Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

L illy sank back against the rim of the tub, enjoying the heat of the water on her chilled bones. It had been a lovely September day, but as the sun had started to set, it had gotten quite cold, and by the time they had reached the house, she had been freezing.

She ran the washcloth slowly along her inner thighs, languidly remembering what had happened in the library last night and anticipating a replay of it tonight. The conversation she'd had with Hadrian by the river repeatedly replayed in her head. He seemed to want to change, to start taking on some of the responsibilities of his position. He had asked her to spend the night with him.

Was she a fool for hoping that he had meant it? Should she try to hold part of herself back or go all in? Had this change in him come too quickly, or was it the natural progression of the feelings they'd had for each other when they were young?

Her hand pressed against her flat stomach, and her eyes stung at the realization that perhaps she might get to have a family after all. He had seemed to indicate that tonight they would actually consummate their marriage.

The thought both thrilled and terrified her. She wanted a baby, had always wanted his baby, but the fact remained that he did not want to be a father.

He had come up with this whole crazy scheme to marry her with the express intent of avoiding such an outcome.

He seemed to have had a change of heart, but she knew all too well that his emotions shifted like the tides, sometimes gentle and inviting, but other times wild and unpredictable, with the potential to cause destruction and chaos.

She couldn't help but glance at the door, knowing he would enter soon to check on her.

The water had begun to cool, and she would need to get out soon. As much as she looked forward to what the night would hold, she also feared getting too used to having him around. How could she bear it when he left her here alone and went back to his rakish life in London?

He would. She would be stupid to think he wouldn't.

She had heard it was better to love and then lose that love than to have never loved at all, and she decided to embrace that philosophy as long as she could. Cold reality would intrude soon enough; she might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

Grabbing a thick towel off the nearby chair, she dried off and then wrapped herself in a silky blue robe, belting it around her waist.

She heard a gentle knock on the door, and her body tensed, fighting the urge to run and hide. She wasn't exactly dressed to impress, but she had to remind herself that this was her husband, and he had already seen every inch of her body. He had told her she was beautiful.

"Come in," she called out, quickly wrapping her arms around her chest for some semblance of modesty.

Hadrian appeared at the doorway, also wearing a robe, only his was a deep shade of bronze. His golden hair was now dark from his own recent bath.

His emerald gaze took her in, from her wet hair to her bare feet. "You take my breath away, Lilly."

Her cheeks heated, and her heart warmed as well. After so many years of her mother's disparaging remarks about her looks, it was hard to believe him, but she wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to.

He held her gaze, a soft smile playing at his lips. "You don't even realize how stunning you are, do you?"

She shook her head, finding his silliness endearing. "After years of being a wallflower, it's hard to believe that."

He walked across the room and embraced her, holding her close. "You're flawless, and I adore seeing you like this, fresh from your bath, your hair wet, and your beautiful skin warm and flushed."

As she buried her face against Hadrian's neck, the faint scent of sandalwood and cedarwood emanated from his skin, mixed with a hint of lavender from the soap he had used in his bath. It was earthy and musky but also sweet and calming.

Being in his arms felt like coming home, and she never wanted it to end.

"Are you ready to eat?" he asked, finally drawing away. "I told my valet to have some food sent up. I thought we would just eat here in front of the fireplace."

She smiled tentatively. "In our robes? How decadent."

He laughed. "Is it really, though? To be comfortable during a meal?" He shrugged. "I suppose that is a perk of being a bachelor. No expectation to dress for dinner unless you want to."

Her smile fell. "But you're not a bachelor anymore."

His smile faded, and he seemed to realize what he had said. "Only we can make the rules of our marriage, Lilly. If we want to eat dinner in our dressing gowns in front of the fireplace in your room, why can't we?"

"Why can't we indeed?" she mused softly, thinking of all the years she had been forced to follow her mother's rules, dressing for dinner even when it was only the two of them, all the stilted conversations and formality.

That was the main reason she had agreed to this marriage, the thought of doing what she wanted. And she found that she wanted to do exactly as he had said. A world of possibilities opened before her, but she realized that she had been so restricted for so long that she didn't even really know what sorts of things were possible.

There was a gentle knock on the door, and Lily's new lady's maid entered with a tray carrying two plates of food. "I brought the dinner you requested, my lord," she said, her eyes darting between them.

"Thank you, Mary," Hadrian said, taking the tray from her. "We'll take it from here. You may go now. We won't need you anymore this evening."

The maid gave them a curious look before disappearing from the room.

Hadrian set the tray on the nearby table and motioned for Lilly to sit. "After you."

She sat and watched as he served her a plate of roast beef, carrots, and peas. There were also two warm slices of apple pie for later.

"This looks delicious," she said, taking a bite of the beef. It was cooked to perfection, moist and tender, and the carrots were even more delicious than they looked.

It seemed incredibly decadent to be sitting across from him, both of them dressed so scantily, the warm fire crackling beside them, her feet tucked up under her on the chair.

"I love this," she told him. "It never even occurred to me that dinner could be so informal. I don't think I ever want to dress for dinner again."

"You don't have to," he replied, his eyes filled with mischief. "We can eat like this every night for the rest of our lives if you like."

Her smile slipped as the weight of his words sank in. "What are you saying, Hadrian? I thought this was temporary, but everything you've said today leads me to think otherwise."

He sighed and shoved a hand through his damp golden hair. "Do we have to have this conversation right now? Can't we just enjoy being together? I am having the best time I've had in years, and I am in no rush to leave you."

Her eyes burned, but she was determined not to cry. "I am glad that you're enjoying our time together. I am glad you want to stay. But I am your wife, not one of your mistresses." She pushed her plate aside, her appetite vanishing. "When we made this bargain, I convinced myself I would be all right alone and could stand it when you left me. But I didn't expect any of this." She waved a hand to encompass their cozy little tableau. "Yet, you decided to stay. You have ignited all those dreams I thought were long gone. You have made it so much harder for me to handle it when you inevitably walk away."

She knew she shouldn't be pushing him, had sworn that she would just take things as they came, but this was all too much. She needed him to be honest with her, needed to know what to expect.

He ducked his head, and the guilt and regret in his eyes stunned her. She had hoped he would protest, make some sort of promise to her. But she couldn't fault him when she had asked for honesty.

Several long moments passed, but then, he reached across the table and took her hands. "I've lived my entire life moment by moment. I don't like to commit to things. I like to be free to pick up and go whenever I like, bounce from one good time to another. But since I arrived here, with you, I feel differently. I like the idea of doing something that matters, having you beside me. But I need a little more time before I know for certain. Can you give me that?"

She looked into his eyes, and despite everything he had said, she couldn't shake the feeling that he was trying to spare her feelings. But at the same time, this wasn't the first time he had asked for more time, and she knew that if she didn't give it to him, she would never get what she truly wanted. He was right. This was all moving far too quickly.

"Of course, Hadrian," she whispered, her voice trembling. "Take all the time you need."

He squeezed her hands and gave her a small smile. "Thank you."

They finished eating in silence, the fire crackling in the background. Lilly couldn't help but wonder what the future held for them. She wanted to believe that their time together meant something to him, that he wasn't just playing a game. But she realized she would have to be strong until he could make that choice, waiting for him patiently. She would probably still get her heart broken, but at least now, there was a chance, no matter how small, that he might one day love her too.

After they were done eating, Hadrian stood up and held out his hand to her. "Come, let's go to bed."

She took a deep breath and stood. He was here, and he was hers. Even if it was only temporary, she intended to enjoy it while she could. Perhaps she would do well to see things a little more like he did. There had been too little fun in her life. Perhaps that was always what she had loved most about him—he had always been fun, always made life an adventure. And she couldn't wait to see what the night would bring.