25. Holden

My fingers tap on the table, as what feels like the devil just arrived. Michelle sits across from me in a restaurant in an old log cabin outside of Lake Spark amongst the woods.

"Here we are." My enthusiasm is non-existent.

She reaches out to touch the back of my hand, and I don't give her a chance by ripping my hand away. Her face falls, and I have no ounce of sympathy. This is a woman who left her kids not because she had an issue that would put Lori and Harry in danger, she didn't need to go away and find herself before returning a better person. It was purely her selfishness to walk away without a backward glance or any hint of remorse. And as a bonus on top, requesting a hefty settlement too. Lori and Harry were young, they barely remember, but it was damage enough.

"I want to see Lori and Harry again. They have a right to see me."

"Nope." My tone is firm. "I make the decisions. That's how sole custody works."

She sighs, and the waitress interrupts us at the wrong moment, but also, I'm thankful.

"Coffee, black," I order without giving any attention to the lady with an apron.

"Same." Michelle presses her lips together and waits for our standoff to continue.

We stare at one another, and I try to remind myself that I owe a chance to Lori and Harry's mother even if it hurts.

"Give me an opportunity. I can see them once even, with you present," she requests with sincerity but not enough for me to be fully convinced, as I was once married to her.

"Then what?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "Maybe I can take them alone somewhere. Pioneer Park is in Lake Spark, they must love that."

I snicker. "Harry has other interests, and Lori is nearly a teenager, she's too old for people in costumes sewing quilts. You yourself argued yesterday that she's at a time in her life when she needs a strong female." My face must appear extremely coldhearted.

Probably because within me, I'm more than aware that Lexi is the strong woman that Lori has become attached to. The type of role model that Lori needs. Nor does Lexi forget about Harry, ever.

Most of all, Lexi is the woman who kindles my heart and made me believe that I could have it all. Now I've broken her heart and severely wounded my own. But my children's mother reappearing must be a sign that this whole situation happened because I'm not allowed to have it all. Fate can play the cruelest of games. As soon as you get something great, then you get knocked by something bad. If I look back in my life, I've never had the balance. I'm not going to drag Lexi deeper into my life if we won't be possible need to protect her not only from my batshit crazy ex's games, but I also need to protect Lexi's heart.

"Holden," Michelle's sharp tone breaks my thought. "You owe me this or I take us to court."

My head juts up, hesitating. "You do realize your time limit to challenge our agreement has passed, right?"

She shakes her head. "But visitation is not impossible, we didn't sign away parental rights. Plus, I can still see them or contact them without you?—"

I'm quick to cut her off. "No. If you want to contact them, then we have to discuss that, even if we have to do that in court. You say you care for them, but this approach is a shitty way to show it."

In court, this would be scorching and completely difficult for Lori and Harry too. My hands are completely tied in this impossible situation, and I'm not entirely sure why it never crossed my mind. There was always a chance that this could happen. But I never saw someone so determined to leave their kids in favor of money and a life of jet-setting and boyfriends.

The cracking of my heart is different to last night with Lexi. My children always come first.

"Okay." My eyes glint to examine her words and behavior. "If I agree?"

Hope glazes her eyes. "Then I want to see them tomorrow… without her."

I chortle to myself because this predicament really feels like I'm at the gates of Hell. "That won't be a problem, as Lexi's…" Do I admit that I've ruined a strong and loving relationship with so much promise all because of Michelle, who feels like a signal that nobody gets it all? On one hand, it will ease her argument. But on the other, satisfaction gives her power. "It's not an issue."

Michelle seems surprised. "Well then, one less thing to worry about to lead us to a peaceful resolution."

My knuckles form fists, and I'm trying to bite in all my anger that wants to unleash. I need to get this discussion over with before I burst. "Let me talk to the kids. If they don't want to see you, then I don't think we should push this."

"They don't even know me, and they deserve to know me," she defends.

I glance away, trying again to keep my rage in. "Tomorrow, Michelle. That's when you get to prove yourself that maybe we can explore this conversation more."

"Fine. But I mean it, Holden. If you don't give me any chance, then I will find a way to ruin you." She stands, her words hostile.

I gently shake my head, not surprised at all. "That's a shocker."

Watching her walk away, a chill hits me. This can't be my life right now. Everything was within my grasp, but it's clear that I'm simply not made for a life with everything that could possibly make a person happy.

* * *

Walkingthrough the hall at the Dizzy Duck, my attempt to keep myself busy before school pickup will fail, I know it will. I'm reserving my energy for my call to the lawyer and talking with Lori and Harry.

But this day only sinks me deeper into despair because I feel Lexi's presence. I don't even need to look up. She became a natural magnet to me when it comes to my senses and instinct. But I do look up because her steps have slowed.

At first, we're both silent. Even without sleep, she appears radiant, in a skirt and heels. She's holding a swatch while her eyes dance side to side.

"Hi." My voice is soft.

"I was just leaving. I forgot I left a few things here for designs." She holds up the swatch ring, clearly wanting to ignore me or be anywhere but here.

When she attempts to walk away, I grab her wrist then the other to keep her in a strong hold. "Wait." I'm not sure what to say, other than I need to touch her one last time.

"What, Holden? You said enough. Your message was clear."

We're both fuming, and she's so close within my grasp. "It's just…" What words do I use?

Her eyes widen, she's growing impatient. "Yes?"

I'm being a coward. Not saying the true reasons behind my need to part ways with her.

When she breaks my hold on her, she catches me off balance when she shoves me. "You are a coward." Ah yes, I forgot she has a talent to read my mind. We both scan the area, and we're all alone, as nobody really comes this way unless they're staff. "What the fuck did you think would happen?"

"Lexi…" Do I argue or attempt to explain?

Her finger darts out to poke my chest. "Even a smart man knows full well that when you bring someone close into your life, interweave them into your circle with the people who you hold dear. When you kiss and whisper ‘I love you' or your entire body is aware that when that person says they support you that you know it's true. It's not a surprise that you are heading toward something longstanding. And now you suddenly want to tell me it isn't?"

"Lexi, I…"

"You don't need to say anything because maybe I even understand. I think you believe this will help your current situation, and I'm the easy answer to soften the blow." Her eyes begin to water, and I hate how she is probably right.

"Lexi, I'm not meant to have everything. That's the reality." I run my tongue along my mouth because I'm nervous around her, wanting so many things with her, but I can't give her any.

She waves her finger in front of her with clear fury apparent and her chest rising and falling from her emotions taking over. "What the fuck did you expect to happen when you light a fire? This flame between us. We are what happened. Willingly crossing the line between fucking and having something more. And you…" She tries to gather her words because her lips quiver from the pure destruction that I've caused her.

"Lexi." I want to comfort her, calm her, selfishly make sure she'll be alright to make me feel less of an ass who blew up our bliss.

She steps back with her palm up to indicate that I shouldn't step in her direction. "Don't you dare get close to me," she barks. "You know, I've also never had this connection with someone. At least I didn't get scared and ruin a good thing."

"You don't understand my situation, you don't have kids. You still have life to experience." My tone is weak. I rub my hand across my jaw, trying my best not to look at the image before me.

"Do. Not. Throw that card at me," she grits out.

At this point, I'm waiting for her to slap me because I deserve it. Lexi can be feisty, but right now she's shattered.

Her hand lands on her waist. She looks like she's going to pounce on me, but she has a point to make. I scratch my cheek, waiting for her revelation. "I'm going right now, and the most fucked-up thing about this entire situation is that I'm going to inform you of the obvious. Work out your shit, Holden. Because even though I should be the one to run…" Her strong tone begins to diminish. "I'll still be waiting."

Our eyes can't part, and the air cuts around us. I'm sure I even gasp because I know she's speaking the truth.

Watching her walk away and turn the corner, I slam the wall with my hand and scream to myself.

* * *

It's notbecause of my witch of an ex-wife, it's because a stone hit me to slow down. Which means, Lexi will never get what she deserves. Cutting her loose is the only way.

"You look like shit."

My eyes snap up to my daughter due to her brazen tone, as she just slid into the front seat after I picked her up from skating. "Aren't we honest," I say, my tone flippant.

"Well, you do," she justifies. "It's like one day without Lexi and you've turned into a grumpy old man." My kids haven't heard the news about Lexi and me yet, only noticed that she wasn't at breakfast.

I don't bother turning the engine back on; instead, I decide it's time to bite the bullet. Harry is at a friend's house, and Lori will probably comprehend the news of her mother in a different way.

Swallowing, I nibble on my bottom lip, wanting to be tactful. "There is something I kind of want to talk to you about."

"No," Lori exclaims, with her face falling. "You and Lexi? Did something happen? She's really cool, Dad."

My head falls back to the seat while I curse to myself internally. Which bombshell do I deliver first? I slant my body to face Lori better. I'm dreading every second of this conversation.

"It's your mom." I wait for Lori to react, but she just stares blankly, blinking a few times. "I wanted to talk to you first before Harry. You're more of an adult than I would like right now."

"What about her?" I almost can't hear because she speaks so softly. Suddenly my child with a strong personality looks like a ghost.

I sigh. "Hypothetically, what would you do if she showed up wanting to see you and Harry?"

Lori takes a moment to digest my sentence, but then something snaps in her mind, and she immediately shakes her head repeatedly. "I wouldn't want to see her. And I don't think this is hypothetical at all."

Closing my eyes, I gather my strength yet again. "I understand your feeling, but she's also your mother, and maybe it matters to Harry. She says she wants to be serious."

"Do you really believe what you just said?"

My head drops low. "I don't think I have much of a choice." Legal action is not something my daughter needs to know. "Maybe one day you will look back and wish you saw her."

Lori crosses her arms. "Well, I don't want to see her. I barely remember her, and I've forgotten her." She's adamant, and as much as a parent sometimes needs to guide their child on the future, I'm not going to push this. Right now, Lori and Harry are carefree children who deserve to stay that way.

I bite the corner of my lip while I sit as fragile as Lori right now. "And what do you think Harry would want?"

She sneers. "She's probably as good as dead to him. He never even knew her."

Sighing, I pause for a few seconds. "Do you think I should ask him? You two have a strong bond."

Lori shakes her head no, just as she did before. "I don't think you should ask because I don't even call her Mom, and Harry barely mentions her… ever. I want her to go away."

Oh how I want that too.

Her face is heartbreaking because I can see that she truly means every word leaving her mouth. "I… I will try." Is it a lie? Or am I not trying hard enough?

She slouches into the seat and turns away from me to gaze out the window. "Promise me, she'll go away."

I squeeze my eyes closed with my entire body tense. "Maybe I shouldn't have had this conversation with you, but if there was any ounce that you would want to see her then I owed it to you to ask."

"Well, now you know, and we can forget this conversation," she snipes, and I'm not sure if it's me or her mom that she's angry at.

At this moment, I don't dare mention about Lexi and me. One step at a time.

"Okay, Lori," I promise.

Starting up the car, I drive us away in silence, wondering how many more mistakes I can make in the span of 48 hours.

Because I'm walking through a maze and failing miserably at discovering the end.