Chapter 31

31

PATRICK

Saturday, 19 April

I ’m hyperaware of my proximity to Maddie.

It’s Saturday night in Dublin at Temple Bar and I’m waiting at the bar with Oliver and Ethan, Stella’s boyfriend and a giant ex-rugby player, for two glasses of red wine and four pints of Guinness. I glance over my shoulder at Maddie and her two sisters, smiling and laughing at a table together.

I can’t stop sneaking looks. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen her. Three weeks without that smile, the easy laugh, her sweet words.

Maddie looks so happy and relaxed with her sisters. Not that she doesn’t always look happy—except when I’m firing her, or breaking up with her, or being an overall fecking eejit.

We’ve not spoke directly since I arrived, just a few awkward glances. My plan was to avoid her completely, but I’m not sure how that’s possible.

I won’t survive this road trip.

“I’ll get these back to Reese and Stella.” Ethan takes the two glasses of red wine from the bartender.

“Shame they dinna have Slea Head here,” Oliver says, his Scottish accent a comforting sound to my ears.

I nod. “Maybe one day.” The bartender expertly fills Guinness pint glasses with deep brown liquid, creamy foam swirled on top. “If it works out in the test pubs, maybe I’ll get to Dublin. That’s the dream.”

“Congratulations, Patrick. I’m proud of you.”

“Congratulate me when we can have a pint of Slea Head Irish Oktoberfest in Temple Bar.”

“Aye.”

Oliver looks from me to the table of Hart sisters, where I can’t stop myself from stealing glances.

“So you and Maddie, huh?”

“Reese told you.”

“Of course she did. Was it serious?” Oliver studies me. He knows me. He knows how I don’t date, don’t do relationships. Not after Cara and Noreen.

I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over now, and after this road trip and your wedding, we’ll never see each other again.”

“Well, that’s a clean break then, aye?” Oliver continues to watch me.

“Yes it is.”

“But maybe have a quick chat with her? So you don’t keep looking at each other like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like that.” Oliver rolls his eyes and nods back to the women.

At that moment, Maddie looks over. Her expression is filled with sadness and something else I can’t identify, and she attempts to wipe it clear as soon as our eyes meet.

Oliver chuckles. “Come on, mate.”

I shake my head and look down at my pint, swirling the dark liquid gently. My mobile vibrates with a text from my sister, and Oliver returns to the table with two of the pints.

Saoirse

How are things in Dublin?

Me

Fine

Saoirse

How’s Maddie?

Me

Why don’t you ask Maddie as I’m sure you’re texting her too

Saoirse

Talk to her. Like for real talk to her

But why, when I can just pretend nothing’s wrong?

Noreen stopped by the pub on Thursday afternoon. She apologized for telling Maddie about our history. I shrugged it off, but then she kept talking. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you back then, she said. I remember saying really awful things, even though I didn’t mean to. You are full of life and heart, Patrick. I hope you know that.

It’s remarkable that in the past few weeks, both Cara and Noreen have given me their sides of our relationships. Cara’s confessions made me spiral, a precursor to the final fight I had with Maddie.

All because Maddie used the word adventure .

But wasn’t that what she was to me ? When I got to know her in Dingle? Kissed her? Loved her, even if she didn’t know?

Maddie was my adventure.

I wasted it. I lost her.

I groan and shut my eyes. I cannot bear to feel this way for the next twelve days.

Me

I’d rather just come home

My mobile rings in my hand. The bartender is staring at me expectantly, so I pass her my credit card.

“Yeah?” I answer the call.

“You are not coming home. Don’t be a baby.”

“Saoirse . . .”

“You helped Maddie plan this road trip, and you have the chance to not only hang out with your best friend, but also make things right with Maddie. Even if you don’t end up together?—”

“We’re not going to end up together.” Frustration laces my voice. It’s impossible. Everyone knows that.

“Okay. Sure. But stop being awkward. Leave things on a good note. Be Irish and have some craic, if you can possibly manage to let yourself. Then, when you see her at the wedding this summer, it won’t be so painful.”

I look across the bar and watch Maddie throw her head back and laugh at something Stella says, then return her gaze back to her sister with interest and affection.

To have her look at me like that. Laugh at something I say. I laughed more with her in that month she was in Dingle than I have in years. I had her in my life. Then I chased her away. On purpose.

“Pat? Are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” I sign an iPad with my finger and accept my credit card from the bartender.

“Pull it together. Everything is fine here. I’ll stop by the brewery tomorrow, like I promised. Take some time to sort out what’s inside your soul. Talk to Maddie. Figure out how you really feel. Tell her. Please, for all our sakes. You’re driving me crazy.”

I nod, but she can’t see me. My sister clicks off.

I already know how I really feel. I’m in love with Maddie.

But there’s no way I’ll tell Saoirse or anyone else that.

Especially not Maddie.

I make eye contact with Oliver, and he makes a drinking motion. I head back to the table with the last two pints. As I settle into my seat, Oliver kicks off a story about a weekend when he and I came up to Dublin while he was in Ireland.

“We drank the whole of Temple Bar, I think, right, Patrick?” Oliver says.

I nod. “It was not pretty.”

“We stumbled back to our hotel room and passed out till noon the next day, then got back in the car to return to Dingle.”

“That was a fecking rough drive.”

“Aye.”

Ethan laughs and tells us about playing rugby outside of Dublin back when he was pro. Rugby’s big here, although Gaelic football—a mashup of rugby and soccer—is popular as well and mainly played in Ireland.

My mind wanders and I pull my mobile back out to text Cormac, who is covering the brewery with my dad and Saoirse on standby. There’s a speck of hope that Sean will come back. The old man stopped by O’Brien’s yesterday and casually asked how things were going at Slea Head. I answered, but he cut the conversation short. I fully intend to stop by his cottage once I’m back in Dingle.

My dad was right. It was best to be patient and wait for him to come to me.

The bar gets more crowded. Stella moves to chat close to Ethan, and Oliver drags me to the bar for shots while Reese and Maddie lean in to whisper and laugh together.

“To Winchester Football Club?” Oliver says.

“To Winchester.” I toss back the clear liquid and suppress a gag. “Feck, did you buy us vodka?”

Oliver laughs. “Aye. You looked like you were falling asleep, so I needed to wake you up.”

“It worked.” I cringe at the aftertaste. I push the empty shot glass toward the bartender.

“You alright? You seem lost in your head.”

“Nah, I’m fine,” I lie and shrug.

Reese saves me by yelling for her fiancé. I’m not sure I can take another person trying to convince me to talk to Maddie. I follow him back to the table, relieved to avoid the conversation with Oliver.

My best friend swoops down and plants his lips on Reese’s mouth, who immediately responds by reaching up and burying her hand in his thick blond curls.

“Aw, that’s disgustingly cute,” Maddie laughs, then looks up at me and stills, as if she’d forgotten I was here. There’s only one chair left at the table, and it’s next to Maddie.

I slowly lower myself into the seat as Oliver whispers something in Reese’s ear and she smiles.

Fine. I’ll talk to Maddie and get Oliver and Saoirse off my back.

“Hey,” I say to Maddie softly, turning my head to look her in the eyes. Maybe if I appear to smooth things over, Oliver will back off. Because that man could get the truth out of me. I’m surprised he hasn’t done so already.

“Hi.” She’s wearing a short dress, the black one she’d wear to work sometimes with a swooping neckline and no sleeves, showing off smooth shoulders. Her dark hair is curtained over her bare arms, and I have the almost irresistible urge to push it back.

Being this close to her is torture. My fingers ache to touch her.

“Since we’re here,” I start, unsure how to continue.

“Since we’re here...” A shadow of a smile crosses her face, and she drinks from her dark pint.

“I don’t want this to be awkward.” Feck, I sound like an arse. “This road trip. Or the wedding.”

“Me neither.”

I nod. “I thought we could be, I don’t know, friendly.”

“I don’t mean not to be friendly, Patrick.” Her brow furrows and she stares intently into my eyes, those deep brown ones threatening to swallow me whole. Hearing my name on her lips, something stirs inside me.

“I know.” I shift in my chair and turn my body toward her. “You’re the friendliest person I’ve ever known. Like sunshine personified.”

Maddie laughs and her eyes light up, then the smile fades. She puts her pint down and slides it away from her, showing off the pink scar on the back of her hand.

I reach out and touch it gently with my finger, lingering on the ridges.

“Does it hurt?”

“Nah.” Our knees are touching, our thighs making a V in between us.

“Maybe you should get a tattoo to cover it up.”

“I already have one, and I might get another on this trip with my sisters. Are you suggesting a third?”

A corner of my mouth twitches.

“I forgot about your ankle tattoo.” Like hell I forgot about it. My mind immediately goes back to the bathtub event at my cottage, where her ankles were peeking out of the bubbly water, along with other parts of her body.

She turns her chair fully toward me and swings her leg up and onto my knee in a graceful movement, displaying the three tiny hearts grouped on her ankle. “I did that the night of our first fight.”

Yeah, I remember.

I lay my hand on her ankle and rub my thumb on the ink. The physical contact is shocking. It’s everything. Warmth flows from where our bodies are connected. Jaysus, the feel of her skin. The memories of our touches flood me, and I swallow roughly and look up at her, ripping my eyes from her ankle.

“I need to apologize about that.” I keep my hand on her leg and slowly move it up and down the bottom half of her calf. The movement is too much, and yet completely natural. She shivers beneath my hand. “It was all my fault, that inventory shite.”

“No, it was mine, too,” she says firmly.

“And Beth’s.”

“Huh?”

“She stopped by O’Brien’s a few weeks ago. Apologized for leaving so abruptly and said she’d been thinking about the inventory since she left but was too embarrassed to come by and explain.”

“Wow.”

“And she told me she went to New Dingle for hours that would work better with her kid.” Maddie’s leg is still lying across my knees, and I stare down at my still hand.

“She should’ve talked to you. I bet you would’ve worked with her.”

I nod. Of course, Maddie sees the best in me, even now.

“Maddie.” I look at her, and she’s already staring at me. “I found a Post-it note about the inventory buried under other paperwork on my desk. It must have stuck to something else when you put it in the inbox.”

“Oh. Good, I guess.”

The silence stretches, and I look away. I want to tell her more. Everything. I’ve missed her.

“Cara stopped by Slea Head two weeks ago.”

“What?” Maddie touches my hand with hers.

“She’s getting married and wanted to make peace with me.”

“And did she?”

“No. I didn’t let her.” But why was I so harsh with her? It’s been five years. I should’ve given her what she needed. Forgiven her. Let it all go. “She told Liam that I cheated on her. At the end. In Dublin.”

Maddie gasps softly. “No, really?”

“Which explains so much.” I move my hand, running my thumb over her sharp ankle bone. Her eyes dart down. She blinks, color rushing into her cheeks, then pulls her leg off me and sits up straight.

“Sorry. You okay? What are you thinking?” Probably that I crossed a line touching her like that. That she doesn’t need to be my sounding board anymore. I don’t have the right to any of that.

She moves her head back and forth and looks away, reaching for her pint.

I’ve lost the privilege of asking what’s going on in her gorgeous head.

I should’ve told her I loved her when I had the chance. Instead, I was an arsehole. Saoirse’s words echo in my head— tell her how you feel —but I won’t do that. It’d just screw with her more. It might break her. I’ve already broken us, how could I break her, too?

I could’ve spent the last few weeks being with Maddie. Instead, I self-destructed. Regret hits me like a bus.

I’m in love with her.

But it’s too late.