Chapter 33

33

PATRICK

Wednesday, 23 April

I follow Oliver onto the swaying Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge, which connects the small island to the mainland. Threatening clouds stretch across the sky, and I’m shocked we’re not soaked already.

I don’t normally have a fear of heights, but we’re thirty meters above the rocky shoreline and the bridge is swaying back and forth in the strong wind. But it’s not exactly a solitary experience, as there’s people ahead of us following the path to the tiny fisherman’s cottage on the island, and there’s a line behind us to cross the bridge once we’re over. Reese and Maddie are next, and Ethan and Stella are behind them.

There’s a small child with their granny ahead of us, laughing.

Still, terrifying.

I’m relieved to get across onto solid ground, and Oliver waves me to walk slowly on with him instead of waiting for the women.

“So...” Oliver says the word like a sentence.

“So what?” I focus on the rocks beneath my feet.

“Tell me what’s happening with Maddie. For real. Because I’ve had a chance to observe you over the past five days, and I have opinions.”

We walk side by side up the meandering path. I roll my neck and stare out into the Atlantic Ocean, where on a clear day you can see Scottish islands in the distance. Today is not that day.

“What do you mean?” I say, to buy myself time. How many details does he know? How much did Maddie tell her sisters?

“You said you and Maddie had a thing, but I was under the assumption it was actually over.”

“It is.”

Oliver looks over at me and cocks his head. “I get it, I really do.”

“Get what?” The wind whips around us and I’m dreading the inevitable trek back across the rope bridge.

“The absolute fucking denial you’re in.”

“Oh, feck off. I’m not in denial.” But my insides twist and my protest is weak.

“Remember when I called you after Reese had left Scotland to go back to America?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“How you called my bullshit and told me I’m obviously in love with her?”

“Mmm. I’m not sure it went down quite like that.”

“Aye, it did.”

Should I just tell him? Say it out loud, even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t?

It might feel good to get it off my chest. Maybe if I speak the words, then I can somehow move on, even though I’d rather hide behind the thick stony walls surrounding my heart.

But hiding’s getting really fecking old.

Two summers ago when we talked, it was so obvious to me what was happening with him and Reese. I knew it from the texts he wrote me and the way he talked about her. He was in love but hadn’t accepted it yet.

This is different. I know I’m in love with Maddie.

I feel it in every bit of my being. In the sharp wind that whips around my ears, the ocean spray flying up from the jagged shoreline, the angry gray clouds. They’re all reminding me, pushing me, furious at me for screwing everything up.

“I’m not in denial. I’m in love with her.”

Oliver screeches to a halt.

“Shite, I didna ken you were in that deep.”

I stop next to him.

“But, you just?—”

He laughs. “I was testing you. I’m not nearly as perceptive as you are.” Oliver glances behind us and I have a terrible feeling Maddie’s right there.

“Is she behind me?” I practically whisper.

“No, sheep for brains. Come on.”

“No need to bring my sheep into this.” I continue to follow Oliver, and soon we’re at the edge of the viewing area, the ocean crashing against the jagged rocks below us, a view of the bridge behind us.

“What are you going to do about it?” Oliver asks.

“Nothing.” But I don’t feel as certain about that as I did a few minutes ago.

“Wrong answer. She’s right here. She’s not gone back to America yet. Dinna wait until it’s too late to tell her how you feel.”

The bottom falls out of my stomach. Tell her? How can I tell her how I feel?

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.” The rain starts spitting down, and I pull up the hood of my sweatshirt.

“Well, think about it. Figure it out. Talk to her before it’s too late.”

“You sound like my sister,” I grumble.

Stella and Ethan are halfway across the bridge, and the other women are almost at the island, Maddie ahead of Reese, laughing with her hair blowing around her, crazy in the wind. At least she’s wearing leggings today instead of a dress.

That woman is wild and gorgeous.

I wish she were mine.

“Feck.”

“She’s still right in front of you. Don’t lose your chance.”

I close my eyes for a second and picture it. Telling her how I really feel. Opening up the part of my heart that’s been closed off for a long time.

I want to feel vulnerable with her again. I was there... and then I self-destructed. Chased her away.

I’m ready now.

“Alright.”

“Alright?” Oliver looks at me with wide eyes.

“Yeah. I’ll do it. I’ll tell her.”

It’s selfish. It’s too late. She’ll reject me.

But I’m going to tell her how I feel anyway.