Chapter 11

ELEVEN

AMBER

M onday starts with an eight o'clock meeting with Brian and doesn't slow down. I'm so busy that I barely have time to think about Teddy or Nolan or the potential foolishness of faking a relationship with one person to deter another.

I don't see Nolan much, only briefly in the morning before I dash out of the house and then again in the evening when I return from rehearsals. During those times we discuss Maddy and her needs. There isn't any residual weirdness to our interactions for which I'm insanely grateful.

Maddy wakes up an uncharacteristic three times during the night on Tuesday, so I'm exhausted by the end of rehearsals the next day. Traffic is awful on the way back to the house and I have to text Nolan to let him know I'll be late. He responds with an adorable picture of Maddy snoozing in her stroller. I'm wishing I was already home when my phone starts ringing.

I answer and spend the remainder of the drive on a voice call with my two dance captains. We only have one more day of rehearsals and I want to be sure to address any concerns they have.

It's six twenty-two when we pull through the front gates. The magnitude of being late on this particular night hits me about two seconds before I spot Teddy's car.

As soon as we come to a stop, I wrench open the door and fly into the house.

"Nolan? Teddy? Hello?" Nothing but silence answers me as I kick off my shoes.

I keep moving, my gaze darting left and right. The hallway, the kitchen, the main room, all empty. I pull open the closest sliding door and immediately hear Nolan's low baritone. Following the noise, I charge outside to find the two men sitting on lounge chairs with the stroller parked between them. They both look relaxed, but they can't be enjoying themselves.

"Hey guys," I say brightly, waving at them to try to cover my panic. "Sorry I'm late."

Teddy raises his brow and Nolan smiles hesitantly. I make a hasty decision, cross the patio, and drop onto Nolan's lap. He grunts quietly at the impact as his hands reach out and grip my waist. I can feel the imprint of every single finger through the thin fabric of my leggings and I register the surprised expression on his face as I lean against his chest.

"I missed you," I say before pressing my mouth to his.

I intend it to be casual, a nonchalant show of affection, but as soon as our lips touch, I realize my miscalculation. His lips are warm and firm, and they soften under the pressure of mine. I mean to pull away, but his grip tightens, and he sighs. It's the sound of anticipation or surrender or something deeper. I can't quite name it, but I like it and I want more.

Instead of retreating, my lips mold themselves to his and the tightly leashed desire that pulses between us staggers me. I kissed him intending to prove that we were dating, but now that I've started, I can't seem to stop. I thread my hands into his short hair and trace his bottom lip with my tongue. He trembles, and then starts kissing me back. I feel even bolder now that I have his active participation. He kisses me like he's been waiting forever to feel my lips on his. I'm perched in his lap at an awkward angle and I can't get as close as I want, so I hitch my knee higher and break the kiss so I can shift to straddle him.

The lack of contact between our lips fragments the moment and forces me to remember where we're at.

In my backyard.

Not alone .

We stare at each other. His pupils are blown wide, his mouth is red and swollen, and his cheeks are flushed. He reaches out and shakily brushes the hair off my face.

"Hi," he whispers on a shuddering exhale.

There is an appropriate response, an apology or an explanation, but the only thing that slips out of my mouth is, "Hi."

"I suppose I deserve this," Teddy's voice tunnels between us as he sighs dramatically. "It isn't like you have to rub it in. I get it…you're in love. Blah. Blah. Blah."

I scramble to my feet, tripping on the stroller and sending it rolling into Teddy's chair. Maddy wakes with a start. "Shit." I stumble a couple of feet and pick her up. She curls into my chest and sighs. I cuddle her and pace away from the lounge chairs to try to gather my wits. When I turn back toward Nolan and Teddy, I think I've mostly recalibrated.

I zero in on Nolan and nope, I'm wrong. I've been completely wrecked by kissing him, and there's nothing I can do about it. Not with Maddy in my arms and Teddy watching us. I attempt to look like I'm not a beat away from freaking out.

"I was just keeping Teddy company while Maddy slept," Nolan informs me. His voice sounds entirely normal now, and I can't help but wish he would return to breathlessness. Was he less affected than I thought? Or is he a better pretender than I am? "She's been fairly fussy today, hence the late nap in her stroller."

"I hope she isn't getting sick," I say, studying her face.

"No fever or congestion or anything like that."

"That's a relief." I bob my head. "Have you guys eaten? Mina's still out, but we can heat up some leftovers."

Nolan rises to his feet. "I actually have…uh…a thing tonight, so uh…I need to head out."

What thing? Where is he going? Why is he leaving?

He walks over to us and brushes a kiss against my forehead and then Maddy's. My lips want to chase him, but I manage to keep still, and I manage to stop myself from demanding an explanation for where he's going.

"See you in the morning." He nods at Teddy. "Later, man."

"Um…bye," I say to his retreating back.

When he's out of sight, Teddy sighs. "You really like him."

"Obviously." It isn't a lie. I need a distraction from wondering if my kiss scared him away, so I move toward the house. "Let's get some food."

I barely kept it together during dinner, and now that Teddy is gone and Maddy is asleep I can freak out. My fingers tremble as I press them to my mouth. I can still feel the imprint of Nolan's lips. What was I thinking?

I took a complicated situation and made it a thousand times worse.

What if Nolan quits? What if Teddy doesn't believe us? Now instead of having one relationship issue, I have two.

Operation fake dating: complicated .

I sink onto my enormous bed and press my hands against my thighs, but they don't stop trembling. A quiet snore comes through the monitor that is sitting on the nightstand. My hand is a bit steadier as I reach out, grab it, and hold it close to my face as I click the button on the side to turn up the volume. Maddy has one hand resting on her cheek and is sound asleep. Every third exhale, the same sound comes through the monitor, only louder now that I turned it up.

Her chest is rising and falling at a steady rate, but I still set it on the bed next to me so I can keep watching her to make sure she's okay. With a sigh, I reach into the pocket of my sundress and pull out my phone.

"Mom," I say a second later.

"Amber," she says cheerfully. It doesn't matter how old I get, I'll always take comfort in the sound of her voice. "I'm so glad you called. Your dad and I were just talking about how you haven't sent us any pictures of Maddy today or yesterday. And we haven't had a video chat in days. Has she been too grumpy again?"

"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. Her bottom teeth are fully visible now, and she's been mostly good, but she didn't sleep great last night, and she was fussy today. She's asleep now or I would let you say hi. The truth is, I've just been so busy."

"Are you working too hard? You know you need to take time to rest while you can."

I huff. "I'm not working too hard. The first show is almost here so we're trying to make sure we're ready."

She tsks. "Then you're definitely working too hard. You forget I've been there when you're preparing for a tour. You're a perfectionist and you don't know when to quit."

I almost laugh. "I promise I'm not overdoing it."

She probably doesn't believe me, but she lets it go. "And how is Nolan? Is he still working out?"

"Umm, yes," I respond as I toy with a string that has come loose on the white duvet that covers my bed.

She hears what I don't say and gently asks, "What happened?"

"Nolan is great, but I…uh…think I made a mistake." She doesn't respond. She was the same way when I was a kid, not pressing, just waiting for me to gather my thoughts. "It's kind of a long story, but the highlights are, I told Teddy I was dating Nolan. Nolan overheard me and offered to be my fake boyfriend. Instead of refusing, I agreed and then when I came home to find Nolan and Teddy chatting while Maddy was sleeping, I climbed into Nolan's lap and kissed him."

She lets me keep rambling as I keep tugging at the string. It continues to unravel which feels entirely appropriate. "He kissed me back and it was wow , but when we finally stopped, we were both in a state. My wits were scattered, and he fled as quickly as he could as if he was horrified. He's really nice, you know? And he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend like it was no big deal, but I'm sure he didn't realize I'd attack him like that."

"Hmm…he kissed you back?"

"Mom. You're kind of missing the point."

"Am I?" She's giving me the benefit of the doubt. In this case, I'm not sure I deserve it.

"He's Maddy's nanny. I shouldn't have lied to Teddy. I shouldn't be pretending Nolan is my boyfriend. And I never should have kissed him like that. What about consent? What about propriety?" The string suddenly springs free, but the duvet doesn't look any different. There are no holes or open seams, just a long white string between my fingers.

"What did he say after the kiss?" she asks.

"He told me about Maddy, and then said he had to be somewhere. We couldn't exactly talk about it while Teddy was watching us," I admit as I drop the string on the nightstand.

"Okay? What did he say when you called him?"

"I didn't call him." My voice is almost shrill.

"Texted him?"

"I can't text him about this!"

"Amber." Her voice is sharp now. "You haven't talked to him?"

"I can't. I don't know what to say other than sorry."

"Yes, you do. Ask him if he's okay. Tell him how you're feeling. Discuss what happened."

"I can't."

"Because of Teddy?"

"Noooo," I groan. "Because I liked kissing him, okay? I wanted to keep kissing him, but I shouldn't—I can't. I'm his boss. And I'm not relationship material."

"What? Why not?"

"Because of Maddy. Because of the tour. Because I'm Amber Hope ."

She scoffs. "You going to stay single forever? I might not have met Nolan, but I can't imagine any of those reasons would deter him. I understand that you're his boss, and the power structure of that might make things awkward sometimes, but you're an adult and he's an adult. If you want to kiss him, and he wants to kiss you, you should be kissing. All the time." She pauses. "Or most of the time. When you're in private ."

"Ugh," I groan, still unable to believe that for a second I forgot Teddy was even there.

She finishes with, "Plus, you're wonderful. He'd be crazy if he didn't like you."

And that, right there, is why I tell her things. Her support steadies me. "You're biased." I sound exasperated, but I'm not. "What if he quits?"

"Then you apologize and discuss it with him." She pauses and then hits me with, "Avoiding your feelings is not going to make them go away."

Her advice is sound, but even though I know I should call him, I don't.