Chapter 32

32

MADDIE

Monday, April 21

Boyfriend Disaster #10 : Blue the Holiday Fling

Job Location & Length : Saint Lucia, 1 month

My Age : 33

I met Blue on the beach. I think why I clung so hard to the idea of him is because of how he made me feel that first night on the island. With the background soundtrack of crashing waves, salty sea air, and soft white sand under our toes, Blue looked into my eyes and really listened to me talk.

But we were just acting out parts in a holiday fling.

Now I see it for what it was. It should’ve ended when I left. But at the time, I really thought it was more.

My mistake.

Breakup Reason : delusion (mine)

My Distress Level : 10, not because I loved him so much, but because of how clearly the ending highlighted my relationship failures

Lesson Learned : I need to make some serious changes in my life.

W e spent two nights in Dublin, stopping at the Guinness Brewery and walking around the city center for touristy stuff like visiting the Book of Kells in the stately old Trinity College Library. We also visited the Hungry Tree, Patrick’s suggestion of that tree in Dublin that is slowly consuming a bench. My sisters giggled for hours when I handed out the printed itinerary titled Quirks, Tats, Brews, and Views with the ten quirky stops sprinkled throughout the trip.

I managed to avoid being one-on-one with Patrick again for the rest of the Dublin stay. That first night at the pub was too much. Him touching my leg, us talking about Cara and New Dingle and clearing the air about the inventory drama. There’s no point. He doesn’t want to be with me. We have no future. It hurt too much.

Then we picked up the rental car. Since there are six of us, we needed two vehicles: Patrick’s plus a rental.

I nearly ended up in his car alone with him.

Reese and Oliver were in the rental already, and when Ethan turned toward Patrick, my traitorous sister grabbed his hand and tried to pull him to Oliver’s. I was faster. I darted over to the rental car and gave her a victorious look.

But then I realized Patrick saw the whole thing, and the look on his face showed he understood what I just did.

I’m such an asshole.

This morning, after an afternoon and gentle evening in Belfast, which included visiting the giant fish statue—thanks, Ian—we’re going through some of the sights in Northern Ireland. Noreen’s suggestion for visiting the Madman’s Window, those window-shaped rocks looking out to the sea, was eerie and cool.

Now we’re at the Dark Hedges, a remote avenue of two-hundred-year-old beech trees that are interconnected at the top and were filmed in a popular fantasy series.

Thick fog sits on the road, making visibility low and giving the tall trees a horror-film type feel. My sisters and I are standing together, watching the spot in the fog where the men disappeared a moment ago.

“This is so creepy,” Stella says.

“So creepy,” Reese agrees.

We stand in silence for a moment and then Reese grabs my hand.

“You okay, Mads?” She squeezes.

“What do you mean?” I turn to her.

“There is so much tension between you and Patrick.”

“Is there? I hadn’t noticed.”

Both of my sisters turn to stare at me, and we all burst into laughter. The giggles taper down, and they watch me expectantly.

I sigh deeply.

“I love him. I can’t be normal around him. Not even close.”

Reese’s jaw drops. “Mads. I didn’t know. I mean, I knew what you told me... but not that you love him.” She drops my hand and drapes her arm around my shoulder, which is at the same exact height as hers, and pulls me closer.

“Yeah. I was hoping if I didn’t say it out loud again, it would no longer be true.”

“Did that work?” Reese leans her head against mine.

“Nope.”

“Sorry, Maddie.” Stella wraps her arms around me and Reese.

“Thank you so much for planning this whole trip,” Reese whispers into my ear. “Even the weird shit you added on.”

I bite back a smile and lean back to search Reese’s face. We all drop our arms but stay close.

“I’m just glad you’re not still mad at me.”

Stella groans. “Maddie, what did we talk about?”

“Something about how I shouldn’t live to impress my older sisters? That I’m an adult who can make my own life choices?”

“You got it!” Stella sings.

Reese wraps me into a second full body hug, and I melt in her arms.

“I’m so sorry if I made you feel that way. Like what you’re doing is not good enough.” She pulls back and glances at Stella.

“It’s okay.” My throat tightens.

“And I’m glad you talked to Stella. Thank goodness she was so close. I worry about you.”

I’m so relieved everything is out in the open with them now, but it was all part of the process. I figured out a few things about myself in the three weeks since Patrick and I broke up.

Maybe it was the endless days wandering around London in and out of pubs, restaurants, and cafés, where I had to hold myself back from asking if they were hiring or making suggestions on ways to improve their businesses.

I’m a hard worker. I’m good at food retail. And I have even more to offer my next job.

“Have you talked to Patrick since our first night?” Reese asks.

I groan and shift from one foot to the other. “Can we not talk about that?”

“No,” my sisters say in unison.

“Ugh.” I groan. “Reese, I hate that I might be making things awkward on your big trip.”

“This is our trip, not just mine. And while I wouldn’t be super excited if you guys hated each other, we’ll find a way to make it work. We’ll keep you separated at the wedding somehow.”

“We don’t hate each other.” I’d kinda hoped we could turn things into a friendship during this trip, but there’s too much baggage between us.

“And after the wedding, you never have to see each other again,” Reese says.

“Which makes you feel how, Maddie?” Stella tilts her head.

Fucking awful.

“Things are over with me and Patrick. He doesn’t want me in his life, for one reason or another.” I hate how my voice catches at the end. The regret that’s simmering inside my chest overflows and burns my heart.

“Stella,” Ethan calls from through the fog. A few feet from him, Oliver emerges and holds his hand out for Reese.

“I’ll make sure the mist doesn’t consume the car,” I call as my sisters walk into the thick ground cloud to join their partners.

It’s then that Patrick steps into visibility, hands in his pockets, watching me from ten feet away.

A lump forms in my throat. I love what I’ve figured out about myself in London. But I wish I could’ve done it earlier. In Saint Lucia. At one of the nine jobs I had before that.

But mostly while I was with Patrick in Dingle.

For that short period of time, he made me feel so good. He looked at me like I was a magical creature, not scared away by his grumbling or stony looks. He didn’t judge my decisions. He invited me into his home, took care of me, picked the mushrooms off my plate, and washed my damn hair.

And when he pushed me away, I let him. I ran.

Now it’s too late. We wasted the little time we had together. It’s truly over.

Warmth fills my chest as I remember the feel of his arms around me, the way his hazel eyes would bore into my very soul. He was really into me.

I’ve been in love with him for a long time.

But I’ve ruined it.

He’s ruined it.

I will him to wave me over, hold out a hand, smile... anything.

But he just turns and disappears into the fog.