes behind a parked car on the opposite side of the street, my breath catches in my throat as I notice a figure with a dark hood pulled low over his face.

“Lev?” I whisper, a surge of excitement filling me.

I’m about to call out again when a gust of wind causes the man’s hood to fall back, exposing a head of dark sandy hair that has my stomach sinking.

“Where are you, Lev?” I shake my head, pushing open the door and heading inside.

To try and distract myself from the reality of not being able to see Lev anytime soon, I lay out all my new skincare products on my vanity and turn the shower on as hot as possible.

Soon enough, the bathroom fills with steam, and I lather my skin with strawberry-scented soap and pop a hair mask in my hair in an attempt to try and bring some moisture back into my dry ends.

By the time I’m throwing on my new pajamas and sliding into bed, my eyes start to grow heavy, and I’m asleep before I even have a chance to miss Lev any more.