20. Elle

20

ELLE

For years, Dr. Mills’ office was the only place I could find any sense of peace after suffering in silence for so long with the trauma of losing my family.

Losing my parents and brother so young left me with a wound I’m not sure will ever heal, but Dr. Mills has helped to make the pain bearable.

I used to think therapy was strange. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling comfortable enough to talk to a stranger about my problems when I couldn’t even fully open up to Lucia.

But at some point, I had to face the reality that I wasn’t going to be able to work through all my feelings on my own and somewhere along the way, Dr. Mills became someone who I could turn to when I was struggling.

While Lucia would be heartbroken to know that I’m still having nightmares regarding the fire even after all this time, I don’t want to burden her with my problems.

This is my pain, and I need to learn to deal with it.

“Hi, Elle, it’s nice to see you.” Dr. Mills appears in the waiting room .

She’s dressed casually in a navy-blue sweater and jeans. In fact, everything about her practice feels casual and relaxed, which makes it so easy to forget that I’m in a doctor's office.

I talk to her in a way I imagine I would have talked to my own mom if she were alive. Though I doubt I would have admitted to her about sleeping with my stalker…

The thought has my cheeks burning as I get to my feet and follow Dr. Mills down the corridor toward her office.

This will be my second session this week. We agreed it would be best to do bi-weekly sessions for the first month to help me try and gain some control back over my thoughts.

So much has happened over the past few weeks, and I haven’t truly allowed myself to process it. Instead, I’ve buried my head in the sand, choosing to distract myself with work, and now sex, rather than focus on the underlying emotions surrounding it all.

“How have you been since I last saw you?” Dr. Mills takes a seat in her black, leather chair opposite me.

I sink into the plush couch, tucking my feet underneath me and hugging one of the sage green cushions to my chest. The color is a running theme throughout her office, and I find it soothing.

“Good.” I offer her a smile.

Dr. Mills only nods, reaching for her trusted notebook from the small table beside her chair that is no doubt filled with all sorts of deep, dark secrets.

“I will say I am a little concerned after our session on Monday.”

“Oh?”

I cringe as I recall Monday’s session. I mostly just talked about work, giving her an update on my life in the few years since I’d last seen her. It was all very surface-level, and every time Dr. Mills asked a deep question, I managed to somehow change the subject.

“I can’t help but feel that you were avoiding talking about something. Something that is clearly bothering you enough to want to restart therapy. Am I right in thinking that, Elle?”

I nod, my eyes stinging.

It seems I can’t avoid the subject forever, so I start to recount everything that has happened recently, from the kidnapping and the almost assault, down to the mystery man who not only saved me, but also admitted to stalking me.

As I speak, it almost feels like I’m reciting from a script, as if the events I’m speaking of didn’t happen to me but to someone else entirely.

“Did you contact the police?”

I shake my head as I fiddle with a loose thread on the cushion. “It’s…complicated. But the men who attacked me have been taken care of.”

“Legally?”

“Of course.” I force myself to meet her eyes.

Dr. Mills holds my gaze for a few seconds but ultimately decides not to push the subject. Though, I’m desperate to know what she’s writing as she scribbles more notes in her book.

“And this man who got you out…” She is still writing. “Has he contacted you again?”

“Yes.”

She pauses, her pen hovering over the page.

“A few times.”

Her mouth presses together in a thin line .

“Can I make an observation?”

“Of course.”

“You don’t seem overly frightened about this.”

“I’m not. Sort of the opposite.”

“In what way?”

“Well…” I fiddle with the loose thread, trying to come up with a way to explain my situation without sounding completely mental.

“This is a safe space, Elle.”

I nod, taking a breath.

“He’s all I can think about. I know it’s probably just some kind of trauma response, and I’m just attaching myself to him. But honestly, it feels like we have something deeper than that. Something that’s… real .”

“And this is the man who admitted to stalking you?”

“See, that’s what I mean. It sounds bad when you put it like that, but I feel like he’s just keeping an eye on me. Knowing that he’s out there, watching me… Well, it almost feels comforting.”

Dr. Mills scribbles more notes down in her book, and I brace myself for what she’s going to say.

I know how crazy I sound, but it’s the truth.

“It’s interesting that you’re able to place so much trust in this man, considering the issues you’ve had trusting and opening up to people in the past.”

“I guess. I mean, if he planned to hurt me, he would have done it already.”

“That’s not necessarily how stalking works, Elle. Just because he hasn’t hurt you yet doesn’t mean he won’t, and quite frankly, a lot of his behavior should be concerning you.”

“I know,” I sigh, feeling guilty for not mentioning the fact that I’ve also slept with this man .

I thought having a licensed professional tell me that this man is dangerous would burst the bubble I’ve been living inside of ever since the kidnapping. That I would walk out of this office with the intention of going straight to the police, or at the very least Lucia.

But the thought of never seeing him again has my stomach twisting, and I know that I would only be lying to myself if I made such promises.

“Our time is up.” Dr. Mills shuts her notebook, the sound snapping me out of my thoughts. “I’ll see you on Monday?”

My head’s full as I leave Dr. Mills’ office. I’m always emotionally drained after a therapy session, and the only thing that makes me feel better is a long soak in the bath with a glass of wine or two.

My cousin insisted on me going to dinner with her and Mikhail tonight.

I rummage around in my bag for my phone as I leave Dr. Mills’ office.

When I find it, I notice a message from Lucia.

Maybe something came up with Vivi, and she is canceling.

No such luck. She is confirming the time.

“Great…” I shoot her a quick reply to let her know I’m on my way.

I really hope that Lucia hasn’t decided to divulge everything about my mystery man to Mikhail. Though knowing Lucia, it’s likely Mikhail already knows the extent of what’s been happening and will likely spend most of the evening insisting on setting me up with round-the-clock security .

I love my cousin dearly, but she can’t keep a secret to save her life.

The entire walk over to Lucia’s townhouse, I mentally rehearse ways to get out of the dinner, right up until the point that I’m knocking on the door.

“Elle, you came.” Lucia offers me a somewhat strained smile.

“You did invite me.” I step over the threshold.

Her answering laugh is forced, and I frown at my cousin.

“Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yes, everything is fine.” She closes the door.

I’m not buying it.

I don’t miss the way Lucia is refusing to meet my eyes.

“Is everything all right with Vivi?”

“She’s actually not here.” Lucia runs her hands over her cream blouse. “She’s having a sleepover at Zara’s.”

“Oh?” I don’t have the energy to hide my disappointment at not seeing the little one.

I barely have a chance to take off my coat before I’m being ushered down the hall toward the kitchen.

“Let’s go and have a drink.”

“Why are you being so weir?—”

I walk into the kitchen to find not just Mikhail, but Alexei, Dimitri, Danil, and Anton, all sitting around the table.

I feel as if I’ve just walked into a wake, with each one of them dressed in all black and wearing identical somber expressions.

“What the hell is this?” I round on Lucia, who has gone uncharacteristically pale. “Please tell me you didn’t invite me over here just to host some kind of ridiculous intervention. ”

Her mouth opens, but she shuts it again, not bothering to deny it.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen my cousin at a loss for words, which only confirms my fear.

“Oh my god, you did.” A hysterical laugh escapes my lips as it dawns on me that the entire Koslov family knows about my secret bedroom meetings with a man whose name I don’t even know.

They must all think I’m completely insane.

“I can’t believe this.”

Alexei gets to his feet. “Elle…”

“I’m not talking to you.” I hold up a hand to silence him. “Lucia.”

“You need to hear what they have to say.” She glances nervously at Mikhail, who also gets to his feet.

“Come and sit down, Elle.” He offers me his empty seat.

“I’m fine right where I am.” I fold my arms across my chest. “This is unbelievable.”

Mikhail steps around the table to come and stand beside his wife. “Trust me when I say that Lucia didn’t want to do this. But we didn’t have a choice.”

I grind my teeth as he places a tattooed hand around her waist and pulls her against him.

Her eyes well with tears and in that moment, surrounded by my extended family, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone.

“I beg to differ.” I don’t bother dulling my anger. “I’m sick of talking about this. That's all I’ve been doing lately.”

Alexei shifts on his seat. “You’re in danger, Elle.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”

The room is deathly quiet as I look at each of them in turn. Even Danil, who always seems to find humor in a situation no matter how grave, has a stone-like expression.

Lucia lifts her hand slightly my way and lets it fall again as if having changed her mind. “Hear what they have to say, Elle.”

I wait for one of them to speak. I figure the sooner they say whatever it is they have to say, the sooner I get the hell out of here.

I notice Mikhail glancing at Alexei, who dips his chin.

“It’s Lev.” Mikhail breaks the silence.

“I’m not following.”

“The man who has been stalking you. It’s Lev.”

The Koslovs have been hunting Lev for years after they learned he was the one who murdered their parents. I’m all too aware of who Lev is and what he’s done, and it’s laughable that they think this is the same man.

There’s no fucking way that the man who held me in his arms as I fell asleep, who worshipped my body with such tenderness, is capable of murder.

It doesn’t add up.

“You’re joking.”

“I wish I was.”

I glance around at each of the Koslovs in turn and when not one of them denies Mikhail’s claim, I realize that they’re not joking.

They're deadly serious.

“That’s impossible.” I shake my head. “T-that’s… No, you’re making this up.”

“It’s true.” Alexei leans against the kitchen counter, putting his hands into his pockets.

Like hell. “H-how do you know this? What proof do you have?”

I must sound hysterical, but I can’t believe that we’re talking about the same person here .

How could they possibly think my secret mystery lover is their missing half-brother?

Anton looks at me. “He’s been in contact with Nina. He admitted everything to her.”

I don’t miss the way the muscle in Anton’s jaw flexes as he looks at Alexei.

I want to scream at him that he’s got it all wrong, that they’ve got the wrong man.

He can’t be Lev. He just can’t.

“Why didn’t Nina come to me? There was no need to get you all involved like this.”

“She thought you might dismiss the threat if it came from her.”

“There is no threat! This has been completely blown out of proportion.” I shoot Lucia a look, and she winces. “Even if this man is Lev, then he’s not a danger. Not to me, or to anyone.”

Mikhail takes a step toward me. “Elle?—”

“I haven’t seen him in weeks,” I lie. “If he wanted to hurt me, he would have done so already.”

Lucia lets go of Mikhail. “That doesn’t mean anything, Elle.”

Mikhail looks at her before turning his gaze back to me. “But we don’t want you to worry. We’re going to take care of this.”

I shake my head. “There’s nothing to take care of, so just leave it.”

Alexei shrugs. “Unfortunately, we can’t do that. You are a part of this family, Elle, and I don’t take threats to my family lightly.”

“I’m not your property, Alexei. You can’t control me.”

“No, but if Massimo were to find out?—”

“I swear if you involve my uncle in this…”

I knew I shouldn’t have come here tonight. I had a bad feeling the moment Lucia kept messaging to double check that I was coming, and I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss it.

“Don’t give us a reason to.”

“I…I need to go,” I mutter, suddenly feeling too exhausted to fight.

“Elle…” Lucia’s voice breaks, but I don’t give her a chance to try and convince me to stay before I’m storming out of the kitchen.

“Let her go…” Mikhail says as I head down the hall and throw open the front door.

It’s interesting that you’re able to place so much trust in this man.

Dr. Mills’ words echo in my head as I slam the front door shut behind me and begin the walk back to my apartment.

I’m not one to trust easily. Ever since I lost my family in that fire, I’ve always been terrified at the thought of losing anyone else I love. It’s why I push any romantic partner away the moment it gets serious, why I never open myself up to new friends. For fear of the pain of losing them too.

But with him, I’ve never once felt that way. Whenever he’s around, it’s like all my anxieties vanish, and I can finally be at peace.

But what if that was his plan all along?

I stumble as the thought hits me.

“No,” I whisper, my eyes welling with tears.

Was I the weak link in all of this? If he really is Lev, has he been using me as a way to get close to the Koslovs so he can take them down once and for all ?

But if that were true, why would he have come clean and admit everything to Nina?

“Oh god.” I cover my face with my hands as a heavy weight settles on my chest.

None of this is adding up, and the only way I’m going to find out the truth is if I confront him myself.

Tonight.