27. Holden

Irub my hands together before I groan into my palms. I'm sitting on the bench swing outside the Dizzy Duck near the dock, looking at the serene lake that doesn't reflect my current mood. I have a headache of my own doing.It's also risky sitting here because everything here reminds me of Lexi.

Stone is sitting next to me, also staring out at the lake. "This is kind of weird, right? Sitting on a swing together?"

"Then leave," I snipe.

"Whoa there, don't take your aggression out on me due to your current life turmoil," he volleys back. I've brushed him up on everything that's happened, but now I feel like he's about to lecture me with that the wise logic that he believes he has.

"Look, Lori doesn't want to see Michelle, Michelle forgets she even has a son, and I sure as hell don't want to see my ex-wife again. My lawyer better hurry up with this call back. He was looking into options," I explain.

"Did you forget the other matter?"

I sideline my eyes and meet his neutral look. "No, that's on my mind non-stop. Breaking up with Lexi wasn't the highlight of my week—or life, for that matter." It's fucking incinerating.

"Yet you did it. I'm not sure why since she would only help you," he reminds me.

I run the back of my finger along my jaw, and my eyes whirl side to side as I try to push my theory out of my head. "I don't think I can think clearly, and why sink her down into this situation with me. A perfect life isn't for me, and she deserves one. This week was just a sign of that. Why put Lexi through misery by sticking around if eventually my contentment breaks because I'm unable to balance amazing kids, great work, and Lexi, who gets her own category."

Stone sputters a sound. "That is the most fucked-up thought. Get it together and realize that it doesn't have to be that way."

I rub the back of my neck in pure agony due to the days past. Time to admit the truth to my friend. "I'm scared shitless, okay?"

He smirks. "We kind of all figured that out, but kudos for saying it out loud and avoiding an expensive therapist."

I glare at him, not entertained. "It is what it is."

He tips his head to the side and makes a sound of doubt. "I don't exactly agree. There must be a reason you feel that way. You sure as hell were fearless back in your pro days."

"I had a very busy life until Michelle kind of ruined that with months of mediation with lawyers and unreasonable demands, but I was willing to do anything for Lori and Harry."

Stone snaps his fingers. "Bingo. You do everything for them but never yourself, and because of that, you're letting a difficult divorce stop you from actually getting what you deserve."

Just like dominoes toppling, every brick that quickly falls in my head leads me to another realization, another connection of thoughts now becoming clearer. A sort of epiphany that begins to fuel one thought: I need to turn around this future.

I inhale a sharp breath, nearly ashamed that I let this happen. "I can't go back in time," I say softly.

He smiles to himself and leans back with pride. "But you can change the future, and that, my friend, is my amazing advice that you're going to follow."

Stone is so sure of himself, and that cockiness causes me to smirk weakly. "Not sure the damage with Lexi can be fixed. I was beyond what she deserves. Not at all showing the love that I have for her."

It's a few seconds before he slaps a hand on my shoulder. "You don't know until you try."

I slant a shoulder up to my ear, trying to comprehend this conversation and form a plan of action. "You're right. I just wish I didn't first have to conquer the ex-wife who is intent on breaking my kids' hearts yet again. I can't even manage to say our kids. Hell, in that short time, Lexi has been more of a mother than they've ever had."

Stone stands. He mentioned earlier that he needed to meet Harlow so they could babysit his niece. "Then beat Michelle at her tricks then calm the hell down, before you find Lexi to fix both of your broken hearts. Every heart can be mended." He brings a hand to his chest. "Damn, I'm on fire today with this sappy advice. Owe that to my soon-to-be wife."

A soft smile spreads on my mouth at the happiness in his life that I'm desperately intent on getting back.

* * *

AmI really standing in a parking lot about to do this? After a long call with my lawyer and documents sent by courier, here I am. Maybe it's the worst mistake of my life or one day Harry or Lori might hate me. But this is me protecting their interests. I'm the adult here, and this is what feels to be the best solution for us all.

Michelle stands by her car with her arms crossed, waiting for me to speak.

"Lori doesn't want to see you, and I'm not going to force it," I begin.

Her face is blank, but I see the glaze of her eyes that she doesn't seem surprised.

"Harry doesn't remember you, and you haven't actually mentioned his name once, as though you've forgotten about him."

She stands tall. "That's because a daughter needs her mother more."

I shake my head gently. "Not true. But we've managed just fine since you left."

"Did you even ask him?"

"He's ten years old and doesn't remember you at all. Not once has he mentioned you, since you were never in his life. Harry only knows that you weren't around, and he never asked again because he's been a kid with a strong head on his shoulders from the moment he could walk. It's in his best interest that he doesn't know about your unexpected appearance unless you provide proof that you want to make an effort. I'm making the choice to see you for him."

Irritation is seeping through her deep exhale. "He has you, and Lori has me."

I rub the back of my neck in utter disbelief. "As in separate them when you would visit?"

She shrugs. "Maybe. I don't know how to approach this."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling the rage forming. "Fuck this illogical thought of yours. Be honest and tell me that you truly want. You're really going to tell me that you will make an effort with them, and if I were to offer you money beyond our settlement from years ago that you wouldn't blink an eye and would refuse it because the kids are more important?"

She seems to be prolonging her answer because I know it's not good. "Fine. You're right, I can't."

A sound escapes me because my instincts are unfortunately true. "Let me guess. You did reappear to cause chaos and try to get money in return?"

Her body relaxes from her charade no longer needed. "I did think about seeing them again." Her voice is delicate, and this I do believe. "But you can also make this go away."

"Thought so. Especially since you recently went through divorce number three." I glance down at the papers in my hand. "So, let's solve this right away." I hand her the documents. "You never showed interest in the kids, and I'm not going to chance you returning, as they still have quite a few years until they are legal adults."

She examines the papers, but she doesn't seem to have any feeling. "Voluntarily relinquish parental rights." She holds the sheets up, unimpressed.

"Yeah. You can sign the form, or if you're not sure, go to counseling before you sign the form to ensure you've thought this through, or we could have a judge approve, if you want someone to hear why I'm doing this. I know it's a big decision." I do have sympathy for that.

"Even though it would be voluntary, I will still pay you one last sum. If you ever had any ounce of love for them then I think you know this is the way."

Her arm drops low as the papers hang from her hand, and we stand here for a long few seconds. "Does this mean… that one day someone can adopt them to be their mother?" I don't think she's being vindictive in this moment. She may have a few narcissistic bones too many but right now she's trying to understand, truly understand, what this all means.

My shoulders slant up as my face remains serious. "Hasn't crossed my mind. If you mean Lexi… we're going at our own pace, and I haven't thought about it, but she cares for them as her own." And I need to get us back on the road. "But would it be so bad that one day Lori and Harry might have an even stronger family unit?"

Michelle thinks to herself, with her eyes reeling side to side before she sighs. "Maybe I'm just a horrible person and you're right." She's actually seriously reflecting on herself.

I rub my eyebrow, remembering that sometimes people need a little compassion, and our marriage may have gone wrong, but she was part of my life and gave me Lori and Harry. "Even horrible people can turn their life around. But after nearly ten years away with no contact with the kids, then I think when you look deep within yourself, you can make a decision that maybe you aren't as horrible as you might imagine... It's okay to say that you never wanted to be a mother."

She nods gently in agreement and appears thankful that I've calmed and am attempting to show understanding. "Okay." Her shoulders slump. "If I do this then…"

My lips curl because why am I not surprised. "Last page." I look away from this because I knew deep down that getting something in return would be the only way to seal the deal, even if in the bottom of her heart she feels it's the truth.

"Fine."

My head whips up now, astonished how fast she answered. "Wow. Proof for your presence in Lake Spark."

She tosses the papers on the hood of her car. "I'll sign."

"Okay. But you can think about it, too. I know it's a big decision. Probably a good idea that we don't stretch this out. I'm giving you a deadline to make the choice. Won't keep any of us in a limbo."

"Agreed. I'll be in touch soon," she responds and stalls for a second before swiveling away to avoid prolonging this discussion any longer.

It's heartbreaking for Lori and Harry. They just don't know it because I'm carrying the brunt for them.

But the heartbreak I'm carrying inside for Lexi, both her heart and my own, is shared with her, and I need to gather my plan of action to rectify that.

* * *

Spreadingthe cream cheese mixture into the cake pan, I hate to admit that I'm not making my signature peanut butter and jelly cheesecake for my kids. It's because I need a distraction, as tomorrow, after an attempted night of sleep and going through all the reasons that life could actually be full on all fronts, I need to find Lexi.

Holding up the spatula, I debate licking it. Normally, I don't do that, but I guess trying new things and views begins now. But I laugh to myself, because before the spatula can hit my lips, my son comes racing to the counter.

"Hey, you're making the cheesecake. I bet it's for Lexi and not me."

My brows furrow because I haven't yet spoken to them about Lexi, only kept it vague, and thank the heavens, because now I don't have to explain what I'm doing. Well, first I need to win back Lexi, but I won't relent.

"What do you mean, buddy?"

"She was busy with her friend, that's why she hasn't been around lately."

I attempt to hide my relief at his theory. "Yeah… this might be for her." If I can convince her of my true feelings. I hand my son the spatula to lick as a peace offering for baking his favorite cake and not having notified him.

"Dad, I finished my homework, now can I please have my phone back?" Lori yells as she walks down the stairs.

Life is feeling back to normal, except with one giant piece missing.

Lori has a bounce in her step. "Oh hey, it's cake baking. What's the special occasion?"

My eyes travel between my children. "Just wanted to…"

Lori gives me a peculiar smile. "I saw her today in town." Instantly, I know she means Lexi, but I like it a lot that Lexi still seems to give Lori attention, even if I may have ruined a good thing. "I think she'll… like it." The corner of her mouth hitches to give me a sort of secret assurance before she grabs an apple and takes a big bite.

And that gives me promise.